Full Circle, Via the Scenic Tour

I started this blog a year ago, on December 30, 2011. My… what has changed? My… what hell we have gone through, and what we have learned and lost. This year, was supposed to be grand. Being 2012, it would just have to be good. I am not sure why I thought that. I guess I just felt 2012 seemed like a strong number. Maybe because it was an even number, or perhaps it was just all the negative hype that made me think it would be a year of great change and growth. Alas it was not meant to be. So, learning from our mistakes, tragedies, loneliness, heartache, and hopelessness let's move forward. Alright I'm pulling your leg a little, because I am not sure I did "learn" anything from those dips, blips, falls, tumbles, crashes, or challenges.

I started writing this post, as I laid in bed at 4:30 yesterday morning begging for sleep. I find in the past month, or so, sleep has decreased and I am constantly still waging the war against suicidal thoughts. Pretending to be normal, fighting to appear normal, to appear I have control of this ridiculous illness.  Hoping that the more I pretend, maybe the more I will believe, and the more I believe will hopefully equate to some form of reality. I really was doing better in September, October and November, maybe even August (hell maybe even before that, I should probably read my blog and see…). The rTMS was working its magic, and the Vyvanse and Dexedrine seemed to really stretch out the success of each rTMS treatment. Thus allowing me to go from weekly to monthly sessions… Then… Then what? I am not sure. It just seemed like the start of December, things seemed to tank. Nothing huge at first, just a little half second suicidal thought. Nothing earth shattering, or even anything worth worrying about. Then like a virus, this illness, this Bipolar Disorder gets its insidious tentacles deeper and deeper into your psyche, and before you know what hit you, it takes over.

I realize I have options. I realize… But knowing there are options, and wanting to do something about it are two very different and distinct things. When this disease takes control, I don't know any more if I want to grab the steering wheel, and stop from going over the cliff. I am kind of tired of fighting this winless battle. Bipolar may not be ME, but it is an ever diligent agent of despair that is constantly testing my strength. Between not sleeping, and the realization that my life is really not going to get any better that any dreams, desires, or hopes I have, are just that, wishes that not even a million candles could ever bring true, I am wondering what the point of fighting would be.

I, originally, was just going to write this post about this anniversary of my blogs commencement, but sometimes when I start writing, things just come to the forefront of my mind and they petition to be put to paper (or in this case to post).

Is my life a complete tragedy? I would not be answering that truthfully if I said yes. Is my life complete shit, again no. I had one of the best Christmases ever. It flowed smoothly. Family that usually defect, as quickly as a 1980 Soviet gymnast, stayed for an extended period. There was laughing, and great food. There was tradition, and joyful chaos. I was able to provide gifts that I could take pride in, without the worry of bills and increasing my debt. I had my kids for the entire day! My son was here. After almost losing him earlier this year, I got the amazing opportunity to enjoy this Christmas with him. (I hate to even glance at the thought of what this Christmas would have looked like, had he succeeded in his attempt.) Except for not being able to share Christmas dinner with my mom, my brother and his family got her, but they were long overdo in having that privilege, this Christmas was great… So again I say one of the best Christmases ever…

Still the illness haunts, and the goodness, happiness, and joy try to hide from it, getting lost in the dark and empty blackness. I am not a religious man. In fact I don't practice, nor recognize any of the official organized religions. I have nothing against those that do, so long as they respect my decision not to. The reason I mention this, is not to stir up controversy, but to share a story. It has become a tradition that I attend church with my mom on Christmas Eve. She goes to a very inclusive United Church, so inclusive the Ministers are lesbians in a committed relationship with each other, and so inclusive they host evenings/sessions throughout the year where they invite leaders of other religions to come and share their beliefs with interested parishioners. If I ever was considering attending a church, or embracing an organized religion I would have to say their church is probably the one I would attend - but I am not, so please do not push. Anyway, this Christmas Eve the service theme was Celtic Christmas traditions - I only mention that, as a tidbit of information. The real reason for this lengthy paragraph was to share part of one of the Minister's speeches, during the "Reflection" part of the service. She used a story about a writer, whose name escapes me, and his tale of when he was gaining life experience in Greece. He was told a personal story about a little boy finding a piece of a broken mirror, in a war torn Greek village, and how that boy growing up marveled at the ability to reflect light into darkness - even into the deepest darkness, where light had never been before. She went on to talk about how we could be that mirror. How we could shine light on the darkness that plagues us, fellow man, the families of fallen men, women, and children… It resonated with me, and the darkness that seems to be with me no matter how hard I try to fight it. I keep pondering; who or what is my mirror? When will that mirror shine light into the depths of my darkness? How will I know that mirror when I see it? How will I ensure I do not miss this opportunity to have the darkness within me vanquished?

Deep thoughts on the anniversary of this blog based on the bipolar ravings of a crazy man…me; perhaps too deep... I know rTMS works, so why do I shy away from accessing it to kick start the healthy place I was in. I have a couple of theories; all have to do with worrying about putting people out, hating to ask for help, and hating to feel/be a charity case. Even though things are offered, my pride is ever vigilant in making me second guess the motive and sincerity of the offer. I always feel like I don’t matter enough for people to actually care. Therefore, they must be doing it out of some feeling of societal obligation, not because they just want to help. Thanks BP, I really appreciate the way you darken my thoughts…

Stay tuned for the continuing saga that is my life, or at least a glimpse into the diseased mind of a bipolar sufferer. Anyway, next blog post not so serious or long. I think I will share my contempt for people that drive, but shouldn't!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee -uh n]s… - my word, soon to be made official by the Urban Dictionary, watch for it. J

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Dan

Another Tragedy, Another Debate. More Tears, More Pain. Nothing Changes. Newtown Connecticut.

I write today like many in the wake of the tragedy in Newtown Connecticut. I am saddened like the rest of the world that things like this happen that this horror reserved for movies and nightmares, can visit us in our everyday lives. Kids playing, laughing, enjoying their innocence one second and in an instant are fighting for their lives, hiding, crying, terrified at this sudden affirmation of just how vulnerable we all really are. Is this tragedy, this killing spree of 26 people including the act of matricide, worse than those we have recently experienced? The other school shootings, mall shootings, et al is this one worse? If so, why? Is it based solely on numbers, the sheer number of human souls lost, or is it the fact these are little kids, just participating in life as expected enjoying their friends, teachers, school.

I want to scream and yell and punch the face of the now dead perpetrator of this heinous crime, but what good will that do. How will that help the families living this nightmare that no parent, no human should ever have to face? It won't. So instead we look at causes to rally for, gun control, more secure schools, although these are great and meaningful and need to be seriously looked at and reexamined, I see another path, a path that will lead to some hope, to prevention, and to perhaps ending this epidemic. We need, and not just in the United States, but in all nations, free and available mental health services. Even in the magical land of Canada, we are responsible to cover the cost of a psychologist, sure the use of a psychiatrist is free, but they are not always easy to access and it's not always enough; leaving those desperately in need, to have to wait indefinitely for some potential help. Giant cracks for someone to fall into.  We need vigilant parents to take note of their children's suffering, to not be afraid to search out help, to realize that getting your child help is not a sign you are a bad parent, on the contrary it is the sign of a GREAT parent.

We, the people, are the solution to the problem. Sure you can point at the President, or Prime Minister depending on your locale, you can even gripe at the NRA, but really it's you and me. How can little old me effect such change? I will tell you. You need to swamp your government officials with mail, emails, or inundate them with phone calls letting them know how this blatant lack of respect for law and the low value being placed on human life has got to stop. Let them know we are prepared to take back our lives. We need tougher gun control. We need to change our inefficient and ineffective laws to better protect us and punish criminals.  We need easily accessible mental health programs and services. Would stronger penalties, punishments have prevented what happened in Connecticut? I think not. Would stricter gun laws? I believe yes. Would better mental health services have made a difference? Again the answer has to be yes, but all of those things need to be repaired to provide a balanced and meaningful system. A system where the police have strong enforceable laws, where prosecutors have the ability to take cases to court with a feeling of hope that good can triumph over evil, a system where judges have the ability to assign punishments befitting the crime, no more wrist slapping. Criminals need to know that when, not if, they get caught there will be hell to pay. Critical to this improved system is having in place mental health services and programs easily accessible to everyone, especially at an early age. Hope needs to be a big part of this, hope for a good future, hope for the safety of our children, hope that things can and will be better.

No Americans, I am not saying, your freedom to bear arms should be obliterated. I just believe it is time you took a look at the system you currently have in place. Maybe it's time to reevaluate what it means to be free to bear arms, what it looks like, how it is managed, and accepting that stricter laws/rules/ guidelines (whatever you want to call them) will not deny you your right, but instead will secure it. The old adage is true, guns don't kill people, people kill people, and so with that in mind tightening the belt on firearm guidelines will help prevent some of those guns reaching those people. Will it cure all the violence, obviously not, but it would go a long way in the prevention of some of these tragedies.

Bad things happen. There are bad people. Statements that hold some truth, but also a whole lot of misleading gobbledygook. Bad things "may" happen, and if they do we should learn from them, grow from them to better prepare ourselves. What is a "bad" person? Someone that has lost their way from drugs and alcohol, someone that was abused and only knows how to cause harm as they have never felt love, or someone that a broken system couldn't fix or didn't even know they were suffering - perhaps a small child that was pushed through the system, no one even slightly aware of the internal struggles they faced thanks to their mental illness. We cannot give up on these people, whether they are our friends, neighbours, family, or strangers. We can do this. We can improve our lives, the lives of our children, and the world. Those children and adults no longer with us in Newtown, Connecticut cannot have died in vain. Their families are not sitting there in complete hell right now for this not to effect change. This cannot just become yesterday's news when a greater form of violence rears its ugly head. The people must be honoured in a meaningful and relevant way, make what happened cause for sweeping reform. Force change, force action, force new legislation, force hope! We can do this. We must do this for the children, for our children.

I welcome thoughts, ideas, topics, plans of all types, let's do this together people - sign up if you are on board.

To hope, to happiness, to love and innocence!!! We will make a difference for all. Take back your safety and your freedom, and live a full and joyful life!