One Day Late – Shocking

The death of one’s spirit forces them to approach the cliff with less wonder and more determination.

I can’t really smell the flowers anymore; The sun has somewhat dulled; The glimmer of the stars have faded into the blackness that once accented their brilliance; My heart is heavier; My eyes sore and red from the ever present tears; My soul is dying...

Compassion kills – That is what should be on the packaging of life, a big heart with skull and crossbones, like the old-school poison symbol on bottles. I am tired to death of caring what people think about me or what I say or how I say it or don’t say it. Always worried that I will hurt their feelings; how they think about me...

I am exhausted and crushed by how small I have become. How tiny my world is. How little I matter to me and this planet. I have tried – tried to talk to people, and I either feel stupid for what I have said or how I don’t matter or how wrong I am or how worthless I am. Is it my perception or true – does it matter – does it make it any easier – nope.

I guess the question is: How much longer can I fake a smile or laugh at a joke or answer, “I’m good, thank you” – I am the joke...

I ask myself every day, multiple times, “How much longer?” A day, a week, a month – I can’t think beyond a month. If I was a betting man (which I am not – except when I am at the horse races or the casino J) I would bet on number 5 to place or all on black... The professionals call Bipolar Disorder a “life-threatening” illness, something that I haven’t really mulled over too much. I mean sure I thought, hmmm...when I first heard it, and probably had that same reaction the second, third and so on and so forth – but this past several weeks I have really thought about it and how it relates to me – I guess for me, today, it’s like a doctor telling you have 5 months to live. You’re in shock, then tears, then anger, then acceptance – I am almost at acceptance... Does that mean you should embrace it and make every moment count, say your goodbyes and welcome the soothing comfort in the love that surrounds you...Or do you, like I plan, shut yourself off from everyone, become silent and fade into the background; until you're forgotten... Death frightens us all, whether staring it in the face or to know its around the corner – no matter the mask, the tale, the story or the context in which it was forged – it’s everywhere and affects everyone differently. I am afraid of it (the act of it) not the result, but I am more afraid of living...

I have, through all of this, decided to sign up for an 8 week Creative Writing course at Mount Royal University. I will also be completing the “Land Administration Certificate Program” at SAIT. Two positive things invading my life for the next little bit, something to help tether me to this world.

Several days ago I decided it was time to start looking for opportunities to socialize that perhaps I was ready to look at dating, but then I remembered how ugly I am, how stupid I am, how fucked in the head I am – so that came crashing down and brought me back to reality...

So back to plan “A” twice removed; hide, keep your head down, talk to no one, and if you have to, just

smile and ask them what they think about the question they asked – don’t offer your opinion, keep ideas close to your chest, show no one – just converse in your head or when alone talk to yourself. Let your brain die as fast as your soul. Climb into the bubble and remain there until your death, and hope it is a swift one.

BP is a tar pit formed by fake fears, misunderstandings, medical issues, outside stressors, inside stressors, cruelty, anger, selfishness, ignorance, doubt. It is real - for those that think it’s not feel free to ask the doc if you can try my brain out when I’m gone – for most it will be an upgrade. J

I was hoping this post would be a little lighter, but I just started writing and this all came pouring out.

I will end this post with a little poem I first saw while working at the Olympics in 1988 and just recently found again, by accident, while on that there internet:

When I awoke one morning

When all sweet things are born

A robin perched upon my sill

To signal the coming morn.

The bird was young, fragile and gay

And sweetly did it sing

Thoughts of happiness and joy

Into my heart did bring.

I smiled softly at the cheering song

Then as it paused a moments lull

I gently closed the window

And crushed its' fucking skull.

Forge on – one must do, should they want a better life, or just jump off the ride while it’s moving quickly enough to ensure....  

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

A poet I am not, nor sculptor, nor painter, nor writer too – I am what I am, how about you???

Hey folks I wanted to add to the title above “though I may not have the talent to achieve success in these arts, I promise you I have the angst...  :/ ” but it be too darn long for a title J

Like I mentioned in my last post I was hoping to blog a little more often (I will say sorry here to those that accidentally happen to see my blog – run now before you are dragged into my strangeness). This post will be a lot shorter than the last, but like the last it will be terrible...

It all started... no I am not prepared, nor cruel enough to tell you my whole life story although it is an amazing action packed, always colourful tale (not really any of that). J

I was at a session with pdoc (Dr N) who works in my pdocs office, as my pdoc (Dr M) was on holidays, so Dr N was nice enough to see me. The session was prompted due to my startling Dr N2 (his wife who administers the rTMS treatments) during my rTMS treatment. I was in a bad place, and she could read the

anguish I was feeling just by looking at my face. She started asking me questions to try and pry the truth out of me. My eyes started to tear up, a teardrop slowly slid down my cheek. There is no actor alive or dead that could mimic my pain, or my silent sorrow. My emotions were on the edge of overflowing the dam that I built to protect me from losing control, from crying. In that moment she asked me, after several questions, “Are you safe?” I of course answered, “Yes”, my stock answer for that question. She asked me some more questions, and my eyes welled up, but I could not afford to bare the sadness in my heart. The next question, the next question, the next question – then again she poses, “Are you safe?” I wanted to say yes, but instead I told her of the two, now one, thing tethering me to this body, this torture people call life... as I started to tell her that one thing, that one life hurdle that I need to make sure my son achieves and then I was done. The tears started to flow and Dr N2 said, “What about living for you?” I replied, “I don’t matter” (damn the tear drops are slowly trickling down my cheek as I am writing this). This statement made her cry, which prompted me to lose control and for a short moment the torment of the emotional isolation I created

burst through that proverbial dam. I had to fight as hard as I could to seal it back up, to re-establish the facade necessary to keep going until my goal has been completed. Hence the chat with Dr N. After I told him more than I wanted, he told me I needed to take a break from life. He suggested I take a weekend, or however long I needed, to get away from the two main stressors plaguing me, just me – just turn off the stress just for even a moment, to allow me to recharge. That I need to remember to do something for Dan, and to remember I have a disorder and that it is OK to be a little less sensitive to the people around me, and be a little narcissistic (to a healthy level). It made me smile a little, but inside I realized I never could – soft and cuddly I am.... just ripe for the abusing.

Sorry. I realize I told you this post would be shorter than the last, but I guess I had more to say then I first thought.

Anyway... How’s it going folks? I personally feel a touch better after 4 rTMS treatments (July 24 and 25 and August 6 and 8). I personally, and sadly, think I need to do the 5 in a row to get the depression back to J) a survivable level. I just hate to ask them to donate that amount of time, especially considering how generous they have been (a perfect example of my over-sensitivity and care for other people, and my lack of care or concern for me). I guess I would rather die than inconvenience or burden someone else. Damn expensive treatment...damn healthcare system and your disappointing approach to saving lives – Which costs more: people taking millions of drugs (suffering the side effects); numerous hospital stays; the lives ended because they are not worth saving; preventing the ill the opportunity to get back into the workforce helping to generate an increase in funds for the individual and society, allowing them to be free of the tiny stipend provided them through government services and to feel human, a part of the “normal” world; OR rTMS treatments for one month with some follow up sessions (if you didn’t figure it out the first stuff is more expensive J)

Universal healthcare is as real as unicorns and honest politicians. I found this interesting White Paper

authored by the Western University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation: Titled, “Measuring What Matters: The Cost vs. Values of Health Care”. Provided here is a quote: “Canadians’ values reflect the desire for a more “personalized” health care system, one that engages every individual patient in a collaborative partnership with health providers, to make decisions that support health, wellness, and quality of life. Yet, health systems are focused on performance management in terms of costs, operational inputs, such as services delivered, or quality measures such as medication errors, readmissions to hospital, and mortality rates. Health system effectiveness is not evaluated in terms of delivering value to Canadians.” I highly suggest you check it out. Western University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation White Paper 2012

On a lighter note: my WiFi stopped working. On an even lighter note helium...

That brings us to the end of the program, which is when I like to sing my lovely closing theme, “I'm so glad we had this time together, Just to have a laugh, or sing a song.” Oh wait that’s not mine. “I'll be back, when the day is new, and I'll have more ideas for you, And you'll have things you'll want to talk about. I will too.” Damn that’s not mine either... Well apparently I need a theme song (opening and closing) hmmm...

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Well look who is back!!!! Stand up and Cheer! (but only if you can read while standing)

A little hint it’s not Shady, and it's not the Backstreet Boys – it’s way more wonderful than that – It’s ME!

A four month hiatus isn't unheard of, like many similar forms of amazing entertainment of epic proportions

like maybe the occasional television program (for those of you that may be of a certain youthful maturity – the TV is that box that your game system is hooked up to, not to be confused with the other cord that is plugged into the surprised face on top of the other surprised face in the wall (those of you not from North America may not get that super awesome jokeJ). Beware of those surprised faces, because they are “shocked” for a reason ;) they are used to tap into such incredible power (not the kind used for world domination)... Anyway, what the hell was I talking about? Right the TV or TV programming – I am a little off topic, the TV is the tool by which I partake in observing Netflix (maybe since I mentioned them I can write off my subscription?)... So the point of this drivel and yes there is a point... OK fine there is no point...

I have been extremely busy – I think – I’m not really sure, as I am sure I have mentioned I cannot even remember what just happened, let alone 4 months ago J Basically I lived... I continued day after day, woke up, went through the required rituals of everyday life – making my way on autopilot, until it was time for bed. The next morning I would rise and do it all over again – basically on a loop... don’t get me wrong it’s not a terrible life, times have been worse (definitely worse), and perhaps if I borrowed someone else’s “healthy” brain I would be able to see all of the amazing things I have, the amazing people in my life, and the amazing opportunities I have been given – BUT if I am to do that, to observe life differently, then I need to be able to do it without Bipolar Disorder. It’s easy for people to judge when they haven’t had to walk in my shoes, to view the world with my messed up brain...with my doom and gloom thinking...my minute by minute thoughts of suicide...my sadness and tears (present even at times that should be joyous and celebratory) – when they do that, then and only then can they judge me (even then I may still tell them to fu%k off J)

Meanwhile back at the ranch – It’s time to talk drugs and other BP/Depression/Anxiety/ADHD methods to

amaze and often induce suffering...so pull up your chair, settle in by the fire and let the stories unfold..... I am currently taking Gabapentin for my anxiety. I have only been on it for about 6 weeks. My dose at the present time is 600mg. We are looking at increasing it every two weeks until I reach a therapeutic dose or until I hit 900mg, which is where we will stop the medication if there are no benefits. I have only been on my present dose for two weeks, and have already noticed a slight improvement. I have always been scared in movie theatres (not of the dark or a horror flick) it was the feeling I had to, during the whole movie, make sure I didn’t move or change my position of sitting very low in my seat as not to disturb the people behind me – the whole flipping movie, ruining the moment of escape into the story brightly projected before me... The other day we went to a movie (I was probably on 500mg of Gabapentin) and I didn’t give a shit about the other people. I actually enjoyed the movie in a comfortable position... Another torturous example of my anxiety is feeling like everybody is watching me. No matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, it feels like everyone is staring at me and judging me – I will be at a restaurant/play/movie/shopping/walking through a crowd of people, and I feel like all eyes are on me, even though the people are obviously watching whatever the event is or each other. Like when I am at the grocery store, whether it’s putting the groceries on the cashiers counter, or processing and bagging at the self checkout – I always think the people behind

me are judging me, and therefore I must go faster and I start to shake and drop things and sweat and get the whole shortness of breath etc, etc – it’s kind of like high school meets George Orwell’s big brother. It has always been a terrifying and debilitating thing – fears that I have been living with all my dang life – fears I just wrote off as “normal” thoughts (the list of things that cause me anxiety is far too long to write them here) – but some I don’t/didn’t realize they are/were so destructive and have/had handicapped my life... Well, I won’t say it’s perfect with the 600mgs of Gabapentin, but it sure is a bit better. The other day I was in Coop getting some groceries. When I finished shopping I took my items to the self checkout and I didn’t give two craps about the people behind me. I just did my thing – truly amazing, I just hope it gets better – maybe at 900mg I will go take a short plane trip and see if I can face one of my biggest fears head on (fear wise it’s just a little worse than spiders, not a lot but a little) and kick it in the balls. Perhaps I will get to skip the shaking, the multiple panic attacks, the drenching sweat, the crying and stop the overwhelming desire to make them immediately land the damn plane... Here’s hoping!!!!  Oh I hear you “healthy” people saying/thinking “Well I have stress in my life.” and “I am scared of things too.” – blah, blah, blah – again I would gladly swap my genius but chemically fu$ked up brain, for your less genius but chemically “normal” brain – then after you have enjoyed seeing things through my less then rosie glasses, once again: then and only then can you judge me...

 More drug talk: I mentioned in my last post (a long time ago) that I was prescribed Nabilone. I am not sure

what the dose was at that time, but currently I am taking 2mgs and it is amazing shit. Thanks to them and numerous sleeping meds (note I was able to cut down on the Zopiclone) – anyway I fall asleep in under an hour and when I do I literally don’t dream, nothing, I just sleep...but as soon as the Nabilone wears off, about 5 to 6 hours later, I always wake up but groggy, so I lay there and go in and out of sleep, and as soon as I do I immediately start dreaming, wake up, dream, wake up, dream and they are the usual vivid hi-def full color dreams. So I am hoping the manufacturer creates a slow release pill... one bad thing about this drug, if I don’t let the drugs take me to happy sleepyland and I fight it to watch the rest of a movie on Netflix or checking my email etc then I eat and eat and eat (most of which I don’t remember doing). I even cook and cut things in my sleep, only discovering my deeds the next morning when I get up and assess the damage...

rTMS: Well kids I still love this treatment and I still highly recommend it to ANYONE and EVERYONE!!!

For me it still works, but for some reason it just won’t hold... Like I mentioned in past posts I can go a week or two and then I need to get a top up – the majority of patients do not require this amount of maintenance treatments. Some people need none at all, others maybe every month or two, some go for four months without – but I have not heard of anyone needing the ridiculous amount that I do... So people if you are able to get it DO!!!!!!! I haven’t had the opportunity to see if there have been any new studies on depression and rTMS – like I mentioned in prior posts, rTMS is such an amazing medical tool that scientists are testing it on a huge list of diseases and other ailments. With the good sometimes comes the bad...since rTMS is so successful, research funds are being stretched over an ever growing number of different areas, equating to fewer funds for rTMS research on depression/Bipolar Disorder. I better get back to keeping up on rTMS studies and findings around the globe. However, that leads me to my next issue...

ADHD – I am jonzing for some meds for this stupid disorder – I cannot get my shit together. I have no drive to partake in anything, no matter the “fun” value. I am consistently “spaced out” (no comments you, you know who you are). The fogginess stops me from taking things in. I cannot pay attention to anything long enough to get it done, whatever it may be. (Not paying attention = not remembering things.) I am so distracted. My pdoc said we will look at this once we have the anxiety in check. Since Vyvance (Dexedrine) caused me to shift into mania our choices for treatments are very limited: Ritalin (normal or slow release) which like Dexedrine is a stimulant, or Strattera (which is not a stimulant, but many ADHD suffers have very little success with this drug)....so...ya

On a good note: A ray of sunshine invaded my life in June... My son and I went on a cruise to Alaska

(thanks to a very generous donor, who shall remain nameless). It was amazing!!!!! It was an awesome opportunity to escape my evil reality... We went on Holland America: If you want luxury, minimal kids, and lots to do I highly recommend them! During our adventure we stopped at three ports, and spent part of one day in Glacier Bay...

The first port was Juneau (home of (I am not sure if she is still there) former Governor Sara Palin). There we participated in a salmon bake (I hate fish, but my son loves it so we went). It was so cool. We climbed on a bus and had a little tour of the Alaskan Capital, and then we turned off the paved road onto a very narrow, tree lined gravel road. We drove slowly, deeper and deeper into this forest. Then suddenly we were in this amazing and beautiful oasis just on the outskirts of the city. It felt like this well hidden special and secret place. It was a natural and very old forest surrounded by outcroppings of the mountain that loomed above us. They have this great setup, as you walk down a short path from the bus, you are greeted by staff, who usher you

to the bar (lol – neither me nor my son drink), then they explain what they have and where things are located and set you loose...there was a great buffet with lots of different foods (even ones that I like) and everything was fricken delicious. They were cooking the salmon on an open fire (my son liked it so much that he ate salmon until he was sick lol), there was homemade lemonade, and some old-timey dessert that was delish. There was a campfire with marshmallows, and down a short path there was a beautiful waterfall. They also had a local musician playing a guitar and singing at the picnic site (he was quite good)...it was

a great time, an awesome place, and it was so amazing that I could share that with my son.

The second port was Skagway (home of... I have no idea) it was beautiful (much more beautiful than the

name brings to mind) It, like every other port, consisted of some houses, a large area of shops along the waterfront, 98.9% of which are jewelry stores (I am not kidding)...they all seemed to have a minimum of two popcorn stores, 3 to 5 tourist junk stores, a few clothing, and 25 to 30 jewelry stores. I was amazed and disturbed all at the same time. Well in Skagway we went on a train tour, as our excursion. The train which was an original from 6000 years ago (give or take a century) took us up this monster mountain, on this tiny ass track with the mountain face on one side and a 1000+ foot drop on the other :o - funny enough the train took us into Canada. The place in Canada that we ended up (name escapes me) consisted of only a Canada Customs building (if you ever want to either escape America to the awesomeness of Canada OR escape socialist

Canada to the not at all Socialist USA this is the part of the boarder that you should use). The Canada Customs officials even had to board the train and check our Passports (they barely even looked), and then we departed the train and got on a bus. The bus then gave us a tour on the way back down the mountain. Near the bottom of the mountain we had to go through US Customs lol (they cleared the whole bus load without even looking inside)... Once we cleared that we continued our decent. Not far from the Customs check point we turned off the highway onto a gravel road into this little forest in the valley. We pulled up to this very rustic, mock up of a gold rush trail camp. It is built on the location of an old trading post/last stop on the way to the gold part of the gold rush. It was called Liarsville as it was there that news reporters stopped on the trail to the gold rush,

and after hearing of all the hardships the prospectors were having, those reporters remained there and just made up stuff about the gold rush to send to their respective newspapers. Such lies included: balmy weather, short trip from camp to the gold, that everyone was finding gold and getting rich, and how easy the trek was “you can walk or ride horses”...none of the facts like: the month+ trek to the gold, the bitter murderous cold, the lack of roads let alone trails, all the deaths, all the horse deaths, the starvation, the fighting, and scams. We got to watch a

stage show, it was very funny. That was followed by panning for gold. I found three super tiny flakes of gold (of course it helps when someone already put it in the pan lol)...

The next day we sailed to the Glacier Bay. It was cool (not cold but cool J damn I’m hilarious), but everyone and their dog (k really there were no dogs, but still lots of people) were on the deck to also see the Margerie Glacier. Apparently we were all watching to see a chunk of the glacier fall off “calving” (the explosive sound of it plunging into the ocean is so cool, such a loud boom, even the small chunks). This glacier is self sustaining, it moves 7 feet every day, but thankfully it gets enough snowfall to build that back up, hence self sustaining... Prior to arriving at the glacier, as we were making our way through the straight towards it, I noticed that there were chunks of ice floating beside us. They started getting larger and larger as we steadily moved onward, then suddenly (well it felt like it was sudden J) we were surrounded by small to medium ice bergs – I’m like what the hell, hasn't this Captain seen the Titanic??? We didn't sink, which I am guessing you figured out based on the fact I am posting this – or is it ghost writing ha ha ha ha get it... ya just shut up and laugh...

The next day we were on the open water... of course all of these days included shit loads of food J, I guess that goes without saying. If you have yet to partake of a cruise – please, please starve yourself for at least three weeks prior to your departure...you will need this to allow for the 5000lbs you will gain while on your trip. I thankfully was able to control my eating (of regular food) what did me in were the desserts...so many to choose from that I didn't choose at all, I just ate one (or more) of each lol -  Thankfully, even with 24/7 food, I only gained 4lbs – I guess the average is between 8 and 12lbs. I could see this too, as so many people just ate and ate and ate...if they weren’t eating they were drinking...I also did some gambling, watched a couple of movies in their theatre, we went to see a comedian and another night we saw a magician, I even played bingo with the old people lol, we watched line dancing, I partook of the spa...and did I mention we ate. We also met a few people, most of them from BC ha ha ha... I should also, also mention the weather was amazing!!! Sunshine all day, with some rain and awesome fog at night (it was so eerie, but cool)...so beautiful and warm – locals and tour people were telling us how lucky we were, as usually that time of year isn't quite that balmy.

The third and final port was Kitchican: A very beautiful place, great scenery and the aesthetics of the town

were very thoughtful. I loved taking pictures of their amazing use of the natural landscape to build this tiny village. Plus wait for it – a thousand jewelry stores lol... Our Kitchican excursion was my all time favorite (and my son’s least favorite). We snorkeled and free dived in the ocean off the coast of Alaska. That’s right bitches I went snorkeling in Alaska! It was so cool. We saw sooooooo many Jellyfish. There were two kinds; there were these tiny ones (anywhere from 1 to 6in) they were clear with two pretty blue glowing lines intersecting their back/top. There

were so many of them you just swam through them, the others were this mean red (they sting so we were told to stay away from them) of course they were all monster large (well not super large, 1 to 2ft) they had super long tentacles  –  for one of them I had to swim 6 to 7 feet away from it just to get around, they were that long. There were loads of different fish, millions of starfish, and we got to see 3 whales off in the distance. So fricken cool!!!!!!

See the bears arse :)

Other animals I saw on the adventure, plus the ones mentioned above: a seal, numerous bald eagles, a bear cub, many deer, and maybe more that I cannot remember.

Well that was pretty much the trip. I highly recommend you go, should you have the chance...next I want to go to or cruise Europe!!!

Well kids that is, I am guessing, already too much reading (pace yourselves).... I hope to start back at regular blogging. If I don’t, please kick me in the arse to get me going!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan