Just checking in on how y’all are doing…
Things have been “fine”… mostly good except for this deep loneliness and dire view of myself.
I have been trying a few dating websites, but have had no real response…unless you count the numerous “older” women – like real old and very unattractive (no offence). So between my pickiness, and my self-hatred chances are really good for remaining alone.
I have been finding it impossible to fall asleep, and if by chance I do I don’t stay there very long – between 2 to 4 hours a night of broken sleep. I am exhausted. Nothing has changed in my bedtime routine, nor has my medication. This sucks to the power of ten, because we had finally got my sleep thing worked out with large doses of several different sleeping medications. I have had trouble sleeping since I was around twelve and have never been able to fix it until my pdoc found a drug regimen of three different sleeping pills, and three other medications that cause drowsiness. So what does that mean…that there is nothing else to take or try…ugh
I have also been fighting thoughts of suicide. For the most part they are fleeting and not worrisome…but sometimes they are so powerful I am actually terrified. Thankfully I get some relief, for several days, following an rTMS treatment. On the other days I think of my daughter’s wedding, and how I don’t want to ruin her day, but I give myself permission to do so after the wedding. This generally buys me some more time. It used to be my son’s graduation. Hopefully there will be something after the wedding that I won’t want to ruin. If not well then I guess we know the answer – well possible answer.
I also wanted to let you know my pdoc finally has a website www.riverviewmedicalservices.ca you should check it out. There is a lot of information on rTMS…plus bonus is a clip of me getting a treatment. Try not to laugh at my less than attractive appearance, sans the cap I’m super-hot! (insert winky face here)
Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...
Dan
