Anyway, went to the pdoc and after some discussion we came to the realization that I have been in a hypo manic state for a monthish, maybe a little less maybe a tad more. I hadn't been honest to him, me, or anyone around me about the immense anger I have been feeling or the terrible shopping high I was getting; as dumb as it sounds people that is a Dan hypo manic state. It is a very rare occurrence, in fact my last one of any magnitude was probably 10 years ago. So rare and weird that it made pinpointing my diagnoses extremely difficult. The morning I went in to see my pdoc, Tuesday Jan 15, 2013 I was actually feeling super defeated, and feeling the dreaded blackness growing around me, by the time I got into see him I was crashing hard. I actually came to the realization the night before, following my ticket, that the anger and shopping were out of control. My son had been telling me for weeks I was getting way to angry and aggressive while I was driving, but I just blamed the other drivers and that felt like the truth to me. It wasn't me it was them. Same with the shopping, he kept telling me I better slow down, but I ignored him and didn't realize the high I was getting.
So here we are the pdoc stopped my Vyvance in hopes it was the instigator in my hypo state. Life without Vyvance is shit. I am back to not wanting to do anything, not wanting to get up, unable to focus and concentrate. All being super imposed by this deep, deep depression. I am extremely suicidal, extremely sad, and very tearful. I keep having horrible thoughts that lead to bouts of crying. I am very lost, again. It has been such an amazing run of feeling better, losing weight and getting things done - this dark place now feels foreign to me. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere...
I hope it's a short stay no matter which way it ends.
Sorry for typos and spelling, my laptop is in the shop, so trying to do it on my iPad.
Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...
Dan
No comments:
Post a Comment