All Signs Point to Being…

Hi All

Just checking in on how y’all are doing…

Things have been “fine”… mostly good except for this deep loneliness and dire view of myself.







I have been trying a few dating websites, but have had no real response…unless you count the numerous “older” women – like real old and very unattractive (no offence). So between my pickiness, and my self-hatred chances are really good for remaining alone.

I have been finding it impossible to fall asleep, and if by chance I do I don’t stay there very long – between 2 to 4 hours a night of broken sleep. I am exhausted. Nothing has changed in my bedtime routine, nor has my medication. This sucks to the power of ten, because we had finally got my sleep thing worked out with large doses of several different sleeping medications. I have had trouble  sleeping since I was around twelve and have never been able to fix it until my pdoc found a drug regimen of three different sleeping pills, and three other medications that cause drowsiness. So what does that mean…that there is nothing else to take or try…ugh

I have also been fighting thoughts of suicide. For the most part they are fleeting and not worrisome…but sometimes they are so powerful I am actually terrified. Thankfully I get some relief, for several days, following an rTMS treatment. On the other days I think of my daughter’s wedding, and how I don’t want to ruin her day, but I give myself permission to do so after the wedding. This generally buys me some more time. It used to be my son’s graduation. Hopefully there will be something after the wedding that I won’t want to ruin. If not well then I guess we know the answer – well possible answer.

I also wanted to let you know my pdoc finally has a website www.riverviewmedicalservices.ca you should check it out. There is a lot of information on rTMS…plus bonus is a clip of me getting a treatment. Try not to laugh at my less than attractive appearance, sans the cap I’m super-hot! (insert winky face here)






Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...




Dan

The Rollercoaster: AKA Bipolar

Hi…Salut…Nривет…Hallo…Nривіт…Hola…Hei All!

(Note if any of these are incorrect I apologize I used Google Translate)

My last post was very dark, to say the least (I scared some of my family – sorry folks), but today I find my mood a bit brighter.

I write this post on my balcony in the sun. Basking in it’s warm embrace makes me feel good. Today is a day of leisure and some yard work, momentarily halted thanks to a wasp hive. I have sprayed them with Raid and WD40 and a makeshift trap, but they seem not to care. I need to get some of that foam suggested by my sister. I took a chance today to dig in the area, but chickened out when they got angry at me for destroying their condo without the proper paperwork. J

Actually me...

So instead (even though there are other chores I could perform lol) I sit here in the sun writing.

I would like to talk about the ‘coaster ride of moods’ bipolar sufferers have (in my experience). You just have to read my last post and compare it to this one. I truly wanted to die when I posted it. This one I am enjoying the sun. Sure I am plagued with the thoughts of suicide, but they are in the background where they have no power. Moods – Well for me they are depression and anger that comes up out of nowhere – but most of the time I bottle it up, just to have it manifest in some other aggression. Until I was diagnosed and we came to realize what my mania looks like: anger and shopping for the fix, always followed by a deep depression. I honestly didn’t realize how angry I was. I had just been used to bottling it up, which never ends well.

I’m a kind sensitive man (not perfect, but a nice guy). So this realm of anger, that I should be so angry, just

doesn't seem real, but it is. When manic I speed and speed fast at least 20km/hr faster than the posted limit. So when people are going slow (the speed limit). I would so like to punch the driver in the throat. I use the lessor word punch because this is public, instead I scream at them, pound on the steering wheel and I tailgate the hell out of them and on occasion some honking. I know you have all had this happen to you, I won’t bother explaining how bipolar mania makes things worse, as I think my past posts more than cover that. Let’s just say a manic anger episode is more like The Hulk and less like a two year olds temper tantrum.

I still bottle up most of my anger, some of it shows when I'm driving, or standing in a line where I can’t help but say some rude remark (not often) – just glimpse of the beast. Being mad and being BP hypo-manic angry are like comparing a cute little bunny to a pissed off Rhino. I don’t get the high that Bipolar I sufferers have. Just anger and terrible shopping sprees. I once, with only credit (no money at the time), purchased (within the span of a few days) a hot tub, washer and dryer, freezer, fridge, and dishwasher none of which were required. I had such a high it felt amazing until I got the bill and my high was shattered and replaced with a severe suicide filled depression. But the high that shopping provides me is so amazing, freeing, so close to what I'm guessing normal people have when happy.

Why was I so down in my last post, but so not in this one. There is absolutely no changes from then until now, in fact I feel more stressed out now thanks to money or lack thereof… (Money is a huge trigger for me). Yet I’m almost content (let’s not get too carried away). I am spending more time in the sun (perhaps that has helped). Although I still feel very alone and lonely it hasn’t been (in this moment anyway) a fight to stay alive.

I still feel lost and alone – people have so many ideas to help me change that, but they don’t understand that I need someone to take my hand and guide me to that something. I am trapped by anxiety, insecurities and self-hate that I find it impossible to move forward, like the inability to go to the gym by myself. So if you have an idea call me up and force me to do it. It may take several times to reach me, as I will be hiding, but leave a message and keep calling. I will eventually feel so guilty I will either answer your next call or call you back. Then the negotiations ensue; this is where I try and excuse myself out of going, maybe 3, maybe 5 times, or more or less, but eventually I will give in, and once I do it I usually, not always, but usually have fun. I thank you all for your care, patience and understanding (even when you don’t understand). All I can do is encourage you to try, I really need it.

 

Now back to the lighter things…I am still writing outside, but now sadly in the shade (stupid trees lol). It’s only me here tonight, so I don’t have to worry about making supper and the cleaning that ensues. I know I should eat, but I think I have a full on eating disorder... We will save that for another post… J

It’s summer, enough said!!!

Enjoy it’s beauty and it’s warmth…

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

 

Dan

Doom and gloom - Party Time

Hi Y'all

I have missed writing this blog. I just haven't had the will or the ability to be so vulnerable.

I am SAD.

I'm not talking about the Bipolar Depression, don't get me wrong I have that too, but the drug and rTMS combination have been pretty effective. I am talking legitimate sadness.

I have created, some due to the BP but some my own doing, a terrible life. I realize my problems pale in comparison to others, but I am not talking about them, I can only speak to mine. I have no support system, yes I have my family but they shouldn't have to go through it over and over again. I have 3 friends, yep only three most of which I rarely see (mostly my fault). My life has been my son - everything was about him (which I love and wouldn't change for the world). He has always been there for me too, which wasn't fair to him as a child. Now he has friends, a girlfriend, and he graduated from high school - he actually has a really good life now. He still has his issues with his BP, but all in all he is in a really good place. I did well as a dad (I really think I did - I hope), but now who am I?

I feel so alone. So intolerably lonely. My sadness is so deep. I came to the realization that I don't need to be here anymore. I raised my son, got him to adulthood, got him through school, and now he has a support system and I am done. I know I am safe for the moment, as I get to walk my daughter down the aisle in September (which is awesome), but after that just more loneliness.  

A lack of being needed. I keep thinking I should try and find someone to share my life with, but where would I find them and if I did why would they ever want to be involved with my crazy. I know I am a nice guy, I really do - I just feel worthless. I don't like me, why would anyone else. (So ya the more I write this I realize I am in a deep depression, heightened by my SAD life (insert smiley face here.))

Should I write a pros & cons list on whether I should kill myself or not - I am too scared to do that as the pros list will be far too long.

 

Doom and gloom seem to be the theme of this post. Hopefully my next post will be lighter and more to do with getting rTMS covered and such.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

  

Dan

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

I have missed you tons, and I have no excuses for why I haven’t been writing just...

Life has been uneventful... I am still helping the elderly woman. I keep staring at a blank pad of paper and want to write so very bad, but I just can’t seem to be able to pick it up.

I have actually been feeling pretty good. The rTMS, medication mix appears to be a good one. There are just two problems;

     1)     Constant thoughts of Suicidal. Most are fleeting, but others get stuck in my head and it’s all I can think about. Most I have no intent, others can be pretty scary. Generally with them there is no depression just 

     (which brings me to number 2).

     2)      I feel sad (not depressed, there is a huge difference), so sad about the life I have created for myself and my son. Not only have I graced him with this amazing disease, I also taught him how to waste money, how to alienate oneself, how to accept the status quo, how to conceal your emotions, and how to hide oneself and be what people want or expect you to be.

I have created a terrible life. I have no money to look after myself now let alone when I should be “retiring” (a relative term these days) – for this retiring means when I am elderly. I have NO hope in ever buying a house. I have nothing to leave to my children. I will always be poor and a burden. I wanted so much when I was little; I was going to be a dentist (but realized that meant a crap load of school and the patient’s smelly breath), then my next dream -which I held on to for years and years – the CEO of a large corporation (one that built). All strange...but that is me strange...What I didn’t know at the time was that I was harbouring a disease that would often show itself but never had a name or an understanding of why – he is just weird – he is spoiled – (to my mom from some horrible people) you’re a bad mom, it’s your fault. I feel so BAD for what I put my mom through. I can never fix, change, or give back what I took from her. She is an amazing woman.

In the rTMS world things have been changing, and in an interesting way. There is a new way by which they administer the treatment. It’s called Theta Burst Stimulation (TBS). “Protocols have recently emerged as a method to transiently alter cortical excitability in the human brain through repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS). TBS involves applying short trains of stimuli at high frequency repeated at intervals of 200ms.”

“Human cortical excitability can be modified by repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS), but thehttp://www.jneurosci.org/content/31/4/1193.full

cellular mechanisms are largely unknown. Here, we show that the pattern of delivery of theta-burst stimulation (TBS) (continuous versus intermittent) differently modifies electric activity and protein expression in the rat neocortex. Intermittent TBS (iTBS), but not continuous TBS (cTBS), enhanced spontaneous neuronal firing and EEG gamma band power. Sensory evoked cortical inhibition increased only after iTBS, although both TBS protocols increased the first sensory response arising from the resting cortical state. Changes in the cortical expression of the calcium-binding proteins parvalbumin (PV) and calbindin D-28k (CB) indicate that changes in spontaneous and evoked cortical activity following rTMS are in part related to altered activity of inhibitory systems. By reducing PV expression in the fast-spiking interneurons, iTBS primarily affected the inhibitory control of pyramidal cell output activity, while cTBS, by reducing CB expression, more likely affected the dendritic integration of synaptic inputs controlled by other classes of inhibitory interneurons. Calretinin, the third major calcium-binding protein expressed by another class of interneurons was not affected at all. We conclude that different patterns of TBS modulate the activity of inhibitory cell classes differently, probably depending on the synaptic connectivity and the preferred discharge pattern of these inhibitory neurons.” 

There is more information on the internet. When I find out more I will post it.

I have only had one TBS treatment, it was weird. My usual hour long session lasted only about 20 minutes, and where the paddle was on my head felt warm for a couple of hours, and about 5 to 10 mins after I couldn’t keep my eyes open...I was suddenly exhausted – so strange... I am not sure if it is holding as well as the old way, but I will try it a few more times before I decide if I should go back to the old treatment. Oh right, I forgot to tell you that the new treatment is cheaper since it is shorter.  Instead of $250 per treatment it is now $175 (still high but cheaper than anyone else in North America).

I am also going to star in my pdoc’s promotional video. They will be shooting it for their website. I will totally post the link when I have it. Then you can all see how dorky I look when getting a treatment. J

I am also looking at online dating (well actually I am registered on two sites). Sadly I am way too picky (I’ll hold off telling you what I am looking for, because you will think I am even more crazy – aim high right?)  And then I think about my life and my bipolar and then I think wow what a catch, ugh. I am a good guy, it just so happens I don’t “pack” light (get it lots of baggage ha ha). Oh well I will give it a try, if “she” doesn’t like me for who I am then it wasn’t meant to be. I wonder...How many dates before I should drop the bipolar bomb? Any ideas post it in the comments?

I think that is it. Next time I promise to whine more about this pathetic life I have created – no wonder I want to die... (sometimes)

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan