HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

I have missed you tons, and I have no excuses for why I haven’t been writing just...

Life has been uneventful... I am still helping the elderly woman. I keep staring at a blank pad of paper and want to write so very bad, but I just can’t seem to be able to pick it up.

I have actually been feeling pretty good. The rTMS, medication mix appears to be a good one. There are just two problems;

     1)     Constant thoughts of Suicidal. Most are fleeting, but others get stuck in my head and it’s all I can think about. Most I have no intent, others can be pretty scary. Generally with them there is no depression just 

     (which brings me to number 2).

     2)      I feel sad (not depressed, there is a huge difference), so sad about the life I have created for myself and my son. Not only have I graced him with this amazing disease, I also taught him how to waste money, how to alienate oneself, how to accept the status quo, how to conceal your emotions, and how to hide oneself and be what people want or expect you to be.

I have created a terrible life. I have no money to look after myself now let alone when I should be “retiring” (a relative term these days) – for this retiring means when I am elderly. I have NO hope in ever buying a house. I have nothing to leave to my children. I will always be poor and a burden. I wanted so much when I was little; I was going to be a dentist (but realized that meant a crap load of school and the patient’s smelly breath), then my next dream -which I held on to for years and years – the CEO of a large corporation (one that built). All strange...but that is me strange...What I didn’t know at the time was that I was harbouring a disease that would often show itself but never had a name or an understanding of why – he is just weird – he is spoiled – (to my mom from some horrible people) you’re a bad mom, it’s your fault. I feel so BAD for what I put my mom through. I can never fix, change, or give back what I took from her. She is an amazing woman.

In the rTMS world things have been changing, and in an interesting way. There is a new way by which they administer the treatment. It’s called Theta Burst Stimulation (TBS). “Protocols have recently emerged as a method to transiently alter cortical excitability in the human brain through repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS). TBS involves applying short trains of stimuli at high frequency repeated at intervals of 200ms.”

“Human cortical excitability can be modified by repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS), but thehttp://www.jneurosci.org/content/31/4/1193.full

cellular mechanisms are largely unknown. Here, we show that the pattern of delivery of theta-burst stimulation (TBS) (continuous versus intermittent) differently modifies electric activity and protein expression in the rat neocortex. Intermittent TBS (iTBS), but not continuous TBS (cTBS), enhanced spontaneous neuronal firing and EEG gamma band power. Sensory evoked cortical inhibition increased only after iTBS, although both TBS protocols increased the first sensory response arising from the resting cortical state. Changes in the cortical expression of the calcium-binding proteins parvalbumin (PV) and calbindin D-28k (CB) indicate that changes in spontaneous and evoked cortical activity following rTMS are in part related to altered activity of inhibitory systems. By reducing PV expression in the fast-spiking interneurons, iTBS primarily affected the inhibitory control of pyramidal cell output activity, while cTBS, by reducing CB expression, more likely affected the dendritic integration of synaptic inputs controlled by other classes of inhibitory interneurons. Calretinin, the third major calcium-binding protein expressed by another class of interneurons was not affected at all. We conclude that different patterns of TBS modulate the activity of inhibitory cell classes differently, probably depending on the synaptic connectivity and the preferred discharge pattern of these inhibitory neurons.” 

There is more information on the internet. When I find out more I will post it.

I have only had one TBS treatment, it was weird. My usual hour long session lasted only about 20 minutes, and where the paddle was on my head felt warm for a couple of hours, and about 5 to 10 mins after I couldn’t keep my eyes open...I was suddenly exhausted – so strange... I am not sure if it is holding as well as the old way, but I will try it a few more times before I decide if I should go back to the old treatment. Oh right, I forgot to tell you that the new treatment is cheaper since it is shorter.  Instead of $250 per treatment it is now $175 (still high but cheaper than anyone else in North America).

I am also going to star in my pdoc’s promotional video. They will be shooting it for their website. I will totally post the link when I have it. Then you can all see how dorky I look when getting a treatment. J

I am also looking at online dating (well actually I am registered on two sites). Sadly I am way too picky (I’ll hold off telling you what I am looking for, because you will think I am even more crazy – aim high right?)  And then I think about my life and my bipolar and then I think wow what a catch, ugh. I am a good guy, it just so happens I don’t “pack” light (get it lots of baggage ha ha). Oh well I will give it a try, if “she” doesn’t like me for who I am then it wasn’t meant to be. I wonder...How many dates before I should drop the bipolar bomb? Any ideas post it in the comments?

I think that is it. Next time I promise to whine more about this pathetic life I have created – no wonder I want to die... (sometimes)

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan