My Life Characterized By A Movie/TV Title, Why Not...

I haven't seen the movie, just so you know

My Life may not be best described by the movie title "It's a Wonderful Life", but at least it's not as bad as say "Titanic"; although many days I would say it's "Lost and Delirious", on others it feels like "Life is a Circus, Charlie Brown"; though not a description of my life per se, I hope the title "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead" staves off the exhaustion felt by my sleepless curse; but perhaps, and not in a good way, of late my life would be best described by the title "As Good as It Gets"; I do however, endeavor to one day announce to the world my life is best proclaimed by the title "What's So Bad About Feeling Good?"....

So, here we are at the end of yet another tedious week full of little more than typical daily drudgery... or was it, yes it was.

Although some highlights include the eight hour blog writing marathon on Monday, as I desperately tried to complete last week's blog post a day late. This week I also partook in the celebration of one of my friend's birthdays. In the morning I took her an ice cream cake from Marble Slab, and we serenaded her with a beautiful (not really, two people should not sing unless they are professionals) rendition of Happy Birthday. Later that evening we (four of us) continued the celebration with an elegant (perhaps too elegant for me, as I had no idea the true identity of anything on the menu) dinner at a very beautiful, albeit expensive, restaurant hidden away in Fish Creek Park.  Most of the week I spent a lot of time waiting in my car for people (well one person), while they were in appointments or school or what have you. I also spent an even greater time driving, and driving, and so much driving. But that just starts announcing the mundane aspects of my week that I had hoped to keep out like; showering, eating, not eating, taking pills, not sleeping, hating to cook, watching TV, not wanting to watch TV, helping people, not helping people - I am pretty sure you get the gist of it... J

My son had his 2nd last rTMS treatment on Friday, which is when I discovered they are going to take a 'wait and see' approach following the completion of his rTMS treatments. I am not sure I approve of the plan, as my experience has been such that this 'plan' provides the opportunity for an earlier relapse. However, seeing how each individual can have a different outcome in relation to the frequency of follow up sessions needed, otherwise known as maintenance, I am left with little evidence to argue with their decision. Should I be right (hopefully I am not this time, although it would be the first time in my life J) then I will battle with them on the cost of the solution to regain his victorious outcome.  In the meantime, we will celebrate the success of the treatment that has given him a new outlook on life, and the renewed opportunity for a great future. I will endeavour to keep a handle on his condition, as much as one can stay in the loop of a teenager's life, so as to ensure that if there is a setback we catch it early.

As for my rTMS, which I have told no one until now - including my pdoc - I have decided to cease any further treatments, following this week's session. My reason for this is, hmmm... Well I guess, for me, it's time to cut the cord; to see if I can go this without the constant magnetic manipulation of my brain. I don't mean this in a bad way either. I still firmly believe in rTMS, and I will still fight for its inclusion in insurance and government coverage. I will probably go back for maintenance treatments, as required, but for now I need to step back and see what happens. I have not heard/seen, in ALL of my research, anyone needing the number of maintenance treatments I have had, which either makes me unique to the world, or more likely a lot crazier than the entire human populace. In either case, to better understand that, and to determine the true requirement for me to remain stable or even better to advance to a healthier mental state, I need to step back and re-evaluate who I am now and my true psychological condition. 

In my continued fight for rTMS to be available to ALL, I am still trying to finish the government form letters I have mentioned, allowing others to encourage government leaders and insurance companies to embrace this 'medical treatment'. I am also still formulating the Facebook page for the same endeavor. I am just trying to overcome the procrastination that seems to plague most of my life. There is also one more thing I want to achieve, a far more immense task then the two mentioned, but every bit as relevant to this cause. I want to establish an International Association/Society/Council that will strive towards uniformed standards of rTMS delivery/protocols/regulations/parameters whatever the name, whatever the 'accepted' terminology the desired outcome will be the same; Doctors administering rTMS will become members of this elite group and adopt procedures and practices that they ALL agree will provide the greatest success for their patients. This will also help by way of strategizing/normalizing clinical trials, to formulate true outcomes based on consistent data.  I, personally, have had enough of the chaos that is currently plaguing the progress of this treatment. With almost every doctor administering their own version of the treatment, the results (successes and failures) are so inconsistent that it leaves the door wide open for the misinterpretation of the efficacy of this technological advancement in mental healthcare, thereby providing the government and insurance companies the justification to pronounce this treatment, as nothing more than experimental. Is there more to learn about, and advance with this technology, hellz ya, but that is no different than any other medical technology or practice. All medical devices, medications, and even surgical practices, are routinely updated, changed, improved, or even replaced because of new technology or discovery of new scientific understanding. It takes on average 12 years for a new drug to make its way from the research lab to the patient, so why then has rTMS still remained classified as an experimental treatment although it has been in use for 20 years (including approval for depression by Health Canada in 2002, by the FDA in 2008 (reclassified to Class II in 2011), and perhaps given more time and patience I could provide you the date it was approved in Europe? Well according to some additional research (directed more towards the US, as their information is more readily available) it appears, in the United States that several private insurance companies have started to cover rTMS. However, when you have organizations like the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS), previously known as the Health Care Financing Administration (HCFA), a federal agency within the United States Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) deciding that, "... the evidence is insufficient to determine rTMS improves health outcomes in the Medicare or general population. ... The contractor considers repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) not medically necessary when used for its FDA-approved indication and for all off-label uses.", it makes the task of getting rTMS coverage that more difficult, and the indication for consistency within studies that more evident.

On a less political note, it is with great pride that I announce I am within reaching distance of 10,000 views of my blog. Sure it may not be Justin Bieber's history making record of 2 billion views on his official YouTube channel, or Eminem's third place record of 42,100,441 likes on Facebook, or even Lady Gaga's Twitter top spot grabbing with 11,301,137 followers, but it is still humbling, surprising, and awesome. I have been viewed in over 92 countries around the globe. The top viewed post of my repertoire of 218 posts, since my blogs inception on December 30, 2011, would be my September 2, 2012 post entitled "Where Has Dan Been?????" sitting at 614 views as of today. Not one of my other posts has traveled more of this increasingly shrinking world than it.

That has been my week, for better or for worse. Not one for the record books, or even page 142 of the Sunday paper, but it is mine and I guess that is how I chose to live it (maybe not completely my choice, but I still had my hand in it). Perhaps, as I have promised and mentioned in numerous posts, I will complete those letters this week and make at least a step towards completion or even just starting the compilation of information for the rTMS Facebook page. No promises on the founding of the International Council of rTMS Clinicians and Doctors, probably not going to happen this week.

Talk to y'all next week...

“Festival of the impassioned efforts and manifold ambitions of all forms of youthful activity of every generation springing from the threshold of life.” Pierre de Coubertin (Almost sums up my week perfectly. Well maybe not perfectly, but if I was going to sum it up I too would have used words like; 'of', 'the', and 'activity'. So pretty close...

When we left off the fair maiden was cowering under the table, as the giant fire breathing dragon towered over her. But alas the valiant knight was nowhere to be found. Then suddenly he.... Wait, wrong blog or wrong story, perhaps not even mine...

So here we are the middle of October, in what was supposed to be a great year. I am not sure why, I just thought the number 2 0 1 2 seemed like a good, maybe lucky kind of year. Of course that was before I heard about all that Mayan calendar malarkey, and Hollywood started to predict our fate with CGI filled disaster movies... Now of course the Mayan issue has been cleared up, thanks to the discovery of page 2 of their calendar hidden away in an ancient house in Guatemala (in May). Phew disaster averted, or has it. I haven't heard the latest from the experts in Hollywood - if you do let me know...

In any case it has only snowed here once, and we have now successfully survived 9.93% of winter 2012/2013... Insert streamers flying through the air, and confetti, of course all biodegradable, bird and squirrel friendly... but still festive and, therefore, driving home my point of how exciting whatever the fact was that I just shared and you lovingly lapped up with your eyes... (Now of course at writing this, there are some rumours floating around that Calgary, Alberta, Canada, which is where I call home, (no idea why since there are too many people, and it gets cold, and white even colder stuff floats  down from the heavens - potentially during every month of the year)) can expect some snow this week - what? No thanks! Didn't order it, don't want it. I would like to return it for store credit in the form of a gift card.

Number of Historical Photos of Canadian Thanksgiving on Google

My week, hmmm... Well, as some of you may know, Monday was Canada's official Thanksgiving Day. Now I am very familiar with the reasons for the American version. I have heard the stories, watched the TV specials, and even partook in Charlie Brown's vision of its wonder - But I, until now after a little research, had no idea why we (Canada) celebrated it. So apparently we, Canadians, used Thanksgiving Day for a variety of reasons from 1604 (for I am not sure I guess just being thankful); 1763 (the end to the Seven Years' War); 1799 (off and on, not sure how that was determined); following the American Revolution, American Thanksgiving traditions like having turkey started to appear, as American refugees (them that still treasured Great Britain) migrated north; then blah blah 1800 whatever the west did this, the east did that; the first Canadian Federation Thanksgiving Day (actual civic holiday) was on April 5, 1872 (and in our strange Canadian fashion it was actually to celebrate the Prince of Wales (later King Edward VII) feeling better after some serious illness); then more blah blah in 1957, it was officially declared to be the second Monday in October. "The theme of the Thanksgiving holiday also changed each year to reflect an important event to be thankful for. In its early years it was for an abundant harvest and occasionally for a special anniversary." - Now I know this all to be factual, as I referenced Wikipedia for all the data. (and we know if it's on Wikipedia, it is gospel.) That there kids, is some vital and chilling history, no one should be without... except all of us that read it. J I celebrated the special day in jammies and did nothing... yay me.

The week was like most, up and out the door - drop son off at school, help friend, pick up son from school, take son to rTMS treatment... and so on and so on... He is doing very well with treatments, no issues and huge positive changes - damn, if you know anyone with depression or Bipolar depression send them for rTMS - yes it costs a mitt full of $$$$, but worth every penny (do we still have pennies, if not it's worth every nickel)! I really must get those darn form letters done, and that Facebook page created... I have to get this life changing treatment COVERED for everyone. Let's shoot for the end of this week for at least the letters, and see what transpires...

I have still been struggling with the dosage of this damn Dexedrine. I seem to be able to cover off a day, if I don't get out of bed until 12 or 1pm, but if I have to start the day early I am a wreck. I start off ok taking 20mg, but trying to space the remainder of the dose over the day is killer. I have tried 20mg, then 10mg, 10mg, and 10mg (so basically maintaining the prescribed dose, but spreading it out over the, way too long, day with a dose administered about every 3.5 to 4 hours). That did not go so well. The drug only seems to last about 3 hours, and when you ingest a Dexedrine it takes about an hour to start working, so I would have these huge patches of the day that I would be crashing (not fun, tight throat, dry mouth, heavy chest, sometime arm and chest pain - blah I think I already bored you with this). Anyway, it would happen 4 or 5 times a day, and the one at the end of the day was almost unbearable. So I said screw it to 50mg a day, and at writing this (Mon Oct 15/12) I decided to take 60mg today (20, 20, 10, 10mg spaced every 3 hours) and so far so good. No crashes, although I am feeling pretty tired all of a sudden, and my final dose isn't due until 6:15pm (it's 5:24pm/update to this update - still writing, well proof reading, it's 7:09pm. I did not take the 6:15pm dose, as I am trying to hurry for my son to get the computer - so far still just super tired no other bad stuff....yet). Whatever, I spoke to my pdoc today, (for two seconds, as I did not have an appointment, but I was there for rTMS so I figured what the hey) as Dr N suggested I get some 'cards' from my pdoc for Vyvanse. Then if it works he can see if my extended medical will make an exception and cover it. So with cards in hand I tried to get the prescription filled today, but my pharmacy's computer system was down. L Perhaps I will start Wednesday. Vyvanse 'should' last longer than the Dexedrine Spansules that I am currently taking - 'should' being the key word - Like I am sure I mentioned, Vyvanse is just a hi-tech version of Dexedrine. Supposed to last longer, and is smoother - no crashes... Eases you in and eases you out. We shall see. It seems to work well for my son, so why not. If this doesn't work, Dr N suggested I try the Ritalin family. Ritalin has a hi-tech version as well, called Concerta; same premise as Vyvanse, but a different technology for its timed release. They are both 'one a day' pills, which sounds awesome to me...

He is literally this old.

Saw my new Family Doc this week as well. Nothing exciting, I just needed some IBS prescripts filled, and I wanted to update him on my current meds, and how the facet injections have fared my back. The cool thing is, although it took a bit to get an appointment (a little over a week), I only had to sit there for 15 minutes waiting for him (I was there on time). Still my old doc you were there for hours, as he tried to keep up (I swear they constantly double booked appointments.)... Speaking of IBS - Dexedrine has saved me. And with weight loss too... J Double whammy of awesomeness!  

Wednesday, October 10 was my mommy's birthday, so we took her out for, a not so grand, supper. We went to the casino - the food is usually pretty good, and reasonable, but on this night not so much. Every Wednesday is Asian night. I was thinking, Native casino = very bad western Chinese food... But no, it actually = bad eastern Asian food. Well those of you that like traditional Asian cuisine, would disagree with me and probably tell me it is actually good. Some proof to back you would be the very large number of Asian patrons, and the substantial lineups for the Sushi Bar. For me however, not so much - kind of just ate a little salad, and a couple of pieces of dessert. But they did bring a piece of cake with a candle in it and sang Happy Birthday to my mom, so that was nice... We, well not all of us, then partook in some gambling. I really shouldn't be allowed. I am a 'just one more' guy. I started on the slots, put in twenty, won a little, lost a little more, and then cashed out at $20.50. BUT then I was, "oh just one more."  I put in another twenty, and once again lost some, won some, lost some more, then cashed out at $30.50. Having still not lost any money, I figured 'just one more'. So I took the $10 that I won, and put it back in the machine, boom it was gone! Prior to this, I was taking my time with the one arm bandit - wanted to feel like I got some sort of satisfaction of time between start and the loss of all my money. This last time the $10 went way to fast. So what do I do??? I take a twenty dollar bill to the change making machine, and break it into $5's. Then I make my way over to where my son and nephew are standing. My nephew was wondering where the million dollar machines were, I am like, "Over there, where the giant flashing sign says 'A Million Dollars' (or something). So we wander over to the machines, and discover each spin is $1 (the slot machine I was playing earlier was a nickel a spin). We figure what the heck, and we each put $5 into our machines. Boom it was gone in two seconds, and we were still no richer. Then I had been eyeing my favourite game - the big 'spin the wheel' thingy that has various amounts of Canadian currency on it, the lower the value of the currency the more it appears on the wheel. You then bet whatever you feel comfortable, on the currency you think the wheel will land on. The value of the currency, times the value of your bet = your win, or in more cases your loss... I have no idea why I love the game, but I do. So we played that for a long 'casino' moment - seemed like a good amount of time, and was fun. I started losing, as usual, but then my tide turned and I hit a $20 (with a giant $2 bet J), and then a $10 or two (again with sadly small bets) in any case I finally left the building up $35.... not a lot by any stretch of the imagination, but still not a loss - unless you count the money I spent on that food... J

So sleep has been for SH#T, as usual... I have been struggling to get to bed, as someone doesn't want to go to bed. He (not mentioning any names/my son) instead wants me to play video games with him. We don't spend a lot of time together, so how can I turn him down. We have been playing Resident Evil 6, which is actually fun (when I am not being yelled at, because I am doing this wrong, or I'm too slow, or can't aim). We have finished the first campaign; there are still two more to go. The last couple of days he has been busy with a school project, so I have been somewhat free - yet still taking forever to get to bed and sleep (usually around 3am). My son's school project is pretty cool. It's for a Media option (not sure official title).  He talked the teacher into letting him do an audio project. Sorry if I have already mentioned this. I find it hard to recall what I wrote in each of the previous posts (too long in between). For those that have read this sorry, maybe skip a line of two. To those that have not, the class he is in the options for projects are like; photography, vlogs, movie like things, mainly visual mediums.  My son loves music, so he convinced the teacher to let him engineer/produce a song. He borrowed some equipment from the school, downloaded some programs (free for thirty day trial), then met up with a couple of his friends and set to recording a song or two or three. Now (at writing this Oct 15 @ 6:18pm now) he is impatiently waiting for my computer to record some more, and finish up some of the work he did yesterday. So I should really hurry, got all the pics to insert and proof reading, and on and on... Anyway, I am proud of him, the song sounds really good, he and his buddy are singing and playing guitar, the other buddy on bass. Pretty cool stuff...

On Friday night I was minding my own business, and finally got into bed after cleaning - I am comfortably checking out Netflix (hmmm, perhaps that is why it is taking so long to go to bed, damn Netflixs and your Netflicory...)  Suddenly my phone announces I have a text message, (hmm it was between 1 or 2am). I am thinking it must be my son asking me a question, texting is pretty much how we communicate for everything (at home or out). But nope it was the most awesomest person ever... She used to work for me in another life, and she is the funniest person ever. Anyway, it's been a good year and a half to two years since our first 'drunk texting' experience. So I was ecstatic to hear/read from her. She is mighty funny sober, but even funnier texting while drunk. So we had a lovely conversation, her in the bar, me in my bed... (keep a lid on the dirty thoughts people, it's not like that J) I totally love trying to decipher what she is attempting to tell me, hilarious!!! The texts eventually stopped, that's just how it works.J  Eventually sleep found me, way later, and only briefly... but still some, which I needed for round two of my mom's birthday...

We had my mom's Family Birthday Party on Sat, October 13 at my house. Except for the cleaning the night before, I got off very well on this function. My sister bought and prepared the food for tacos, my niece made a salad and my sister (who was in town to visit) brought cupcakes... There wasn't a huge crowd, but good enough. I had two sisters, a sister-in-law (who, let it be noted here for the world to see, IS more than happily invited and encouraged to attend ALL and any events at my home (where family is not excluded J) - I suck at communicating invitations to people, and sadly rely on others to do the inviting - so I needed to put that out there to my sis-in-law (you know who you are J).... my mom was there obviously, and my son, and a niece, a nephew and nephew-in-law, and two great-nephews, and two great-nieces, also via Skype for a bit (my other sister, two of my nephews and ever so briefly my brother-in-law - from their home in Bermuda), and then back to my house - two dogs (they were entertaining all on their own). The two great-nieces are pre-teens, so that should tell you the joy we experienced with them. J We ate, we talked, we tried to play cards but waited too long, as my youngest great-nephew was ready for bed - and he may not have a huge vocabulary, but there is no mistaking when he is ready for bed. J He hadn't had a nap, so he did very well for a long time - I think it was around 7 or so when he was ready to pack it in...

Well I guess that concludes this immense piece of amazing literature. I hope you didn't snore too much while reading it. I did want to update you all that my once a week rTMS is still holding. Except for that little blip on the eve of Thanksgiving, I have been suicidal ideation free and in a seemingly good mood. I am still waiting for this rush of motivation, and drive (passion) for something, but I am thinking that might not be coming anytime in the near future. It is something I should, and perhaps will, work on to see if I can try and kick start it. Hell I spend hours and hours writing this blog, there must be a way for me to harness that and use it for my other writing, or some sort of education to aspire to more, to attain some greater future. Hmmm perhaps on that note I will bid you adieu...

Talk to y'all next week...

WTF? I am not sure what to call this week: A success, a fail, or an incomplete... Maybe a D or D-...

Well I set to write this at, well at a few different times today (Sunday, October 7), but then I got distracted with picking up my son, and then company, and then at somewhere around 8:30 or 9pm (or perhaps a little later) I got distracted by (and I have no idea why) cleaning out my email inbox??? So strange, apparently I haven't done so since sometime in 2011... But I can at least say my email inbox is somewhat organized, and considerably reduced in waste. Although I did notice (not sure why I didn't know this - very sad, I thought I was smarter than that) that I have a 'Spam Folder' that was created by my virus protection software. I opened the folder to discover 100s of emails - some albeit spam/phishing emails, but also a crap load of legitimate emails from numerous friends, family, businesses, etc...  some dating back to early 2011. Oops... So ya, if I didn't reply to an email you have sent me in the past year or so that 'might' be why... And of course, I smartly just clicked on each legit email to mark it as 'Not Spam', and they all just integrated with my emails in my inbox - so I have no idea which ones they are?  Well that is not completely true. I just did a little recon in the personal folders in my inbox, and checked out a person I know that some of their emails went into the spam folder, and it does say 'spam' next to the subject line. That being said, I have already moved all of the emails from my inbox to the various personal folders I created to 'organize' them - so I literally have no idea which ones they are, unless I go through each folder... there are 51 personal folders, and some of those have sub-folders, so ya no... Anyway, as I write this, or start to write this, it is now 12:08am I am not going to be sitting here any longer. L I will complete and post this blog tomorrow (well today Monday Oct 8, but later) J

It was suggested to me that I should perhaps do 'highlights' of the week, instead of my earlier posts where I gave you a long and wordy look at each day... So I will attempt to do so in this post, please bear with me while I get the hang of it.

So my son's rTMS treatments continued Monday afternoon, and I received my maintenance treatment this week as usual. His treatments went well for the week. He didn't seem to have any pain, or other issues. In fact he noticed some positive changes, especially around the middle to end of the week. Thursday he started to feel a cold kicking in, and started to feel a little lower, especially as the cold took hold on Friday, and continued through most of Saturday (causing him to be very quiet and withdrawn). However, by yesterday (Sunday, Oct 7) he was starting to feel much better. He was able to communicate, visit, and even eat at the table with us, all very good signs and a pleasure to behold. I really think the rTMS treatments, and the Vyvance are really helping him. The Dr/Nurse, let's call her (Dr S) that usually gives us our treatments, has noticed a great improvement in him. She said that through her testing, (they do strategic psychological testing throughout the treatment process) she has seen his suicidal ideation reduce significantly and his mood lifting, all this after only two weeks. Very awesome! I can't wait to see how he is at the end of this week/beginning of next (around his 15th or so treatment).  Every time I have undergone the rTMS initial 20 day protocol that seemed to be when I really started to notice a change.

This week we also partook in the exciting adventure of getting our hair cut. What made it so exciting you ask? (Well even if you didn't ask, I am going to tell you anyway.) The fact that we go to this cheap place, where you just don't know what kind of hairdresser you are going to end up with, is why it is exciting. Like Russian roulette, but with bad hairdressers and scissors, not a gun and a bullet. Well on this day, as we pulled up, the worst hairdresser they have (and I mean TERRIBLE) was walking in to the shop to start her shift, ugh. We walk in and sit down (it's so cheap appointments are not needed). Then the 'bad', no 'bader', no even better said the 'badest', hairdresser says, "Who is next?" Well I did something I have never done before. I threw my son under the bus. "You can go first", I said to him, with an apologetic look on my face. He gave me an evil look, but went. J I then took the next, not quite as bad, hairdresser. He hated his hair. He felt she cut off way too much. He only wanted her to take off three quarters of an inch. She probably cut off about two inches. He was pissed. I kind of like it. I prefer him in shorter hair. It slims his face, and I don't know, it just makes him look lighter, less dark and gloomy (I have no idea why). It could also be the treatments making him look less gloomy, because he is less gloomy.... J

After my son's pdoc appointment on Tuesday, we gave my mom a ride so she could drop her car off for an oil change. The three of us decided to go out for supper after, of course the joy of that was trying to figure out where to go... (I do hate making a decision, and apparently so do most people.) We finally decided to just go to Montana's. Big mistake! Why such a big mistake? Well for a couple of reasons: 1) I had NO idea Tuesday night is KIDS night, UGH!!! I never would have gone. Yes I have kids, and yes I like kids - but I like them at their own homes even more. Not a fan of really little kids at restaurants unless the parents have little angels, or at least complete and utter control of them, or at least know when it's time to remove the kid from the place if they do act up. Not relevant, just don't ever go to Montana's on Tuesday... Holy sh%t! It was so noisy, and full of crying, sneezing, sniffling, yelling kids. I asked the waitress, "What the hell?" She was like, "Yeah, no one wants to work Tuesday's because of all the noise, and since the kid's meals are free, the tips suck". J I actually did LOL... So ya, only go if you love, and I mean love kids. 2) I was crashing, as my Dexedrine was wearing off. So I felt like complete sh$t. The usual nauseous, heavy chest, pain in the arm, a little lightheaded, etc, etc... So I had to force myself to eat, and I probably shouldn't have been driving - but whatever J

This week I also had a shrink appointment. It was basically to check in, and to discuss how I was doing with the Dexedrine. So I met with my pdoc, while my son got his rTMS treatment. My pdoc was pretty cavalier about the Dexedrine dosage, and reactions/crash I was experiencing - basically most of the world taking Dexedrine have the same crap happen (according to him, every medical site on the web, and pretty much every forum on the subject of Dexedrine and stimulants in general). He also gave me a prescript for Clonidine (On Dr N's recommendation) to help ease me through the crashes. My pdoc also warned me that he has had several patients on Dexedrine that after 18 months on the medication noticed a depression start to seep in. Although it seems to be more common with Bipolar Disorder One, he figured I should still be aware. Since then I have tried Clonidine once, I will talk about that experience a little later in this post. So a bit later that day we went to take my mom to pick up her car from the garage, and a funny thing happened (maybe not that funny, but I don't have that much excitement in my life, so deal) J So here we are heading up the hill, from our house, to pick up my mom and take her to the garage - first of all I must admit to the world that I am a very aggressive driver (but frankly I am an amazing driver, probably the best in the world - I should really be a professional race car driver, but...) Anyway, I drive fast (and knock on wood, I haven't had a speeding ticket in, maybe like 20+ years) - which to some will be hard to believe since I am only '26', but it's true... Anyway back to the story, so here we are heading up the giant hill (Sarcee Trail, just south of 16 Avenue) I'm going my usual 90km/h in an 80km/h zone, and this white car with BC plates zooms past me. So naturally I increase my speed to 100km/h (why should they get to go faster than me). Then I see this large black truck, it like the white car was in the left lane, I was in the right. This black truck keeps speeding up, and then slows down, then speeds up, and slows down. I am wondering what the hell is wrong with this guy. So I slow down from 100km/h, back down to a possibly still too fast 90km/h. The black truck flies by me. He catches up to the white car, and suddenly the truck lights up, all pretty blue and red. Sh$T!!! I exclaim (more so in my head then out loud). So I slow down to a legal 80km/h, and change to the left lane, as the cop pulls the white car over to the right shoulder. The cop then sticks his arm out of the window, and waves me on (well now I sadly am not totally sure he was waving me on, or waving me to stop also - So I actually may have a warrant out on me J) - but both my son and I are 'pretty' sure he was waving me on... So moral of the story is, WATCH OUT FOR BLACK TRUCKS...

Since my pdoc was pretty lax over the dosage scheduling of my Dexedrine I took my son's advice, (his plan made sense) and started taking my Dexedrine 20mg in the morning, another 20mg 4 hours later, and then a final dose of 20mg 4 hours after that. I did speak with Dr N a day or so later to ask his thoughts on this schedule and dose, and he was fine with the scheduling but suggested the final dose only be 10mg.  So that has been what I have been doing since about Thursday. Except I noticed Thursday night I still had the terrible crash, and little crashes in between doses. I still hadn't tried the Clonidine. So on Friday I once again followed the 20, 20, 10mg every 4 hours, and that evening I tried Clonidine. (which I didn't enjoy) BUT I am still not sure if my 'reaction' to Clonidine was truly a reaction. I am not convinced the bad feelings weren't 'effected'/ 'caused' by either the bleach cleaner I was using in my bathroom (no air circulation), or the crash from the Dex, or simply a panic attack - (freaking out over each symptom, figuring this was it this was the heart attack I have been expecting), or combination of all of the above... So yes I need to give it another try, perhaps... I must say that Saturday, since I was going to be having company in the evening, I decided to NOT take any Dexedrine. Perhaps a dumb move, no it was a dumb move, but survivable. I felt really tired, and had some, but not severe, withdrawal symptoms. I found it hard to pay attention to people while conversing. I was easily distracted, had little to no drive and felt kind of fidgety too. I couldn't sit in one location long, but not sure if that was just a distraction issue, or the fact I was finding it hard to function in conversation. I also found it difficult to come up with words. They would always be 'on the tip of my tongue' just out of reach of my brain. My IBS also struck with full force - awesome I know (As of writing this, Monday, it's still not as good as it was before taking the day off of Dex). I pretty much did it for nothing too, as my company didn't stay very late so crashing wouldn't have been a huge issue.J I did get to enjoy the meal a little more, as I wasn't as nauseous about food as I am on Dex. Sunday I decided on a new dosage protocol, and I didn't crash (well I noticed the start of the crash, but this was at one in the morning when I should have been sleeping). So the new, new plan has two scenarios; 1) days I have to get up early, I will take 20mg when I get up, then 10mg every 3.5 hours there after (e.g. 7:30am 20mg, 11am 10mg, 2:30pm 10mg, 6:00pm 10mg = 50mg), 2) on days I sleep in, 20mg when I get up, then another 20mg 3.5 hours later, and then depending on the time a final dose of 10mg 3 to 3.5 hours later (e.g. 1pm 20mg, 4:30pm 20mg, 7pm 10mg = 50mg). I am hoping the doses later in the evening do not negatively affect my sleep. Like I said 3.5 hours seems to be the longest I can leave a dose without having some sort of crash in between. Which sucks, as they are Dexedrine Spansules, which are suppose to last 6 to 8 hours (as they are an extended release version of Dexedrine). I guess not for me. We shall see how this new timetable works, and change if needed... On Friday I also got Dr S to check my blood pressure and pulse after my son's rTMS treatment. The Dex dose was just starting to wear off a bit, and the usual crash symptoms were starting, (chest heaviness, discomfort, etc) so I was curious how much of it was psychological and if any of it was actually physical? My pulse was something like 80bps, which is fine and my blood pressure (well I can't remember the exact numbers) but it too was normal - so hopefully knowing that will allow me to try and remain calm when the crashes do happen... We shall see, don't hold your breath...

Sorry John

I must say that although it sucks to be nauseous every time I look at or think about food, I am still losing weight and that is awesome. I am no supermodel YET, but I am sure I have lost a couple of cup sizes, maybe an A now... J Got to love moobs - Ya, no you don't!

Our Thanksgivings Day was celebrated, by us, on Saturday Oct 6. It was a small affair, but nice, in attendance; my son, my mom, my sister, and three of my nephews. I also got the pleasure of cooking the turkey (I do not find that pleasurable)... It is actually very gross. My mom thankfully started the stuffing. I just had to combine the prepared ingredients, and then shove it all into the bird. Ugh... It turned out OK, just probably should have cooked it for less time or at less heat - hopefully I won't have to do it again, but if I do (and I probably will J) I will hopefully figure out the timing better... I Googled the sh$t out of 'How to cook a turkey', just to find out that apparently everyone has their own idea on the subject. That night, sans the Dexedrine, and after all the people left, including my son going to a friend's for the night, I kind of had a bit of an emotional set back. It wasn't huge, just a few fleeting suicidal thoughts - I haven't had any for so long, I was pretty disappointed. I just couldn't stop thinking about the fact I didn't want to keep living this way, with these stupid new drugs and their crashes, and my lack of success and motivation. They did thankfully dissipate, and I went to bed... Before I fell asleep I was doing my usual Netflix viewing, and suddenly my iPad started making all these strange noises. Here it was my sister Skyping me from Bermuda. Her and her husband, (and on a seemly permanent part-time basis their kids, and some of his family membersJ) moved there for a bit thanks to a cool job he got.  We had tried Skyping with her earlier in the evening, but I couldn't get my mic to work on my laptop. She said she would Skype us later, but in the meantime I had put my iPad in my room and never heard her other attempts. So we chatted for a bit. I got caught up on island life, and she got caught up on our Thanksgiving dinner. She was telling me, and I could hear them - even with all their doors and windows closed - that they have these little frogs about the size of a thumb nail, and they make froggy noises all night long. They don't have that nice, put you to sleep in the country, froggy sound. It, to me, sounded like some terrible alarm, and it is soooo loud. Ugh... Needless to say, she has found sleeping there pretty difficult. I think they have now been there around seven weeks. It was 3am her time, when she figured she should try and sleep. Then I popped my pills and drifted off to sleep - well an hour or so later, for a couple of hours - but still some sort of sleep...

We ended the week with leftovers, me, my mom, my son, and my sister. And today Holiday Monday (Thanksgivings Day), became a jammy day - well not completely, around 5pm I finally had a shower and got dressed. One of my son's old friends was coming over, so I figured I should look a little less 'tousled'. Then I set back to writing this damn, I mean awesome post... I seem to be way too easily distracted from my conspicuous task, that being writing my entertaining and highly enlightening blog. J

I hope this post is all you hoped it would be and more... J Perhaps next time I will include a section on the many countries in which my blog has been read. The data obviously doesn't show who viewed the blog, (so don't worry people) but Google does document the country of the viewer. It's, at least to me, very interesting. I guess I don't really need to note that I perhaps failed at reducing the wordiness of this post by 'trying', with little success, to sticking to the highlights vs. the daily format. Sorry I will try harder... (At least this time I have only been writing for about 5 or 6 hours, plus another 2 to insert pictures and post... WTH Dan?)

Talk to y'all next week...