Well I set to write this at, well at a few different times
today (Sunday, October 7), but then I got distracted with picking up my son,
and then company, and then at somewhere around 8:30 or 9pm (or perhaps a little
later) I got distracted by (and I have no idea why) cleaning out my email
inbox??? So strange, apparently I haven't done so since sometime in 2011... But
I can at least say my email inbox is somewhat organized, and considerably reduced
in waste. Although I did notice (not sure why I didn't know this - very sad, I
thought I was smarter than that) that I have a 'Spam Folder' that was created
by my virus protection software. I opened the folder to discover 100s of emails
- some albeit spam/phishing emails, but also a crap load of legitimate emails
from numerous friends, family, businesses, etc... some dating back to early 2011. Oops... So ya,
if I didn't reply to an email you have sent me in the past year or so that 'might'
be why... And of course, I smartly just clicked on each legit email to mark it
as 'Not Spam', and they all just integrated with my emails in my inbox - so I
have no idea which ones they are? Well
that is not completely true. I just did a little recon in the personal folders
in my inbox, and checked out a person I know that some of their emails went
into the spam folder, and it does say 'spam' next to the subject line. That
being said, I have already moved all of the emails from my inbox to the various
personal folders I created to 'organize' them - so I literally have no idea
which ones they are, unless I go through each folder... there are 51 personal
folders, and some of those have sub-folders, so ya no... Anyway, as I write
this, or start to write this, it is now 12:08am I am not going to be sitting
here any longer. L I
will complete and post this blog tomorrow (well today Monday Oct 8, but later) J
It was suggested to me that I should perhaps do 'highlights'
of the week, instead of my earlier posts where I gave you a long and wordy look
at each day... So I will attempt to do so in this post, please bear with me
while I get the hang of it.
So my son's rTMS treatments continued Monday afternoon, and
I received my maintenance treatment this week as usual. His treatments went
well for the week. He didn't seem to have any pain, or other issues. In fact he
noticed some positive changes, especially around the middle to end of the week.
Thursday he started to feel a cold kicking in, and started to feel a little
lower, especially as the cold took hold on Friday, and continued through most
of Saturday (causing him to be very quiet and withdrawn). However, by yesterday
(Sunday, Oct 7) he was starting to feel much better. He was able to communicate,
visit, and even eat at the table with us, all very good signs and a pleasure to
behold. I really think the rTMS treatments, and the Vyvance are really helping
him. The Dr/Nurse, let's call her (Dr S) that usually gives us our treatments,
has noticed a great improvement in him. She said that through her testing,
(they do strategic psychological testing throughout the treatment process) she
has seen his suicidal ideation reduce significantly and his mood lifting, all this
after only two weeks. Very awesome! I can't wait to see how he is at the end of
this week/beginning of next (around his 15th or so treatment). Every time I have undergone the rTMS initial
20 day protocol that seemed to be when I really started to notice a change.
This week we also partook in the exciting adventure of
getting our hair cut. What made it so exciting you ask? (Well even if you
didn't ask, I am going to tell you anyway.) The fact that we go to this cheap
place, where you just don't know what kind of hairdresser you are going to end
up with, is why it is exciting. Like Russian roulette, but with bad hairdressers
and scissors, not a gun and a bullet. Well on this day, as we pulled up, the
worst hairdresser they have (and I mean TERRIBLE) was walking in to the shop to
start her shift, ugh. We walk in and sit down (it's so cheap appointments are
not needed). Then the 'bad', no 'bader', no even better said the 'badest',
hairdresser says, "Who is next?" Well I did something I have never
done before. I threw my son under the bus. "You can go first", I said
to him, with an apologetic look on my face. He gave me an evil look, but went. J I
then took the next, not quite as bad, hairdresser. He hated his hair. He felt
she cut off way too much. He only wanted her to take off three quarters of an
inch. She probably cut off about two inches. He was pissed. I kind of like it.
I prefer him in shorter hair. It slims his face, and I don't know, it just
makes him look lighter, less dark and gloomy (I have no idea why). It could
also be the treatments making him look less gloomy, because he is less gloomy....
J
After my son's pdoc appointment on Tuesday, we gave my mom a
ride so she could drop her car off for an oil change. The three of us decided
to go out for supper after, of course the joy of that was trying to figure out
where to go... (I do hate making a decision, and apparently so do most people.)
We finally decided to just go to Montana's. Big mistake! Why such a big mistake?
Well for a couple of reasons: 1) I had NO idea Tuesday night is KIDS night,
UGH!!! I never would have gone. Yes I have kids, and yes I like kids - but I
like them at their own homes even more. Not a fan of really little kids at restaurants
unless the parents have little angels, or at least complete and utter control
of them, or at least know when it's time to remove the kid from the place if
they do act up. Not relevant, just don't ever go to Montana's on Tuesday... Holy
sh%t! It was so noisy, and full of crying, sneezing, sniffling, yelling kids. I
asked the waitress, "What the hell?" She was like, "Yeah, no one
wants to work Tuesday's because of all the noise, and since the kid's meals are
free, the tips suck". J
I actually did LOL... So ya, only go if you love, and I mean love kids. 2) I
was crashing, as my Dexedrine was wearing off. So I felt like complete sh$t.
The usual nauseous, heavy chest, pain in the arm, a little lightheaded, etc,
etc... So I had to force myself to eat, and I probably shouldn't have been
driving - but whatever J
This week I also had a shrink appointment. It was basically to
check in, and to discuss how I was doing with the Dexedrine. So I met with my
pdoc, while my son got his rTMS treatment. My pdoc was pretty cavalier about
the Dexedrine dosage, and reactions/crash I was experiencing - basically most
of the world taking Dexedrine have the same crap happen (according to him,
every medical site on the web, and pretty much every forum on the subject of
Dexedrine and stimulants in general). He also gave me a prescript for Clonidine
(On Dr N's recommendation) to help ease me through the crashes. My pdoc also
warned me that he has had several patients on Dexedrine that after 18 months on
the medication noticed a depression start to seep in. Although it seems to be
more common with Bipolar Disorder One, he figured I should still be aware. Since
then I have tried Clonidine once, I will talk about that experience a little
later in this post. So a bit later that day we went to take my mom to pick up
her car from the garage, and a funny thing happened (maybe not that funny, but
I don't have that much excitement in my life, so deal) J So here we are heading
up the hill, from our house, to pick up my mom and take her to the garage - first
of all I must admit to the world that I am a very aggressive driver (but
frankly I am an amazing driver, probably the best in the world - I should
really be a professional race car driver, but...) Anyway, I drive fast (and
knock on wood, I haven't had a speeding ticket in, maybe like 20+ years) -
which to some will be hard to believe since I am only '26', but it's true... Anyway
back to the story, so here we are heading up the giant hill (Sarcee Trail, just
south of 16 Avenue) I'm going my usual 90km/h in an 80km/h zone, and this white
car with BC plates zooms past me. So naturally I increase my speed to 100km/h (why
should they get to go faster than me). Then I see this large black truck, it
like the white car was in the left lane, I was in the right. This black truck
keeps speeding up, and then slows down, then speeds up, and slows down. I am
wondering what the hell is wrong with this guy. So I slow down from 100km/h,
back down to a possibly still too fast 90km/h. The black truck flies by me. He
catches up to the white car, and suddenly the truck lights up, all pretty blue
and red. Sh$T!!! I exclaim (more so in my head then out loud). So I slow down
to a legal 80km/h, and change to the left lane, as the cop pulls the white car
over to the right shoulder. The cop then sticks his arm out of the window, and
waves me on (well now I sadly am not totally sure he was waving me on, or
waving me to stop also - So I actually may have a warrant out on me J)
- but both my son and I are 'pretty' sure he was waving me on... So moral of
the story is, WATCH OUT FOR BLACK TRUCKS...
Since my pdoc was pretty lax over the dosage scheduling of
my Dexedrine I took my son's advice, (his plan made sense) and started taking
my Dexedrine 20mg in the morning, another 20mg 4 hours later, and then a final
dose of 20mg 4 hours after that. I did speak with Dr N a day or so later to ask
his thoughts on this schedule and dose, and he was fine with the scheduling but
suggested the final dose only be 10mg. So
that has been what I have been doing since about Thursday. Except I noticed
Thursday night I still had the terrible crash, and little crashes in between
doses. I still hadn't tried the Clonidine. So on Friday I once again followed
the 20, 20, 10mg every 4 hours, and that evening I tried Clonidine. (which I
didn't enjoy) BUT I am still not sure if my 'reaction' to Clonidine was truly a
reaction. I am not convinced the bad feelings weren't 'effected'/ 'caused' by
either the bleach cleaner I was using in my bathroom (no air circulation), or the
crash from the Dex, or simply a panic attack - (freaking out over each symptom,
figuring this was it this was the heart attack I have been expecting), or combination
of all of the above... So yes I need to give it another try, perhaps... I must
say that Saturday, since I was going to be having company in the evening, I
decided to NOT take any Dexedrine. Perhaps a dumb move, no it was a dumb move,
but survivable. I felt really tired, and had some, but not severe, withdrawal
symptoms. I found it hard to pay attention to people while conversing. I was
easily distracted, had little to no drive and felt kind of fidgety too. I couldn't
sit in one location long, but not sure if that was just a distraction issue, or
the fact I was finding it hard to function in conversation. I also found it difficult
to come up with words. They would always be 'on the tip of my tongue' just out
of reach of my brain. My IBS also struck with full force - awesome I know (As
of writing this, Monday, it's still not as good as it was before taking the day
off of Dex). I pretty much did it for nothing too, as my company didn't stay
very late so crashing wouldn't have been a huge issue.J I did get to enjoy the
meal a little more, as I wasn't as nauseous about food as I am on Dex. Sunday I
decided on a new dosage protocol, and I didn't crash (well I noticed the start
of the crash, but this was at one in the morning when I should have been
sleeping). So the new, new plan has two scenarios; 1) days I have to get up
early, I will take 20mg when I get up, then 10mg every 3.5 hours there after (e.g.
7:30am 20mg, 11am 10mg, 2:30pm 10mg, 6:00pm 10mg = 50mg), 2) on days I sleep
in, 20mg when I get up, then another 20mg 3.5 hours later, and then depending
on the time a final dose of 10mg 3 to 3.5 hours later (e.g. 1pm 20mg, 4:30pm 20mg,
7pm 10mg = 50mg). I am hoping the doses later in the evening do not negatively affect
my sleep. Like I said 3.5 hours seems to be the longest I can leave a dose
without having some sort of crash in between. Which sucks, as they are
Dexedrine Spansules, which are suppose to last 6 to 8 hours (as they are an
extended release version of Dexedrine). I guess not for me. We shall see how
this new timetable works, and change if needed... On Friday I also got Dr S to
check my blood pressure and pulse after my son's rTMS treatment. The Dex dose
was just starting to wear off a bit, and the usual crash symptoms were starting,
(chest heaviness, discomfort, etc) so I was curious how much of it was psychological
and if any of it was actually physical? My pulse was something like 80bps,
which is fine and my blood pressure (well I can't remember the exact numbers)
but it too was normal - so hopefully knowing that will allow me to try and
remain calm when the crashes do happen... We shall see, don't hold your
breath...
 |
| Sorry John |
I must say that although it sucks to be nauseous every time
I look at or think about food, I am still losing weight and that is awesome. I
am no supermodel YET, but I am sure I have lost a couple of cup sizes, maybe an
A now... J
Got to love moobs - Ya, no you don't!
Our Thanksgivings Day was celebrated, by us, on Saturday Oct
6. It was a small affair, but nice, in attendance; my son, my mom, my sister,
and three of my nephews. I also got the pleasure of cooking the turkey (I do
not find that pleasurable)... It is actually very gross. My mom thankfully
started the stuffing. I just had to combine the prepared ingredients, and then
shove it all into the bird. Ugh... It turned out OK, just probably should have
cooked it for less time or at less heat - hopefully I won't have to do it
again, but if I do (and I probably will J) I will hopefully figure out the timing better... I
Googled the sh$t out of 'How to cook a turkey', just to find out that
apparently everyone has their own idea on the subject. That night, sans the
Dexedrine, and after all the people left, including my son going to a friend's
for the night, I kind of had a bit of an emotional set back. It wasn't huge,
just a few fleeting suicidal thoughts - I haven't had any for so long, I was
pretty disappointed. I just couldn't stop thinking about the fact I didn't want
to keep living this way, with these stupid new drugs and their crashes, and my
lack of success and motivation. They did thankfully dissipate, and I went to
bed... Before I fell asleep I was doing my usual Netflix viewing, and suddenly
my iPad started making all these strange noises. Here it was my sister Skyping
me from Bermuda. Her and her husband, (and on a seemly permanent part-time
basis their kids, and some of his family membersJ) moved there for a bit thanks to a cool job he got. We had tried Skyping with her earlier in the
evening, but I couldn't get my mic to work on my laptop. She said she would
Skype us later, but in the meantime I had put my iPad in my room and never
heard her other attempts. So we chatted for a bit. I got caught up on island
life, and she got caught up on our Thanksgiving dinner. She was telling me, and
I could hear them - even with all their doors and windows closed - that they
have these little frogs about the size of a thumb nail, and they make froggy
noises all night long. They don't have that nice, put you to sleep in the
country, froggy sound. It, to me, sounded like some terrible alarm, and it is
soooo loud. Ugh... Needless to say, she has found sleeping there pretty
difficult. I think they have now been there around seven weeks. It was 3am her
time, when she figured she should try and sleep. Then I popped my pills and
drifted off to sleep - well an hour or so later, for a couple of hours - but
still some sort of sleep...
We ended the week with leftovers, me, my mom, my son, and my
sister. And today Holiday Monday (Thanksgivings Day), became a jammy day - well
not completely, around 5pm I finally had a shower and got dressed. One of my son's
old friends was coming over, so I figured I should look a little less 'tousled'.
Then I set back to writing this damn, I mean awesome post... I seem to be way
too easily distracted from my conspicuous task, that being writing my
entertaining and highly enlightening blog. J
I hope this post is all you hoped it would be and more... J
Perhaps next time I will include a section on the many countries in which my
blog has been read. The data obviously doesn't show who viewed the blog, (so
don't worry people) but Google does document the country of the viewer. It's,
at least to me, very interesting. I guess I don't really need to note that I
perhaps failed at reducing the wordiness of this post by 'trying', with little
success, to sticking to the highlights vs. the daily format. Sorry I will try harder...
(At least this time I have only been writing for about 5 or 6 hours, plus another 2 to insert pictures and post... WTH Dan?)
Talk to y'all next week...
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