“We’re spinning around, we’re up and we’re down. We’re talking ride on the Merry-Go-Round.”

Sorry it’s been a while since my last ‘real’ post. My world, thanks to the increase of one medication and the removal of another, has been a few weeks of ‘crazy’.

Here is the link to the AWESOME Smurf's Merry Go Round song

Smurf's "Merry Go Round Song"

Last week, two days after increasing my Latuda from 40mg to 60mg, I pretty much went over the edge. I even did a Vlog via my phone throughout the day, but after viewing it the next day – there was no way I could post it. It was way too personal, and I was literally crazy. I am not sure what it is like to go insane, but it was like what I imagine it would feel like. My mind was going a million miles an hour. I couldn’t seem to control it. My body just want to shutdown, yet meanwhile it felt like I was bursting out of my skin. I was depressed one sec, angry the next, crying the next. Just watching my vlog of that day disturbs me. The next day I went for an rTMS treatment and the Dr Nurse that administers the treatment, made an emergency appointment with my pdoc. I survived the night, and then at the appointment the next day he gave me shit for not putting two and two together to realize it was the increase of the drug. He told me to stop the drug for a couple of days, and then go back on a low dose. However, I did mention to him and a million other people that I thought even the low dose of the Latuda was effecting me in a negative way. When I took it at supper (which is the recommended time to take the drug), two hours later I would be super agitated. I couldn’t sit still and just felt like I would explode out of my skin. My pdoc then suggested I take it at bedtime, so I did and my sleep (which is one of the things it was supposed to help with) went from my usual shitty sleep to SUPER shitty sleep... I still took it like a good boy trying to give it a real chance (as you know sometimes negative effects wear off) but nope months and months later still even worse sleep – so when the pdoc said stop the drug for a couple of days, I took that to the next level and stopped all together – sleep is now back to shitty instead of super shitty. I just need to figure out when to let him know...

Thanks to that bout of mania that I think I noted in my last post – my pdoc removed Vyvance and life has SUCKED ever since. Vyvance really helped me. I always thought Dan (me) was simply a guy that just wanted to hide in his room forever, was slow because he couldn’t remember or really register what people said or were saying, that I couldn’t learn because I couldn’t retain anything, that he would take on a task and when it got boring he would just shutdown and want to quit (whether it was a job, or just a task at home, or helping someone)... Well with Vyvance I functioned (my son says I am addicted) if I am, I am addicted to the life it gave me back. I had no idea how bad I had “ADHD: Inattentive Type”, and how much it control(s) my life. With the medication, I was able to get things done – and it didn’t matter if it was boring, tedious, or bothersome. I did it and was fine with it. Listening to people, I could finally hear them. My mind wasn’t crowded with other thoughts preventing me from paying attention. I wasn’t easily distracted by anything and everything. I could remember things, I could learn things (retain it). But now I have been off Vyvance for three weeks and the old Dan is back with a vengeance. I have found myself just hiding in my room, dropping out of helping people, staying alone, and hidden away. When people talk to me, I zone out the whole time. I have to keep asking them what they said. I can’t retain anything because my head is so crowded with thoughts and I am so easily distracted. So if I am addicted to that so fricken be it J

In the meantime, while I wait for my pdoc to let me try another ADHD medication (in hopes it will not heat up the mania) life is shit. Thanks to the rTMS I am not super depressed, and suicidal thoughts are basically non-existent. rTMS is the bomb people – I wish you all had access to it. Anyone with depression, any kind of depression needs this treatment!!!!!!!!!!!

I still want to Vlog within a Blog post, but I guess not quite yet, but soon – once I am a little less ‘crazy’!

I had a wonderful day yesterday with a house full of family. Crazy at times. Loud at times. Dogs barking at times. So much closeness, love (however that looks), surrounded by people you seem to see less and less of... Sure I had a lot of house cleaning to do, but well worth it. I wish I could have Family Fun Nights at my house every week. I really miss being social and spending time with my family!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan