Time; it can be good, it can be fun, it can feel real slow, or speed past you like a bullet train. Time can be your friend, or your worst enemy. What time cannot be is stopped, no matter how hard we may try. Time will always slip by…

Here we are another week gone without any great achievements on my part, no great successes, and I guess to be thankful, no complete and utter failures either. I, again, am unsure how to structure this new weekly blog, but again for this week I will primarily group it based on the day of the week.

I must first mention how much I think I hate Dexedrine, although I am not completely sure if it is the drug, or some immune issue I have going. I still feel like I am on the verge of a cold, but one that never quite takes hold. Sore throat, feeling lethargic, slight cough, all of which get a little worse than almost appear to be gone then are suddenly back. It's tiresome, and not at all pleasurable. BUT I have lost around 8lbs over the past two weeks, so that part is almost worth all of the pain and suffering (I have now lost about 22 or 23lbs over the past two months - once I got off of those stupid weight causing mental health medications.) I am sure there will be more mention of this, as I go through the journal I keep daily for this weekly blog adventure…

Monday Sept 17/12 - I started off the week going to see my pdoc, my first 'real' appointment with him in forever.  I see him at some of my rTMS treatment appointments, but not always and he has been away several times over the summer. It was an early appointment, too early for me. I keep trying to explain to them that I am barely functioning in the morning thanks to no sleep, but whatever. I tried to do my best in bringing him up to speed. We discussed the Dexedrine. He figured we would increase the dose to 30mgs in the morning and 20mgs in the afternoon, then in a week up it to 40mgs in the morning and still doing the 20mgs in the afternoon. He was also thinking that we may do this for a week or two and look at trying Ritalin for the heck of it. Which I am fine with doing, might as well see what each of them have to offer… This pdoc appointment was followed by an rTMS treatment, prior to which my pdoc announced we were going down to one rTMS treatment per week. I was not thrilled to hear that, but knew it was coming. Reality is, if I have to start paying for my own treatments come January - there is no way I can afford weekly treatments, let alone the two one week, one the next week schedule we were doing. Worst case scenario I can't afford to go anymore and I end my life, best case scenario I can afford once per month and live in the shadow of suicide for my remaining years - Great… not really. I also tried at that point to get my son an appointment for an assessment with Dr N, but found out he books his own appointments, so they would get him to call me… Fine I guess… When I finally got home I was exhausted and still feeling 'sick', so I went back to bed. That evening we went and did our monthly Wal-Mart supply stock up. A great place to get all those household and personal hygiene items that cost way more at grocery stores… It wasn't even too crowded, and several cashiers were open - was it really a Wal-Mart, I believe it was at least according to the side of the plastic bags….. J

Tuesday Sept 18/12 - I took my son to school in the morning, and headed over to my friend's to help her out… It was a pretty average day. I did some banking, picked up some medications; then picked up my son from the LRT station and we went and got the early birthday present I got him (well he ordered it, I paid) - it was a video game of course (Borderland II for those in the know). We went home and I did nothing (shocker I know). Although that evening I did venture into the real world, and went to my son's School Council meeting, of which I am on the Executive as the Past President. I basically missed every meeting last year, due to all the shit mentioned on this blog site. I feel bad for that and was hoping that since there are only two meetings left with me on the Executive I need to attend them. It was nerve racking. I kept having panic attacks; sweating, increased heart rate, hard to breath, all the usuals - figured I was having a heart attack (not sure why I always go to the heart attack thing, but as soon as a panic attack kicks in boom I think I am having a heart attack…) Anyway, I survived it, and it was great to be interacting with people, even if it was scary. I got home pretty late, and then realized I needed to do laundry, which made for an even later night…

Wednesday Sept 19/12 - I started the day taking my son to his follow up appointment at the Children's Hospital for his concussion (the last time he will be allowed to go to the Children's Hospital, as he is turning 18 tomorrow (Sept 20) L). We got there a bit early, only to find out that they have no such appointment scheduled. They couldn't figure out why they would even make such an appointment with us, because there was no anticipated follow up. I am like what, there was an appointment scheduled for the beginning of August that I had to cancel because my son was in the hospital, and the lady on the other end said I shouldn't cancel it I should reschedule it. I said I wasn't sure when he would be getting out of the hospital, she said that shouldn't matter, as their next available appointment wasn't until late September. She said appointments fill up fast, so I really should just book it anyway - so I did… ugh Anyway, he is feeling much better, so we said f$%# it and left. I took him for a quick McDonald's breakfast (which I sadly did not partake, as Dexedrine makes me not only feel full and not want to eat, but also the thought of food makes me nauseous - even just writing this and thinking about food I want to hurl), then I took him to school. I went off to help my friend - I took her for blood work, and to the bank. She took us (her live-in nurse/maid person, and me) to lunch. It was so nice out, so we sat on the patio at Earls and enjoyed some sunshine and conversation. I know right the patio in Canada in September - what??? Then back at her house I helped her with some business stuff, and preparing some documents for mailing. (Not very exciting, but it needed to be done.) In trying to prepare said documents, we discovered that one was missing. I didn't think we would ever find it, and the document needed to go out for overnight delivery. So I was way late leaving her house, but at least I found the paper. I eventually went and picked up my son from his pdoc appointment (thankfully he was running late too) and headed off to mail the documents. We also had to stop off and get my son his newly increased Vyvance dosage prescribed for his ADHD. He seemed in good spirits, so that was good. Then through the worst traffic ever we tried to make our way home as quickly as possible, mainly so he could play his new game. He also told me some bad news about school, but to explain it would take a million words. Let's just say he was supposed to be in this cool new program at his school that would afford him great support in finishing school as well as help with day to day living, but apparently there was some outstanding paperwork that has now shifted him from 'IN' the program to being on a waiting list for the program. I was not, and still am not, happy about this. I told him I wanted to contact the Vice-Principal assigned to him, who gave him the news, and he said no way. I of course emailed her without telling him… J I have been on the School Council for three years, at this school, as well as the three years he was in junior high, and did a stint on the council in his elementary school - so ya I am going to question what is happening, and yeah I expect it to get fixed (yes I realize I sound like a total dick saying that, but I have done my time, they can afford to help me out with this). So I decided to send a nice email first, just asking what I can do to fix this, and cc'd it to the Principal, who I have been working with through the School council, and also to my son's school counsellor. (At writing this blog (Sunday Sept 23, I have still not heard back). There is now an issue with me being involved in my son's education, as he turned 18 on the 20 of September, so the school cannot communicate anything in relation to my son without his permission… So I am not sure if that has impacted the response to my email. There is a form students can sign to give the school such permission, but I am (at writing this) not sure if my son has done so. Anyway, I am very worried that without the support of that program he will lose hope, and drop out of school completely. It was a strange night for me, trying not to be weepy, or super sentimental over the fact that we would wake up in the morning, and my baby will have gone from child to adult - seemingly in the blink of an eye. Where has the time gone? An adult, it's just fricken unbelievable…

Thursday September 20/12 - HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY to my SON!!!

The day began like many with me taking my son to school, and me heading over to help my friend. Although this morning 1) my little boy is now a man, 2) my friend didn't get up until around 11:30am, and I was there from 9:30am… For my friend I compiled a list of potential options available for vehicles ie. Power windows, etc… and gave her a space to rate them to determine what she would like to see in her new vehicle should she purchase one in the near future - which she plans to do… Then I went and met my son at an LRT station close to where I was, and we went to the music store to pick up the present his sister had ordered him. He was very excited by the gift (a guitar peddle - I know nothing about it, so don't ask). This was the second time I have gone to pick up said peddle. The first time no one knew what I was talking about, so I left empty handed. This time thankfully worked out, it was questionable for a few minutes, but then someone found it. Prior to leaving my friend's house Dr N finally called me back - although I must tell you I did leave another message the day before, cause I am sorry but it shouldn't take two + days to call me back. Anyway, he was wondering if my son could come today (Sept 20) for his assessment re rTMS or Monday. I told him today was my son's birthday, but I bet he would like to get it done right away (I know I did). So I booked it for 3:30pm. Not the greatest thing to do on your birthday, but when I picked up my son he was happy I booked it because he wanted to hurry up the rTMS process. We went home for a bit, and then went to meet Dr N at his office. There was no one else there at 3:30pm, as the office was closed - I was thinking, hmm maybe Dr N would have preferred Monday… oh well. My son went in around 3:45pm (when Dr N, was able to finally get there - he got stuck in the crazy Calgary traffic), and they didn't come out until 6:20pm. I was like wow, Dr N is really committed to making this experience work. My son later said he was barely able to scratch the surface of all the things he needed/wanted to tell him (there will be time). When they came out Dr N said he would like to start treatment October 1, as he and his wife (the nurse/Dr that usually gives me my treatments) will be going out of town next week for a couple of days, and that he didn't want to disrupt the initial 20 day treatment regimen. (Which I agree should not be interrupted - don't let ANYONE tell you differently). But he said your son wants to start immediately, he doesn't feel comfortable in waiting another week. Dr N said he would have to talk to my pdoc (his partner) to see if there was something they could arrange, and he would call us later. So we left, and as we hit the elevator my sister called from Bermuda to wish my son a happy birthday (which was very nice) - but then my battery died… ugh Since it was so late, we decided to go straight to my son's birthday supper. I wanted to and therefore did take him to his first pub. It was called the Last Straw Ale House - in the suburb of Tuscany, just up the hill from us. It was nice we had, pub quality, steak sandwiches J… He had his first carding (had to show his ID) experience and here is a brief recap of said carding. Waitress, "How ya both doing, can I get you something to drink?" I reply, "Can I have a coke with lime?" My son speaks at the same time. She looks at my son, "Do you have any id?" I gush, "Awww." She looks at the id, "Oh it's your birthday, Happy Birthday." "And what did you say you wanted to drink", she asks. He replies, "A coke." She does a double take and laughs, we all laugh. I'm like, "Yep we're living on the edge." J Not sure if I mentioned this yet (anywhere, maybe I mention it later), anyway my son doesn't drink alcohol - he hasn't tried it and doesn't yet want to change that which I think is cool) I gave him his other birthday present, a new phone. He was over the moon excited, and started to recap how this was such a great week for him (that was such a nice break from the usual darkness that clouds our usual days). I felt bad I didn't get him a cake or anything (which he said he didn't care as he doesn't like cake, but I do - he really isn't a birthday kind of guy), so we headed off to Marble Slab in search of some ice cream instead, but alas it was very busy. He went and took a look at the available ice creams, and saw that his favorite (Red Velvet) was not available - so we said f@#$ it and left… (He literally said f%^& it, I did not). We got home and he went to work trying to set up his phone. However, my awesome friends at Rogers (they are not my friends) attached the phone and therefore the SIM card to my number not his - even though I told them more than once when I ordered the phone. Anyway, this great gift started to become a terrible pain. I spoke with Rogers they said we could go to a Rogers store and just buy a new SIM card ($10) and be done - so we decided we would go the next day to do so… He then set to cleaning 'his' basement area, and doing his laundry in preparation of a couple of friends coming over the next day - something he and I were both excited about… It is so awesome when he gets to do 'normal' young adult things like socialising.

Friday September 21/12 -

Before I continue, I must say I have been sitting here, Sunday Sept 23, writing this blog for the last 3 + hours - I really need to work on this over the week - not save it all to create on the one day. Hell I might not even finish this today… That said onward to Friday.

So Friday Sept 21/12 - I slept in, well sort of… I wanted to sleep in, cause I really and truly have been getting very little (even less then my usual, little) sleep, and with this feeling of almost being sick I just needed some rest/some time away from all of this stress. But that didn't quite work out, as I had left a message the night before Thursday night for Dr N, in return of his message that he left earlier Thursday evening (he called when my phone was still dead, so I didn't get his message until later Thursday night) - Anyway, the first call from his office was the receptionist trying to figure out the message I left. First I must tell you what Dr N said in his message, 'he spoke with my pdoc, and we could either start tomorrow (Friday Sept 21) or Monday Sept 24.' So when I called back I left the message Monday would be preferred, but if it would be more convenient for them we could wait until Oct 1 when they get back. (I said this, as I wasn't sure how much trouble they would have providing my son's treatments while they were away, and concern on my part for some sort of continuity of the treatments themselves - as each person gives the treatments just slightly different, and the nurse/dr that does my treatments is the most experienced - I declined the Friday Sept 21 start immediately, not because there was limited notice but because I don't believe there should be a break in treatments, especially a two day break right after the first treatment). So the receptionist had called to find out if I was saying wait until October 1, or start on Monday. I told the receptionist I just wasn't sure about them finding someone to fill in while Dr N and nurse/doc were away. She said she would call me back after she spoke with Dr N. About a half hour or so Dr N calls and says not a problem 'my pdoc' will fill in for them while they are gone (not sure about that he has the least experience in giving the treatments J). So I booked with him the time for Monday, when my son will have his head measured, his cap mapped, and his threshold taken and set. It is all very exciting, and for some reason a little scary - not sure why since there are no real concerns with the treatments. I guess just my usual have to worry about everything. I of course immediately forgot what time Dr N said as soon as I hung up the phone and called right back. I at least made the receptionist laugh at my expense J. All that done, I set to trying to catch up on some much needed sleep - why do I even bother, although I must admit that I was so exhausted that I actually fell back asleep for about another hour (it took probably a couple of hours to finally fall asleep, but still another hour is better than nothing). When my son finally got up we headed over to Rogers for a new SIM card - me not knowing Rogers was launching their iPhone 5's UGH… A line up and then another 20 minute wait while the guy entered the new card into the system - their system was sluggish under all the pressure of new activations, upgrades, etc. After all that my son still had to wait four hours or so for the system to switch over the card, something that would usually be instantaneous… I wasted the rest of the afternoon in the regular manner of my life, and my son had his guests over (like I said so awesome, I was worried they would cancel and he would be devastated - this has happened more than once). All went well until at around 10:30pm he asked if he could go sleep over at his friend's house. First I was stunned, then I was trying to figure out how his medication would work, then I was concerned he would get no sleep and ruin his birthday dinner scheduled for the next day, then I was like, "Dan don't be an idiot - stifle your issues and fears, he wants to go hang out with people - embrace it!"  So I did and off he went… I of course being Dan was freaked out, and was thinking I shouldn't take my sleeping meds in case he may need me. Then I said to myself, nope he is 18, you have to take a risk and let go - even if it's just a little. So I did. It wasn't the most restful night, but I did sleep a little…

Saturday September 22/12 -

Oh wait one more time - I think I am going into way too much detail. Perhaps that is why this is so wordy and taking so damn long. Ugh I am really not sure about the structure of this damn thing…

My gross tongue - see white lump, right under front tooth, am I going to die

Whatever back to Sat Sept 22/12 - Almost a slow start to the day then I got a text just before 10am asking if I was awake - it was my son. I replied, "Barely." He came back with, "good." The rest of the kids were leaving he wondered if I could pick him up. I asked him if the phrasing of the question meant there was the possibility of another mode of transport home, but he said no. So I threw on my jeans and a hoodie, donned a baseball cap to cover my unprepped hair and head off to pick him up. He had a great time - so awesome to hear! He was going to go back to bed when we got home, as he only got a couple of hours sleep - but then his buddies wanted him to join them in a coop game of the new game he just got. I on the other hand tried for some more sleep, again to no avail.  We then took off early to my son's 18th Birthday Casino Dinner - like I think I may have mentioned he doesn't drink, so I thought this was the next best thing for turning legal. We went early in anticipating a line up and worried (me only) that we would struggle getting a big enough table. Of course there were barely any people there (usually it's busy I swear)… So we sat down and waited for the guests. We ate and visited (although my sister and I missed out on a lot of the conversation, as we were on the end across from each other and both flanked by our sons - we had to listen to a lot of video game speak). Still it was fun… after filling our faces. We set to a little gambling. I quickly, and I really do mean quickly, lost $35. My nephew won around $130, and my son won about $30… Much better luck then I. Only I wasn't sure we were going to be able to get my son to stop, even if he had lost I think he was prepared to lose all his birthday money - not good. And pretty sure my nephew didn't want to leave. For both of them this was their first casino experience, hopefully we haven't created some long term addiction problems… (The only thing that sucked for me was the terrible panic attacks I keep getting in public - symptoms mentioned earlier in this post. And the fact how shitty I feel when the Dexedrine starts to wear off. I start to feel physically sick/crappy. And then I get this stupid pain and numbness in my left arm, and that starts the panic of the heart attack, and that just blossoms into a full on panic attack… etc, etc… That part really sucks, and it tried it's hardest to ruin my night but thankfully it couldn't.) I have also been experiencing a sore tongue for the past couple of days. I just figured it was a canker sore, and thought nothing of it - been feeling sick and stressed only makes sense I would get one. But last night before bed I took a look, and that's no damn canker, at least it doesn't look like one I have ever had. It's a white painful lump. I took a picture, and perhaps I could be gross and try and post it??? We will see how brave I am… Anyway, it hurts like a motherf$#%er! I am battling dry mouth too. It gets really bad a couple of hours after taking the Dexedrine - damn drugs!!!! I spent several hours last night Googling pictures of mouth sores, just trying to make sure it isn't like some scary mouth cancer or something - I was not successful in finding any pictures that match, not sure if that is a bad or good thing…?

Alberta Legislature Building

Sunday September 23/12 - Did not get out of bed very early, just couldn't seem to get up. I am just (I know I have said it a million times, but I just don't know how to express it so people can understand) so exhausted. I don't think I got to sleep until after 3am, and from 4am on I just kept waking up and dreaming and then waking up. I do have to say one of my dreams was so strange. I don’t remember what was happening, but there was something like a chart or picture (something on a wall) and it was giving me so much peace as I looked at it. I kept having this powerful and magical calm come over me, and I would wake up and try and hold on to that feeling and I would fall back to sleep and the dream would continue. It was a wild ride. I have never felt so relaxed, so unafraid, so calm. I would kill (not really) for some of that feeling in my life. The absence of fear was so empowering, in a good calming sort of way - not like I am not afraid to take over the world kind of way. Of course it didn't hang on, once the dreaming was over so was that feeling. So once up and having finished my toast and tea - and downing a fist of medication, I set to finishing my letters to the Alberta government - Premier, Health Minister, and my MLA. The letters were pretty much done - not sure why I never sent them, but I did add a little more about these past experiences over the past few months. Then I emailed them. Yes they have been sent. Now I will TRY and create some sort of form letter people could use if they are interested in contacting the Premier, Minister, and their MLA. No promises on when that will happen, but I am hoping sooner than later. Since January is fast approaching, which as I have mentioned is when I have to start paying for my treatments…? And the hope is of course that the Alberta government will add rTMS to the list of mental health treatments they already cover, like they do for ECT - which is way more expensive than rTMS. I guess we will just have to wait and see if they respond to my letters (I am doubtful at best).

Shit if rTMS makes you look like this I'm cool with being sad...
Kidding I have no idea what these people are doing?
 I don't have any of that crap on me during rTMS...

My son starts his rTMS treatments tomorrow (I also have an rTMS treatment tomorrow, except mine is at fricken 9am and my son's is at 1pm - I wish they could have tried to merge them - oh well…) I hope it goes well for him, and he has as much if not more success than I……

Talk to y'all next week…