Where has Dan been?????

WOW... I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post, of July 26, 2012.

I am sorry for my sudden disappearance, from daily blogging, but July 27, 2012 had to be one of the saddest days of my life.

July 26 seemed like any other day, as I posted - nothing extraordinary, feeling ok, no suicidal ideation. rTMS working its magic, not perfect but holding my own... I awoke July 27th with the plan to help my friend, as I had been doing twice a week since her husband's passing. It actually ended up being a long day there, I didn't leave her house till around 7:30pm. Little did I know that my world, as I had known it, would suddenly stop and crumble in front of my very eyes.

Someone close to me tried to take their life that day. 

As the person that found him I had to take him to the hospital. Upon our arrival they rushed him in. They took copious amounts of blood, performed numerous tests, and pumped him full of fluids. Their first concern with the drugs he had taken was whether the level in his system was toxic enough for them to put him on dialysis. After consultation with Poison Control, they decided although his levels were at the high end of toxicity, they wanted to try flushing his system first. If that didn't work then they would resort to dialysis.

We had arrived at the hospital between 8 and 8:30pm and they didn't moved us to a ward until around 4:30am, once the levels in his blood started to fall slightly - and they figured he would not require dialysis.

After others arrived, around 9 or 10am Saturday morning, I went home for a quick shower. I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally, I had no right to be driving... but I made it there and back without incident. Nothing had changed by the time I returned. That night (July 28th) someone else stayed with him, and I finally got some sleep after being up for 38 hours.

He, like me, has Bipolar II. He, like me, has a sadness that encompasses every part of you - and makes everything in the past, present, and future seem like a vast emptiness comprised only of bad - no good, no happy times, no positive moments... The feeling is real, but it is not representative of reality. But when you have this disease, there is no way to understand that when you are lost in the darkness....

Thanks to one of the Psychologists at the hospital that he was working with I am reading a book called "Feeling Good" by Dr David Burns. It is a self-help guide to CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), and has been very enlightening and helpful. I highly recommend it to everyone - healthy and non-healthy... It's an easy read, and so worth the effort.

While at the hospital, the Psychiatrists there, as well as his own Psychiatrist are thinking he has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and after their explanation as to why, I was intrigued and looked into the symptoms of Adult ADHD. I discovered that I too may have it. It is very common for people with Bipolar to have ADHD - and it would answer why I am having all these issues with motivation, anxiety, concentration, and memory problems - even though we have been able to control my depression. Those symptoms were thought to be caused by my depression, yet they remain. My pdoc and I have discussed this, and on Sept 17 we are sitting down to talk about experimenting with some ADHD medications. I am so hoping they work to alleviate those symptoms, and allow me to enjoy not being depressed... J

Well this whole experience was a great test of my rTMS treatments - which pretty much held me together. I felt great sadness at the situation, but wasn't disabled with depression. The sadness lessened, but the pain and fear are still with me. I only hope he can get through this, and finds happiness, love, and the ability to move forward to a positive place. I want the best for him, I want him to feel love, to have fun, and to experience some normalcy. He was finally discharged on August 30.

 I am hoping to continue my blog, but now on a weekly basis - probably posting each Sunday... Thank you for reading, thank you for waiting, thank you for your support, and thank you for spreading the word that "mental illness" is not something to fear or be ashamed of, but is something we all need to discuss, share, and learn about.... 

Talk to y'all next week...