What a week... not really that exciting.

Sorry this blog is a day late, and a dollar short...

I started the week off doing the school drop off, and then heading over to help my friend. It was a hard day at her house, as we were packing up her deceased husbands clothes. I ended that Monday with a family meeting with my son's pdoc. I brought up the possibility of rTMS for him. His pdoc did not seem too thrilled - she was concerned, as she is not at all familiar with the treatment. I took some literature for her, and she said she would investigate the procedure, but we didn't have to wait for her. I just really want her on board, because of the great relationship she and my son have, but I also want him to get help sooner than later. There isn't a lot of research in relation to youth and rTMS - but I did find some, so like I said I did print off some for her, as well as a link to some more.

Tuesday (I must say I am not sure how I want to structure this weekly blog, daily breakdown or just random or hmm I have no idea - for now I guess I will do daily breakdown)

Anyway, Tuesday I got another rTMS treatment and had a chat with my pdoc's partner, as my pdoc was out of town. I need a shorter name for 'my pdoc's partner', let's call him Dr N... So Dr N and I discussed my son getting rTMS and his pdocs concerns due to her lack of knowledge regarding rTMS. Dr N would be the one looking after my son during the rTMS treatments (as my pdoc can't/won't see him as I am already his patient)... So Dr N said he would speak to my son's pdoc, and give her some insight into rTMS. Following that conversation my son's pdoc called me and assured me that she didn't want to get in the way of the treatments, just because she needs time to research it, it was our decision to proceed or not. I thanked her, and decided we will go ahead with the treatments. I would discuss it with Dr N at my next rTMS... Dr N and I also did discuss the dosage of my Dexedrine. He said he usually prescribes 20mg in the morning and then 10mg in the afternoon. So I set to increase the dosage the next morning. He was also surprised that Dexedrine made me so tired when I first started it. He said perhaps after I give Dexedrine a good try that I should perhaps try Ritalin. After we spoke for a while he was then wondering if I am so over stressed that my brain is already being saturated with Dopamine and Norepinephrone (I think that second one is right??) and that the Dexedrine is increasing that saturation and may be the cause of the extreme drowsy reaction. It doesn't matter why, I am just F$@#ing TIRED!!! And yeah a little STRESSED! I am going to see my pdoc on Monday to discuss my Dexedrine dosage (ok at writing this I already saw my pdoc today, but I'll tell you about that next week - J)

Wednesday was a sucky day... I went to bed late Tuesday night, and my son was freaked out about school and getting more depressed the more anxious he got... In the morning I woke up feeling sick (shaky, sore throat, chills, just crappy)... I had no energy or desire to fight with my son to go to school - so I told him to either bus it or stay home and make sure he goes the rest of the week without fighting (really at that moment I didn't care about anything but sleep) - I got up took Zopiclone and a Sublinox and went back to bed... I sadly only slept for a couple of hours, even with all those drugs... UGH I got up had some food and other meds (Dexedrine) then basically laid in bed the rest of the day. I took a shit load of Echinacea, and tried to get to bed early...

Thursday I did the school drop off thing again, and then went to my friends again to help her. I took her on some errands, and did a few other things. I also put together a spread sheet of crossovers/SUVs, as she is thinking of purchasing a new vehicle. I just wanted to give her some basic info (size, price), so she can get an idea of what is out there similar to what she had... She is only interested in domestics at this point, which there are still a crap load to choose from. Then I picked up my son's new ADHD medication, his pdoc put him on Vyvanse as a trial, and went home.

Friday - almost a completely wasted day - I again felt like shit. This wanna be cold keeps trying to take hold, and I keep trying to fight it with Echinacea and vitamin C, but I haven't been able to sleep - worse than usual... I fought with myself - should I get up anyway and do the things I was supposed to do - some of them (the continued battle about school) or f#$@ the whole thing - I said F$%& it! I turned off my cell phone popped some more sleeping meds and went back to bed (OK the more I write this down I see that I sound like a sleeping pill addict, but I really cannot sleep without them - I have tried and have gone days without sleep, I just lay there. It is a terrible experience - especially after day 3...) Saying screw everyone sucked though, as I was filled with guilt and remorse for not doing what I was supposed to, but I was so fricking tired. I finally passed out for few hours. I then tied up the loose ends I created, and went and did an errand for my friend - relieving some of the guilt... (Guilt something I really need to work on through CBT.) The rest of the night was wasted - just watched Netflix and laid in bed. I did make supper, but nothing else. The Dexedrine (increased from 10mg to 20mg in the AM, and 10mg in the afternoon) makes me feel different, but I am still waiting for the increased concentration, motivation, and memory - but not seeing that yet - feeling weird, but not sure if that is the cold fighting to take over or the drugs. It makes me tired, but my sleep is worse; it makes me calm, but I still have some major anxiety attacks; I have not seen increased productivity, except in the beginning when I was able to leap out of bed without any hesitation (far from normal for me - but sadly didn't last); another day I suddenly started writing a new scene for my zombie script. I just sat there and wrote 9 pages. I don't know for how many hours, but I just sat there and the story poured out; memory still sucks, zero to limited short term memory - I can't even tell you what the scene was about, but I am sure it was damn good J I have also found that sometimes words escape me when I am writing and speaking. I ended the day begging for sleep...

Saturday - Still got little sleep Friday night, so still exhausted Saturday morning, not sure what time I finally crawled out of bed, but I was still feeling shitty and not at all motivated. That night was my niece's 30th birthday party. My son and I actually went. The party was very nice. It was so good to see the family.  The food looked amazing; I didn't eat anything as Dexedrine makes me very nauseous and not at all hungry... I didn't do a lot of visiting either, as I was feeling very anxious. I actually had several panic attacks, they really do suck. Again feeling strange, but not knowing if it's the cold or the pills... I was also trying to make sure my son was ok... I just don't seem to be able to turn it off, whatever it is - my mind, my worry, my... Anyway he was fine, I was not... J But it was nice to do something 'normal', just wish I could feel more 'normal' while doing it.

Sunday - I went with my friend, and a couple of her friends, to a tree planting ceremony in honour of her deceased husband.  I guess the funeral home does this annually, combining all of the people that passed away this year (well those that used their services obviously). Still it was a big production, loads of people, a grove of trees. They hold it over the entire weekend, on a rotating basis; able to process a lot of people, at each families own discretion on when they want to participate. It was some kind of event. It was near Sikome Lake. We had to drive in to the far back parking lot, then board a shuttle bus to a tent where we watched a presentation (including video and speech). This was followed by a short walk to a golf cart. The golf cart then takes you on a long drive along a bike path, to a drop off point still 300 to 400 more feet to the grove of newly planted trees. None of the journey was conducive to the elderly or the handicapped - not sure why they were not more prepared for such things. But it kind of worked out - the golf cart ride was fricken scary. I was on the back precariously holding a large walker, and the driver was hauling ass... I went home after and we took our dog to the vet (an appointment, not an emergency). He got some blood work, vaccines, nails clipped, and a check up. The dog was fine, my wallet not so much.

Well that was my week... Not exciting, hell not even slightly interesting, but it's all I got. The rTMS is still holding my mood, no 'real' suicidal thoughts - far from perfect, but I can't imagine what shape I would be in if I wasn't getting the treatment. I am very thankful for it, for sure... I am pretty sure it is safe to say I would be dead without it... I really need to get off my ass and get those government letters done!

Talk to y'all next week...