‘Tis the Season for Increased Depression Fa la la la la, la la la la…

Wow time flies when you’re having “fun” – There is snow on the ground (not sure for how much longer, yay Chinooks), the air is crisp…ish, and everywhere you go some marketer is ramming the “holidays” down your throat.

What does all this wondrous time have to do with the evil darkness of depression? Well kids… stress – strain – fear – money – family – preparation – and all that is what “healthy” people go through – NOW -let’s take all of those throw them into a blender, mix on high for 5 minutes; now pour the mess into a pan, put said pan on the stove and crank the heat; now add a little anguish, a pinch of terror, and a drop or two of tears, and let boil for 20 minutes…

What you have there is the “unhealthy” person’s perceptions of themselves and the festivities. “Healthy” person singing along to Christmas Music, while decorating the tree; “Unhealthy” person hiding in a darkened room, tears rolling down their cheek; “Healthy” person enjoying the hustle and bustle of Christmas Dinner, with friends and family; “Unhealthy” person taking moments to escape the festivities to cry. If you could read their mind you would be crushed by the self loathing, the pain and the pure sorrow. So awful that, perhaps only in that moment, they want to die - I know this as I have been there.

I wish I could give people a glance into my head (ha, ha, ha – please insert “empty” jokes here, and then stop J) since I can’t I try and explain it to them, but I am unable to find the words – it’s just chaos…  

Anyway, back to the holidays: if you know someone suffering from mental illness, check up on them – see how they are doing, and ask if they need any help. They will be going through their own personal hell; some due to the lack of money, some the lack of people in their lives, some just need the ear of a friend to help ease the pain, some will be lost (let’s keep that number down). Obviously some will be resistant to accept the help, but maybe your act of kindness will be enough to give them a little hope.

Happy Pre Pre Pre Holidays

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Your Silence Equates to Death – Share Everything

It’s been, what feels like an eternity, since I have posted on here – and I feel bad about that. I miss writing about my feelings, my world, but my ADHD is preventing me from doing anything. I don’t hear you when you talk to me, I don’t comprehend what I read, and my memory has been decimated. I have NO motivation.

Thanks to all of the above, I feel like I have lost my voice. I feel so alone. I feel it unsafe to share my feelings

with those around me. I feel they (maybe not all) are done listening to me – even the one person whose support used to be unwavering. Weirdly my depression and mania are under control. Incredible news thanks to Zeldox (100mg) at bed, and rTMS every two weeks (remember my frequent rTMS maintenance treatments are highly unusual, normal treatment protocol is 4 weeks, then the occasional maintenance treatments (very infrequent maybe once a month or 2 months, even 6 months to never needed again)). There have been very few side effects (I should say zero side effects, but I don’t want to jinx it.) Zeldox has helped so much; it prolongs the positive effects of the rTMS, so much so that I anticipate I will be able to spread out the rTMS treatments to perhaps once every three weeks to four and so on. If you get a chance to use Zeldox and/or rTMS do so, just ask your doc/pdoc.

I decided that I needed to post again for the following two reasons, oops three, heck maybe even four: 1) I missed doing it; 2)I am in a very strange place, controlled depression yet still quite suicidal – perhaps that will never go away; 3) I am filled with so much RAGE, I can barely contain it (I am not usually an angry person – tears I can somewhat handle thanks to all these years of practice, but utter hatred is new to me); 4)OK maybe just three - J

1) This one is easy as I already said why – I miss you people! I miss the opportunity to hopefully help, even just one person, by sharing my story. The weird, but awesome, feeling that someone maybe listening...

2) Having control (not complete, but way more than I have ever had) of my depression and mania has left me with two things; a)my ADHD is out of control and b)I get to suffer with what you would call normal emotions – joy (well not yet), anger, excitement, etc. These are unfamiliar to me, as messed up as it sounds, I am NOT used to feeling them and I find them very difficult to maneuver through... Yet with the potential positives in controlling the depression, I am still plagued with suicidal thoughts. I have a little more control over them thanks to the lack of depression, but it is always on my mind; the place, the when, the how...but not the intent. It’s such weird feeling.

3) As mentioned above I am not used to managing anger. Sure I have been angry, but it always faded to

tears, isolation, and self deprecating thoughts always ending with blaming myself. I also participated in some anger when manic, but then I would crash and anger turned to sadness and self blame. I have never had this frustration with the lack of tools for dealing with this. I am seething as I write this, my hands trembling making it very difficult to type. This weird feeling is making my stomach hurt, my muscles stiff and an incredible feeling that I have no control over any of it. The blackness inside me just continues to grow. Some people have given me some great ideas on Facebook, but I lack the motivation to try them (thank you ADHD). I feel like I want to say so much more, but I just can’t find the words!

4) Nothing... J

 [*note I apologize for all the typos and terrible grammar, I just needed to post and make it happen – not pretty but done...]

I kind of want to share a dumb poem I am working on, but it’s not done – it needs a lot of editing and such... Perhaps one of you could help me with it? Don't be too cruel, but please do be honest (I can take it - pretty much)... Here goes nothing..............

“Messed Up”

By Dan Routly

Truth is spoken only by politicians;

Lies are told by the children of our future.

Confined to the black hole called life;

We only hear fragments of their voices.

They scream past us;

Shattering the silence into a million pieces.

The puzzle so simple;

The picture they form is white.

Awaken hearts flutter like the wings of butterflies;

Tempted by the glowing light, the sizzle signaling their demise.

Death explodes our minds;

It’s not for debate, no time can be bought.

Those who can control their lives do so at the cost of love;

Not theirs, but those pathetic souls lining up for their execution.

Treasures are found in the hearts of our enemies;

Battles lost and won become empty.

There is no present to waste;

But waste is all we know...

Well like I said above I missed you all!!!  J

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Is This Really worth It????

I’m not talking about life this time J I’m questioning whether this blog has any real purpose or point? I mean it started with me wanting to share my experience with rTMS, but then it morphed into this crazy train wreck.... My messed up life delivered to the masses.

Does anyone even read it? - and if they do, is it really something I want them to know? The reality is that no one, or at least only a small portion of the populace, has viewed it. I have had almost 20,000 views, but judging by my last post most of those views were perhaps in the beginning – and probably by accident. It’s amazing how many countries have happened upon it, but... Don’t get me wrong, I like expressing myself, I like to demonstrate that it’s OK to talk about mental illness, I hope it helps people to know they’re not alone, and that there are loads of options for help... Anyway, off topic, well not really off topic, so much as...

So any whoooooo... an answer to the above conundrum is not any easy one_____

I have been feeling kind of OK (knock on wood)...sure I still want to kill myself, but I’m a little less depressed – I blame rTMS and drugs – I have been getting rTMS treatments every two weeks, and that seems to be working that and Zeldox. I am not sure if I have already mentioned Zeldox, and if I have I apologise for the duplication – but it’s something that warrants repeating. You should check with your pdoc, it really seems to help balance my mood. My pdoc might be a dick sometimes, but he’s a smart one.....

I have a family member dealing with some major health issues (both mental and more relevant physical) – I’m not a religious man, but I’m still praying for him___ perhaps if you can give him a little shout out to the deity of your faith, it may help in some positive way.  

I started a creative writing class on Wednesday, October 2. It was kinda boring, but hopefully it will get more exciting as we go – and of course the only people asking questions, the same questions over and over again, were people that ummm were kind of ummm)...I decided upon entering the room that I wouldn’t be me – Instead I was confidant and outgoing. I made jokes. I chatted up some pretty ladies. I was kinda awesome. My son, after hearing my tale, figured I was “manic” or at least “mixed”. J But I wasn’t – I was just excited. In the class I even volunteered to be the first person to introduce themselves – Whaaaat???? I know right... After I told them that I used to work in the film industry, and that I have been writing (or attempting to write) scripts and that two were optioned - the teacher kept looking at me every time she made a point and on occasion asked me for my affirmation with whatever lesson she was trying to instruct. Let’s just say my meager writing accomplishments were more impressive then hers (those who can’t, teach) kidding no offence teachers you all rock in my world – except the mean ones. She does have a degree and such, so.... she wins! It’s only one night a week for the next 8 weeks (2.5 hours long, ugh). J It was nice to be out with people enjoying the same pastime. It made me actually want to go to University, not back to the University of Athabasca, but to a physical school with real live people... It just felt so good... and so many HOT girls!

I guess that’s all I have – I’ll ponder the merits of keeping this blog going over the next couple of weeks – either way there will be at least one more post.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

I Am, Therefore I Shall Die

We should all remember that we cannot live in the past, and all the trying in the world will not let us see into our future - what remains is the present.

Living in the future causes frustration, depression, anxiety and cement shoes. Dwelling on ones future love, future sorrow, and of course the worst of these tortures ones demise, leaves us empty and stalled.

Living in the past only holds you back, as you fret about what could have been. Your regrets and pain take over. This doesn’t mean that you cannot reflect on your past, it just means don't live there.

The present is a time that we can change, that we control. A time where we don't have to dream just do, just be. Smell that flower. Feel the soft caress of a cool summer breeze. Sit on the couch cuddling your puppy or your kitty. Perhaps it’s feeling the sun’s soothing warmth on your skin. It’s whatever you decide for your present, your now.

I was hoping to keep this post on the light side, but damn I feel weird...I’m depressed, as usual – but this past couple of months also have me seething.  I have so much anger and frustration, and feelings of strangeness in me. I’m just not sure what to call it. I feel like, hmmm, like I’m not me. That sounds nuts, but I will try and explain some of the $hit I have been feeling.

Lately I have been having numbness in my arms, and my face a lot of which happens with my lips and cheeks. I feel lost, and helpless, and hopeless.  I’m not present. I am not sure if it’s the ADHD, or some brain malfunction...but my memory is almost none existent. I have lost my vocabulary. I am slower than ever. In my mind I think one thing, but when it reaches my lips it’s all wrong. I am terrified.

I am not one to be angry. I would feel it on occasion like everyone, but it was always concealed and controlled. Now the anger is intense. I feel strained trying to keep it in check. I want to scream, to cause injury, to enact some sort of revenge. I am not big on conflict, but I feel like one more thing is just going to cause me to explode. I’m not worried about anyone’s safety. I am not a violent man, and that will remain. So what is a guy to do? I just don’t think I can take anymore $hit. I have been dumped on, ridiculed, belittled, cheated, made to feel tiny, to not feel worthy, disrespected, used, worthless... I am surrounded by this, and tormented daily. It’s a form of bullying, guised in “help” and their imposed desire to “fix me” or “make me better”.

What the he!! am I supposed to do? Some of it happens in a place that helps me squeak by in life, the other happens close to my heart. Either, moreover, or... I am almost trapped in this vicious game.

I want to get rid of this evil blackness growing inside me. I am so used to being in the blackness of depression, but so unprepared for this. I keep hoping it’s a drug reaction, stop a pill and I will go back to normal (whatever that is)...why would someone become so isolated with so many loving people around. Hmmm, that is what I hear sufferers of bullying say. It’s so lonely. I’m so lonely. I can be in a room full of people, but not be present – my mind racing from one thought to the next, all of which are debilitating conversations with myself. Just me and me in my head belittling me, accusing me, telling me to shut up, to smile, to answer, to laugh – whatever reaction that suits that conversation or moment.

The idiot in my head is so cruel. He has no name, but he calls me plenty. He prevents me from being me. I have become so resentful, easily hurt, and easily angered. I have lost ALL abilities to forgive, to forget. I stew in this broth of hatred. I don’t know this me, but he is ever present and controlling and ruining my already $hity life.

This seems so crazy. I am so used to depression, mania, utter despair, fear - but I cannot deal with these feelings, they are so foreign to me. I can’t even deal with these feelings of such helplessness that I am extremely suicidal...suicidal...I have been suicidal for most of my life, but this feels so abnormal. I look forward to bed. When I can pop some pills and disappear for at least a while. Hmm, what a fuking loser.

I keep wanting to escape, to hide from EVERYTHING, but that isn’t how life works – fight or die... I realise

most people just get up and dust themselves off and move on – I am not a “normal” person. I am completely fuked in the head. The Bipolar, the Anxiety Disorder, the ADHD, and all the other diagnoses that I keep forgetting – I am FAR from normal. I only hope to one day embrace that and LIVE. I know that will never happen. My life is $hit, and sooner rather than later I will die. I have no future – I am 44...I have no career...I am single...I am ugly...I am fat...I am stupid...and I have NOTHING. I am basically just wasting everybody’s oxygen.

Sorry for the lack of lightness...I just needed to share. Share or explode. I am sadly not feeling any solace from spewing this stupid stuff...this ignorant me...this horrible waste of skin called Dan.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

One Day Late – Shocking

The death of one’s spirit forces them to approach the cliff with less wonder and more determination.

I can’t really smell the flowers anymore; The sun has somewhat dulled; The glimmer of the stars have faded into the blackness that once accented their brilliance; My heart is heavier; My eyes sore and red from the ever present tears; My soul is dying...

Compassion kills – That is what should be on the packaging of life, a big heart with skull and crossbones, like the old-school poison symbol on bottles. I am tired to death of caring what people think about me or what I say or how I say it or don’t say it. Always worried that I will hurt their feelings; how they think about me...

I am exhausted and crushed by how small I have become. How tiny my world is. How little I matter to me and this planet. I have tried – tried to talk to people, and I either feel stupid for what I have said or how I don’t matter or how wrong I am or how worthless I am. Is it my perception or true – does it matter – does it make it any easier – nope.

I guess the question is: How much longer can I fake a smile or laugh at a joke or answer, “I’m good, thank you” – I am the joke...

I ask myself every day, multiple times, “How much longer?” A day, a week, a month – I can’t think beyond a month. If I was a betting man (which I am not – except when I am at the horse races or the casino J) I would bet on number 5 to place or all on black... The professionals call Bipolar Disorder a “life-threatening” illness, something that I haven’t really mulled over too much. I mean sure I thought, hmmm...when I first heard it, and probably had that same reaction the second, third and so on and so forth – but this past several weeks I have really thought about it and how it relates to me – I guess for me, today, it’s like a doctor telling you have 5 months to live. You’re in shock, then tears, then anger, then acceptance – I am almost at acceptance... Does that mean you should embrace it and make every moment count, say your goodbyes and welcome the soothing comfort in the love that surrounds you...Or do you, like I plan, shut yourself off from everyone, become silent and fade into the background; until you're forgotten... Death frightens us all, whether staring it in the face or to know its around the corner – no matter the mask, the tale, the story or the context in which it was forged – it’s everywhere and affects everyone differently. I am afraid of it (the act of it) not the result, but I am more afraid of living...

I have, through all of this, decided to sign up for an 8 week Creative Writing course at Mount Royal University. I will also be completing the “Land Administration Certificate Program” at SAIT. Two positive things invading my life for the next little bit, something to help tether me to this world.

Several days ago I decided it was time to start looking for opportunities to socialize that perhaps I was ready to look at dating, but then I remembered how ugly I am, how stupid I am, how fucked in the head I am – so that came crashing down and brought me back to reality...

So back to plan “A” twice removed; hide, keep your head down, talk to no one, and if you have to, just

smile and ask them what they think about the question they asked – don’t offer your opinion, keep ideas close to your chest, show no one – just converse in your head or when alone talk to yourself. Let your brain die as fast as your soul. Climb into the bubble and remain there until your death, and hope it is a swift one.

BP is a tar pit formed by fake fears, misunderstandings, medical issues, outside stressors, inside stressors, cruelty, anger, selfishness, ignorance, doubt. It is real - for those that think it’s not feel free to ask the doc if you can try my brain out when I’m gone – for most it will be an upgrade. J

I was hoping this post would be a little lighter, but I just started writing and this all came pouring out.

I will end this post with a little poem I first saw while working at the Olympics in 1988 and just recently found again, by accident, while on that there internet:

When I awoke one morning

When all sweet things are born

A robin perched upon my sill

To signal the coming morn.

The bird was young, fragile and gay

And sweetly did it sing

Thoughts of happiness and joy

Into my heart did bring.

I smiled softly at the cheering song

Then as it paused a moments lull

I gently closed the window

And crushed its' fucking skull.

Forge on – one must do, should they want a better life, or just jump off the ride while it’s moving quickly enough to ensure....  

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

A poet I am not, nor sculptor, nor painter, nor writer too – I am what I am, how about you???

Hey folks I wanted to add to the title above “though I may not have the talent to achieve success in these arts, I promise you I have the angst...  :/ ” but it be too darn long for a title J

Like I mentioned in my last post I was hoping to blog a little more often (I will say sorry here to those that accidentally happen to see my blog – run now before you are dragged into my strangeness). This post will be a lot shorter than the last, but like the last it will be terrible...

It all started... no I am not prepared, nor cruel enough to tell you my whole life story although it is an amazing action packed, always colourful tale (not really any of that). J

I was at a session with pdoc (Dr N) who works in my pdocs office, as my pdoc (Dr M) was on holidays, so Dr N was nice enough to see me. The session was prompted due to my startling Dr N2 (his wife who administers the rTMS treatments) during my rTMS treatment. I was in a bad place, and she could read the

anguish I was feeling just by looking at my face. She started asking me questions to try and pry the truth out of me. My eyes started to tear up, a teardrop slowly slid down my cheek. There is no actor alive or dead that could mimic my pain, or my silent sorrow. My emotions were on the edge of overflowing the dam that I built to protect me from losing control, from crying. In that moment she asked me, after several questions, “Are you safe?” I of course answered, “Yes”, my stock answer for that question. She asked me some more questions, and my eyes welled up, but I could not afford to bare the sadness in my heart. The next question, the next question, the next question – then again she poses, “Are you safe?” I wanted to say yes, but instead I told her of the two, now one, thing tethering me to this body, this torture people call life... as I started to tell her that one thing, that one life hurdle that I need to make sure my son achieves and then I was done. The tears started to flow and Dr N2 said, “What about living for you?” I replied, “I don’t matter” (damn the tear drops are slowly trickling down my cheek as I am writing this). This statement made her cry, which prompted me to lose control and for a short moment the torment of the emotional isolation I created

burst through that proverbial dam. I had to fight as hard as I could to seal it back up, to re-establish the facade necessary to keep going until my goal has been completed. Hence the chat with Dr N. After I told him more than I wanted, he told me I needed to take a break from life. He suggested I take a weekend, or however long I needed, to get away from the two main stressors plaguing me, just me – just turn off the stress just for even a moment, to allow me to recharge. That I need to remember to do something for Dan, and to remember I have a disorder and that it is OK to be a little less sensitive to the people around me, and be a little narcissistic (to a healthy level). It made me smile a little, but inside I realized I never could – soft and cuddly I am.... just ripe for the abusing.

Sorry. I realize I told you this post would be shorter than the last, but I guess I had more to say then I first thought.

Anyway... How’s it going folks? I personally feel a touch better after 4 rTMS treatments (July 24 and 25 and August 6 and 8). I personally, and sadly, think I need to do the 5 in a row to get the depression back to J) a survivable level. I just hate to ask them to donate that amount of time, especially considering how generous they have been (a perfect example of my over-sensitivity and care for other people, and my lack of care or concern for me). I guess I would rather die than inconvenience or burden someone else. Damn expensive treatment...damn healthcare system and your disappointing approach to saving lives – Which costs more: people taking millions of drugs (suffering the side effects); numerous hospital stays; the lives ended because they are not worth saving; preventing the ill the opportunity to get back into the workforce helping to generate an increase in funds for the individual and society, allowing them to be free of the tiny stipend provided them through government services and to feel human, a part of the “normal” world; OR rTMS treatments for one month with some follow up sessions (if you didn’t figure it out the first stuff is more expensive J)

Universal healthcare is as real as unicorns and honest politicians. I found this interesting White Paper

authored by the Western University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation: Titled, “Measuring What Matters: The Cost vs. Values of Health Care”. Provided here is a quote: “Canadians’ values reflect the desire for a more “personalized” health care system, one that engages every individual patient in a collaborative partnership with health providers, to make decisions that support health, wellness, and quality of life. Yet, health systems are focused on performance management in terms of costs, operational inputs, such as services delivered, or quality measures such as medication errors, readmissions to hospital, and mortality rates. Health system effectiveness is not evaluated in terms of delivering value to Canadians.” I highly suggest you check it out. Western University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation White Paper 2012

On a lighter note: my WiFi stopped working. On an even lighter note helium...

That brings us to the end of the program, which is when I like to sing my lovely closing theme, “I'm so glad we had this time together, Just to have a laugh, or sing a song.” Oh wait that’s not mine. “I'll be back, when the day is new, and I'll have more ideas for you, And you'll have things you'll want to talk about. I will too.” Damn that’s not mine either... Well apparently I need a theme song (opening and closing) hmmm...

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Well look who is back!!!! Stand up and Cheer! (but only if you can read while standing)

A little hint it’s not Shady, and it's not the Backstreet Boys – it’s way more wonderful than that – It’s ME!

A four month hiatus isn't unheard of, like many similar forms of amazing entertainment of epic proportions

like maybe the occasional television program (for those of you that may be of a certain youthful maturity – the TV is that box that your game system is hooked up to, not to be confused with the other cord that is plugged into the surprised face on top of the other surprised face in the wall (those of you not from North America may not get that super awesome jokeJ). Beware of those surprised faces, because they are “shocked” for a reason ;) they are used to tap into such incredible power (not the kind used for world domination)... Anyway, what the hell was I talking about? Right the TV or TV programming – I am a little off topic, the TV is the tool by which I partake in observing Netflix (maybe since I mentioned them I can write off my subscription?)... So the point of this drivel and yes there is a point... OK fine there is no point...

I have been extremely busy – I think – I’m not really sure, as I am sure I have mentioned I cannot even remember what just happened, let alone 4 months ago J Basically I lived... I continued day after day, woke up, went through the required rituals of everyday life – making my way on autopilot, until it was time for bed. The next morning I would rise and do it all over again – basically on a loop... don’t get me wrong it’s not a terrible life, times have been worse (definitely worse), and perhaps if I borrowed someone else’s “healthy” brain I would be able to see all of the amazing things I have, the amazing people in my life, and the amazing opportunities I have been given – BUT if I am to do that, to observe life differently, then I need to be able to do it without Bipolar Disorder. It’s easy for people to judge when they haven’t had to walk in my shoes, to view the world with my messed up brain...with my doom and gloom thinking...my minute by minute thoughts of suicide...my sadness and tears (present even at times that should be joyous and celebratory) – when they do that, then and only then can they judge me (even then I may still tell them to fu%k off J)

Meanwhile back at the ranch – It’s time to talk drugs and other BP/Depression/Anxiety/ADHD methods to

amaze and often induce suffering...so pull up your chair, settle in by the fire and let the stories unfold..... I am currently taking Gabapentin for my anxiety. I have only been on it for about 6 weeks. My dose at the present time is 600mg. We are looking at increasing it every two weeks until I reach a therapeutic dose or until I hit 900mg, which is where we will stop the medication if there are no benefits. I have only been on my present dose for two weeks, and have already noticed a slight improvement. I have always been scared in movie theatres (not of the dark or a horror flick) it was the feeling I had to, during the whole movie, make sure I didn’t move or change my position of sitting very low in my seat as not to disturb the people behind me – the whole flipping movie, ruining the moment of escape into the story brightly projected before me... The other day we went to a movie (I was probably on 500mg of Gabapentin) and I didn’t give a shit about the other people. I actually enjoyed the movie in a comfortable position... Another torturous example of my anxiety is feeling like everybody is watching me. No matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, it feels like everyone is staring at me and judging me – I will be at a restaurant/play/movie/shopping/walking through a crowd of people, and I feel like all eyes are on me, even though the people are obviously watching whatever the event is or each other. Like when I am at the grocery store, whether it’s putting the groceries on the cashiers counter, or processing and bagging at the self checkout – I always think the people behind

me are judging me, and therefore I must go faster and I start to shake and drop things and sweat and get the whole shortness of breath etc, etc – it’s kind of like high school meets George Orwell’s big brother. It has always been a terrifying and debilitating thing – fears that I have been living with all my dang life – fears I just wrote off as “normal” thoughts (the list of things that cause me anxiety is far too long to write them here) – but some I don’t/didn’t realize they are/were so destructive and have/had handicapped my life... Well, I won’t say it’s perfect with the 600mgs of Gabapentin, but it sure is a bit better. The other day I was in Coop getting some groceries. When I finished shopping I took my items to the self checkout and I didn’t give two craps about the people behind me. I just did my thing – truly amazing, I just hope it gets better – maybe at 900mg I will go take a short plane trip and see if I can face one of my biggest fears head on (fear wise it’s just a little worse than spiders, not a lot but a little) and kick it in the balls. Perhaps I will get to skip the shaking, the multiple panic attacks, the drenching sweat, the crying and stop the overwhelming desire to make them immediately land the damn plane... Here’s hoping!!!!  Oh I hear you “healthy” people saying/thinking “Well I have stress in my life.” and “I am scared of things too.” – blah, blah, blah – again I would gladly swap my genius but chemically fu$ked up brain, for your less genius but chemically “normal” brain – then after you have enjoyed seeing things through my less then rosie glasses, once again: then and only then can you judge me...

 More drug talk: I mentioned in my last post (a long time ago) that I was prescribed Nabilone. I am not sure

what the dose was at that time, but currently I am taking 2mgs and it is amazing shit. Thanks to them and numerous sleeping meds (note I was able to cut down on the Zopiclone) – anyway I fall asleep in under an hour and when I do I literally don’t dream, nothing, I just sleep...but as soon as the Nabilone wears off, about 5 to 6 hours later, I always wake up but groggy, so I lay there and go in and out of sleep, and as soon as I do I immediately start dreaming, wake up, dream, wake up, dream and they are the usual vivid hi-def full color dreams. So I am hoping the manufacturer creates a slow release pill... one bad thing about this drug, if I don’t let the drugs take me to happy sleepyland and I fight it to watch the rest of a movie on Netflix or checking my email etc then I eat and eat and eat (most of which I don’t remember doing). I even cook and cut things in my sleep, only discovering my deeds the next morning when I get up and assess the damage...

rTMS: Well kids I still love this treatment and I still highly recommend it to ANYONE and EVERYONE!!!

For me it still works, but for some reason it just won’t hold... Like I mentioned in past posts I can go a week or two and then I need to get a top up – the majority of patients do not require this amount of maintenance treatments. Some people need none at all, others maybe every month or two, some go for four months without – but I have not heard of anyone needing the ridiculous amount that I do... So people if you are able to get it DO!!!!!!! I haven’t had the opportunity to see if there have been any new studies on depression and rTMS – like I mentioned in prior posts, rTMS is such an amazing medical tool that scientists are testing it on a huge list of diseases and other ailments. With the good sometimes comes the bad...since rTMS is so successful, research funds are being stretched over an ever growing number of different areas, equating to fewer funds for rTMS research on depression/Bipolar Disorder. I better get back to keeping up on rTMS studies and findings around the globe. However, that leads me to my next issue...

ADHD – I am jonzing for some meds for this stupid disorder – I cannot get my shit together. I have no drive to partake in anything, no matter the “fun” value. I am consistently “spaced out” (no comments you, you know who you are). The fogginess stops me from taking things in. I cannot pay attention to anything long enough to get it done, whatever it may be. (Not paying attention = not remembering things.) I am so distracted. My pdoc said we will look at this once we have the anxiety in check. Since Vyvance (Dexedrine) caused me to shift into mania our choices for treatments are very limited: Ritalin (normal or slow release) which like Dexedrine is a stimulant, or Strattera (which is not a stimulant, but many ADHD suffers have very little success with this drug)....so...ya

On a good note: A ray of sunshine invaded my life in June... My son and I went on a cruise to Alaska

(thanks to a very generous donor, who shall remain nameless). It was amazing!!!!! It was an awesome opportunity to escape my evil reality... We went on Holland America: If you want luxury, minimal kids, and lots to do I highly recommend them! During our adventure we stopped at three ports, and spent part of one day in Glacier Bay...

The first port was Juneau (home of (I am not sure if she is still there) former Governor Sara Palin). There we participated in a salmon bake (I hate fish, but my son loves it so we went). It was so cool. We climbed on a bus and had a little tour of the Alaskan Capital, and then we turned off the paved road onto a very narrow, tree lined gravel road. We drove slowly, deeper and deeper into this forest. Then suddenly we were in this amazing and beautiful oasis just on the outskirts of the city. It felt like this well hidden special and secret place. It was a natural and very old forest surrounded by outcroppings of the mountain that loomed above us. They have this great setup, as you walk down a short path from the bus, you are greeted by staff, who usher you

to the bar (lol – neither me nor my son drink), then they explain what they have and where things are located and set you loose...there was a great buffet with lots of different foods (even ones that I like) and everything was fricken delicious. They were cooking the salmon on an open fire (my son liked it so much that he ate salmon until he was sick lol), there was homemade lemonade, and some old-timey dessert that was delish. There was a campfire with marshmallows, and down a short path there was a beautiful waterfall. They also had a local musician playing a guitar and singing at the picnic site (he was quite good)...it was

a great time, an awesome place, and it was so amazing that I could share that with my son.

The second port was Skagway (home of... I have no idea) it was beautiful (much more beautiful than the

name brings to mind) It, like every other port, consisted of some houses, a large area of shops along the waterfront, 98.9% of which are jewelry stores (I am not kidding)...they all seemed to have a minimum of two popcorn stores, 3 to 5 tourist junk stores, a few clothing, and 25 to 30 jewelry stores. I was amazed and disturbed all at the same time. Well in Skagway we went on a train tour, as our excursion. The train which was an original from 6000 years ago (give or take a century) took us up this monster mountain, on this tiny ass track with the mountain face on one side and a 1000+ foot drop on the other :o - funny enough the train took us into Canada. The place in Canada that we ended up (name escapes me) consisted of only a Canada Customs building (if you ever want to either escape America to the awesomeness of Canada OR escape socialist

Canada to the not at all Socialist USA this is the part of the boarder that you should use). The Canada Customs officials even had to board the train and check our Passports (they barely even looked), and then we departed the train and got on a bus. The bus then gave us a tour on the way back down the mountain. Near the bottom of the mountain we had to go through US Customs lol (they cleared the whole bus load without even looking inside)... Once we cleared that we continued our decent. Not far from the Customs check point we turned off the highway onto a gravel road into this little forest in the valley. We pulled up to this very rustic, mock up of a gold rush trail camp. It is built on the location of an old trading post/last stop on the way to the gold part of the gold rush. It was called Liarsville as it was there that news reporters stopped on the trail to the gold rush,

and after hearing of all the hardships the prospectors were having, those reporters remained there and just made up stuff about the gold rush to send to their respective newspapers. Such lies included: balmy weather, short trip from camp to the gold, that everyone was finding gold and getting rich, and how easy the trek was “you can walk or ride horses”...none of the facts like: the month+ trek to the gold, the bitter murderous cold, the lack of roads let alone trails, all the deaths, all the horse deaths, the starvation, the fighting, and scams. We got to watch a

stage show, it was very funny. That was followed by panning for gold. I found three super tiny flakes of gold (of course it helps when someone already put it in the pan lol)...

The next day we sailed to the Glacier Bay. It was cool (not cold but cool J damn I’m hilarious), but everyone and their dog (k really there were no dogs, but still lots of people) were on the deck to also see the Margerie Glacier. Apparently we were all watching to see a chunk of the glacier fall off “calving” (the explosive sound of it plunging into the ocean is so cool, such a loud boom, even the small chunks). This glacier is self sustaining, it moves 7 feet every day, but thankfully it gets enough snowfall to build that back up, hence self sustaining... Prior to arriving at the glacier, as we were making our way through the straight towards it, I noticed that there were chunks of ice floating beside us. They started getting larger and larger as we steadily moved onward, then suddenly (well it felt like it was sudden J) we were surrounded by small to medium ice bergs – I’m like what the hell, hasn't this Captain seen the Titanic??? We didn't sink, which I am guessing you figured out based on the fact I am posting this – or is it ghost writing ha ha ha ha get it... ya just shut up and laugh...

The next day we were on the open water... of course all of these days included shit loads of food J, I guess that goes without saying. If you have yet to partake of a cruise – please, please starve yourself for at least three weeks prior to your departure...you will need this to allow for the 5000lbs you will gain while on your trip. I thankfully was able to control my eating (of regular food) what did me in were the desserts...so many to choose from that I didn't choose at all, I just ate one (or more) of each lol -  Thankfully, even with 24/7 food, I only gained 4lbs – I guess the average is between 8 and 12lbs. I could see this too, as so many people just ate and ate and ate...if they weren’t eating they were drinking...I also did some gambling, watched a couple of movies in their theatre, we went to see a comedian and another night we saw a magician, I even played bingo with the old people lol, we watched line dancing, I partook of the spa...and did I mention we ate. We also met a few people, most of them from BC ha ha ha... I should also, also mention the weather was amazing!!! Sunshine all day, with some rain and awesome fog at night (it was so eerie, but cool)...so beautiful and warm – locals and tour people were telling us how lucky we were, as usually that time of year isn't quite that balmy.

The third and final port was Kitchican: A very beautiful place, great scenery and the aesthetics of the town

were very thoughtful. I loved taking pictures of their amazing use of the natural landscape to build this tiny village. Plus wait for it – a thousand jewelry stores lol... Our Kitchican excursion was my all time favorite (and my son’s least favorite). We snorkeled and free dived in the ocean off the coast of Alaska. That’s right bitches I went snorkeling in Alaska! It was so cool. We saw sooooooo many Jellyfish. There were two kinds; there were these tiny ones (anywhere from 1 to 6in) they were clear with two pretty blue glowing lines intersecting their back/top. There

were so many of them you just swam through them, the others were this mean red (they sting so we were told to stay away from them) of course they were all monster large (well not super large, 1 to 2ft) they had super long tentacles  –  for one of them I had to swim 6 to 7 feet away from it just to get around, they were that long. There were loads of different fish, millions of starfish, and we got to see 3 whales off in the distance. So fricken cool!!!!!!

See the bears arse :)

Other animals I saw on the adventure, plus the ones mentioned above: a seal, numerous bald eagles, a bear cub, many deer, and maybe more that I cannot remember.

Well that was pretty much the trip. I highly recommend you go, should you have the chance...next I want to go to or cruise Europe!!!

Well kids that is, I am guessing, already too much reading (pace yourselves).... I hope to start back at regular blogging. If I don’t, please kick me in the arse to get me going!

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan