Your Silence Equates to Death – Share Everything

It’s been, what feels like an eternity, since I have posted on here – and I feel bad about that. I miss writing about my feelings, my world, but my ADHD is preventing me from doing anything. I don’t hear you when you talk to me, I don’t comprehend what I read, and my memory has been decimated. I have NO motivation.

Thanks to all of the above, I feel like I have lost my voice. I feel so alone. I feel it unsafe to share my feelings

with those around me. I feel they (maybe not all) are done listening to me – even the one person whose support used to be unwavering. Weirdly my depression and mania are under control. Incredible news thanks to Zeldox (100mg) at bed, and rTMS every two weeks (remember my frequent rTMS maintenance treatments are highly unusual, normal treatment protocol is 4 weeks, then the occasional maintenance treatments (very infrequent maybe once a month or 2 months, even 6 months to never needed again)). There have been very few side effects (I should say zero side effects, but I don’t want to jinx it.) Zeldox has helped so much; it prolongs the positive effects of the rTMS, so much so that I anticipate I will be able to spread out the rTMS treatments to perhaps once every three weeks to four and so on. If you get a chance to use Zeldox and/or rTMS do so, just ask your doc/pdoc.

I decided that I needed to post again for the following two reasons, oops three, heck maybe even four: 1) I missed doing it; 2)I am in a very strange place, controlled depression yet still quite suicidal – perhaps that will never go away; 3) I am filled with so much RAGE, I can barely contain it (I am not usually an angry person – tears I can somewhat handle thanks to all these years of practice, but utter hatred is new to me); 4)OK maybe just three - J

1) This one is easy as I already said why – I miss you people! I miss the opportunity to hopefully help, even just one person, by sharing my story. The weird, but awesome, feeling that someone maybe listening...

2) Having control (not complete, but way more than I have ever had) of my depression and mania has left me with two things; a)my ADHD is out of control and b)I get to suffer with what you would call normal emotions – joy (well not yet), anger, excitement, etc. These are unfamiliar to me, as messed up as it sounds, I am NOT used to feeling them and I find them very difficult to maneuver through... Yet with the potential positives in controlling the depression, I am still plagued with suicidal thoughts. I have a little more control over them thanks to the lack of depression, but it is always on my mind; the place, the when, the how...but not the intent. It’s such weird feeling.

3) As mentioned above I am not used to managing anger. Sure I have been angry, but it always faded to

tears, isolation, and self deprecating thoughts always ending with blaming myself. I also participated in some anger when manic, but then I would crash and anger turned to sadness and self blame. I have never had this frustration with the lack of tools for dealing with this. I am seething as I write this, my hands trembling making it very difficult to type. This weird feeling is making my stomach hurt, my muscles stiff and an incredible feeling that I have no control over any of it. The blackness inside me just continues to grow. Some people have given me some great ideas on Facebook, but I lack the motivation to try them (thank you ADHD). I feel like I want to say so much more, but I just can’t find the words!

4) Nothing... J

 [*note I apologize for all the typos and terrible grammar, I just needed to post and make it happen – not pretty but done...]

I kind of want to share a dumb poem I am working on, but it’s not done – it needs a lot of editing and such... Perhaps one of you could help me with it? Don't be too cruel, but please do be honest (I can take it - pretty much)... Here goes nothing..............

“Messed Up”

By Dan Routly

Truth is spoken only by politicians;

Lies are told by the children of our future.

Confined to the black hole called life;

We only hear fragments of their voices.

They scream past us;

Shattering the silence into a million pieces.

The puzzle so simple;

The picture they form is white.

Awaken hearts flutter like the wings of butterflies;

Tempted by the glowing light, the sizzle signaling their demise.

Death explodes our minds;

It’s not for debate, no time can be bought.

Those who can control their lives do so at the cost of love;

Not theirs, but those pathetic souls lining up for their execution.

Treasures are found in the hearts of our enemies;

Battles lost and won become empty.

There is no present to waste;

But waste is all we know...

Well like I said above I missed you all!!!  J

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan