The time was right

Hi all...It's been a long, long time since I have shared, but I've been in hell.  However, after a two week trip to Europe it triggered a manic episode. I've never had one before, so my shrink was surprised. I have now been diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder one. I'm still manic now, but not as severe. I keep having dips every so often

of full blown depression/suicide, but then it goes away. I want to keep the mania forever. I love it!!! It's been 6 months so it may go away soon. I'll keep you posted...

 

All Signs Point to Being…

Hi All

Just checking in on how y’all are doing…

Things have been “fine”… mostly good except for this deep loneliness and dire view of myself.







I have been trying a few dating websites, but have had no real response…unless you count the numerous “older” women – like real old and very unattractive (no offence). So between my pickiness, and my self-hatred chances are really good for remaining alone.

I have been finding it impossible to fall asleep, and if by chance I do I don’t stay there very long – between 2 to 4 hours a night of broken sleep. I am exhausted. Nothing has changed in my bedtime routine, nor has my medication. This sucks to the power of ten, because we had finally got my sleep thing worked out with large doses of several different sleeping medications. I have had trouble  sleeping since I was around twelve and have never been able to fix it until my pdoc found a drug regimen of three different sleeping pills, and three other medications that cause drowsiness. So what does that mean…that there is nothing else to take or try…ugh

I have also been fighting thoughts of suicide. For the most part they are fleeting and not worrisome…but sometimes they are so powerful I am actually terrified. Thankfully I get some relief, for several days, following an rTMS treatment. On the other days I think of my daughter’s wedding, and how I don’t want to ruin her day, but I give myself permission to do so after the wedding. This generally buys me some more time. It used to be my son’s graduation. Hopefully there will be something after the wedding that I won’t want to ruin. If not well then I guess we know the answer – well possible answer.

I also wanted to let you know my pdoc finally has a website www.riverviewmedicalservices.ca you should check it out. There is a lot of information on rTMS…plus bonus is a clip of me getting a treatment. Try not to laugh at my less than attractive appearance, sans the cap I’m super-hot! (insert winky face here)






Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...




Dan

The Rollercoaster: AKA Bipolar

Hi…Salut…Nривет…Hallo…Nривіт…Hola…Hei All!

(Note if any of these are incorrect I apologize I used Google Translate)

My last post was very dark, to say the least (I scared some of my family – sorry folks), but today I find my mood a bit brighter.

I write this post on my balcony in the sun. Basking in it’s warm embrace makes me feel good. Today is a day of leisure and some yard work, momentarily halted thanks to a wasp hive. I have sprayed them with Raid and WD40 and a makeshift trap, but they seem not to care. I need to get some of that foam suggested by my sister. I took a chance today to dig in the area, but chickened out when they got angry at me for destroying their condo without the proper paperwork. J

Actually me...

So instead (even though there are other chores I could perform lol) I sit here in the sun writing.

I would like to talk about the ‘coaster ride of moods’ bipolar sufferers have (in my experience). You just have to read my last post and compare it to this one. I truly wanted to die when I posted it. This one I am enjoying the sun. Sure I am plagued with the thoughts of suicide, but they are in the background where they have no power. Moods – Well for me they are depression and anger that comes up out of nowhere – but most of the time I bottle it up, just to have it manifest in some other aggression. Until I was diagnosed and we came to realize what my mania looks like: anger and shopping for the fix, always followed by a deep depression. I honestly didn’t realize how angry I was. I had just been used to bottling it up, which never ends well.

I’m a kind sensitive man (not perfect, but a nice guy). So this realm of anger, that I should be so angry, just

doesn't seem real, but it is. When manic I speed and speed fast at least 20km/hr faster than the posted limit. So when people are going slow (the speed limit). I would so like to punch the driver in the throat. I use the lessor word punch because this is public, instead I scream at them, pound on the steering wheel and I tailgate the hell out of them and on occasion some honking. I know you have all had this happen to you, I won’t bother explaining how bipolar mania makes things worse, as I think my past posts more than cover that. Let’s just say a manic anger episode is more like The Hulk and less like a two year olds temper tantrum.

I still bottle up most of my anger, some of it shows when I'm driving, or standing in a line where I can’t help but say some rude remark (not often) – just glimpse of the beast. Being mad and being BP hypo-manic angry are like comparing a cute little bunny to a pissed off Rhino. I don’t get the high that Bipolar I sufferers have. Just anger and terrible shopping sprees. I once, with only credit (no money at the time), purchased (within the span of a few days) a hot tub, washer and dryer, freezer, fridge, and dishwasher none of which were required. I had such a high it felt amazing until I got the bill and my high was shattered and replaced with a severe suicide filled depression. But the high that shopping provides me is so amazing, freeing, so close to what I'm guessing normal people have when happy.

Why was I so down in my last post, but so not in this one. There is absolutely no changes from then until now, in fact I feel more stressed out now thanks to money or lack thereof… (Money is a huge trigger for me). Yet I’m almost content (let’s not get too carried away). I am spending more time in the sun (perhaps that has helped). Although I still feel very alone and lonely it hasn’t been (in this moment anyway) a fight to stay alive.

I still feel lost and alone – people have so many ideas to help me change that, but they don’t understand that I need someone to take my hand and guide me to that something. I am trapped by anxiety, insecurities and self-hate that I find it impossible to move forward, like the inability to go to the gym by myself. So if you have an idea call me up and force me to do it. It may take several times to reach me, as I will be hiding, but leave a message and keep calling. I will eventually feel so guilty I will either answer your next call or call you back. Then the negotiations ensue; this is where I try and excuse myself out of going, maybe 3, maybe 5 times, or more or less, but eventually I will give in, and once I do it I usually, not always, but usually have fun. I thank you all for your care, patience and understanding (even when you don’t understand). All I can do is encourage you to try, I really need it.

 

Now back to the lighter things…I am still writing outside, but now sadly in the shade (stupid trees lol). It’s only me here tonight, so I don’t have to worry about making supper and the cleaning that ensues. I know I should eat, but I think I have a full on eating disorder... We will save that for another post… J

It’s summer, enough said!!!

Enjoy it’s beauty and it’s warmth…

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

 

Dan

Doom and gloom - Party Time

Hi Y'all

I have missed writing this blog. I just haven't had the will or the ability to be so vulnerable.

I am SAD.

I'm not talking about the Bipolar Depression, don't get me wrong I have that too, but the drug and rTMS combination have been pretty effective. I am talking legitimate sadness.

I have created, some due to the BP but some my own doing, a terrible life. I realize my problems pale in comparison to others, but I am not talking about them, I can only speak to mine. I have no support system, yes I have my family but they shouldn't have to go through it over and over again. I have 3 friends, yep only three most of which I rarely see (mostly my fault). My life has been my son - everything was about him (which I love and wouldn't change for the world). He has always been there for me too, which wasn't fair to him as a child. Now he has friends, a girlfriend, and he graduated from high school - he actually has a really good life now. He still has his issues with his BP, but all in all he is in a really good place. I did well as a dad (I really think I did - I hope), but now who am I?

I feel so alone. So intolerably lonely. My sadness is so deep. I came to the realization that I don't need to be here anymore. I raised my son, got him to adulthood, got him through school, and now he has a support system and I am done. I know I am safe for the moment, as I get to walk my daughter down the aisle in September (which is awesome), but after that just more loneliness.  

A lack of being needed. I keep thinking I should try and find someone to share my life with, but where would I find them and if I did why would they ever want to be involved with my crazy. I know I am a nice guy, I really do - I just feel worthless. I don't like me, why would anyone else. (So ya the more I write this I realize I am in a deep depression, heightened by my SAD life (insert smiley face here.))

Should I write a pros & cons list on whether I should kill myself or not - I am too scared to do that as the pros list will be far too long.

 

Doom and gloom seem to be the theme of this post. Hopefully my next post will be lighter and more to do with getting rTMS covered and such.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

  

Dan

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

I have missed you tons, and I have no excuses for why I haven’t been writing just...

Life has been uneventful... I am still helping the elderly woman. I keep staring at a blank pad of paper and want to write so very bad, but I just can’t seem to be able to pick it up.

I have actually been feeling pretty good. The rTMS, medication mix appears to be a good one. There are just two problems;

     1)     Constant thoughts of Suicidal. Most are fleeting, but others get stuck in my head and it’s all I can think about. Most I have no intent, others can be pretty scary. Generally with them there is no depression just 

     (which brings me to number 2).

     2)      I feel sad (not depressed, there is a huge difference), so sad about the life I have created for myself and my son. Not only have I graced him with this amazing disease, I also taught him how to waste money, how to alienate oneself, how to accept the status quo, how to conceal your emotions, and how to hide oneself and be what people want or expect you to be.

I have created a terrible life. I have no money to look after myself now let alone when I should be “retiring” (a relative term these days) – for this retiring means when I am elderly. I have NO hope in ever buying a house. I have nothing to leave to my children. I will always be poor and a burden. I wanted so much when I was little; I was going to be a dentist (but realized that meant a crap load of school and the patient’s smelly breath), then my next dream -which I held on to for years and years – the CEO of a large corporation (one that built). All strange...but that is me strange...What I didn’t know at the time was that I was harbouring a disease that would often show itself but never had a name or an understanding of why – he is just weird – he is spoiled – (to my mom from some horrible people) you’re a bad mom, it’s your fault. I feel so BAD for what I put my mom through. I can never fix, change, or give back what I took from her. She is an amazing woman.

In the rTMS world things have been changing, and in an interesting way. There is a new way by which they administer the treatment. It’s called Theta Burst Stimulation (TBS). “Protocols have recently emerged as a method to transiently alter cortical excitability in the human brain through repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS). TBS involves applying short trains of stimuli at high frequency repeated at intervals of 200ms.”

“Human cortical excitability can be modified by repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS), but thehttp://www.jneurosci.org/content/31/4/1193.full

cellular mechanisms are largely unknown. Here, we show that the pattern of delivery of theta-burst stimulation (TBS) (continuous versus intermittent) differently modifies electric activity and protein expression in the rat neocortex. Intermittent TBS (iTBS), but not continuous TBS (cTBS), enhanced spontaneous neuronal firing and EEG gamma band power. Sensory evoked cortical inhibition increased only after iTBS, although both TBS protocols increased the first sensory response arising from the resting cortical state. Changes in the cortical expression of the calcium-binding proteins parvalbumin (PV) and calbindin D-28k (CB) indicate that changes in spontaneous and evoked cortical activity following rTMS are in part related to altered activity of inhibitory systems. By reducing PV expression in the fast-spiking interneurons, iTBS primarily affected the inhibitory control of pyramidal cell output activity, while cTBS, by reducing CB expression, more likely affected the dendritic integration of synaptic inputs controlled by other classes of inhibitory interneurons. Calretinin, the third major calcium-binding protein expressed by another class of interneurons was not affected at all. We conclude that different patterns of TBS modulate the activity of inhibitory cell classes differently, probably depending on the synaptic connectivity and the preferred discharge pattern of these inhibitory neurons.” 

There is more information on the internet. When I find out more I will post it.

I have only had one TBS treatment, it was weird. My usual hour long session lasted only about 20 minutes, and where the paddle was on my head felt warm for a couple of hours, and about 5 to 10 mins after I couldn’t keep my eyes open...I was suddenly exhausted – so strange... I am not sure if it is holding as well as the old way, but I will try it a few more times before I decide if I should go back to the old treatment. Oh right, I forgot to tell you that the new treatment is cheaper since it is shorter.  Instead of $250 per treatment it is now $175 (still high but cheaper than anyone else in North America).

I am also going to star in my pdoc’s promotional video. They will be shooting it for their website. I will totally post the link when I have it. Then you can all see how dorky I look when getting a treatment. J

I am also looking at online dating (well actually I am registered on two sites). Sadly I am way too picky (I’ll hold off telling you what I am looking for, because you will think I am even more crazy – aim high right?)  And then I think about my life and my bipolar and then I think wow what a catch, ugh. I am a good guy, it just so happens I don’t “pack” light (get it lots of baggage ha ha). Oh well I will give it a try, if “she” doesn’t like me for who I am then it wasn’t meant to be. I wonder...How many dates before I should drop the bipolar bomb? Any ideas post it in the comments?

I think that is it. Next time I promise to whine more about this pathetic life I have created – no wonder I want to die... (sometimes)

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

‘Tis the Season for Increased Depression Fa la la la la, la la la la…

Wow time flies when you’re having “fun” – There is snow on the ground (not sure for how much longer, yay Chinooks), the air is crisp…ish, and everywhere you go some marketer is ramming the “holidays” down your throat.

What does all this wondrous time have to do with the evil darkness of depression? Well kids… stress – strain – fear – money – family – preparation – and all that is what “healthy” people go through – NOW -let’s take all of those throw them into a blender, mix on high for 5 minutes; now pour the mess into a pan, put said pan on the stove and crank the heat; now add a little anguish, a pinch of terror, and a drop or two of tears, and let boil for 20 minutes…

What you have there is the “unhealthy” person’s perceptions of themselves and the festivities. “Healthy” person singing along to Christmas Music, while decorating the tree; “Unhealthy” person hiding in a darkened room, tears rolling down their cheek; “Healthy” person enjoying the hustle and bustle of Christmas Dinner, with friends and family; “Unhealthy” person taking moments to escape the festivities to cry. If you could read their mind you would be crushed by the self loathing, the pain and the pure sorrow. So awful that, perhaps only in that moment, they want to die - I know this as I have been there.

I wish I could give people a glance into my head (ha, ha, ha – please insert “empty” jokes here, and then stop J) since I can’t I try and explain it to them, but I am unable to find the words – it’s just chaos…  

Anyway, back to the holidays: if you know someone suffering from mental illness, check up on them – see how they are doing, and ask if they need any help. They will be going through their own personal hell; some due to the lack of money, some the lack of people in their lives, some just need the ear of a friend to help ease the pain, some will be lost (let’s keep that number down). Obviously some will be resistant to accept the help, but maybe your act of kindness will be enough to give them a little hope.

Happy Pre Pre Pre Holidays

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Your Silence Equates to Death – Share Everything

It’s been, what feels like an eternity, since I have posted on here – and I feel bad about that. I miss writing about my feelings, my world, but my ADHD is preventing me from doing anything. I don’t hear you when you talk to me, I don’t comprehend what I read, and my memory has been decimated. I have NO motivation.

Thanks to all of the above, I feel like I have lost my voice. I feel so alone. I feel it unsafe to share my feelings

with those around me. I feel they (maybe not all) are done listening to me – even the one person whose support used to be unwavering. Weirdly my depression and mania are under control. Incredible news thanks to Zeldox (100mg) at bed, and rTMS every two weeks (remember my frequent rTMS maintenance treatments are highly unusual, normal treatment protocol is 4 weeks, then the occasional maintenance treatments (very infrequent maybe once a month or 2 months, even 6 months to never needed again)). There have been very few side effects (I should say zero side effects, but I don’t want to jinx it.) Zeldox has helped so much; it prolongs the positive effects of the rTMS, so much so that I anticipate I will be able to spread out the rTMS treatments to perhaps once every three weeks to four and so on. If you get a chance to use Zeldox and/or rTMS do so, just ask your doc/pdoc.

I decided that I needed to post again for the following two reasons, oops three, heck maybe even four: 1) I missed doing it; 2)I am in a very strange place, controlled depression yet still quite suicidal – perhaps that will never go away; 3) I am filled with so much RAGE, I can barely contain it (I am not usually an angry person – tears I can somewhat handle thanks to all these years of practice, but utter hatred is new to me); 4)OK maybe just three - J

1) This one is easy as I already said why – I miss you people! I miss the opportunity to hopefully help, even just one person, by sharing my story. The weird, but awesome, feeling that someone maybe listening...

2) Having control (not complete, but way more than I have ever had) of my depression and mania has left me with two things; a)my ADHD is out of control and b)I get to suffer with what you would call normal emotions – joy (well not yet), anger, excitement, etc. These are unfamiliar to me, as messed up as it sounds, I am NOT used to feeling them and I find them very difficult to maneuver through... Yet with the potential positives in controlling the depression, I am still plagued with suicidal thoughts. I have a little more control over them thanks to the lack of depression, but it is always on my mind; the place, the when, the how...but not the intent. It’s such weird feeling.

3) As mentioned above I am not used to managing anger. Sure I have been angry, but it always faded to

tears, isolation, and self deprecating thoughts always ending with blaming myself. I also participated in some anger when manic, but then I would crash and anger turned to sadness and self blame. I have never had this frustration with the lack of tools for dealing with this. I am seething as I write this, my hands trembling making it very difficult to type. This weird feeling is making my stomach hurt, my muscles stiff and an incredible feeling that I have no control over any of it. The blackness inside me just continues to grow. Some people have given me some great ideas on Facebook, but I lack the motivation to try them (thank you ADHD). I feel like I want to say so much more, but I just can’t find the words!

4) Nothing... J

 [*note I apologize for all the typos and terrible grammar, I just needed to post and make it happen – not pretty but done...]

I kind of want to share a dumb poem I am working on, but it’s not done – it needs a lot of editing and such... Perhaps one of you could help me with it? Don't be too cruel, but please do be honest (I can take it - pretty much)... Here goes nothing..............

“Messed Up”

By Dan Routly

Truth is spoken only by politicians;

Lies are told by the children of our future.

Confined to the black hole called life;

We only hear fragments of their voices.

They scream past us;

Shattering the silence into a million pieces.

The puzzle so simple;

The picture they form is white.

Awaken hearts flutter like the wings of butterflies;

Tempted by the glowing light, the sizzle signaling their demise.

Death explodes our minds;

It’s not for debate, no time can be bought.

Those who can control their lives do so at the cost of love;

Not theirs, but those pathetic souls lining up for their execution.

Treasures are found in the hearts of our enemies;

Battles lost and won become empty.

There is no present to waste;

But waste is all we know...

Well like I said above I missed you all!!!  J

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

Is This Really worth It????

I’m not talking about life this time J I’m questioning whether this blog has any real purpose or point? I mean it started with me wanting to share my experience with rTMS, but then it morphed into this crazy train wreck.... My messed up life delivered to the masses.

Does anyone even read it? - and if they do, is it really something I want them to know? The reality is that no one, or at least only a small portion of the populace, has viewed it. I have had almost 20,000 views, but judging by my last post most of those views were perhaps in the beginning – and probably by accident. It’s amazing how many countries have happened upon it, but... Don’t get me wrong, I like expressing myself, I like to demonstrate that it’s OK to talk about mental illness, I hope it helps people to know they’re not alone, and that there are loads of options for help... Anyway, off topic, well not really off topic, so much as...

So any whoooooo... an answer to the above conundrum is not any easy one_____

I have been feeling kind of OK (knock on wood)...sure I still want to kill myself, but I’m a little less depressed – I blame rTMS and drugs – I have been getting rTMS treatments every two weeks, and that seems to be working that and Zeldox. I am not sure if I have already mentioned Zeldox, and if I have I apologise for the duplication – but it’s something that warrants repeating. You should check with your pdoc, it really seems to help balance my mood. My pdoc might be a dick sometimes, but he’s a smart one.....

I have a family member dealing with some major health issues (both mental and more relevant physical) – I’m not a religious man, but I’m still praying for him___ perhaps if you can give him a little shout out to the deity of your faith, it may help in some positive way.  

I started a creative writing class on Wednesday, October 2. It was kinda boring, but hopefully it will get more exciting as we go – and of course the only people asking questions, the same questions over and over again, were people that ummm were kind of ummm)...I decided upon entering the room that I wouldn’t be me – Instead I was confidant and outgoing. I made jokes. I chatted up some pretty ladies. I was kinda awesome. My son, after hearing my tale, figured I was “manic” or at least “mixed”. J But I wasn’t – I was just excited. In the class I even volunteered to be the first person to introduce themselves – Whaaaat???? I know right... After I told them that I used to work in the film industry, and that I have been writing (or attempting to write) scripts and that two were optioned - the teacher kept looking at me every time she made a point and on occasion asked me for my affirmation with whatever lesson she was trying to instruct. Let’s just say my meager writing accomplishments were more impressive then hers (those who can’t, teach) kidding no offence teachers you all rock in my world – except the mean ones. She does have a degree and such, so.... she wins! It’s only one night a week for the next 8 weeks (2.5 hours long, ugh). J It was nice to be out with people enjoying the same pastime. It made me actually want to go to University, not back to the University of Athabasca, but to a physical school with real live people... It just felt so good... and so many HOT girls!

I guess that’s all I have – I’ll ponder the merits of keeping this blog going over the next couple of weeks – either way there will be at least one more post.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan

I Am, Therefore I Shall Die

We should all remember that we cannot live in the past, and all the trying in the world will not let us see into our future - what remains is the present.

Living in the future causes frustration, depression, anxiety and cement shoes. Dwelling on ones future love, future sorrow, and of course the worst of these tortures ones demise, leaves us empty and stalled.

Living in the past only holds you back, as you fret about what could have been. Your regrets and pain take over. This doesn’t mean that you cannot reflect on your past, it just means don't live there.

The present is a time that we can change, that we control. A time where we don't have to dream just do, just be. Smell that flower. Feel the soft caress of a cool summer breeze. Sit on the couch cuddling your puppy or your kitty. Perhaps it’s feeling the sun’s soothing warmth on your skin. It’s whatever you decide for your present, your now.

I was hoping to keep this post on the light side, but damn I feel weird...I’m depressed, as usual – but this past couple of months also have me seething.  I have so much anger and frustration, and feelings of strangeness in me. I’m just not sure what to call it. I feel like, hmmm, like I’m not me. That sounds nuts, but I will try and explain some of the $hit I have been feeling.

Lately I have been having numbness in my arms, and my face a lot of which happens with my lips and cheeks. I feel lost, and helpless, and hopeless.  I’m not present. I am not sure if it’s the ADHD, or some brain malfunction...but my memory is almost none existent. I have lost my vocabulary. I am slower than ever. In my mind I think one thing, but when it reaches my lips it’s all wrong. I am terrified.

I am not one to be angry. I would feel it on occasion like everyone, but it was always concealed and controlled. Now the anger is intense. I feel strained trying to keep it in check. I want to scream, to cause injury, to enact some sort of revenge. I am not big on conflict, but I feel like one more thing is just going to cause me to explode. I’m not worried about anyone’s safety. I am not a violent man, and that will remain. So what is a guy to do? I just don’t think I can take anymore $hit. I have been dumped on, ridiculed, belittled, cheated, made to feel tiny, to not feel worthy, disrespected, used, worthless... I am surrounded by this, and tormented daily. It’s a form of bullying, guised in “help” and their imposed desire to “fix me” or “make me better”.

What the he!! am I supposed to do? Some of it happens in a place that helps me squeak by in life, the other happens close to my heart. Either, moreover, or... I am almost trapped in this vicious game.

I want to get rid of this evil blackness growing inside me. I am so used to being in the blackness of depression, but so unprepared for this. I keep hoping it’s a drug reaction, stop a pill and I will go back to normal (whatever that is)...why would someone become so isolated with so many loving people around. Hmmm, that is what I hear sufferers of bullying say. It’s so lonely. I’m so lonely. I can be in a room full of people, but not be present – my mind racing from one thought to the next, all of which are debilitating conversations with myself. Just me and me in my head belittling me, accusing me, telling me to shut up, to smile, to answer, to laugh – whatever reaction that suits that conversation or moment.

The idiot in my head is so cruel. He has no name, but he calls me plenty. He prevents me from being me. I have become so resentful, easily hurt, and easily angered. I have lost ALL abilities to forgive, to forget. I stew in this broth of hatred. I don’t know this me, but he is ever present and controlling and ruining my already $hity life.

This seems so crazy. I am so used to depression, mania, utter despair, fear - but I cannot deal with these feelings, they are so foreign to me. I can’t even deal with these feelings of such helplessness that I am extremely suicidal...suicidal...I have been suicidal for most of my life, but this feels so abnormal. I look forward to bed. When I can pop some pills and disappear for at least a while. Hmm, what a fuking loser.

I keep wanting to escape, to hide from EVERYTHING, but that isn’t how life works – fight or die... I realise

most people just get up and dust themselves off and move on – I am not a “normal” person. I am completely fuked in the head. The Bipolar, the Anxiety Disorder, the ADHD, and all the other diagnoses that I keep forgetting – I am FAR from normal. I only hope to one day embrace that and LIVE. I know that will never happen. My life is $hit, and sooner rather than later I will die. I have no future – I am 44...I have no career...I am single...I am ugly...I am fat...I am stupid...and I have NOTHING. I am basically just wasting everybody’s oxygen.

Sorry for the lack of lightness...I just needed to share. Share or explode. I am sadly not feeling any solace from spewing this stupid stuff...this ignorant me...this horrible waste of skin called Dan.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan