Nothing really exciting to report today. I did some work this morning, nothing very interesting, but
necessary.
Had a late supper, and then played Rockband with my son. I
suck so bad at singing, but I suck even more at guitar, drums, and keyboard; so
I stick with singing. It was nice to hang out with him though.
My mood has been everywhere today and last night... I felt
pretty good all day. My son even said I seemed to be more upbeat then
yesterday, but then this evening I felt a little of the darkness creep in. It's
so subtle at first, and then all of a sudden I'm planning my death. It freaks
me out. Last night was the worse. It was so bad at times, I was very concerned
for my life, but then once again it goes away.
I am so thankful for getting another treatment tomorrow. I
just keep holding out this hope that soon all of the darkness will be gone, but
I realise deep down that I am just going to have to live with the reality of my
illness. Bipolar is not curable, and my version of it is hard to manage. So
long as we can control the suicidal stuff, to some degree, then I guess I will
make do with the rest.
I am just a little tired of it, of every terrible part of
it. I feel so bad for people around me, having to listen to me over and over
again, the same old shit. Same for the people that are reading this blog, I
can't imagine why anyone would read more than two posts and go enough with the
whining. I would have the same problem with a therapist - at least I have in
the past feeling bad rehashing shit. I just want so badly for it to be out of
my head. I hope telling someone, anyone, will free me of it. But it doesn't, it
just makes me feel bad for wasting their time. I guess that is the good thing
about this blog. I can put it out there, and if someone wants to read it they
can, and if they don't they don't have to and they don't have to worry about
hurting my feelings.
It's funny how I start writing my posts thinking I have
nothing I want to say, and then I start to writing and I seem to find that I
do...
Talk to y'all tomorrow...
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