Last Day of 2011

Today (meaning Dec 30th) was rough, as is often the case, I have been sleeping less and less as I am coming off of my sleeping medication. It took all I had to get out of bed, and all I could think about was ending my life.

This trek to 2012, to the treatment, is long and hard (that's what she said)... I only hope it works!!!

Sorry for the short entry, the sleeping pill is starting to kick in...

It Begins....

As I count down the last couple days of 2011, I reflect on the should have beens, could have beens, and missed opportunities. This reflection is in many ways painful, and in all ways brings more questions than answers. I am still here though, and although that has been a struggle there must be some reason. I will be afforded a great and hopefully successful treatment in early January that I trust will make 2012, not only survivable, but also successful.

I am hoping to do a dailyish blog of my ‘rapid Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation’ journey over the next month. I was successful, after much negotiating and lots of persuading, to convince my Psychiatrist, to get an rTMS machine. The machine is set up and ready to go, we will hopefully be starting the treatments around January 9 or 10^th, and he has promised me subsidized treatments for the next twelve months. He is also onboard with keeping the treatments regular even after the 20 day initial phase of the treatment.

I guess I should explain rTMS, or at least its treatment protocol.

From Wikipedia, “Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is a noninvasive method to cause depolarization or hyperpolarization in the neurons of the brain. TMS uses electromagnetic induction to induce weak electric currents using a rapidly changing magnetic field; this can cause activity in specific or general parts of the brain with minimal discomfort, allowing the functioning and interconnections of the brain to be studied. A variant of TMS, repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS), has been tested as a treatment tool for various neurological and psychiatric disorders including migraines, strokes, Parkinson's disease, dystonia, tinnitus, depression and auditory hallucinations. TMS uses electromagnetic induction to generate an electric current across the scalp and skull without physical contact. A plastic-enclosed coil of wire is held next to the skull and when activated, produces a magnetic field oriented orthogonally to the plane of the coil. The magnetic field passes unimpeded through the skin and skull, inducing an oppositely directed current in the brain that activates nearby nerve cells in much the same way as currents applied directly to the cortical surface.[33]

The path of this current is difficult to model because the brain is irregularly shaped and electricity and magnetism are not conducted uniformly throughout its tissues. The magnetic field is about the same strength as an MRI, and the pulse generally reaches no more than 5 centimeters into the brain.”

The treatments first phase is 4 to 6 weeks, for 5 consecutive days per week. Following that a person requires maintenance treatments that vary depending on the patient. Patience need anywhere from a few a week, to only once every other month.

 When I originally tried rTMS, over a year ago now, in Ponoka I had success. They said I would probably notice a change in the third week, and they were right. Near the end of the third week, I suddenly realized that I had stopped thinking about suicide. It just wasn’t an option anymore. It didn’t even feel like I should be thinking of suicide. (Note: Suicide is on my mind every minute of every day, when I get up in the morning I wonder if this will be the day I finally give in, and when I go to bed I fight back the tears and the thoughts as I beg for my sleeping pills to stop me from thinking.) By the start of week four I noticed that during my regular rants at other drivers, I was getting truly angry and when I got to my destination I was still furious. I was not used to this, as normally (since I can remember), my anger would just slip away as my sadness took back over, but that sadness (the sadness that I always had since I was around 10 or 12), wasn’t there. By the end of the forth week I felt the strangest thing of all, I was happy and full of energy and hope. I wanted to finish school, embrace life, to get out and do things. However, the doctor decided since we had achieved success I shouldn’t bother with maintenance treatments, just wait and see what happens. Five days later the life changing effects started wearing off, and shortly thereafter I was back to the old me. We tried just doing a treatment here and there, but could not regain what was lost. I tried to convince the doctor, and nurses that the 20 day initial phase is crucial to build up the required effect, and then maintenance would hold it, but they were bound and determined that just doing the 20 days that one time would be all that was needed, and we just needed to top it up. Anyway, it did not take and travelling back and forth to Ponoka was costing too much money, not to mention that after a treatment I was exhausted about two hours later and needed to nap. Thanks to my mom’s financial help, I was able to stay up at Ponoka again (around March), but the initial 20 day phase was interrupted for a week when the hospital’s machine broke down. That was when I started my campaign to get the Alberta government to get a machine in Calgary. However, like I said I was able to convince my doctor to get a machine before the government even started looking for their red tape.

As I finish this entry, I am waiting for my sleeping pills to stop the evil Dan voice in my head telling me that ending my life would solve all of my family’s problems. I want the sadness gone! I want the feelings of needing to die gone! I want the thoughts of how hopeless and stupid I am gone! I want the hateful things that evil Dan says to me to be gone! I am so tired of being tired, and feeling defeated.

Here’s to smiles, laughter, happiness, energy, moving forward, and surviving. To a new life in 2012… (he says without conviction, and full of dread and great doubt)