Hi Y'all
I have
missed writing this blog. I just haven't had the will or the ability to be so
vulnerable.
I am SAD.
I'm not
talking about the Bipolar Depression, don't get me wrong I have that too, but
the drug and rTMS combination have been pretty effective. I am talking legitimate
sadness.
I have
created, some due to the BP but some my own doing, a terrible life. I realize
my problems pale in comparison to others, but I am not talking about them, I
can only speak to mine. I have no support system, yes I have my family but they
shouldn't have to go through it over and over again. I have 3 friends, yep only
three most of which I rarely see (mostly my fault). My life has been my son - everything was
about him (which I love and wouldn't change for the world). He has always been
there for me too, which wasn't fair to him as a child. Now he has friends, a
girlfriend, and he graduated from high school - he actually has a really good
life now. He still has his issues with his BP, but all in all he is in a really
good place. I did well as a dad (I really think I did - I hope), but now who am
I?
I feel so
alone. So intolerably lonely. My sadness is so deep. I came to the realization
that I don't need to be here anymore. I raised my son, got him to adulthood,
got him through school, and now he has a support system and I am done. I know I
am safe for the moment, as I get to walk my daughter down the aisle in
September (which is awesome), but after that just more loneliness.
A lack of
being needed. I keep thinking I should try and find someone to share my life
with, but where would I find them and if I did why would they ever want to be
involved with my crazy. I know I am a nice guy, I really do - I just feel
worthless. I don't like me, why would anyone else. (So ya the more I write this
I realize I am in a deep depression, heightened by my SAD life (insert smiley
face here.))
Should I
write a pros & cons list on whether I should kill myself or not - I am too
scared to do that as the pros list will be far too long.
Doom and
gloom seem to be the theme of this post. Hopefully my next post will be lighter
and more to do with getting rTMS covered and such.
Until next
time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...
Dan
