Why does negative always follow moments of positive..?

The day started off fine. I stayed in bed as long as I could before the treatment. Got up, showered etc, and then headed off for my treatment. Today's treatment went well. I had a great chat with the nurse/doctor that gives me my treatments. We talked about how my weekend was so good, and all the things I did. She also asked if I would be willing to speak to someone that was thinking of getting the treatment, but had some questions. I said sure. I answered the ladies questions, and assured her it is worth a try. The nurse/doctor and I also had a conversation about their other patients. She was saying that 100% of them have had positive responses to the rTMS treatments. Such awesome news!

BUT then once I was home, my plans for just chilling and letting the treatment do its magic were hampered by circumstances... I should have just completely unplugged, but I didn't expect either of these uncertainties to appear.

I only hope my treatment wasn't wasted. I just hope that although I couldn't relax, or turn off my brain for a recharge that it wasn't enough to counter the rTMS. I realize life isn't perfect. Hell I realize life can be shit, but why can't a person just be allowed to enjoy some positive time, not always be walking on a constantly moving tightrope.  

SO I can't change what I can't change, C'est La Vie... I guess I will go play a video game with my son, and then go to bed. Screw you negative shit, you will still be there tomorrow, maybe then I can figure you out!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

SOLD OUT! Say what..?

Hey gang I was so hoping to have great stories about my adventures at the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo, but as we drove up to the gate to park we were told it was sold out. L So my friend and I decided we would have a nice lunch instead. Only drawback I wasn't able to get pictures of crazy comic fans, and garnered no epic stories of strange experiences. I did have good food and a great conversation. We caught up on all our strangeness's... and made plans to go for a walk in the park, once we have some more nice weather. So that will be awesome.

Then I came home and spent some time with my son - we watched a couple of our PVR'd shows that we always watch together, including an old Saturday Night Live - so very funny. Then my son went out for dinner with his mom, and I went and took dinner to mine.

I grabbed some Tim Hortons for my mom and me. I got her some soup and a sandwich, and I had chili and a sandwich. Very strange to be at Timmy's and not buy a donut, but I was good and didn't... I took the food to my mom's, and we ate and watched the news. After supper, we just visited, sans the TV - it was quite nice, just the two of us chatting about everything and nothing. I washed the dishes and bundled up the garbage, and then I helped make her bed with clean sheets. And headed home...

That was my day - empty of huge tales, but full of nice moments. I can honestly say I had a good weekend. Wow... I had a good weekend. I hope there are plenty more to come.

Tomorrow is another treatment, I have no plans to go or do anything after. I am going to hold myself to the whole rest after the treatment thing - so remember that world, Dan is unavailable tomorrow. Of course I do have a couple of things I need to do via the telephone, but I am not going ANYWHERE!!! I need to do all I can to make sure these treatments work. And so far since the last treatment I have been feeling pretty good. I have no idea if it was the treatment, the not doing anything after the treatment, the increase in my new medication, or all of the above - but I would like to duplicate the outcome, so to do so I will follow the same regimen. The only blip on the whole mood thing happened this evening, I just caught myself thinking of ending my life and then it was gone...

I shall now go put my jammies on, take my pills, and watch a couple of my shows before bed.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

"Look! It's moving. It's alive. It's alive... It's alive, it's moving, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, IT'S ALIVE!" Frankenstein (1931)

Hello peoples... So still riding a good mood. It has been wonderful, feeling good, positive, and no suicidal stuff - just enjoying the moment.

I helped a friend this morning, with some planning and a ride. I have been charged with a very serious task to help them with. I am honoured for the trust that has been put upon me. I just hope I can do it justice. I will start it Monday.

I am not sure what I did in between that and going out this evening. I know I made an early supper, watched some PVR'd shows with my son... Otherwise drawing a blank...

Anyway, I went to a play, sorry a musical, this evening, with a very good friend that just happened to be the Producer of the show. Cappuccino Musical Theatre's, Frankenstein the Musical. It plays from April 28 - May 12 in The Studio at The Vertigo Theatre Centre 161, 115 9 Ave SE, for tickets: 403-221-3708, for more info  http://www.vertigotheatre.com/main/page.php?page_id=5 . It was an awesome production. The music was amazing. The cast did a fantastic job, their voices were wonderful. I can honestly say there wasn't anything that I didn't like. There were moments of joy, sadness, and a lot of sitting on the edge of your seat. It's Frankenstein so some dark moments, but so well done you are swept up with the action.

It was so nice to get out and do something fun. I am so thankful that my friend invited me. I really miss theatre, it is so enjoyable. Perhaps I should be writing plays - don't even, I wouldn't have a clue...

Tomorrow I am going out with another friend to the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo. Hopefully I will have some good stories from that adventure. Maybe I will try and snap a few pics of some of the diehards in costume - if I remember.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

TGIF - even for the unemployed weekends are a great time (less guilt when sleeping in)...

What a strange day - I actually feel up, but really unsure what to do. I guess the usual, where I feel like there is so much I should be doing that I just shutdown. Anyway, after a slow start to the day - stayed in bed until noon - yes that is bad, but I got sleep so poo on you. I got up showered, took my pills, then sat there, and sat there, and you get the picture. Then boom next thing I realized, I am cleaning - WHAT??? Yep I was cleaning; washing dishes, sweeping, washing the bathroom, kitchen... What the hell is wrong with me? I'll tell you I was feeling good. I even did some laundry... WHAT? J

It looks like this is going to be a busy weekend, which is awesome. I will be out of the house on a few occasions. First tomorrow afternoon I am going to help a friend. Then tomorrow evening I am going to the opening of Cappuccino Musical Theatre's, Frankenstein the Musical. A friend of mine is producing it, so you should check it out. It plays from April 28 - May 12 in The Studio at The Vertigo Theatre Centre 161, 115 9 Ave SE, for tickets: 403-221-3708, for more info http://www.vertigotheatre.com/main/page.php?page_id=5. Then Sunday I am going with another friend to the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo. Should be a scary blast... I have been trying to avoid large crowds, this event will be packed!!! I have never been, and always wanted to, so why not this year, I only hope I am still charged like I am today.

My mood has been excellent. I feel good. I actually feel good. Thankfully I did those few things mentioned above, so my day doesn't feel like a waste, and I have plans for the weekend. WOW almost like a normal person... I am liking this two treatments a week, and I really believe it is key to rest after treatments. As such I hope the world doesn't mind my lack of availability on those days, but I really think if I want the rTMS treatments to work to their full potential I need to take that time. So world I am unavailable Mondays and Thursdays for a while, well for a few weeks anyway. J

I decided to post this early (ha, ha I decided) as my son would like to borrow my computer for a bit... Figured since my day is going so well that I might as well post earlier than later. Sleep - is also a key to this being successful. I am thinking for now perhaps not to worry so much about when I am getting the sleep, as much as worrying about just getting the sleep. Don't worry about what time I am sleeping, just about how much sleep I am getting...

I will hopefully have lots to write about tomorrow night, it will be a late post, so please check back either late Saturday or sometime Sunday.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Another treatment, another interesting day...

I started the day off with a treatment - early for me, probably late in the day for some - at 10am. I was toast after... Not sure if they just hit the right place, or because my last treatment was only three days ago - either/or doesn't matter I was, and remain bagged.

I came home, and was just a zombie, speaking of which my son came home and decided it best I not just veg, but instead I should lose myself in a video game for a bit - so I played Dead Rising 2 (a zombie killing game)... J

Then I tried to have a nap, but it seems no matter how tired I am I just can't shut off my brain. My thoughts just keep going and going, from one topic to the next, and so on. I try meditating, but that just causes more and faster thoughts. I try concentrating on my breathing, but that only brings up new thoughts... It just doesn't stop. The professionals are, "it's all about the 'sleep hygiene'" - I'm all, "just help me shut off my mind". So far after years of trying everything, NOTHING WORKS - except that 4 hours of bliss from overmedicating with sleeping pills (well sometimes a whole 4) - I'm not angry, just frustrated as hell...

Hopefully in the morning, when the grogginess wears off, I will have a lift. Although having just written that, I realised that I haven't had any suicidal thoughts since my treatment. Every time it does that, it blows my mind - (In a good way). J

My pdoc is having me increase my Saphris (asenapine) to 20mg tonight, so that might help with sleep and the extension of the positive effects of the rTMS treatments. I am tired of pills, so very tired of them - ugh... But these ones especially, as they melt under your tongue and as mentioned in past posts they taste like shit - if shit tasted like some terrible chemical that numbs your tongue. J

Meanwhile, I was supposed to start my pill popping earlier  (they recommended 9pm, but damn that is so early) - and all the pills do is make me tired, they don't make me sleepy (if that makes any sense) - they just make me feel yucky, kind of like when you're just getting sick and you're wiped out but can't sleep - and that stays until my actual sleeping pills kick in, which can be anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours depending on the night. Damn I'm talking about sleep again - enough talk, now it's time to try.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Less is more...

Nothing really exciting to report today. I did some work this morning, nothing very interesting, but necessary.

Had a late supper, and then played Rockband with my son. I suck so bad at singing, but I suck even more at guitar, drums, and keyboard; so I stick with singing. It was nice to hang out with him though.

My mood has been everywhere today and last night... I felt pretty good all day. My son even said I seemed to be more upbeat then yesterday, but then this evening I felt a little of the darkness creep in. It's so subtle at first, and then all of a sudden I'm planning my death. It freaks me out. Last night was the worse. It was so bad at times, I was very concerned for my life, but then once again it goes away.

I am so thankful for getting another treatment tomorrow. I just keep holding out this hope that soon all of the darkness will be gone, but I realise deep down that I am just going to have to live with the reality of my illness. Bipolar is not curable, and my version of it is hard to manage. So long as we can control the suicidal stuff, to some degree, then I guess I will make do with the rest.

I am just a little tired of it, of every terrible part of it. I feel so bad for people around me, having to listen to me over and over again, the same old shit. Same for the people that are reading this blog, I can't imagine why anyone would read more than two posts and go enough with the whining. I would have the same problem with a therapist - at least I have in the past feeling bad rehashing shit. I just want so badly for it to be out of my head. I hope telling someone, anyone, will free me of it. But it doesn't, it just makes me feel bad for wasting their time. I guess that is the good thing about this blog. I can put it out there, and if someone wants to read it they can, and if they don't they don't have to and they don't have to worry about hurting my feelings.

It's funny how I start writing my posts thinking I have nothing I want to say, and then I start to writing and I seem to find that I do...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A beautiful sunny day - for the most part...

Once again I couldn't get out of bed. Possibly due to several reasons; I reduced my Zopilclone from 15 to 11.25mgs, and I increased my melatonin from 10 to 20mg, but forgot to take it until 11pm both making it impossible to fall asleep. Then making matters worse, I took the other half of my Zopiclone pill about 4am. - All and all making the morning a groggy mess... I finally forced myself out of bed around 12:30pm - another morning ruined.

I got up showered, and had my usual toast and coffee breakfast at lunch - plus the new fish pills. Which were fine, huge, but no fish burps as I followed the nurse/doctor's advice and froze the pills. With all that done I sat on the couch thinking what next??? So I grabbed my book and headed for the balcony. The window of opportunity for sunshine on the balcony is limited, as it is on the west side of the house, and there are 4 or more giant fir trees right in front of it. Anyway, the dog and I hung out there for a bit - but that became a bit chilly every time the sun was lost behind a tree or a cloud. So we came inside. Now what??? - is all I could think... Do something, don't waste the day completely.

What it should look like

So I grabbed my headphones and my cell phone and headed to the park. It's too bad, I mean I'm sure it will be awesome when it's finished, but they are cutting down tons of trees, ripping out the mini-golf, they have blocked off a huge part of the river pathway, and they have yet to refill the lagoon as they are building a temp road so they can repair or replace the existing bridge - and to make it worse the sign says the project isn't to be completed until 2015... Here is a link to what they are planning Bowness Park Redevelopment Project

Anyway, I put on my earphones, cranked up the tunes and started walking a path that led away from the construction. It was a nice 30 or so minute walk. Though I must say frustrating as hell - I hate being alone with my thoughts, and music is not a distraction. I just got back to my car, when we got a little sprinkling of rain.

When I pulled up to the house, a Mr. And Mrs. Duck were waddling across the street towards my house. They partook in a lovely snack under my neighbors tree, while a squirrel was trying, like me, to figure out why they were here, the river isn't that close. I'm thinking the lack of water in the lagoon isn't helping the poor ducks...

I bought a Brita water bottle yesterday, on our Wal-Mart journey. I am hoping it will help me lose weight. My son has lost probably 30 to 40 pounds - since his continual use of his water bottle. Of course he also does a lot of walking to and from the bus and train, as well as playing drums, but he has also been drinking lots, and lots of water - which I think has him eating less too.  I personally hate water, but it tastes fine from the filtered bottle, and it's convenient. I have, at start of writing this, drunk one full bottle - more water than I have drank in years... I just hope it helps.

Then this evening the skies darkened, and boom one big thunder clap and the rain began to fall, and fall, and fall... It should be pretty green tomorrow, hopefully a lot of sunshine.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Great end to a very good day...

The Alberta provincial election ended on a positive note. We can breathe a sigh of relief, as we still have a sane government. Things will get done, and done well. Check back with me in 6 months and see if I am still happy, no guarantees but I am feeling very confidant.

Had a great treatment, and an excellent talk with my nurse/doctor that gives me the treatments. Although I keep having these fleeting suicidal ideations and even though they are brief they are still scary. I am hoping with the steady two treatments a week for a while we can get those to go away.

After the treatment I went and took a friend to vote, and to the hairdressers. In between we went for a very nice lunch. Then I headed home. I was exhausted thanks to the treatment, so my dog and I laid out on the balcony for a bit. It was such a beautiful day. It is so nice to be able to hang out on the balcony in the sun. Except for a run to Wal-Mart with my son, I basically didn't do anything else this evening. Although the treatments give me a lift in mood, they really tire me out. My brain feels like I have been working on complex math problems for 12 hours... (I have no idea what that means) J I am just mentally exhausted.

The nurse/doctor and my pdoc suggested I increase my melatonin, and the nurse/doctor also recommended adding Omega 3. I am hoping all that helps... We are still, as always, struggling with the sleep thing. One of the things I need to try, which I will have to start tomorrow, is taking the melatonin and a couple of my other medications earlier (like 9pm) and be in bed by or before 11. That seems so early, there is some much more day left... But then I am reminded there is a whole lot of day in the morning that I am missing out on. J I have to give it a try. All I really want is 8ish solid hours of sleep, I'll even take 7 or 6 or 5... Just some solid damn sleep. J

Looking forward to tomorrow - no plans, but hoping my mood will be elevated and perhaps I can take a walk in the park, do some writing or reading on the balcony, hopefully something fun/interesting/anything...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Would love to have spent the day at a beach - but...

Well I didn't spend the day on a beach somewhere, but I did spent a few hours out on the balcony in the sun wearing shorts - finally. While sitting outside I was able to catch up on some writing. I completed four scenes of my zombie movie, which finished off an interesting segment of the movie. I hope the story is as exciting to other people, as it feels to me. So it not only felt good to be out on a warm sunny day, but also to accomplish something.

Then my son and I went to get my mom a few groceries, and brought her supper. This time I cheated and bought the meal instead of making it (lazy I know). We had a nice supper, then my son decided if my mom wants to get better she needs to make some changes. For example; drink room temperature water to help with her cough, change out her drinking glasses more often, and then was trying to figure out if fresh air was better than humidified air. He left it with her to decide. J She should perhaps go back to the doctor tomorrow, but I am getting a treatment, and have two duties to perform that I cannot change. And my sister that has been helping and did the last doctor run, is working all day and evening. I did offer to take her later, but she was hoping to beat the crowd and go earlier. I guess we will have to wait and see what tomorrow brings...

My son and I came home and he decided we should continue our old school video game marathon, so back to Silent Hill 2 and some more gore filled gaming. J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A sad day for different reasons...

I started the weekend off with sad news. My good friend's husband was rushed off to the hospital in the middle of the night. So I took her up to the hospital to visit him, early this afternoon. He is very sick, I feel very bad for both of them. I only hope the hospital helps him get well quickly, and with care.

This afternoon when I got home, my son and I hung out for a bit, and then decided we should go buy an old school video game. I am pretty sure he was driving the 'we should buy a video game' train, but I got to drive the car and pay for the game. J While we were out we grabbed a quick bite to eat, my favorite time to spend with him as we are together with no distractions. Then we stopped at Marble Slab for a little dessert, and then back home.

Once we finished our ice cream, we set to playing our new video game. We purchased the Silent Hill HD Set. So we started off with Silent Hill 2, which after 3 or 4 hours we are taking a break so I can write this post.

It wasn't the 'perfect' Saturday I was looking forward to, but it was a 'special' Saturday in many, many ways. I enjoy helping others, and I love spending time with my son... Don't look for what was missed, look for what was gained.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Pretty darn good day...

So, as I mentioned yesterday I was so excited to have a second rTMS treatment this week, which I did today. I was so pumped. I had a little slow start to the day, as I decided to change the alarm and get a bit more sleep. However, it wasn't all bad, as I felt much better with the extra sleep. I was charged and ready for the treatment. And I was not disappointed. I had a great talk with my pdoc, and the doc/nurse that usually does the treatments. We joked around, and they used me as a guinea-pig for this new attachment to the machine they bought that helps better read your motor threshold, so that was fun. They also let me know they were doing some photos and a video for their website, and wondered if I wanted to participate. They said I could star in and direct. J I said hellz ya I am in! I also offered that if new patients were nervous and wanted to watch it in action, I was OK with them watching me get a treatment. I also offered to do the same if another doctor was interested in observing. Why not - let's help as many people as possible...

After my treatment I went and voted in our provincial election - I am so hoping my candidate and her party win. (That is all I will say on politics)...

I did NOT take this pic, but we did see several

Then I picked up my son, and we went down to Bowness Park, a beautiful giant park near our home. It was pretty empty, which was nice, but there is also a lot of construction/upgrading going on that I found a little distracting. But still awesome to just hang out in the sunshine with my son!!!! I just love the sunshine - would so love to be on a secluded beach, sun, sand, and surf...

Then home for some down time - I made us some smoothies to refresh us from the walk. Then my son went his way, downstairs to chat online with friends, and I upstairs trying to figure out what to do next.  After some veging in front of the TV, combined with a little Facebooking, I decided to make supper. So I fired up the bbq, and we had steak, baked potatoes, fresh steamed broccoli, and fried mushrooms - very yummy...

After supper my son and I played Rockband with one of his friends on Xbox. It was a lot of fun, except for some of the critiquing of my singing - he can be a real Simon Cowell. J It was nice to spend so much time with my son today, very nice.

Mood has been holding nicely all day, felt really good a couple of hours after the treatment, but then that calmed down to feeling pretty good - which is nice... I do enjoy my rTMS treatments, and their magic. I still don't have plans for tomorrow yet, I am not going to panic. I just want to find something that doesn't include too many people, which I realise will probably be impossible on a Saturday. I will just have to keep working on it... My plan is to have a good weekend, whatever that looks like.

Well I think to end this pretty good day I will either watch a movie or some of my PVR'd shows before bed.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...