The Rollercoaster: AKA Bipolar

Hi…Salut…Nривет…Hallo…Nривіт…Hola…Hei All!

(Note if any of these are incorrect I apologize I used Google Translate)

My last post was very dark, to say the least (I scared some of my family – sorry folks), but today I find my mood a bit brighter.

I write this post on my balcony in the sun. Basking in it’s warm embrace makes me feel good. Today is a day of leisure and some yard work, momentarily halted thanks to a wasp hive. I have sprayed them with Raid and WD40 and a makeshift trap, but they seem not to care. I need to get some of that foam suggested by my sister. I took a chance today to dig in the area, but chickened out when they got angry at me for destroying their condo without the proper paperwork. J

Actually me...

So instead (even though there are other chores I could perform lol) I sit here in the sun writing.

I would like to talk about the ‘coaster ride of moods’ bipolar sufferers have (in my experience). You just have to read my last post and compare it to this one. I truly wanted to die when I posted it. This one I am enjoying the sun. Sure I am plagued with the thoughts of suicide, but they are in the background where they have no power. Moods – Well for me they are depression and anger that comes up out of nowhere – but most of the time I bottle it up, just to have it manifest in some other aggression. Until I was diagnosed and we came to realize what my mania looks like: anger and shopping for the fix, always followed by a deep depression. I honestly didn’t realize how angry I was. I had just been used to bottling it up, which never ends well.

I’m a kind sensitive man (not perfect, but a nice guy). So this realm of anger, that I should be so angry, just

doesn't seem real, but it is. When manic I speed and speed fast at least 20km/hr faster than the posted limit. So when people are going slow (the speed limit). I would so like to punch the driver in the throat. I use the lessor word punch because this is public, instead I scream at them, pound on the steering wheel and I tailgate the hell out of them and on occasion some honking. I know you have all had this happen to you, I won’t bother explaining how bipolar mania makes things worse, as I think my past posts more than cover that. Let’s just say a manic anger episode is more like The Hulk and less like a two year olds temper tantrum.

I still bottle up most of my anger, some of it shows when I'm driving, or standing in a line where I can’t help but say some rude remark (not often) – just glimpse of the beast. Being mad and being BP hypo-manic angry are like comparing a cute little bunny to a pissed off Rhino. I don’t get the high that Bipolar I sufferers have. Just anger and terrible shopping sprees. I once, with only credit (no money at the time), purchased (within the span of a few days) a hot tub, washer and dryer, freezer, fridge, and dishwasher none of which were required. I had such a high it felt amazing until I got the bill and my high was shattered and replaced with a severe suicide filled depression. But the high that shopping provides me is so amazing, freeing, so close to what I'm guessing normal people have when happy.

Why was I so down in my last post, but so not in this one. There is absolutely no changes from then until now, in fact I feel more stressed out now thanks to money or lack thereof… (Money is a huge trigger for me). Yet I’m almost content (let’s not get too carried away). I am spending more time in the sun (perhaps that has helped). Although I still feel very alone and lonely it hasn’t been (in this moment anyway) a fight to stay alive.

I still feel lost and alone – people have so many ideas to help me change that, but they don’t understand that I need someone to take my hand and guide me to that something. I am trapped by anxiety, insecurities and self-hate that I find it impossible to move forward, like the inability to go to the gym by myself. So if you have an idea call me up and force me to do it. It may take several times to reach me, as I will be hiding, but leave a message and keep calling. I will eventually feel so guilty I will either answer your next call or call you back. Then the negotiations ensue; this is where I try and excuse myself out of going, maybe 3, maybe 5 times, or more or less, but eventually I will give in, and once I do it I usually, not always, but usually have fun. I thank you all for your care, patience and understanding (even when you don’t understand). All I can do is encourage you to try, I really need it.

 

Now back to the lighter things…I am still writing outside, but now sadly in the shade (stupid trees lol). It’s only me here tonight, so I don’t have to worry about making supper and the cleaning that ensues. I know I should eat, but I think I have a full on eating disorder... We will save that for another post… J

It’s summer, enough said!!!

Enjoy it’s beauty and it’s warmth…

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

 

Dan