I Am, Therefore I Shall Die

We should all remember that we cannot live in the past, and all the trying in the world will not let us see into our future - what remains is the present.

Living in the future causes frustration, depression, anxiety and cement shoes. Dwelling on ones future love, future sorrow, and of course the worst of these tortures ones demise, leaves us empty and stalled.

Living in the past only holds you back, as you fret about what could have been. Your regrets and pain take over. This doesn’t mean that you cannot reflect on your past, it just means don't live there.

The present is a time that we can change, that we control. A time where we don't have to dream just do, just be. Smell that flower. Feel the soft caress of a cool summer breeze. Sit on the couch cuddling your puppy or your kitty. Perhaps it’s feeling the sun’s soothing warmth on your skin. It’s whatever you decide for your present, your now.

I was hoping to keep this post on the light side, but damn I feel weird...I’m depressed, as usual – but this past couple of months also have me seething.  I have so much anger and frustration, and feelings of strangeness in me. I’m just not sure what to call it. I feel like, hmmm, like I’m not me. That sounds nuts, but I will try and explain some of the $hit I have been feeling.

Lately I have been having numbness in my arms, and my face a lot of which happens with my lips and cheeks. I feel lost, and helpless, and hopeless.  I’m not present. I am not sure if it’s the ADHD, or some brain malfunction...but my memory is almost none existent. I have lost my vocabulary. I am slower than ever. In my mind I think one thing, but when it reaches my lips it’s all wrong. I am terrified.

I am not one to be angry. I would feel it on occasion like everyone, but it was always concealed and controlled. Now the anger is intense. I feel strained trying to keep it in check. I want to scream, to cause injury, to enact some sort of revenge. I am not big on conflict, but I feel like one more thing is just going to cause me to explode. I’m not worried about anyone’s safety. I am not a violent man, and that will remain. So what is a guy to do? I just don’t think I can take anymore $hit. I have been dumped on, ridiculed, belittled, cheated, made to feel tiny, to not feel worthy, disrespected, used, worthless... I am surrounded by this, and tormented daily. It’s a form of bullying, guised in “help” and their imposed desire to “fix me” or “make me better”.

What the he!! am I supposed to do? Some of it happens in a place that helps me squeak by in life, the other happens close to my heart. Either, moreover, or... I am almost trapped in this vicious game.

I want to get rid of this evil blackness growing inside me. I am so used to being in the blackness of depression, but so unprepared for this. I keep hoping it’s a drug reaction, stop a pill and I will go back to normal (whatever that is)...why would someone become so isolated with so many loving people around. Hmmm, that is what I hear sufferers of bullying say. It’s so lonely. I’m so lonely. I can be in a room full of people, but not be present – my mind racing from one thought to the next, all of which are debilitating conversations with myself. Just me and me in my head belittling me, accusing me, telling me to shut up, to smile, to answer, to laugh – whatever reaction that suits that conversation or moment.

The idiot in my head is so cruel. He has no name, but he calls me plenty. He prevents me from being me. I have become so resentful, easily hurt, and easily angered. I have lost ALL abilities to forgive, to forget. I stew in this broth of hatred. I don’t know this me, but he is ever present and controlling and ruining my already $hity life.

This seems so crazy. I am so used to depression, mania, utter despair, fear - but I cannot deal with these feelings, they are so foreign to me. I can’t even deal with these feelings of such helplessness that I am extremely suicidal...suicidal...I have been suicidal for most of my life, but this feels so abnormal. I look forward to bed. When I can pop some pills and disappear for at least a while. Hmm, what a fuking loser.

I keep wanting to escape, to hide from EVERYTHING, but that isn’t how life works – fight or die... I realise

most people just get up and dust themselves off and move on – I am not a “normal” person. I am completely fuked in the head. The Bipolar, the Anxiety Disorder, the ADHD, and all the other diagnoses that I keep forgetting – I am FAR from normal. I only hope to one day embrace that and LIVE. I know that will never happen. My life is $hit, and sooner rather than later I will die. I have no future – I am 44...I have no career...I am single...I am ugly...I am fat...I am stupid...and I have NOTHING. I am basically just wasting everybody’s oxygen.

Sorry for the lack of lightness...I just needed to share. Share or explode. I am sadly not feeling any solace from spewing this stupid stuff...this ignorant me...this horrible waste of skin called Dan.

Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...

Dan