Sorry it’s been a while since my last ‘real’ post. My world,
thanks to the increase of one medication and the removal of another, has been a
few weeks of ‘crazy’.
Here is the link to the AWESOME Smurf's Merry Go Round song
Last week, two days after increasing my Latuda from 40mg to
60mg, I pretty much went over the edge. I even did a Vlog via my phone throughout
the day, but after viewing it the next day – there was no way I could post it.
It was way too personal, and I was literally crazy. I am not sure what it is
like to go insane, but it was like what I imagine it would feel like. My mind
was going a million miles an hour. I couldn’t seem to control it. My body just
want to shutdown, yet meanwhile it felt like I was bursting out of my skin. I
was depressed one sec, angry the next, crying the next. Just watching my vlog
of that day disturbs me. The next day I went for an rTMS treatment and the Dr
Nurse that administers the treatment, made an emergency appointment with my
pdoc. I survived the night, and then at the appointment the next day he gave me
shit for not putting two and two together to realize it was the increase of the
drug. He told me to stop the drug for a couple of days, and then go back on a
low dose. However, I did mention to him and a million other people that I
thought even the low dose of the Latuda was effecting me in a negative way.
When I took it at supper (which is the recommended time to take the drug), two
hours later I would be super agitated. I couldn’t sit still and just felt like
I would explode out of my skin. My pdoc then suggested I take it at bedtime, so
I did and my sleep (which is one of the things it was supposed to help with)
went from my usual shitty sleep to SUPER shitty sleep... I still took it like a
good boy trying to give it a real chance (as you know sometimes negative
effects wear off) but nope months and months later still even worse sleep – so when
the pdoc said stop the drug for a couple of days, I took that to the next level
and stopped all together – sleep is now back to shitty instead of super shitty.
I just need to figure out when to let him know...
Thanks to that bout of mania that I think I noted in my last
post – my pdoc removed Vyvance and life has SUCKED ever since. Vyvance really
helped me. I always thought Dan (me) was simply a guy that just wanted to hide
in his room forever, was slow because he couldn’t remember or really register
what people said or were saying, that I couldn’t learn because I couldn’t retain
anything, that he would take on a task and when it got boring he would just
shutdown and want to quit (whether it was a job, or just a task at home, or helping
someone)... Well with Vyvance I functioned (my son says I am addicted) if I am,
I am addicted to the life it gave me back. I had no idea how bad I had “ADHD: Inattentive
Type”, and how much it control(s) my life. With the medication, I was able to
get things done – and it didn’t matter if it was boring, tedious, or bothersome.
I did it and was fine with it. Listening to people, I could finally hear them.
My mind wasn’t crowded with other thoughts preventing me from paying attention.
I wasn’t easily distracted by anything and everything. I could remember things,
I could learn things (retain it). But now I have been off Vyvance for three
weeks and the old Dan is back with a vengeance. I have found myself just hiding
in my room, dropping out of helping people, staying alone, and hidden away.
When people talk to me, I zone out the whole time. I have to keep asking them
what they said. I can’t retain anything because my head is so crowded with
thoughts and I am so easily distracted. So if I am addicted to that so fricken
be it J
In the meantime, while I wait for my pdoc to let me try
another ADHD medication (in hopes it will not heat up the mania) life is shit.
Thanks to the rTMS I am not super depressed, and suicidal thoughts are
basically non-existent. rTMS is the bomb people – I wish you all had access to
it. Anyone with depression, any kind of depression needs this
treatment!!!!!!!!!!!
I still want to Vlog within a Blog post, but I guess not
quite yet, but soon – once I am a little less ‘crazy’!
I had a wonderful day yesterday with a house full of family.
Crazy at times. Loud at times. Dogs barking at times. So much closeness, love
(however that looks), surrounded by people you seem to see less and less of...
Sure I had a lot of house cleaning to do, but well worth it. I wish I could
have Family Fun Nights at my house every week. I really miss being social and
spending time with my family!
Until next time Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...
Dan
