Hey folks I wanted to add to the title above “though I may
not have the talent to achieve success in these arts, I promise you I have the
angst... :/ ” but it be too darn long for
a title J
Like I mentioned in my last post I was hoping to blog a little
more often (I will say sorry here to those that accidentally happen to see my
blog – run now before you are dragged into my strangeness). This post will be a
lot shorter than the last, but like the last it will be terrible...
It all started... no I am not prepared, nor cruel enough to
tell you my whole life story although it is an amazing action packed, always
colourful tale (not really any of that). J
I was at a session with pdoc (Dr N) who works in my pdocs
office, as my pdoc (Dr M) was on holidays, so Dr N was nice enough to see me.
The session was prompted due to my startling Dr N2 (his wife who administers
the rTMS treatments) during my rTMS treatment. I was in a bad place, and she
could read the
anguish I was feeling just by looking at my face. She started
asking me questions to try and pry the truth out of me. My eyes started to tear
up, a teardrop slowly slid down my cheek. There is no actor alive or dead that
could mimic my pain, or my silent sorrow. My emotions were on the edge of overflowing
the dam that I built to protect me from losing control, from crying. In that
moment she asked me, after several questions, “Are you safe?” I of course
answered, “Yes”, my stock answer for that question. She asked me some more
questions, and my eyes welled up, but I could not afford to bare the sadness in
my heart. The next question, the next question, the next question – then again
she poses, “Are you safe?” I wanted to say yes, but instead I told her of the
two, now one, thing tethering me to this body, this torture people call life...
as I started to tell her that one thing, that one life hurdle that I need to
make sure my son achieves and then I was done. The tears started to flow and Dr
N2 said, “What about living for you?” I replied, “I don’t matter” (damn the
tear drops are slowly trickling down my cheek as I am writing this). This
statement made her cry, which prompted me to lose control and for a short
moment the torment of the emotional isolation I created
burst through that
proverbial dam. I had to fight as hard as I could to seal it back up, to re-establish
the facade necessary to keep going until my goal has been completed. Hence the
chat with Dr N. After I told him more than I wanted, he told me I needed to take
a break from life. He suggested I take a weekend, or however long I needed, to
get away from the two main stressors plaguing me, just me – just turn off the stress
just for even a moment, to allow me to recharge. That I need to remember to do
something for Dan, and to remember I have a disorder and that it is OK to be a
little less sensitive to the people around me, and be a little narcissistic (to
a healthy level). It made me smile a little, but inside I realized I never
could – soft and cuddly I am.... just ripe for the abusing.
Sorry. I realize I told you this post would be shorter than
the last, but I guess I had more to say then I first thought.
Anyway... How’s it going folks? I personally feel a touch
better after 4 rTMS treatments (July 24 and 25 and August 6 and 8). I personally,
and sadly, think I need to do the 5 in a row to get the depression back to J) a
survivable level. I just hate to ask them to donate that amount of time,
especially considering how generous they have been (a perfect example of my
over-sensitivity and care for other people, and my lack of care or concern for
me). I guess I would rather die than inconvenience or burden someone else. Damn
expensive treatment...damn healthcare system and your disappointing approach to
saving lives – Which costs more: people taking millions of drugs (suffering the
side effects); numerous hospital stays; the lives ended because they are not
worth saving; preventing the ill the opportunity to get back into the workforce
helping to generate an increase in funds for the individual and society,
allowing them to be free of the tiny stipend provided them through government
services and to feel human, a part of the “normal” world; OR rTMS treatments
for one month with some follow up sessions (if you didn’t figure it out the
first stuff is more expensive J)
Universal healthcare is as real as unicorns and honest
politicians. I found this interesting White Paper
authored by the Western
University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation: Titled, “Measuring
What Matters: The Cost vs. Values of Health Care”. Provided here is a quote: “Canadians’
values reflect the desire for a more “personalized” health care system, one
that engages every individual patient in a collaborative partnership with
health providers, to make decisions that support health, wellness, and quality
of life. Yet, health systems are focused on performance management in terms of
costs, operational inputs, such as services delivered, or quality measures such
as medication errors, readmissions to hospital, and mortality rates. Health
system effectiveness is not evaluated in terms of delivering value to
Canadians.” I highly suggest you check it out.
Western University: Ivey International Centre for Health Innovation White Paper 2012
On a lighter note: my WiFi stopped working. On an even
lighter note helium...
That brings us to the end of the program, which is when I
like to sing my lovely closing theme, “I'm so glad we had this time together, Just
to have a laugh, or sing a song.” Oh wait that’s not mine. “I'll be back, when
the day is new, and I'll have more ideas for you, And you'll have things you'll
want to talk about. I will too.” Damn that’s not mine either... Well apparently
I need a theme song (opening and closing) hmmm...
Until next time
Blogonians [blawg-awn-ee-uh n]s...
Dan
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