A day of medical treatments - well only two but damn, both are taxing...

What a day... I started the day off slow, seemed impossible to get out of bed. Then I went for my rTMS appointment. They actually had to turn down the intensity. For some reason my usual 82% made my hand twitch 'violently' (strong word used for effect, it just jerked way more than usually) when she tested my threshold, so she turned it down until the twitch was just a twitch. We are not sure why the change, could be I just got more sleep, could be length between taking sleeping pills and getting treatment, could be the chemical change in my brain. The treatment went well, and I had a great talk with the nurse/doc that gives my treatments. I also got to wear my awesome new shirt that Aden picked out (and only cost $10). I might take a pic of it since it is so beautiful, and post it for y'all.

I came home for a very brief moment, and then headed to get my facet injection. I got there answered the usual list of questions, stripped, put on the lovely purple hospital gown, and proceeded to the second waiting room...  It wasn't long before they came out and got me to sign the waiver (they make you do it each time)... I waited a bit longer and then they called me in. I got up on the table, they positioned the x-ray machine, and then the doctor came in. He seemed very nice, chatty. He cleansed the area got everything ready and then said, "There will be a pinch", and then stabbed me with the freezing. He didn't gently slide the needle in, he literally jabbed it in and deep. I am like ouch, but then moments later the freezing kicked in. He then gave me the injection of cortisone, he was way faster than the previous doc (not sure if that is good or bad J). He also said, "You might feel some pressure." I am like ouch, as I felt pressure with a side of pain. Again the pain in my leg intensified, as I tried to walk from the table to the door. Hopefully it will ease up after a bit, and not get worse after the freezing comes out (I am writing this part of my post right after the injection 4:00pm, while lying down).

Well the freezing came out and the pain increased - not tons but still more... ugh. The evening went pretty slow, the post rTMS treatment exhaustion kicked in and put me in bed. No sleep, but just couldn't keep my eyes open. Then I made a big steak dinner for me and my son. Now thinking I might just head to bed. Tomorrow I am back helping my friend and no real plans for the weekend - as usual...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A little what what...

Nothing exciting today. I did help my friend late in the day, but otherwise just took it easy. Mood seems to be good, and no thoughts of suicide. Just sitting tight waiting for my rTMS and facet injection tomorrow (ugh)... Not really looking forward to the injection, as the first shot I got still hurts like hell, and the second shot I got has totally numbed my left leg - making walking even more difficult. Sorry not much of a post, but my son stole my laptop, so I am doing this on my iPad. Not sure if any of you have had the pleasure of typing on an iPad, but I think it sucks bum... Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Another, nother, nother no post of a post...

Sorry I did a lot of sitting today, which led to a lot of back pain... We did do a little clothes shopping this evening, nothing exciting - but it's been a long time since I have purchased some new clothes.J






Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Hmm, la de da, de da, de da... I got nothing for a title.

So a pretty all round slow day. I went for my rTMS treatment in the early afternoon, came home had an hour or so of just tidying and hanging, and then boom like a ton of bricks the exhaustion hit at the post two hour mark. I would love to know if that happens to all rTMS patients, or if is an individual thing.

So after basically wasting the entire afternoon in bed wishing I could sleep, I finally felt less tired and got up. My son and I went out for a bit, and then back home to blog, do some more laundry, and if he has his way some Rock Band.

My mood is still holding fine, and I haven't had another suicidal ideation since yesterday. But I didn't succeed on my goal of getting the email addresses for the government officials I need to get my letters to... I am so missing that motivation - that's great the mood is holding at this spot, but where is the ability to be/feel motivated, and less anxiety - great I don't want to kill myself, but on the other hand I still don't seem to be able to live... The doc/nurse that gives me my treatments asked when was the last time I felt that motivation, and sadly I think I haven't felt true sustainable motivation since the first time I got rTMS like two years ago (the time that my pdoc thinks I was manic) - I am sure there must be a way to be motivated without mania - if not give me my damn mania back - that was an awesome time... Bad for the brain, but still damn awesome. Tomorrow I help my friend, and perhaps in the evening my son and I might go shopping for some clothes. I need a pair of jeans bad like... J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A pretty calm quiet day...

Had a very slow start to the day, and for the most part did nothing. Then I had my mom over for supper. My son went out with his mom, so it was just my mom and I. It was very nice and a great meal - if I do say so myself... J

My mood has been basically holding, but I did notice a little 'blip' last night. I just suddenly realized for a very brief moment I had a suicidal ideation. Like I said it was brief, but just the fact it showed itself at all was disheartening and an evil reminder that this disease is a permanent fixture of my life. I kind of had one of those moments today too, but not quite as severe. I go for another rTMS treatment tomorrow, so hopefully that will push those little fragments out of my mind...

I think that is it for today. Tomorrow my goal: Make it to my rTMS appointment... OR perhaps my goal should be to get those damn rTMS letters out to the government - I am not sure why I keep putting that off, especially since they are already written. I just want the government to cover the cost of rTMS, so more people can try it. There are so many people, including children, teens, and adults that might really benefit from trying rTMS, but cannot afford to pay that huge fee. I really need to make this happen...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Grrreat day...

I had an awesome day. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but we had a fun filled day. 

We headed off to The Dark Knight Rises an hour before its start time. A quick jaunt up Stoney Trail, and we were at the theatre with lots of time to spare. It was not the zoo I expected. In fact we were able to get in a concession line that only had two people in front of us. Popcorn and pop in hand we headed to our seats. The theatre filled up, and after 2 hours worth of commercials the film commenced. It was a very good movie. There were a couple of moments when I thought the characters were talking a bit too much - but nothing overly disappointing...

When the movie was over we decided to walk around the mall a bit - yes I and my son walked around a mall, crazy I know. We checked out the video game store, and then I finally got to see the famous Bass Pro Shop. Man that is an amazing space. After walking around there and checking out the guns, fish, and array of very dead, very stuffed animals we decided to hit the food court for supper.

After munching on some Bourbon St. Grill, we figured what the hell and stopped at the Marble Slab Creamery for some ice cream. We sat for a bit, and did some people watching and then headed home. Not an amazing day to most, but a great day to me. I enjoy anytime I can get with my boy...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A very LONG day...

A very full day too. I spent the majority of the day helping my friend, do this and that and some more.  Then headed home to pick up my son, and we went to my mom's for supper. Two of my sister's were there, and one of my nephews and a great-niece. My one sister and my great-niece were here from out of town, so it was nice to catch up. We had a nice feast of pizza, and then my son set up his grandma's new TV in her bedroom. Hopefully she actually watches it. J

After the nice meal and visit, my son and I braved the brewing storm and headed to 7-Eleven - probably the one and only 7-Eleven in the city where their Slurpee and fountain pop dispensers weren't working - what the hell else good is a 7-Eleven??? Anyway, following that disappointing adventure we sat down to watch Batman Begins and The Dark Knight in preparation to our viewing of the Dark Knight Rises tomorrow. We bought tickets in advance for one of the Ultra AVX movie theatres, so the seats are reserved - no worries on where we're going to be seated, but still expecting a ZOO...

Oh I also tried to do laundry in between movies - now sitting here at 3:30 in the morning and still waiting on the dryer... J Damn I hope this movie is worth all this...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Another giant needle - awesome...

Had another late start to the day, and then headed to get my second facet injection. I mentioned to the nurse the extreme pain since the injection, her answer these injections are diagnostic as well as pain management, so hopefully we will no more after each injection. The second needle was administered in my left side this time, it started off fine, but after a few pushes and several x-ray snap shots boom she hit something. I'm like 'moan', she says oh did you feel a little pressure? She pushes a bit more, 'aaahhh'. It was extremely painful, she said sorry it's a very small area, ugh no problem I replied... J

I haven't left the sofa since the freezing came out in fear of being inflicted with the great pain I endured from the last needle. So I am not sure what to report, on the success or failure of this new injection. Although since that feeling of 'pressure', I call pain, that I felt when she was inserting the needle, my left leg has been very numb...

I failed my goal for today - I have no excuse, I just didn't do it. My goal for tomorrow is to go help my friend.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Another rTMS treatment successfully received...

I missed celebrating my 200th post two days ago - damn... Happy belated 200th post people!!!

So I think this was my 700th rTMS treatment (not literally), but it feels like I have been getting them all my life. Which is not really a bad thing - it is an excellent treatment with really no side effects. And it's working, this regiment of two one week then one the next week - is working - as mentioned for the longest time now no suicidal thoughts, not one - not even fleeting... I do think if I ever get to see my pdoc again I might ask about anxiety medication, but I am guessing I have tried them all already - so not getting my hopes up...

My back on the other hand - sucks ass... I cannot describe to you the pain I am in. I mentioned my concerns about the facet injection vs. the nerve block to my psychiatrist's partner, who is also a psychiatrist and he figured the facet injection is a bit of a longer term inhibitor than the quick fix of the nerve block. I am hoping he is right, because I didn't get up the nerve to call my family doctor - I am such a wimp. Anyway, back for my second injection tomorrow - yippy... NOT! I will ask them if it is supposed to be this painful. I am not looking forward to the freezing coming out after tomorrow's injection, to have both sides hurting this bad - UGH... And then I have to try and get my son to his drum lessons. J

So here I started my post earlier, but I am sadly in way too much pain to be thoughtful and able to give a hundred percent to working on my life goals. Perhaps I can set tomorrow's goal as, 'writing one scene of my zombie movie.' Seems doable... Let's see if this works people. I also have another movie idea I would like to write a synopsis for, but let's stick to the one simple goal for now...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Not again..? Yep...

Sorry folks, but I had a full day of sitting and as such there is no way I can sit and type a post... Tomorrow should be better I only have my rTMS treatment. Hopefully I will also get up the nerve to call my family doc about Thursdays injection... Don't hold your breath, I'm not... :) Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A simple day, full of not much and a lot of pain...

Basically a 'good' day over all, really did nothing but lay around in pain - took my son to an appointment, and then some Wal-Mart shopping this evening - should note no line ups, and barely any people = awesome... J

That's it I got nothing else to report... My mood has been holding well, zippo suicidal ideation, still just the anxiety issues and so much BACK PAIN... My back, on the side I got the needle, is still even more painful than before. I tried calling my family doctor but when I called they were closed for lunch, and then I couldn't get the guts up to do it again. I just want to check with him that he really thinks I should be getting the facet injection vs. the nerve block (as mentioned in a previous post). Holy f#$k I am tired of this pain - I am not sure how I am functioning. Driving in the car is so painful, I think I am becoming an even more aggressive driver (not sure how that's possible) but it just hurts so damn much... I am constantly fighting back tears, and find it harder and harder not to make grunting sounds with every stabbing pain...

Blah enough about the back - I realize I keep promising myself to blog about goals, and then I leave my posting so late that I just want to quickly write something and go to bed. I need to seriously work on my goals, especially because it feels like summer is just hauling it's ass past me, and I am doing nothing that I want to, or think I want to do - whatever that might be, still not sure... ugh Damn I got to figure this shit out...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A very good day, I surely must say...

I had brunch with my daughter, her boyfriend, my son, and my mom. It was very nice, too short, but very nice. It was great to be sitting down together, as a family. I miss those times, with my daughter not living here - not that we had many when she did live here. J I have only met her boyfriend on one other, even briefer brunch, so it was nice to 'meet' him again. The last time I met him neither he nor I got much of a chance to speak, so this opportunity was better. Perhaps we will have more opportunities in the near future. I'm jealous my ex-wife gets them and my son all to herself over the August long weekend, for her family's reunion... Jealous = pissed off

Then I ran the errand for my friend, and had a short visit with her and headed home... When we got home I headed to bed with the heating pad. F#$K my back is hurting, the place I got the needle hurts twice as bad as it did, and it was unbearable before...

I just listened to the last of the fireworks, and now heading for bed. I hope everyone enjoyed the 100th year of the Calgary Stampede, as much as I enjoyed avoiding it for another year... J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Just a lazy kind of day... and boring too.

So ya I slept in and stayed in bed and stayed in bed some more. For a couple of reasons, one I just didn't want to get up and knew I had nothing to do today, and two my back has been fricken killing even more since the magical needle of cortisone...

I did do laundry today, so it wasn't a complete waste. J We even had leftovers for supper. It was that lazy of a day. Damn I wish I had the 'ability' (can't think of a good word) to go out and do things. This fear thing is really screwing with me. I noticed driving to and from and even during the movie yesterday that I kept having mini panic attacks. I could find no rhyme or reason for them, but they kept happening. They were horrible. The ones in the theatre I just tried to breathe through, the ones in the car I thought I was going to have to pull over - but I got through them. I just wish I knew where the anxiety is coming from, and how to get rid of it. It's less than awesome to finally be in a good mood, with no suicidal thoughts, but be unable to go do stuff - enjoy some living...

Not sure if I am seeing my daughter tomorrow or not, I haven't heard back from her - but if I do we will probably do brunch before she goes back home. Then I was going to do an errand for a friend, and then back to the safety of my home. Oh the joy of being such a boring person...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Spider-Man, Spider-Man Does whatever a spider can:

Sorry folks no post tonight... My son and I went to the late show of Spider-Man, and just got home....








Nothing really to report anyway.......



Talk to y'all tomorrow...


PS Spider-Man movie not that great, 3D pointless... Go see it anyway!

Damn that hurts...

So I went for my rTMS first thing this AM, and as usual two hours later I was dead to the world, but had to get up and out to get my Cortisone injection... 

The injection went fine, nothing exciting - put on the pretty purple gown, sat in the waiting area for only a brief moment then went and had freezing, and a huge needle stabbed slowly in my back, guided with the help of an x-ray machine... I did learn from the doctor administering the needle that this was a 'facet injection', different from the 'nerve root block' that I got in 2009. The facet injection is generally used for arthritis pain, where as the nerve root block is obviously used for nerve issues - I am now concerned that my new 'young' family doc might have checked the wrong boxes on the requisition form... The nurse at the needle today told me that it takes about 10 to 14 days before I will notice any benefit from the injection. She also warned me that the freezing would come out in about 3 to 4 hours - hence my post title, when it came out, and still now, it HURTS like a motherf$#ker...

I guess we will have to wait and see what happens... The next needle is next Thursday. Mood is holding great, I have not had one single suicidal thought for so many weeks now it's amazing... Tomorrow I am off to help my friend, and on the weekend I found out my daughter is coming down - so we will hopefully be meeting for brunch or something. I am sure she will fit me in between her Stampeding. J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Another nother beautiful day, boring but beautiful...

I had a very slow start to the day. I should have got out of bed, but I just stayed there under the ceiling fan. When I finally did get up I headed to the family doctor. 

My doc did give me the requisition to get the Cortisone injections. I called the place as soon as I got home, and was able to get an appointment for tomorrow. It actually requires four injections over a four week period, so yippy for the next four Thursdays I get needles in my back - who is the lucky guy...me. J I am just hoping it works. It is supposed to give short-term pain relief and reduce the swelling from inflammation. If they work the doctor says the relief is supposed to last about three months.

Mood is holding... Another rTMS treatment tomorrow, so no reason my mood should change... Although my son keeps asking me, "What's wrong with you?" I am like nothing, but he keeps telling me I am acting strange. Not sure what that is about, although as I have mentioned in other posts I do feel 'different', 'strange'... I know one thing bothering me is the whole desperately wanting to be doing things outside, but just feeling I can't. I have no idea how to explain the 'can't'. I am unable to put it into words. Hell I don't understand it myself.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have good news to share about the injection. Until then I am still thinking about goals, and what to write about those goals... It would be so helpful for me to set some, to have something concrete to strive for........

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Another beautiful day and such...

Well I got the battery changed out, although the replacement had the posts reversed so I had to do a little MacGyvering to the cables - it seems to work but it's far from perfect...

Thanks to my mom and her minivan I was able to help my friend in the morning and do a couple of errands that included the battery purchase. Then we went for a nice supper...

Now I am sitting here with a hundred fans blowing all over the house, and looking out the sliding glass doors at the beautiful evening. The sky is darkening and there is no wind, completely calm. Eerily calm...

I am sorry for this even less then interesting post. I didn't get much sleep last night, even less than usual - so I am extremely exhausted. Tomorrow is my family doctor appointment - hopefully he will be sending me for Cortisone injections. Back pain has been horrendous today - a lot of sitting, and battery lifting.  Anyway, I am off to bed, but wanted to share my exciting day... J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Dag nam it...

So, good start to the day, up early for my rTMS treatment, which went well and then home for breakfast that included a Macdonald's coffee. And boom like clockwork two hours after the treatment I was bagged and ended up back in bed. I can't say I actually slept, but I could not keep my eyes open.

My son and his grandma (my mom) took our bottles back - long story about why I didn't and don't do the bottle depot (maybe one day I will share)... Before they got back I did some writing out on the balcony - it is really taking a long time and many scenes to kill off all of these people in my zombie script, I am looking forward to getting the hero to his next destination (where ever that might be)... Anyway, they got back home and we sat for a bit and visited, then my mom went home, my son headed to the basement, and I read some more Maclean's magazine (trying to stay up to speed on the 'news')...

Eventually my son came back upstairs and we decided to head up to the local mall - we did our thing which was basically eating out - ok that is all we did was eat supper... Got out to the car, and turned the key and NOTHING. Some lights lit up and the car made a terrible clicking sound and nothing more. Ah F#@k, is what I thought. So I popped the hood and damn my battery looked like shit. The posts were super corroded, and it just looked bad. So I disconnected the battery filed off the posts, and the inside of the clamps, but to no avail. I called the AMA and was told it would be 2 hours before someone could come and boost us - ugh 2 hours in a sweltering car, oh well better than snow... I was just hoping that a boost was all I needed - a tow would be a 5 hour wait... We were pleasantly surprised when the guy arrived within a half hour, and the car started. Yippy... The AMA guy agreed time for a new battery... So my son and I drive the long way home to give the battery more time to charge, got home turned off the car, and boom it wouldn't start again. So battery shopping tomorrow, although I need to go help my friend first so my mom is nicely lending me her van - damn that woman is always saving me...

As an added bonus the radio stopped working. My son read in the manual that we need to punch in a five digit code to reset it, WHAT??? I have no such code, it says it can happen when the battery is disconnected, that and the anti-theft light keeps flashing... ugh J Any ideas greatly appreciated???

Goal for tomorrow - Get a battery for my car, without emptying my bank account!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

What a beautiful day...

Another great and hot day... Summer is awesome - to anyone that complained it's too hot, don't cause snow will be here soon enough. J

Started the day on the slow again, slept in but not very late. I am not sure why I say 'slept' in, as rarely am I actually sleeping mostly I am lying there arguing with myself on whether I should get up or just stay in bed... Anyway, I finally got up and had my usual toast and tea - and then I had to tidy the house in preparation of my guests arriving. With the house ready I sat and read a little Maclean's magazine while I waited. My house was extremely hot (not complaining), so I suggested they come an hour later to see if it would be cooler - it wasn't... J We had an awesome bbq of potatoes and onions, corn on the cob and steak. I still need more practise grilling steak, I cannot seem to find the happy medium of properly cooked - it's either over or under ugh.

My company was going to stay until it was time for the fireworks, but they decided to leave early so my mom could have her van in the morning. They will hopefully get to see them next week... I feel bad they didn't. I also feel bad as I think my son really wanted to play Rock Band, but we didn't do that either...

Tomorrow I get another rTMS treatment and can report things are going pretty good. I have noticed I have been feeling a little 'strange', not like myself, and not completely in a good way. I find myself distracted when people are talking to me, like I tuned them out but don't realise it right away. I also feel a little grumpier than usual, kind of easy to fly off the handle - which is really not like me... I am also concerned about my memory, now it hasn't ever been great, but it hasn't ever been this bad. I am finding it more and more difficult to remember things whether it's an old or new memory. I just find it hard to take in things, like I will read an article and realise at the end I am not really sure I understood what I read because I didn't retain any of it. I am hoping it is because my brain has been under utilized, for so long that I have to get it back up and running, but truthfully I am concerned. Lack of concentration and irritability are not good signs. Whether it be from all the medications I have been on over the years, or the depression and manias, or now all the rTMS treatment, or even a combination of all the above - I am worried that I won't be able to get my memory back. Always something to worry about, I never seem to have trouble finding something to be anxious over.

So sorry this post wasn't about goals, as I had hoped but perhaps my next post...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...