Perhaps a person (me) needs two rTMS treatments per week (or more)...

Things are for shit - I have not noticed a lift after yesterday's treatment. I feel like shit. I feel suicidal. I am far from happy. It has been a long time since I have felt this low. I find it impossible to get out of bed, and I haven't even had a shower today (yes that is a big deal I am a fanatic when it comes to daily showering)...

SO WHAT? Who gives a fuck? Me either...

I called and left a message for the therapist again, and hopefully next Thursday I can meet him, just waiting to hear if he has any spots open for then. Of course in this mindset therapy will be for shit, I realize that is a shitty attitude but that has been my experience. I was hoping the treatment would have things under control, and therapy would be there to help me to the next level of 'healthy'.

I shan't bore you any further... fuck I hate this!!!!

Talk to y'all tomorrow... 

One heck of 'magnetic' morning...

I started the day early, way too early. I was at my MRI at 8:00am, fine it's not super early - but WAY TOO early for me... It went well, slightly painful lying on the hard flat table - but as far as tests go, pretty easy.

I came home and hung out for a bit before heading off to my rTMS treatment. It went well; they were training a new nurse on the machine - I, as the professional patient, assisted... She is very nice and did fine. My pdoc and I discussed the fact that I started feeling low on Friday and progressively got worse over the weekend. He is thinking we will try one treatment next week and reassess that perhaps I need two per week - I have no idea what that will mean for my future. Sadly today, my low also includes suicidal thoughts, so I don't see a future and am struggling with sticking around for anymore of this 'fun'.

I went back to bed when I got home from the treatment, had a 'broken' couple of hour's worth of nap. It was not a good nap, but it was much needed thanks to the lack of sleep last night and the treatment. The rest of the evening included playing a video game (Max Payne 3) still trying to finish it - I suck...

I am not looking forward to bedtime, it always sucks so bad when I am suicidal, too much time with my own thoughts. I spent most of the evening lost in my PVR'd shows... ugh

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Just to say I did...

Sorry folks, long day of nothing. Tomorrow is my MRI and my rTMS treatment for the week, so I will have lots to talk about.





Tonight I am just sore and tired - although laid up on the couch most of today, my son and I did manage to get the yard looking better - I can barely move but at least it's done.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor, Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?

It was a nice day - what I saw. I did stay in bed as late as possible - mood is still lowish. No suicidal stuff, but feeling the weight of some darkness.

River in Priddis - I should have taken a picture of the bench

My son and I took my mom out to see the bench, and agree it needs refinished. We just need to find a good product to do it with. We are thinking maybe whatever they use to seal boats??? After the pretty drive we went for supper, it was a nice evening. After supper we grabbed ice cream from Marble Slab, thanks to my mom.

Once home I desperately needed to lie down. I watched a couple of PVR'd shows (not sure if I will ever catch up). Then I decided to play a video game, Max Payne 3. Not sure how long I played, but probably too long...

Now it's time for bed - you know what they say, 'tomorrow is another day' So deep!!!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Star Light Star bright, The first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight.

I wish I felt better... I seem to be just plugging along.

I don't necessarily feel so much depressed, as I do just feel blah... Although as I write this, I may be more depressed then I want to acknowledge.

I did help my friend today with a little errand, and had a wonderful lunch. Then picked up my bread pudding, my mom didn't want to do the bench today, so maybe we will go see then the bench tomorrow and go for supper. Then again maybe we won't, you will just have to tune in tomorrow to find out. J

I am sure I could make up some shit to write about, but between my mood and my back I think I am done. Perhaps one rTMS treatment per week isn't enough - damn I hope that isn't so, or I don't think I will ever be 'well'...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

The clouds dispersed, the sun shone bright and the, who am I kidding it rained...

So I still have nothing. I couldn't get out of bed, didn't even go and pick up my meds from my pdoc. Not sure if its mood, or just giving up due to back pain - whatever it sucks.

I'm so tired of this - so much so I think I will just shut up!

Sick

By Chaotic Life aka Curly Mer

I'm sick,

of being me

I'm sick,

of people

I'm sick,

of feeling crushed

I'm sick,

of being depressed

I'm sick,

of having to yell everyday

I'm sick,

of school

I'm sick,

of being imperfect

I'm sick,

of being so smart

I'm sick,

of acting stupid sometimes

I'm sick,

of saying things i don't mean to other people

I'm sick,

of hiding secrets inside me

I'm sick,

of life!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Words escape me...

I really have nothing to report - my mood has been pretty good. I keep feeling overwhelmed for really no reason, but it keeps sneaking up on me. The new sleeping medication is not working. It does knock me out about 45 minutes after taking it, but damn if I don't wake up 2 or 3 hours later and struggle to get back to sleep for the next 4 to 5 hours. I am thinking tonight I will take one, and when I wake 2 hours later I will pop a Zopiclone - just a thought, perhaps not a good one. J

I don't even really have any plans this weekend to share, although my son and I might escort my mom out to Priddis to check out the condition of the bench there dedicated to my grandparents. We are thinking it probably needs refinishing, and we forgot to look at it when we were there for the garage sale. After we check out the bench I think we will take my mom out for supper. We never spend any time with her, so hoping we can catch up over some good food... She also notified me today that she made me some bread pudding (my favorite), so also looking forward to having that. J

Well kids that's all I got... Perhaps tomorrow will provide more, oh wait I have nothing happening tomorrow - damn...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A great day if I was a high priced Call Girl...

Why you ask? Because I spent the majority of the day on my back... J

I took another back day, well almost, I did have to give in and do laundry that has been piling up, including changing my sheets, something that should be easy but is extremely painful, ugh. Anyway, it is all done, and I cannot worry about it for another week.

I guess the next challenge will be the yard, once the rain lets up and all is dry. It's been neglected what with my son and I both being out of commission, but hopefully this weekend (weather permitting) we can catch up. It looks terrible and not something I like to let happen. The yard is small enough that my son and I, together, should be able to get it back under control with relative ease.

I got my MRI booked for next week, Tuesday to be exact. I guess once that is done the next challenge will be to get to see a specialist. Not sure how to handle that as my medical files are in limbo, my old family doctor no longer has them, and my new family doctor has yet to receive them - so ya WTH. I think Friday I will work on that and a couple of other things I have been neglecting - perhaps some writing too. I have been 'craving' to write, but have just kept putting it off - perhaps I should revisit that...

My mood has been kind of strange. One minute I am fine, then the next I am feeling low. I found it extremely hard to get out of bed today, but I kept thinking 'what is the point', as I would just go from the bed to the couch, so crappy. No suicidal stuff though, so that is good... My pdoc said I could go in Friday if I need a top up, but I think I should wait until Tuesday and see if I can do one rTMS treatment per week. I can't do two per week forever... I should be at one per month, or perhaps even less by now, so I need to get my shit together. I need to realize (as I am sure I have mentioned) that this is probably as good as it gets - so deal! Perhaps things will be better if I can get rid of the back pain too - man I hope that is possible...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Sleep where art though...?

Well I got a little sleep last night, but not much as I was on parent alert one eye open and my ear straining - just making sure my son was OK, and he was. He is still combating the dizziness and some slight nausea, but no more puking. Thank goodness... So after a day of doing completely nothing, I let him do a couple of things today - a little TV, and some online chat with his friends. I can see tonight that he is very tired and looking pretty worn out.

Today was my one and only treatment for the week. It went fine; as usual I was wiped out a couple of hours later. I didn't do anything after so hopefully I was able to get the full benefit.

This afternoon was full of back pain as always, I actually had to call my old family doctor to resend their MRI requisition, only to find out my files had finally been shipped to the company that is suppose to provide me a digital copy - so I am in limbo, no files J Thankfully my doc agreed to make up a new letter and send it off today, so I should hear back in the next couple of days. The possibility of a faster MRI is a long story that I am not able to share yet, but it's good news.

My mood has been kind of strange, but I am hoping it is the lack of sleep. I am trying a new sleeping medication tonight; it's called 'Sublinox'. It's brand new, in Canada anyway not sure about the rest of the world. We (Canadians) finally have two sleeping medications to choose from, better than only one I guess. Well hopefully it works, cross your fingers... I think I will watch one PVR'd show, then head to bed.

Talk to y'all tomorrow... 

Troublesome concussion...

What a night... So much so I need to say it again, what a night...

My poor son's concussion symptoms intensified at around midnight. The dizziness he had been feeling increased tenfold. So much so he could barely stand, and then the violent vomiting started. He threw up about every 10 to 15 minutes, each bout lasting several minutes. He became very weak, shaky, and obviously distraught. I brought him drinks, sat on the stairs to talk to him when his nausea and dizziness prevented him from getting up off the bathroom floor. Then around 4 am we moved into his bedroom, I sat (laid when my back gave up) on his bed, next to him, and we talked in between his terrible adventures to the washroom. At 5:36am the vomiting seemed to finally stop - we were both exhausted, but neither of us could sleep. We decided it was safe for me to go lay in my bed, and at 6:30am when the vomiting hadn't returned I told him I was going to pop a sleeping pill so I could get a few hours sleep. Then BOOM 7am he tossed his cookies again, and then it was done. So he would yell up updates, but eventually my drugs kicked in and I stopped listening. J

Well I guess the boredom got to him, he couldn't sleep as he obviously threw up his medication the night before, so he tried calling his mom to chat but he couldn't reach her, so he called his grandma and proceeded to have an hour long conversation about I am not sure what... but it did include that I had fallen short of my duties, as I was sleeping so he wondered if she could bring him some Gatorade and some ginger ale... I was awoken by the sound of the dog barking, and my son standing in the hallway holding some grocery bags. I am like 'what the hell' and he is all 'grandma is here'. I was pretty out of it, but got up and had a laugh and some shock over his call to arms of grandma.

So grandma and I got him all settled back downstairs in the dark, and later his mom came and brought some more Gravol and Gatorade and had a visit. While my son was in and out of little naps, I made my mom supper and we had a little visit. So from a terrible night came the event I mentioned yesterday, about wanting to see my mom and perhaps have a meal.

My son is now in bed; medicated to the hilt, not sure if that is good or bad I just want him to be able to sleep without anymore throwing up. I think tonight will be better as he didn't do anything today, where as yesterday he did way too much. Slow and easy wins the concussion race...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Just another 'beeping' day of back pain...

Sorry got nothing to give tonight, both because I didn't do anything and because I am in too much pain to sit and write. If I had anything remotely interesting I would take the laptop to bed so I could type, but still nothing to report.

I did have to go to the grocery store for food and drugs - oh what a fun trip...

I would love to report my mood is holding, but it has been kind of up, down, and sideways. Nothing bad, just not elevated, or something - shit not sure how to explain it... But I know lying around in the house all day isn't helping. The pain is not helping. Boredom is not helping. Let's start the 'New Back for Dan Fund'. There must be some place to buy a new back or some heavy duty drugs - damn can't take those. Anyway, through all of the boredom, pain, and weird mood I only had one more suicidal ideation - thankfully very fleeting.

I have nothing planned for tomorrow, so I don't expect I will have anything wonderful to share. I was wishing maybe to have a meal with my mom tomorrow, but I am pretty sure my back won't allow it. But I will keep you posted. J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Nothing Nada Zippo Zilch...

Sorry for this brief post, but my back is in full out attack mode. I can't sit long enough to do any real writing.

Nothing to really report any way, just laid up doing nothing - the end.

My mood is holding, although again I had a moment of suicidal ideation. It was at least briefer then the one yesterday, but still not appreciated.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

You son of a bitch... just kidding

Pretty much a day of sitting and waiting... We got the call this morning announcing the time my son would be having his CT Scan. When we arrived all seemed good with the world - empty waiting room - but alas that was a sham, we were escorted to another waiting room that was not empty. Still there were only two people a head of us, and his scan was only about a half an hour later than scheduled. But although the scan was finished we were not. We were told to go to the Emergency Department and let Triage know that we had the scan and needed to see the doctor to get the results. So we walked over and did as advised - which led to answering all the same questions my son answered yesterday, which led to waiting for Admitting, which led to waiting for a room, which led to waiting for a doctor, which led to finding out the scan was OK, which led to relief and the confirmation of a concussion. So now my son is supposed to spend one full day in bed in the dark doing nothing... Then add an activity ie reading/TV/video game the next day, then add more the next day and so on... This is going to be a lot of work for me. J Although he did tell the doctor he was feeling a bit better today, then he was yesterday. Although it seems when he gets tired it gets a bit worse, so tonight he isn't feeling too tip top.

I then took a break from sitting in hard waiting room chairs, and laid in bed on the heating pad. Following a half hour of that I went to assist my friend. She nicely took me out for supper, and we had a lovely visit during and after...

That was my day... Boring I know, but also uneventful - and all with an elevated mood. My mood is still holding, although I must admit that last night out of the blue I was struck with a suicidal thought. It wasn't fleeting either. It came fast but held on for a while, I actually had to really fight it and then it went away. It was disturbing and scary. I guess it was just a 'friendly' reminder that the illness is there even if the symptoms are being helped. Anyway, hopefully that won't happen often...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Good day had by most, but not all...

Had my rTMS treatment this morning - all went well as usual... Had a chat with my pdoc about my terrible back, we all agree I should be careful as it seems to be getting worse. Things are hopefully progressing in the getting an MRI department - I will keep you posted, but even if I can expedite the MRI I am not sure what the timeline is for meeting with the surgeon??? That being said, if I at least had the MRI it would be easier to pressure the surgeon(s)...

The rest of the day I basically spent in bed on the heating pad - I was saving my back up to go to Jubilations Dinner Theatre, which I did...

So I went with my mom and two sisters to see, 'Jump For Glee' - a musical spoof on the TV show Glee. I have to say it was hilarious. The singing was amazing, as was the acting. The cast mill around and interact with the audience and 'extras' participate as servers, in between the acts. It is a very entertaining, and some time disturbing experience, all and all a great show and a wonderful night. Oh and the food was great too!

Sadly for my son not as great a night, as he spent the entire afternoon and evening at the hospital getting poked and prodded (but mostly waiting) in hopes of discovering why he is still feeling so miserable after his accident. I feel bad I wasn't there, but his mom had his back. He has finally arrived home, he has a CAT Scan scheduled for tomorrow. It is looking like he has 'Post Concussion Syndrome'.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day for all of us - I can still walk after the show, with a lot of help from my cane, and lot of pain; but at least I can still move, just slowly and in small increments. J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...