Feelings... Messed up awful feeeelings...

So nothing to report on my day, as I did nothing except give my niece a ride to a party, well that and my son and I have been playing video games all night...

So I thought I would talk about how I wanted to have a no day today - do nothing and not feel bad about it. Well I got the do nothing part, but damn if I could do it without feeling bad.

I want to talk about this way I have been feeling, but I can't describe it. I tried explaining it to my son, which is when I discovered I have no idea how to put it into words. Maybe I could draw pictures... kidding, I can't draw. So what is it like? It's like... It's like... Damn I don't know. I feel scared, overwhelming guilt, lonely, frustrated, sick to my stomach, like I am going to explode, lost, so lost; all of that and more, at the same time... But none of those words feel like they truly describe how I am feeling. It's like without the deep sadness, I don't know how to feel or be. I feel like I should be doing something, or be somewhere but I don't know where or what. It... I will call it 'IT' since I don't know what else to call it. IT just feels icky, gross, unpleasant, wrong. Man the more I write about it the more I just want to EXPLODE. I don't even know why I am boring you all with this? Is there a point? I guess I don't really know. I guess I hoped by putting it out here, it would feel less powerful. Perhaps I was very much mistaken. I guess I kind of hoped, as I put it in print that I would find the words to describe it and therefore understand it, but no.

 

Well I took a little break from writing, as my niece needed to be picked up. I am not sure if she realises that transporting her was the most exciting part of my day. J We had a nice, albeit short, visit too.

So where was I, right I was boring you all with my trying to figure out why my mind is so 'beeped up'? Let's see if I painted a picture trying to show how I feel what would it look like. I think it would be a big black blob, with a spattering of red. Damn I don't know how to describe this and it's driving me crazy. I really need therapy, there I said it. I have been given a reprieve from the sadness, thanks to the rTMS, now I need help sorting out all these confusing feelings and emotions. Anyone know a good, free therapist? J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...