“Help me if you can I'm feeling down. And I do appreciate you being around. Oh help me get my feet back on the ground. Won't you please, please help me?” the Beatles…

"Help" by the Beatles

SO I had a nice visit with my son. I had a really nice dinner with a good friend and mentor. Came home and wondered if I should take my life – WTF…

This mind I have been blessed/cursed/stuck with is maddening!!!

How can things go from enjoyable to darkness so fast – although I am very thankful that at least I can now enjoy some non-dark moments.

Well that is pretty much ALL I have….

I go for another maintenance treatment tomorrow, then I have two more next week – then none for a week while my pdoc is away gaining more insight into rTMS in the US of A, then upon his return I will be either shifting to once a week or who knows… hmmm

I just keep wondering….What if we would have went one more week? What if we reduced to 4 per week for a few weeks, then 3, etc? What if we never added that new drug? OR is this it…. A little good mixed with a bunch of bad………………………?

I am just not sure. When I am in these moods where suicidal thoughts try and reintroduce themselves I just don’t know if I want to live the rest of my life like this. I know in the morning things may and probably will look different, but seriously I am too tired to fight this fight over and over again.

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

NO MORE FOOD ugh!!!!! Fat = sore back and lame left leg…

I cannot stop eating, even though we have reduced the medication. I haven’t checked to see if like some other medications for mental illness, perhaps it builds up in your system. Don’t care, do care that I am carrying an extra 15lbs over and above the 40lbs that I needed to lose before.

I have to lose 11 times this...

So, those keeping score, I need to lose 55lbs ASAP!

My back is killing me! The extra poundage is affecting the already weak area of my back where I had surgery, and is obviously pinching the nerve, as my left leg is now numb all the way from my ass to my toes. It has also become weak. I fell today, thanks to said leg, trying to step up from the driveway to a grassy area at my pdocs office. Never hurt anything except my pride J…

Today after I went to see my boy at the hospital, (he has a terrible cough) but he said he slept really well after the recent med change, I went for a walk. I hobbled along, but at least I never fell…

I am really tired, not from walking, not from cleaning, or working, or exercise J… I just feel like I am constantly ON, mostly due to crap sleep. I just feel like I don’t get to recharge. I think I am feeling really anxious too, like I am supposed to be somewhere, or do something and I am constantly forgetting.

My buddy (aka the evil landlord) and I are going (I hope) to start a workout protocol – we think we are going to hit the local pool (by local I mean a city aquatic centre 3000 miles from my house that he picked J)……. We are in the process of negotiating dates and times… though I cannot go in the pool until all the weight is gone and I get laser body hair removal – TMI

Before

After

So let’s say we workout thrice a week, and change eating habits – monitor caloric intake, eat healthier, etc... How quickly can a person lose 55lbs?????? Keeping in mind in my world donuts have zero calories, and chocolate bars are better for you than broccoli…

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

What is SAD????? And other useful rantables…

What the hell is with these rant emails or Facebook statuses that are about this cause or that cause and they always end with something like this, “let’s see which of you are proud/brave enough to send it on.  I sadly don't think many will.” If you don’t think anyone will send it on or repost it, or retweet it then why the hell do you even bother posting it. Do they think by saying that they can guilt you into doing it, or some passive-aggressive bullying? What the hell?

Sorry a little off topic, but PLEASE PEOPLE STOP POSTING THOSE J

I had an OK day, until coming home from seeing my son, I felt a bit low and kind of lost.

 

Which is something I am struggling with, normal sadness vs. bipolar depression…??? I think we may have had this talk before, if so sorry. I need to remember to tell my pdoc that my pretreatment foggy brain is back.

Anyway, you norms out there I need some help understanding ‘normal’ sadness??? My ‘sad’ bipolar depression (which is all I am used to), would come out of nowhere, start tearful, turn to blackness and despair, then level off at wanting to kill myself and last forever. Never really knowing where it came from. So when I am low that is where I go. 

Can someone ‘normal’ J non-?BP or clinically depressed, share what ‘sad’ looks like..?

I really need to hit the hay, my brain is melting.

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Another pretty good day (a little shaky in the AM – but got better)… or did it

So I am not sure if it was a good decision or not, but my psychiatrist decreased my Zyprexa from 7.5mg to 5mg, because of the over eating and weight gain, and I find I am in a lot of pain (achy legs – another serious side effect). The reduction didn’t affect the little help with sleep, nor did it dramatically change the binge eating, or the pain…    Soooo I was bad and reduced it to 2.5mg for the past few nights, and I am thinking since doing so I feel a bit brighter, the bingeing has decreased a little more too, not sure about the pain yet. And sleep sucks as always.

Hopefully I am right and the drug was interfering with the benefits of the treatment.

So today I got to see my son (for like two seconds), I finished writing one of the short films I was working on, and I helped, along with my sister and nephew, my mom clean out her spare room closet.

All and all, a pretty good day…  Hopefully tomorrow will be as fruitful. Lots to do, so hopefully I will feel as accomplished, though I just realized I haven’t been exercising (I will blame the weather, to damn cold)!

I read a great article about film funding and work in Edmonton that makes me realize how much I need to hurry and finish my Zombie movie, here is the link:

Edmonton Journal Horror Movies in Deadmonton and new funding

BEEP!!! So as I have discussed before MONEY is a huge trigger for me, and I was sitting here writing this when I thought, shit I should pay some of my bills. I looked at my account and thought OK things are looking promising. I paid a few bills, figured out roughly what I owe the ‘evil’ landlord J…

and BAMO

 there is no money left to live – why the hell do I do this shit before bed… anyway good feelings short lived L

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Who Wants to Clean My House…. And other meaningless crap

So its fricking cold out – blowing snow and just plain gross!

Which means, people should be bored, and what better thing to do to pass the time but CLEAN MY HOUSE and what the hay you might as well cook for me too – but first you will need to buy groceries. J

I have been feeling pretty good today – got out, saw my son, all and all a pretty good day. So today is a great day to remind people (rTMS) is AWESOME!!!!!!!!! If I could just get some sleep things would almost be perfect (almost)… Good sign if I can feel like this with only two treatments this past week, things may really improve.  Join me on my rollercoaster ride.  ;)

 

I did some writing today – a bit challenging, as I usually come up with my own stories, but this one is a short based on a story treatment of a friend of mine. Challenge is good – writing is awesome. Maybe tomorrow night I will build a fire, move the comfy chair next to the fireplace (not too close J ) and do some hardcore writing – get the short done. I guess I actually have two shorts on the go – so work on both shorts – and possibly work on my Zombie movie – I love my Zombie movie. I really want to get it finished – you will love it too (maybe).

 

I keep thinking there is something I want to share with you all, but it escapes me…?

I am thinking maybe (please tell me if you think it may be too soon) about looking in to ways to meet people (specifically female people wink, wink)..? I don’t know? I want to be very stable before I meet anyone. But honestly I have no idea where to meet women………………………………….. and I am pretty sure I am not looking for something super serious.

OUCH

And further to this I pose this question: to vasectomy or not to vasectomy that is the question?

No seriously any thoughts on that?  I honestly do NOT want any more kids. Not because I don’t like kids, but because I like the two I have and don’t want anymore!!!!

Wow too personal much Dan… lol I am an open book.

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

An interesting day….

So we had a family meeting for my son at the hospital – he really is a good kid (just like his dad J )

He gets a day pass tomorrow for 4 hours, so him and I will run and eat at a Chinese buffet, and I am sure he will play lots of drums after that…

He will then hopefully be able to have another one on Sunday. There is still no plan for when he is getting out, but I am glad he is in there they are giving him some great help!!!!!!

I went out for coffee this evening with an old friend, nice change of pace.

My mood is holding pretty good today, strange the way it works… Went out, did some writing, very interesting……….

Whoa my blog has almost had 2000 hits..... way cool

Here are all the countries it has been read to date:

Argentina

Australia

Bangladesh

Brazil

Bulgaria

Cambodia

Canada

Czech Republic

Estonia

Georgia

Germany

India

Iraq

Italy

Malaysia

Mexico

Mongolia

Netherlands

Pakistan

Russia

Tanzania

Ukraine

United Kingdom

United States

So amazing!!!

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

The struggle of one can become the savior of many… Read, write, and share!!!

"Maybe you'll be someone who becomes so passionate about a cause that you single-handedly change the world. But even if you aren't, if you take action, even a small one, you will make a difference."

Mark Black

"There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot." Plato

"Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today." Benjamin Franklin

"That some achieve great success, is proof to all that others can achieve it as well." Abraham Lincoln

“Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” Albert Einstein

“Every artist was first an amateur.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Horace Bushnell 

“The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.” Horace Bushnell

We can believe the words of others, or we can mock them for their ignorance of what conflict we may face. I want to stop mocking, I want to do.

I have the desire to change things. I have the ideas, and the dreams. What I lack is the ability. When I say ability, I do not mean skills. Skills can be learned. What I mean is the drive. I can even say I have the passion, so much passion it hurts. The inability to act on these dreams, these desires, physically pains me.

I can say to you, without great certain, that I can be almost anything I want. I do not mean to sound arrogant, but I was once an extremely smart guy, perhaps that intelligence is still there.  

Sorry for this but…. What the fuck is wrong with me? (Stupid question I know, as we do know what is wrong with me, ugh)

BUT

There has to be something I can do to take that first step. To make the move towards producing who I want to be.

And NO to those couple of people reading this, just saying do it, or get off your ass, or we all have problems just suck it up… you know who you are. It isn’t that easy. If it was I would have fricken taken over the world by now.

I need some help here people. I don’t need another famous or not so famous quote of encouragement. I honestly need some physical assistance.

That writing club my friend and I joined might be a bust, as she had to leave town, and it was creepy enough that I don’t think I want to go back by my lonesome.

Would anyone be interested in starting a writing group, or book group, or cookie baking group (screw the baking group that sounds like a lot of cleaning) how about a writing group where we eat cookies – AWESOME!!!! J

I think I shall finish the show I PVR’d and head to bed, another day of struggle and frustration awaits.

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Hey ALL…. UGH damn IT!

Can you say shitty?

I don’t know what’s up, but I am having a crap day (well I know part of what it is).

Any little thing is setting me off. I’m not in a deep depression, but I’m beeping sad. I feel tearful, and I have to admit I have been having serious suicidal thoughts.

I know I am not a complete failure of a father, but I do feel I have failed my children. All parents want the best for their kids, I am no different, and I did not give my kids everything they needed. They both deserved so much more. They deserved happiness, good things, fun, and loads of love. Why couldn’t I have helped them more, provided more???

If I did more, sooner, perhaps my son wouldn’t be where he is… He is one smart person (almost as smart as his father J ) and could, can, and I am sure will achieve whatever he wants, but why didn’t I, as his father, make sure more resources were available to him sooner.

Right now I feel like a useless, stupid, piece of shit… That is how I feel. The negative thoughts are in full swing… I will not, cannot achieve anything. Wow… this is starting to feel like a pretreatment rant.

SUBJECT CHANGE

Driving… Why the hell do they let STUPID people drive? They will give anyone a license. Hello Mr or Ms in front of 10 cars, in the fast lane – driving 10 kilometers under the speed limit, get the hell out of the way freak!!!!! Drive slow on your own time!!! Actually look there is a brick wall, save us all and drive into it!  End scene…

OK folks I guess I am going to go hit the hay. I need this day to be over. I am going to get my last treatment of the week tomorrow, and go visit my son – and no I don’t think I will bother telling my pdoc. I know I should, but I am sooooooooo tired of this game.

Please remember people I completely support rTMS, but like all treatments they can’t always be 100% for 100% of the people. I am not sure if we should have gone for a week longer, or if I shouldn’t have taken the new medication, or if this is all there is???????????????

Insert sarcastic happy face here à

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Sunshine on a cloudy day…. SNOW on the weekend NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So in only 2 weeks (since I started Zyprexa) I have gained 14 pounds.  FOURTEEN!!!! Stupid drugs! I have started another drug to try and stop the side effect of weight gain of the Zyprexa UGH.

My son is still in the hospital, I will hopefully be meeting his assigned psychiatrist tomorrow at a Family Meeting.

 I guess I am as good as I am going to be BUT….  I must tell you – sure I am not super happy, and not looking for a job or starting back at school, nor do I have the drive to take on the world BUT…  I am not sad, I am handling my son’s situation without the constant thought of suicide and tears. I would still HIGHLY recommend rTMS to EVERYONE suffering from depression and bipolar disorder…

So folks (those of you in Alberta anyway) we need to start a letter writing campaign to the Premier, the Health Minister, and your MLA to include coverage of rTMS under Alberta Health Care.

Contact Premier's Office: Premier Alison Redford

Mail: Office of the Premier Room 307, Legislature Building 10800-97 Avenue Edmonton, Alberta T5K 2B7

Email:  http://alberta.ca/premier_contact.cfm

Contact Minister of Health and Wellness: The Honourable Fred Horne

Mail: Legislature Office 208 Legislature Building 10800 - 97 Avenue NW Edmonton, AB Canada T5K 2B6

Phone: (780) 427-3665

Fax: (780) 415-0961

**I need to call his office to get his email address

MLA List:

MLA List Link

Let us see what we can do… the Premier tweets perhaps we can get her there too. This is a Premier that is not afraid to spend money, but I do not know the process in getting thing added to the covered items under Alberta Health.

Once I get my letters written I will post them on here too………

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

MANIA a very interesting – I wish I had more experience with it…

Sorry about the slowdown in writing. My son maturely, and thankfully, decided he needed to go the hospital, as he wasn't feeling safe.  He was admitted yesterday. They have increased one of his medications, as they can monitor him closely while he is there. He has not met the psychiatrist that he has been assigned due to the long weekend. He will meet her tomorrow, at which time I hope we will find out how long he will be in there and what the plan is. Thanks to the rTMS, I am handling this situation quite well. Pre rTMS I would have been crying my eyes out, and completely lost. With rTMS I am able to hold it together, and stay strong working towards helping my son.

I promised/mentioned that I would talk about my ‘hypomania’.  I must admit I have had very few episodes. The most common symptom I have been blessed with is over spending. Money is a trigger, too little money I crash and burn (complete and udder darkness – then the suicide thoughts). If I have a little bit of money, I have the need to spend. When I shop I get a high, it makes me feel good. Then when I get home, and look at the stuff and my empty bank account I once again crash. I have wasted loads of money and credit over the years – LOADS of credit… I am sorry I cannot describe it more clearly. I can hear some peoples thoughts as they are reading this, “I love shopping for new things and I buy things even if I don’t have the money”… It’s not the same – mine is an uncontrollable compulsion. I cannot (or could not as hopefully we have this under control now), stop myself.  No one can stop me.  Just ask my mom, she has witnessed this way too many times.

A couple of other episodes have included anger. I am not generally an angry kind of guy, in fact I am pretty laid back (except when I drive). During these angry hypo episodes, I become very irritable, and snap very easily. Thankfully they haven’t happened very often.

Other episodes (which sadly I loved) had me feeling energized, ready to take over the world. The most recent occurred suddenly. I think it was around the last or second last treatment.  I was driving home from a late movie, and boom all of a suddenly I was the best driver in the world ever. I stomped on my gas pedal, and took off. I sped home at high speeds, zipping around the other cars. Thankfully I survived, I guess… The time before that I will assume was when I thought the treatment worked 2 years ago. I was feeling like I just mentioned, plus things felt clearer. The sun shone brighter, and felt warmer. Food tasted better, my daughter was funnier (kidding kid) J Sometimes I don’t know when I am having one… so it’s hard to recall them all.

My psychiatrist explained that manic episodes are not only dangerous, but also damage your brain.  Please read this article: Brain Damage From Bipolar Disorder Written by John McMan

Here are some other interesting links:

A curious documentary:

Flight From Darkness: Bipolar Disorder Documentary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mChUdv7PN6s

We need this in Canada:

http://bringchange2mind.org

Glenn Close and her sister who suffers with bipolar:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5pwkV5cjx4

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Sorry Blog Readers - crazy time = no post... tomorrow I promise

Sorry everyone...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Strange Day....

Sorry folks only a quick post - My son went into the hospital today, as he wasn't feeling safe.

I will post more tomorrow, when I know more.

Thank you for your understanding...

Tomorrow's post will be about my hypomania.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Time to Accept Reality and a Couple of More Scenes……

Well my pdoc and I both agree that perhaps when I got rTMS 2 years ago, when I felt so good that I probably had a hypomanic episode. Which means what I have now, is basically what I can expect as far as relief from my symptoms.

What does that mean…. I am not sure – right now I need to work on sleep, exercise and life. The new drug he put me on to help with sleep (Zyprexa), I found out today, causes weight gain – awesome, NOT. I cannot stop eating. Even though I may feel so full that I’m going to explode, I still can’t stop eating. My pdoc said he has even had some patients that even if it didn’t increase their appetite they still gained weight. Yippy! Anyway, he has giving me a prescript for something that is supposed to help with that side effect. I will tell you the name after I get it filled, since I cannot read his writing. J The drug is actually used for acid reflux…. We will see how that plays out……………………………………………

So here are scene 2 and 3 of the short I started writing as a spoof of my rTMS treatments………

A Magnetic Personality ©

By Dan Routly

2 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- AFTERNOON

 The sun is shines through a large window, laminating a normal hospital room.  A single bed, night stand, tray table, and a couple of chairs for visitors fill the space.  Nathan is laying in the bed, out cold.  There is a nurse milling about checking his IV, blood pressure, heart rate etc. As the nurse fluffs his pillow Nathan stirs, and mumbles something.  

NURSE 1

(leaning over Nathan she puts her ear closer to his mouth)

Nathan what did you say?

She waits a beat to see if he repeats what he had mumbled, but nothing.

CUT TO:

3 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY

We see out the window a cloudy day.  There is another nurse milling about, doing similar things as the nurse in the previous scene.  This nurse seems to be a little rougher and angrier then the other one.  Instead of fluffing Nathan's pillow under his head, she wrenches it from under him and lets his head bounce back down onto the mattress.  She slaps the pillow a few times, then roughly pulls up his head and stuffs it back under him.  Just as she lets his head fall back down onto the pillow Nathan lets out a scream.  The nurse falls backwards, and smashes into the tray table sending it and everything lying on top of it flying.  The nurse gets up from the ground. Her face is flush with surprise, anger, and embarrassment.  She makes her way over to Nathan, and appears about to hit him when another nurse runs into the room.

NURSE 3

(alarm in her voice)

What the hell happened?

Nurse 2 straightens up her uniform, and forces a smile to her face.

NURSE 2

(her teeth clenched)

Nothing I was just checking on the patient, when he suddenly let out a scream and startled me.

Nurse 2 heads to the door, and looks back at the other nurse (who is visibly younger than nurse 2).

NURSE 2

(she looks from nurse 3 to the fallen tray table and all of the items strewn over the floor)

I am sure you can handle this.

Nurse 2 leaves the room.  Nurse 3 makes a rude gesture at the empty doorway.

CUT TO:

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Life – to participate or not to participate that is the question..?

I'm not suicidal, much (not worrisome wise anyway)… I am not really sad, just kind of blah. I have NO drive. There is so much I want to do, but I find it impossible to get started. And I am pretty lonely - but still just want to hide...

I reorganized my bedroom – and destroyed my back, I can barely walk. Maybe the change up will help my sleeping, or something.

I had thought of something to write earlier today, however, sitting down at this crap computer I cannot remember, ugh…

So here is scene 1 of the short I started writing as a spoof of my rTMS treatments………

  

A Magnetic Personality©

By Dan Routly

1 INT. HOSPITAL EMERGENCY ROOM -- NIGHT

POV of Nathan bright lights, but out of focus, we see the chaotic movement of nurses and doctors.  Nathan, is in and out of consciousness, the screen goes dark when he is out.  We hear bits and pieces of what the nurses and doctors say when his eyes are open.

EMERGENCY DOCTOR 1

(controlledpanic)

We need to get him intubated stat.

EMERGENCY NURSE 1

(handing the doctor the intubation equipment)

Here doctor.

Darkness after a beat Nathan's eyes open still blurred brightness and shadows.

EMERGENCY NURSE 2

(panicked)

Doctor we are losing him.

EMERGENCY NURSE 1

(controlled panic)

His blood pressure is dropping doctor.

Darkness after a beat Nathan's eyes open still blurred brightness and shadows.

EMERGENCY DOCTOR 1

(yelling to anyone)

I need more charcoal.

Darkness after a beat Nathan's eyes open still blurred brightness and shadows.

EMERGENCY DOCTOR 1

(yelling to Emergency Nurse 1)

We need the crash cart.

Darkness after a beat Nathan's eyes open, once more and we see the shadowy movements of the nurses and doctors.  We hear the heart monitor beeping a slow rhythm.  The rhythm is slowing, slowing, flat line...

FADE OUT:

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

A No Treatment Day, but Plenty of Activity… and let's talk about SEX baby

First off I edited yesterdays post to include the pictures I took at Bowness Park.  I was unable to get them off my phone yesterday, so please go take a look.

Today, as mentioned in the title of this post, was a no treatment day. I did, however, end up having a full and productive day. I was able to assist in completing and submitting a broadcast/funding proposal for a documentary, and I got to help out a couple of friends.

My treatment for tomorrow Thursday Feb 16 has been postponed to Friday Feb 17. I am not sure how I feel about this happening. I might ask my pdoc to do one more week of three treatments (I think I may have already mentioned that to you sorry).

SEX – LOVE – and everything in between…

So here is some of the lowdown on me and sex, love, etc. Bipolar is a strange disease that as I am sure you are aware by reading my blog and the links I have included – everyone is different. Sure there may be some similarities, but much of the symptoms manifest in different ways. What I am trying to say is that what I share may be completely different for another person with Bipolar Disorder II.

 Let’s start with relationships: I fall in love FAST. Yes deep forever L O V E, in as quick as one date. When this happens I become completely vulnerable, because my love comes at a hefty price. When I am in a relationship or in my little world ‘love’, I devote everything to that person, my time, my money, my soul. I set myself up for not only failure of the relationship, but also pain and humiliation. I want to spend every waking minute with that person, and when they don’t want the same I automatically think that they don’t like me/that I did something wrong/that I am unlovable. This need for constant reassurance obviously has a huge negative effect on the relationship. When the person starts to pull away, I go into this strange place where the automatic belief is they must be cheating on me. Once that seed is planted in my brain it starts to grow immediately, and there is no stopping it. Like a cancer it destroys all rational thinking, and manifests in every conversation and action I have with the person. It becomes an obsession that ultimately destroys the relationship. Obviously a huge part of these irrational thoughts comes from not only my illness, but also my low to no self esteem.  And when that relationship ends, I am totally and absolutely devastated. I go into complete meltdown, and self destruct.

So let’s say by some miracle the relationship does last, well another factor to this wonderful illness (again perhaps only for me) is an insatiable need for sex. With most people if they get sad or depressed the last thing they want to do is have sex, well I am the opposite. When I am in my depressions I want more and more sex. Now I know what you are thinking – all men want sex all the time – well that may be true, but this hunger/desire/need goes way deeper than a typical man’s usual fondness for sex. Don’t get me wrong, my partners are looked after, it’s not like jump on, jump off I am done good night. When I say sex, it is actually making love. Like I said, I fall in love fast… Man there is so much I want to say about this, but should plead the fifth – as not to incriminate myself. I am not implying I did anyone harm, because that is not the case – again in my BP II mind I am always making love. I see it as this amazing connection between two people, quite miraculous. I do also believe I am addicted to the feeling of those sensual moments of bonding, and the incredible feeling during orgasm.  Addiction is very much a common thread with this illness –I have been very fortunate. Many people with BP II become addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. I was lucky that I did not go down that path.

Now of course I am hoping with the treatments that the above issues are resolved, at least to some extent. I am not in a relationship right now (for obvious reasons), so I am unable to test the progress. I can tell you the sex thing has not been rectified at the time of writing this post.

Well I guess that is about as much as I feel OK with sharing… J

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Still waiting for that BIG moment – something is telling me it isn’t coming…

Second last treatment of the week – nothing exciting to report, although I did get the exercise talk again J

After the treatment, I dragged my tired and sore legs and my ever painful back to Bowness Park for another 30 minute walk. I took these photos, while on my journey. Sorry they are not all that great, but I was using my phone. Also sorry for the strange way the pictures are published below - I tried for something better, but what you see is what I got.

 So I told you about my childhood (well what I could remember), and my teenage years. I am not sure how much I have or have not shared about my family. Originally when I started writing this post I was thinking about opening up about sex and bipolar (well my sex and my bipolar). Then I was thinking that might be a bad idea as once something is out there in cyber-world, it is OUT THERE…. for good.

Anyway, back to my family makeup - I am the youngest of five children. I have a brother, and three sisters (plus my dad adopted a boy and a girl – so I guess half sister and half brother). My parents separated when I was around ten. There are a whole host of reasons why, but that is not my story to tell. My father remarried, my mom did not. My brother and one of my sisters are married. My other sisters are no longer married. I have four nephews, and five nieces. I also have four great-nephews (one of which is also my half brother) and five great-nieces (one of which is also my half sister). I, like most people, have a dysfunctional family.

A curious side note: I found out on a road trip, with my now ex-wife, her daughter (who is now my daughter), and my mom that I was an accident (I was 18 or 19 at the time I found out). I took the news pretty hard – and for many reasons I still feel bad that I came into the world at that time, I am thinking that would have been a bad time for my mom. We lived on a quiet crescent (in the same house for my entire childhood). We also lived across the alley from my Grandma and Grandpa’s house – they were a huge part of my life. I love and miss them greatly. I had two super close friends, one lived next door to me and the other lived across the street. In fact one of them was born four days after me, in the same hospital. We were very close up until grade seven.

I am not sure why I am boring you all with this. I guess just so you have some background on the mush that is me.

More again soon… Perhaps next time we can talk about my ‘love’ life, a little more PG than ‘sex’ Life.

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

PS Happy Valentine’s Day