Today had a lacklustre start – I did attempt to stay in bed
for the day, but (thanks to my son) I did finally drag my ass out of bed around
2pm. I had the most amazing sleep last night possibly from 3am to 10am (yes
that is right about 7 hours of continuous sleep) – of course to achieve this I
was bad and added a sleeping pill to the mix of drugs I take for sleep.
So I get up, and I wonder what the hell – where is the
happiness, energy, and drive I was hoping for post treatment… I still do not
know – I have to wonder if this is all there is, perhaps hanging around and
fighting this fight was maybe not worth it. I will obviously talk to my pdoc
tomorrow, and see what he says – perhaps we should have done one more full
week, too late for that now.
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| Bowness Park |
Anyway, I saw that it was +7c (45f) today, and tried to get
my son to go for a walk – I had to hear how I need to learn to do stuff without
him, what will I do when he moves out, and such J So I figured I could just lay around and watch TV or
clean or write, and decided to go for a walk (thank you Ren). I was somewhat lazy in that I
drove to the city park near me, but in my defense I hate walking around the neighborhood,
and the park has paths through wooded areas, along the river, and next to a
large lagoon. Anyway, I took a 30 minute walk around the park with music blaring
in my ears, it was strangely OK… Would I
do it again, possibly – perhaps after my treatment tomorrow, I can stop by
there and take another little walk (weather pending)… J
There was a comment on my blog with some great questions: Thank
you for the q’s AJ… I will endeavor to
answer them (I really do thank you for them, I am more than happy to share my
experiences in hoping to help others).
AJ asks, “One thing I
want to hear about is your childhood and your time in high school. Things you
felt when you didn't know what was "wrong" but knew something was
"wrong". I would also like to hear more about relationships, why some
have been able to last, why some failed.”
My early childhood memories are very limited. I remember
throwing up all over my desk in grade one, because a kid in a desk not too far
from mine picked his nose and ate it ugh. I have a small recognition of grade 3,
only two moments - one a very happy memory of winning a stuffed bunny. Our
school had an Easter contest that you had to name a large stuffed bunny in the
library. The best name would win a cute little stuffed bunny. I was that winner!!!
– I believe “Cherry Nose”, was my entry. I know I was having a lot of problems at
that time, because I remember my teacher being so excited before they made the
announcement. I have a blurry vision of her staring at me when the PA system
came on, and she had a huge smile. She was the best teacher ever. My other
grade 3 memory was of – damn this is the most embarrassing thing ever - I was terrified
of the wind, I have no idea why, or when it started. K, the scary part is that
isn’t the embarrassing part J
For some reason – again I have no idea
why – but I decided that if I was wearing an ‘onion sack’ yes you read
correctly I wore a mesh onion sack over my head, as a mask, and felt invincible.
I was able to go outside in the wind. I was able to play sports. It really
seemed to protect me. Wow – now the world knows J 
Sadly I only have a few other snapshots of my childhood –
crying in the bathroom at home blaming myself for my parents separating; eating
a lunch or two at my grandma and grandpa’s house; sitting by my dad’s dad in
the hospital – he gives me his chocolate pudding; laying on the couch crying
because he died and I never really got to know him; feeling scared of
everything – afraid to play sports, afraid to go outside, so much fear and
sadness. I remember stealing Tylenol 3 pills from my mom and my grandpa –
mostly I took from him, as he had a huge (seemed huge to me) bottle in his
bathroom. I was around 11 or 12. I started taking one or two for a while to
help me forget my pain, and sleep – I found it impossible to fall asleep. I
remember being overwhelmed by tears, bad thoughts, and sad thoughts every
night. I gradually increased the number of pills I would take, until there was
a period I was taking 10 to 12 per night. I believe now that I was hoping not
to wake up. I am not sure when I finally
stopped.
To AJ and all, I will talk about my ‘teenage’ years and
relationships in another post…
Talk to y’all tomorrow…
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