Hey ALL…. UGH damn IT!

Can you say shitty?

I don’t know what’s up, but I am having a crap day (well I know part of what it is).

Any little thing is setting me off. I’m not in a deep depression, but I’m beeping sad. I feel tearful, and I have to admit I have been having serious suicidal thoughts.

I know I am not a complete failure of a father, but I do feel I have failed my children. All parents want the best for their kids, I am no different, and I did not give my kids everything they needed. They both deserved so much more. They deserved happiness, good things, fun, and loads of love. Why couldn’t I have helped them more, provided more???

If I did more, sooner, perhaps my son wouldn’t be where he is… He is one smart person (almost as smart as his father J ) and could, can, and I am sure will achieve whatever he wants, but why didn’t I, as his father, make sure more resources were available to him sooner.

Right now I feel like a useless, stupid, piece of shit… That is how I feel. The negative thoughts are in full swing… I will not, cannot achieve anything. Wow… this is starting to feel like a pretreatment rant.

SUBJECT CHANGE

Driving… Why the hell do they let STUPID people drive? They will give anyone a license. Hello Mr or Ms in front of 10 cars, in the fast lane – driving 10 kilometers under the speed limit, get the hell out of the way freak!!!!! Drive slow on your own time!!! Actually look there is a brick wall, save us all and drive into it!  End scene…

OK folks I guess I am going to go hit the hay. I need this day to be over. I am going to get my last treatment of the week tomorrow, and go visit my son – and no I don’t think I will bother telling my pdoc. I know I should, but I am sooooooooo tired of this game.

Please remember people I completely support rTMS, but like all treatments they can’t always be 100% for 100% of the people. I am not sure if we should have gone for a week longer, or if I shouldn’t have taken the new medication, or if this is all there is???????????????

Insert sarcastic happy face here à

Talk to y’all tomorrow…