First off I edited yesterdays post to include the pictures I
took at Bowness Park. I was unable to
get them off my phone yesterday, so please go take a look.
Today, as mentioned in the title of this post, was a no
treatment day. I did, however, end up having a full and productive day. I was able to
assist in completing and submitting a broadcast/funding proposal for a
documentary, and I got to help out a couple of friends.
My treatment for tomorrow Thursday Feb 16 has been postponed
to Friday Feb 17. I am not sure how I feel about this happening. I might ask my
pdoc to do one more week of three treatments (I think I may have already
mentioned that to you sorry).
SEX – LOVE – and everything in between…
So here is some of the lowdown on me and sex, love, etc.
Bipolar is a strange disease that as I am sure you are aware by reading my blog
and the links I have included – everyone is different. Sure there may be some similarities,
but much of the symptoms manifest in different ways. What I am trying to say is
that what I share may be completely different for another person with Bipolar
Disorder II.
Let’s start with
relationships: I fall in love FAST. Yes deep forever L O V E, in as quick as
one date. When this happens I become completely vulnerable, because my love
comes at a hefty price. When I am in a relationship or in my little world ‘love’,
I devote everything to that person, my time, my money, my soul. I set myself up
for not only failure of the relationship, but also pain and humiliation. I want
to spend every waking minute with that person, and when they don’t want the
same I automatically think that they don’t like me/that I did something
wrong/that I am unlovable. This need for constant reassurance obviously has a
huge negative effect on the relationship. When the person starts to pull away,
I go into this strange place where the automatic belief is they must be cheating
on me. Once that seed is planted in my brain it starts to grow immediately, and
there is no stopping it. Like a cancer it destroys all rational thinking, and manifests
in every conversation and action I have with the person. It becomes an obsession
that ultimately destroys the relationship. Obviously a huge part of these
irrational thoughts comes from not only my illness, but also my low to no self esteem.
And when that relationship ends, I am
totally and absolutely devastated. I go into complete meltdown, and self destruct.
So let’s say by some miracle the relationship does last,
well another factor to this wonderful illness (again perhaps only for me) is an
insatiable need for sex. With most people if they get sad or depressed the last
thing they want to do is have sex, well I am the opposite. When I am in my
depressions I want more and more sex. Now I know what you are thinking – all men
want sex all the time – well that may be true, but this hunger/desire/need goes
way deeper than a typical man’s usual fondness for sex. Don’t get me wrong, my
partners are looked after, it’s not like jump on, jump off I am done good
night. When I say sex, it is actually making love. Like I said, I fall in love
fast… Man there is so much I want to say about this, but should plead the fifth
– as not to incriminate myself. I am not implying I did anyone harm, because
that is not the case – again in my BP II mind I am always making love. I see it
as this amazing connection between two people, quite miraculous. I do also
believe I am addicted to the feeling of those sensual moments of bonding, and
the incredible feeling during orgasm. Addiction
is very much a common thread with this illness –I have been very fortunate.
Many people with BP II become addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. I was
lucky that I did not go down that path.
Now of course I am hoping with the treatments that the above
issues are resolved, at least to some extent. I am not in a relationship right
now (for obvious reasons), so I am unable to test the progress. I can tell you
the sex thing has not been rectified at the time of writing this post.
Well I guess that is about as much as I feel OK with sharing…
J
Talk to y’all tomorrow…
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