House clean, new propane tank purchased and filled. A boring, but somewhat accomplished day...

So I have to admit I basically did most of the cleaning over the past hour - not sure what I did the rest of the day, except feel bad about how beautiful the day was and I was wasting it sitting in the house. Regardless the house is pretty clean now, save for some storage issues. I took one of the propane tanks to be filled only to find out it expired in 2005... So I had to buy a new one and get that filled - hello who sells new empty tanks - Coop does, just so you know... Cause I am sure everyone is clamoring to buy empty propane tanks, who wouldn't... J

My mood is good, holding steady, although my son was concerned that I am fidgety, and wondered if I was touching on manic. I don't think I am. Life doesn't seem to be all rainbows and unicorns, and I don't feel like I could take on the world. Really though it is something we need to watch since I am not really on much medication, and as good as mania can feel it is very damaging to your brain - which sucks. I think we will know by way of my motivation - if I start to want to take on lots of stuff - which I am sure you all know by now is way out of character - then we should be concerned... J

Tomorrow is July first Canada Day and more importantly my birthday - I am wondering, if I stay in bed all day does that mean I don't have to count this birthday??? I think I have had enough birthdays. I don't feel old, but my birth certificate says otherwise. So if the saying is true 'you're only as old as you feel' then I am twelve so suck it! That is of course if you are talking mentality, physically I feel about 80...

I think I am going to go hang out with my son for a bit, not sure what we will do perhaps some more Rock Band... J

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Happy Canada Day long weekend people...

Had a great start to the long weekend, I got an early birthday present from a generous friend. What you ask? You did ask, right? Yeah anyway even if you didn't, I got my first Apple product - an iPad... Yes I said I was given an iPad, a most generous gift. Now I just need to learn how to use it - I am pretty sure I am up for the challenge. J

Had a very good day. My mood is holding strong I can 'almost' use the H word... For the first time in almost forever I kind of almost feel 'happy'. I am scared to put it in print, I don't want to jinx it, but I feel pretty good. I am still struggling with the anxiety and drive, as mentioned in other posts, but it's nice to have a good mood. One step at a time...

I didn't have any plans for the weekend, but I spoke to my mom today and I guess we are having my birthday supper, at my house, on Sunday, lol. So tomorrow I will get the house cleaned and fill the propane tank. Hopefully the gas station up the hill has that switch out the tank program - I think it would probably be cheaper to go get it filled at Coop, but the only one I know for sure fills them is way up in Glenbrook - blah on lots of driving...

So I hope everyone has an awesome and safe long weekend...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

What was this like my hundredth rTMS maintenance treatment???

I am just hoping my pdoc can live with this new schedule he initiated - that being two treatments one week, followed by one the next week - so far it is actually working... My mood is holding, I just need to work on my socializing - or lack thereof- and my motivation - or lack thereof... J

I went for my treatment this morning, and came home did the usual eat breakfast and end up back in bed thanks to the exhaustion of both the treatment and the fact I didn't get any sleep last night - literally only a few hours of broken sleep. Of course although I went back to bed, and could not keep my eyes open, I could not sleep... ugh Hoping to go to bed early tonight, as I have a full day tomorrow - although my son has decided we should play Rock Band before we go to bed...

The treatment went well this morning, it was another new nurse - but he seemed to find the proper location and did test my threshold to make sure the settings were still correct - so all is well. I actually felt a bit of a charge about three or four hours after my treatment, and still feel pretty good at writing this post. Hopefully this will be a good long weekend. I sadly have no plans - as usual - but perhaps my son and I can do something. I should fill up the propane tank and invite my mom over for a bbq - hmmm??? We shall see, like I said tomorrow is a full day so not sure I would be able to get it filled and I bet there will be a line up of people on the weekend... ugh times two. Anyway, I best end it there or my early night will be anything but...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Howdy ALL...

No I am not starting early on my Calgary Stampeding. Just at a loss for a title for this post.

I had a good day, spent most of it in bed with the heating pad - sorry anybody that called or text me, I am not ignoring you just hiding from the pain. PS I almost missed my family doc appointment because the power must have gone off in the middle of the night and messed up my alarm clock. Very strange...

The doc appointment went well. He is going to refer me to that spine clinic. I did find it very strange that he didn't actually check me out, he didn't make me do any of the reflex or bending tests. He did ask me to explain the pain, but anyway he is very nice. He suggested I try taking two extra strength Tylenol four times a day to see if that helps with the pain (I have tried Tylenol before but never that much - so we will see), and I am to book another appointment in two weeks. If no change, he is thinking of sending me for cortisone injections. I tried them after my first surgery, and they didn't work BUT that was probably due to the fact I had an infection that they were not aware of... I am like bring it on, I'll try almost anything. Needles in my back, who cares. J

My son and I came home and he 'forced' me to play a video game 'Mafia 2' - I spent the next three hours playing it and forgot about supper - terrible father... We have since eaten, and after I finish this post I am probably going to play a little longer. Not too long as I have an rTMS treatment tomorrow morning... J

I am enjoying this better mood, but still battling the anxiety demon that prevents me from going out and spending time with people - just easier and safer to stay home. I really need to work on that, my son reminded me I should be happy people invite me to spend time with them and that I should embrace that - I agree! Now to just put that 'thought' 'belief' 'idea' into practise. I must apologise to those people - you know who you are. I am sorry! Baby steps I guess. Just don't give up on me people, things are looking up - if I can just get this back pain under control perhaps I can take over the world...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A full day...

I spent the day helping my friend, not sure I was much help - may have made more of a mess then done anything else. J

Then I went and picked up my son from his appointment, then spent the next HOUR in traffic - to drive what would normally be about 15 minutes. We did some exciting grocery shopping (and picked up some drugs - nothing good mind you), followed by me getting him a video game that he has been wanting. I figured with all the help he has been since my back issue, I really owed him. Once I got home I headed to bed with the heating pad (not that it makes the pain go away, but laying down does give a little relief - not completely, but a little)...

My mood has been holding at good, I guess. Still no suicidal thoughts - crazy must be at a huge record for number of days without those. We have an appointment with our new family doctor tomorrow. As I am sure I have mentioned before I need to bring him up to speed on my back and see if he will refer me to that spine clinic. I have no idea what his thoughts might be on the subject, but I am unsure of how I will survive this pain through to November. Not only that, but the November appointment with the surgeon is only a consultation - there is no guarantee they will even do anything... Not sure if the surgeon just thinks I am making this shit up, or they are seriously backlogged.

Well I will hopefully have some good news following the appointment tomorrow - if not L

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

June 25 already, summer is flying by...

I went for my rTMS treatment this morning, it went well, but I am not sure if the placement was right on. I don't like the fact that I am now having a different person each time I go in. I had that same issue when I went to Ponoka for treatments. Sometimes you come out wondering if you just wasted a treatment. Before they increased the frequency of the pulses I knew exactly when it was right on the target, but now it's not as easy... 

My mood is less elevated then a few days ago, but hopefully it is still my back issues. Anyway, after the treatments I came home and went straight to bed with the heating pad. As usual two hours after the treatment I was wiped out, and crashed off and on for a couple of hours. Stupid sleep why do you elude me, even when I am exhausted...

The rest of the day was more lying down. I feel terrible about all this time wasted lying around, but the pain is just too much to handle. But I am sure you figured that out by all my whining. I really don't have anything else to share. Tomorrow I am off to help my friend again - I just hope my back can handle it...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A pleasurable Sunday...

The family picnic was very nice, got to reconnect with extended family, and my brother and 2 of my 3 sisters, plus some of their children and their children's children. J It was a pretty good turnout especially for my immediate family, even my son attended.  It was a good potluck meal as always. My son and I made KFC. My aunt made her famous potato salad, very tasty. There was also a nice selection of desserts. 

Then the rain stopped and we were able to go outside and visit. All would have been super great, if not for my damn back, but excluding that it was a great success. Everyone seemed to have a nice time. I took a few, very few, pictures. They are the photos posted here. The creek was actually a river thanks to all the rain... I noticed the bench there dedicated to my grandparents desperately needs to be sanded and recoated - something we need to do sooner than later. Once the weather clears up, we will have to make that effort.

When we got home I went straight to bed with the heating pad, I can barely move. My sister gave me some medicinal gel (Voltaren) to try for the pain. So far no relief, but I have only tried it once so far. I really want to take some pain medication, I am fighting back tears the pain is so excruciating. Whatever, my mood is still OK, not as good as it was a few days ago, but not as bad as it was before. Still no suicidal thoughts, so bonus...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A chillaxed kind of day...

Well I didn't actually hide in bed all day, but I did sleep in. The rest of the day was spent doing various chores like laundry, washing dishes, and vacuuming. I also spent a considerable amount of time lying down - shocking I know, but as mentioned many times the back pain is ridiculous, especially after doing those chores. I also left my cell phone off, not that many people call me but I really wanted a day away from the outside world - I am sure to many that sounds stupid considering how messed up my life is, but I just needed to unplug from the world - hell I didn't even shower, gross I know and it took a lot of strength to not have one. J

My mood is a little less 'good' today. I am hoping that is just do to the dreary weather, and the fact I am not quite over the news from the surgeon. Anyway, tomorrow is our family picnic, which will make me have to socialize and get out of the house. Perhaps that change will help the mood regain some ground. Monday is my next rTMS treatment, so at least I don't have long to wait for a top up.

Hopefully thanks to the picnic I will have something more to write about, until then peace out...

Talk to y'all tomorrow... 

Sad not depressed...

Spoke to the surgeon's office today, only to discover that since my MRI didn't show anything "substantial", they have prioritized my appointment for November. When I explained that the pain is excruciating and I can barely walk. I was told, "You can always go into the emergency department, not that I can guarantee they will do anything, but I will let you know if there are any cancellations." Fuc#ing surgeon!!!!! 

So mood was good then dipped pretty low, but really it's still OK - no suicidal stuff... Just feeling down, like I am sure anyone would, thanks to the word from the surgeon. Anyway, spent the day helping my friend find some lost items - so that part of the day was met with success.

I wish I had more to tell you, but alas I do not. Tomorrow I plan on hiding in bed - for many reasons including pain, and being upset about my back. I am hoping I can get my new family doctor to refer me to Caleo Health http://www.caleohealth.ca/. It is a spine clinic here in Calgary that my friend was told about... I have an appointment next week with the family doctor, so first I have to bring him up to speed about what is going on since I haven't seen him since all this started, and then see if he will refer me. I was also thinking of getting my pdoc to write a letter to the surgeon to let him know the back issue is effecting my treatments. The nurse/doctor at my pdoc's office also said she had a friend that is a surgeon, so maybe when she gets back from her trip she can pull some strings.

So really there is some hope, I should really just take a chill pill and calm down... but it just hurts so damn much... Hey who cares remember the fact that you don't have any more suicidal thoughts - celebrate!!!!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Nada much to report...

My day was full of nothing, but taking my son to drumming. I wish I could say all the rest made my back feel better, but it still hurts like a motherfu#$er.

My mood is still holding... I can't believe it. Although I am still fighting the inability to do things. I did a tiny bit of writing, but want to do more. I keep hoping the elevated mood will provide the motivation I have been hungering for, but not yet. I think the anxiety is still very evident, and in many ways over powering. But no negative talk tonight - let's just concentrate on the better mood.

And we will hope for even greater things to come...  

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Another rTMS treatment and the mood is still holding...

So seriously this has to be a record... What are we at, day 6 or something??? I guess I could go back and read my posts to see when it started, but that is a rough guess. Anyway, the treatment went off without a hitch. I saw the pdoc for a bit, long enough for us to discuss the positive change to my mood, my back troubles, and a reminder of the importance of exercise - which of course is limited by my BACK...

I came home, had breakfast and sure enough two hours after the treatment I ended up back in bed. I think I may have actually got 10 to 15 minutes of sleep, but remained in bed for a couple of hours as I was exhausted. Might as well lie in bed, as I would have otherwise been lying on the couch - I hate my back... No word from the surgeon's office, damn it!

That was pretty much it for my day. Oh, I did do some laundry with my son's help... I am a very boring person, but a boring person without suicidal thoughts - fingers crossed it holds!!!!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Still feeling good, mood wise - my back on the other hand is KILLING me...

My mood is still holding and tomorrow is my rTMS treatment, so things are looking up. I am hoping tomorrow's treatment is good, some treatments don't always seem to work the same as others. Fingers crossed for a good one, and to a whole hell of a lot more good mood days...

I called the surgeon's office today, as I just can't take the back pain anymore, but all I got was an answering machine. I left a message asking them to call and let me know where I stand. I am so trying to stay away from pain meds, as they always destroy my mood but too much more of this pain and I might not have a choice.

Last night was my last Saphris, so hopefully the next couple of days won't include any withdrawals. I am pretty sure since I gradually reduced the dosage over the past three weeks all should be good. I still give Saphris two thumbs up, as far as antipsychotics go. I really had no side effects, and very minimal weight gain. I would still recommend it to people. I guess I really don't have anything else to share, and sitting at the computer is really killing my back...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Still in a good mood... What? Yep...

Mood is still holding strong, and only two sleeps till my next rTMS treatment - trying to make sure I don't jinx it. Had a very busy day helping my friend, and learning there is a lot more I need to help her with... I only hope I don't let her down. If we can keep my mood up, hopefully that will help.

My back on the other hand is killing me - almost literally, OK not literally but damn! Seriously though I am fighting back tears, the pain is so intense. It goes from constant burning pain, to sharp stabbing pain. I really need to check in with the surgeon again, I just don't want to call too much and piss them off. But ya I think it's time to remind them I really need their help.

I am exhausted and going to bed early, I am assisting my friend again tomorrow - please back don't fail me now. By the way did I tell you my mood is still holding.... hmmmmm... Zippo suicidal thoughts too - this seriously has to be a record, and tonight is my last Saphris - hopefully there will be no withdrawal issues to report, once I finish. AND hopefully the elevated mood continues...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Happy Father's Day....

I had a great Father's Day, a bit slow to start - slept in and ate breakfast alone, as my son slept in even longer. Had a nice conversation with my daughter, after we played some telephone tag.

Then this evening my son and I went out for a lovely, albeit expensive, dinner just the two of us. We had some good conversation, and a really nice time. Then we went to a movie - he was not too thrilled by that, but he offered... J We went to the late showing of The Avengers - hence the lateness and brevity of this post. The movie was excellent, I highly recommend it - and my son said it was the best movie of all time. PS don't rush out of the theatre, right away, watch the credits...

Well that is all for now, as I really need to get to bed. My mood is still holding. I think this might be a record. I am wondering if weaning off of the Saphris is helping??? I am on only one pill a day for tonight and tomorrow and then I am completely off them. It would be great if being off a pill helped for a change. Next rTMS treatment isn't until Wednesday, but fingers crossed this feeling good lasts...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

What is this three or four days in a row of a 'good' mood..? Sweet!

Had a really good day, excluding back troubles, but mood wise all roses. I slept in, as you know one of my favorite things to do - as explained before, the longer I get to stay in bed the more totalled up broken hours of sleep... Anyway, that was followed by a leisure afternoon of lying on the couch wishing my back pain was gone, as I watched the beautiful sunny day through the window. My back is really bad today, I'm finding even lying down painful, usually my only relief.

Then we went for leftover Chinese food at my mom's, even extreme back pain can't keep me from Chinese food. It was nice. I got to see my mommy and strangely my ex-wife again - but still a nice evening. I would like to spend more time with my mom, but since I moved she seems so far away. Terrible and ridiculous excuse, we should just make time to get together. The food was very good too...

When we got home I had to head straight for my bed and the heating pad, as I thought I was going to die from the pain. It really is ridiculous. After about 30 minutes, (my son decided to mow the lawn, while I rested - what an awesome kid), he asked if I wanted to play Rock Band. I was not so sure I could sit for that but I laid out the recliner love seat till it was basically flat and attempted (poorly) to sing. We had a blast. An awesome way to end a very good Saturday...

As they say, tomorrow is another day - hopefully another good one, with a continued lightened mood! Bye bye darkness, hello good times. Damn I sure hope this LASTS!!!!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...