I helped my friend, with others, celebrate what would have
been her 60th wedding anniversary. With her husband passing earlier this month,
it was nice for her to be surrounded by friends.
It was nice to get out and socialise, but sadly the mood is
still low and the thoughts are still full of darkness. The suicidal thoughts
seem to come and go, which is better than yesterday's constant attack, but they
are far from gone.
I am so sick of this that when the suicidal thoughts enter
my mind, I am getting more and more inclined to give in. Seriously what is the
point? If this is life, why would anyone want to live it? I am doing nothing
good or constructive. I am far from a good father, or roll model to my son.
There isn't much point in rehashing these feelings - it does
no good. I want the fact that I am putting them in print to make them easier to
handle, but it doesn't - I just feel like I am wasting everyone's time. Perhaps
because I just want life to be better - I want to be HAPPY. I want to have a
GOOD day. I want to go to bed at night feeling like I did something that I am someone
and I matter. I want to feel like I am doing RIGHT by my son.
Dreams without the nightmares...
Talk to y'all tomorrow...
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