My second rTMS treatment for the week has been moved up to
tomorrow, so hopefully by this time tomorrow I will be feeling even better. My
mood was somewhat elevated thanks to my treatment yesterday. I can't say I am
happy or full of drive, but I am stable and the darkness has dissipated to a noticeable
degree.
I still have this horrible feeling of being overwhelmed. I
can't quite put my finger on any specific trigger. It just hangs over me. I'll
just be sitting here and suddenly this overpowering feeling compresses down on
me and I will think of something out of the blue like tidying the house and it
will feel like it needs to be done immediately but that it is too large a task
to even be attempted. (Not sure if that makes any sense.) It can and is
anything, from the simplest task like loading the dishwasher, to something like
making a doctor appointment. The feeling is almost unbearable, and feels like
an elephant is sitting on my chest and it's hard to breath.
I was telling my son yesterday that I want a vacation from
being 'crazy', a break from my bipolar and all the symptoms that come with it.
No more anxiety, no more sadness, no more any of it. Even if only for a couple
of days, but alas I can't seem to find a travel agent that specialises in such.
Sit back and enjoy the ride, keeps going through my mind - and perhaps I could
if I didn't have the desire to be well. I have been fighting so hard for so
many years to battle this f#$%ing thing, but I am getting pretty tired, a
little too worn out to give it my all anymore. I realize people are counting on
me, and sometimes that makes it worse, because I know deep inside that I will
only fail them. One more day, one more try - maybe this time will work - all
things I tell myself, and before I could 'pretend' that it was possible but I
am not sure anymore.
Hopefully tomorrow's treatment washes away the rest of the
darkness, and life will be shiny and renewed... well at least more bearable...
Talk to y'all tomorrow...
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