Another day of nothing, absolutely nothing...

UGH!!!!

Darkness complete darkness - during a sunny day.

I'm going to go to Wal-Mart tomorrow evening if it kills me - yes that is my big 'plan' for the weekend. Desperately need some items, and I have been putting it off, and putting off, and more putting it off. Not my favorite place to go, but I do enjoy the low prices. J

I wish I had a story to tell, some narrative to share, but my creative voice has been stifled by this stupid darkness. Perhaps tomorrow I can do some writing on my zombie movie, while I am trapped on the couch - stupid back. Who am I kidding doubtful it will happen.

Stupid Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder II - stupid mental illness - stupid fucking chemical imbalance - stupid fucking waste of time and life...

I want to be outside enjoying the sunshine or rain or whatever the hell it is doing outside having fun with my son - being 'normal'... Then just do it - I hear you say - Well it's not that fucking easy.

If I could just sluff it off, buck up, suck it up, ignore it, get up, get out, just do it - I WOULD. I have no way to explain this disease to you, I don't have the words. I don't totally understand it myself, let alone be able to make anyone else. I am angry - not at people but at myself and my fucking brain. I just want it to end - but I know I am not allowed to do so by my own hand - I just, well sometimes I just think it would be best. Thankfully not tonight...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...