Well rTMS treatment #17 – shite, time is flying by…

The treatment went well, which thankfully has been the trend since the start of this procedure. I had some fun bantering with my doctor and the nurse/doctor that has been giving the majority of my treatments. They both have a great sense of humour (they get my sarcastic humor).

So that strange feeling I have been having is still happening, the sort of up, down, sideways, here and there, but thankfully it is different than the deep dark hole. Today right after the treatment, I had a really strange moment. When I was leaving my pdocs office, I realized I had a smile on my face for no apparent reason, and it was plastered there for a good little bit… hmmmm 

 

I am looking forward to more ‘good’ changes, and for them to hopefully stick…. 3 more treatments!!!!!

I actually started the day by going to my family doctor. The appointment was regarding my blood pressure. My pdoc has been taking my blood pressure before and after each treatment and the readings have been a constant high 138 to 144 over 87 to 96, so I went for a checkup. My family doctor was very happy with my blood pressure, and he is not sure why the discrepancy between their findings and his.  My fam doc took it manually like my pdoc and the reading was something like 127 over 84, then he hooked me up to a machine that took my pressure 5 or 6 times (once every 2 mins) and it was from 119/82 – 127/88 = with an avg of 127/84… Perfect!

However, he is sending me for a battery of other tests, since I haven’t had a physical in a long while – blood tests, urine, poop, EKG, even a prostate test (yippy ). 

Ouch

My family doctor was very thorough this morning. Let’s just say I got the great honour of starting the day with my doctor’s finger in an uncomfortable part of my anatomy. (I am not talking about my ear)…

Oh right, I mentioned yesterday that I would talk about SEX – well I had it once or twice many years ago, really liked, and would love to have it again sometime ;)

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Well then – Treatment # 16 and here I am

So I was hoping to include some links to rTMS patient videos on YouTube, but I couldn’t find any. There are lots of commercials for hospitals, clinics, and such from the US; but I could only find one patient speaking on her success with rTMS and she was kind of boring… so I guess when the treatments work, and I am all happy and then I lose 200lbs perhaps I will put a video testimonial on YouTube.

I am still feeling strange, this up and down…

Again the up is never really up (happy), but at least it’s a break from the bottomless black abyss of ‘unhealthy Dan’. I am not going to panic (yet), as I am pretty sure I didn’t feel the ‘good’ effects of the rTMS treatment – when it worked in the past- until the 19 or 20 treatment – so…….

I am thinking some of my struggle is a loss of patience, and some is out of frustration as I really want to be doing things, but there is this wall/block/something that just won’t let me. Again I do believe the amazing feeling of motivation and drive also came to me on the 19^th or 20^th treatment.

In the meantime I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hoping that this works………….

I am getting nervous that the change that has happened so far is ALL that I am going to get out of this. I am freaked out that, yeah the suicidal thoughts have decreased, but then my life will still be crappy and I will be even more stuck because suicide is less attractive. Ugh Oh ‘unhealthy Dan’ I do love how your mind works – not!

“unhealthy Dan’ needs an extended vacation out of my head, of course ‘healthy Dan’ once in place needs an extended vacation on a tropical island – so there, either way Dan needs a vacation J

I WANT TO WRITE!!!! I would like to get busy on one of my many scripts. I wish I could describe to you the conflict I feel. I have this tightness in my neck, stomach, and jaw. It all clenches and hurts, when I think of writing. Yet at the same time I get this butterfly like feeling in my stomach, and a chill down my spine with anticipation of the writing and the incredible good feeling I get when I am writing. It is such a strange quandary, and perhaps more dramatic now with the rTMS treatments.

Oh well, I will try and distract myself with TV or something… I have my appointment with my family doctor tomorrow, regarding my high blood pressure maybe that will be enough drama to distract me. If not, tomorrow my son starts back at school full time that should fill some time.

Talk to y’all tomorrow….

Treatment Week 4 - Treatment #16 tomorrow

Sorry people I am having computer problems, so no real post tonight...

Short update: I feel strange like an emotional wavy line, kind of low one second, then sort of so so, then down again...no real high or feeling good and still zero motivation.

Again I am sorry...

Talk to y'all tomorrow

First day off after week 3…. I probably should have done something.

I must share a great quote I heard today while watching the movie, ‘Contagion’. “Blogging isn’t writing. It’s graffiti with punctuation.”  I am not sure about the movie itself, but I thought the quote was funny…..

I should have done something today, instead of just staying at home. Obviously the treatment is only part of the equation to getting to ‘healthy Dan’. Of course once the treatment kicks in to gear other things like exercise, being social, getting therapy, etc will be easier to partake in… But just adding something positive/fun/interesting will probably go a long way.

I think I might harass my good friend ‘SA’ (to keep her anonymous). She has threatened to drag me to lots of crazy things at the library and such. I guess I should take her up on that. I believe her last threat was yoga, yikes…

I just find it hard to get up and moving, just so tired……… But, but, but, but ‘just do it’, easier said than done.

A good friend asked a good question today on Facebook, “Dan, the last time you where treated (rTMS) was there a gradual onset of your symptoms or a more sudden burst toward light?”

My reply, “Last time I noticed a change near the 15th treatment. It took a bit for me to even recognize the change, which was the loss of suicidal ideation. Just one day I realized suicide wasn't even in my thought process any more, and I couldn't fathom taking my own life. It was strange and terrifying, as it was such a huge part of my life and then it was gone. I had to figure out a different way to deal with life problems, etc. When it came to the actual feeling of ‘happiness’, ‘motivation’, and ‘excitement towards life’ that seemed to appear suddenly near the end perhaps the 19th or 20th treatment....”

So sort of inline with that of the onetime rTMS worked, my thoughts of suicide, although not completely gone, sure have decreased. I am really hoping this last week of fulltime treatments, pull me into the the happy place. Thankfully my awesome pdoc and his team have told me that they are happy to extend the treatment another week of 5 treatments in a row, if need be. They have also signed on to do a gradual decrease in the weaning off phase. There really is no official protocol for rTMS maintenance treatments. Both the nurse at my pdocs clinic, and I have done a ton of research into what others are doing, but nothing is documented. I personally believe, based on my limited experience of getting the treatment, that a gradual decrease in the number of weekly treatments is what is needed.

 

My pdoc and his team are going to a weeklong rTMS conference and training seminar in the US of A in March, so hopefully they come back with some interesting info…. (And hopefully their being away doesn’t ruin anything we may have accomplished by then… oh ‘unhealthy Dan’ and your negative thoughts’.

Anyway, I think I will signoff now, as I started writing a short script (kind of a goofy rTMS story)… I am hoping to have it done over the next few days, so I can post it on here. Although my son and his friend are being super loud playing Rock Band, apparently they think they can sing, and therefore do it very loudly…………  

Talk to y’all tomorrow….

Treatment #15 – end of week three…

I wish I could say I am a new me, but not yet. I will do my best not to give into the darkness, and give up. There are still 5 treatments to go next week, with tomorrow and Sunday off. I am trying to stay focused on the small changes that people have noticed, and the strange feelings I have noticed. Suicidal thoughts are still less in frequency, but still evident.

So we have talked about so much, I am afraid of repeating myself…. I figure I better read over my previous posts, although as a want to be writer I sometimes find it hard to reread my work. I know I am a weirdo.

I am pretty much going to be a vegetable tomorrow – do nothing… Or should I? I don’t have anything to do tomorrow.  I actually have the whole day off, but then I am wondering if I should try and do something ‘fun’.

Anyway, very, very sorry this is super short. Tomorrow I will have lots of time to write.

Talk to y’all tomorrow….

Treatment #14 – Say what? Yep 14 already…………

Well the treatments seem to be going well. I must admit I feel a little ‘different’. I am being apprehensive on speaking too positive, as I do not want to jinx any success.

But I feel comfortable in saying that I do NOT feel ‘happy’, yet. I have NOT noticed an increase in ‘motivation', but I have noticed a decrease in the suicidal thoughts (not completely gone, I actually had a little attack of such a few minutes ago. Thinking of my failed life, and realizing that at my age I will probably never have a great career, never own a house. I will have a terrible ‘retirement’ age, as I will never have enough money to survive - all in all not much point). But let’s try and put that aside for a minute – we are closing on treatment number 15 – and with any luck, and some determination (he says rolling his eyes) perhaps this weekend will see an increase in mood.

I am still really fighting with sleeping issues – and I am worried that the lack of sleep will/is negatively effecting the treatment…… we will see. But ‘beep’, I am so very TIRED…………….

I also have to say my son thinks I am becoming less dumb – I have to admit I do feel a little less foggy….

Picture courtesy of http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-brain-imaging.html

Well I once again must apologize for the lack of interesting info in this post. I had to take my son to drumming lessons, and then an evil grocery shopping trip to Wal-Mart – UGH…

Anyway, treatment 15 tomorrow, and then I have the weekend off from treatments…

Picture courtesy of http://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/article/S0006-3223(10)01003-6/abstract 

- check out the boring read behind this pic

Here are some more interesting websites:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com

http://www.psycheducation.org/

http://www.bipolarworld.net/

Talk to y’all tomorrow….

Treatment lucky number 13 - plus some interesting tidbits

Treatment #13 went well, painless but ever exhausting....

I had a weird feeling yesterday.  I am not sure how to explain it. Not happy, not sad, not really anything, just there and different. It only lasted a few hours, or so. Today, after the treatment, I felt interesting, again nothing definitive, but different and short.

Pic courtesy of wordpress.com

My pdoc says he can hear a difference in my voice, my dulcet tone is a little elevated, and that I am less slow (quicker with comebacks), and I am using a larger vocabulary when I speak. 

Quote from my pdoc, “When you’re in your deepest depression, listening to you talk is like watching paint dry.” lmao ouch….

Pic courtesy of http://www.rhul.ac.uk

Mental Health Awareness Week   - September 30 thru October 6, 2012

Check out this website for activities, and ideas on how to get involved…

http://miaw.ca/en/default.aspx

Includes: The second annual Bell Let's Talk Day coming up on Wednesday, February 8, 2012, I am not a Bell customer, but if you are check it out…. It’s an easy way to help raise money.

Canadian Alliance on Mental Illness and Mental Health

http://camimh.ca/

Conference of Provincial-Territorial Ministers of Health

November 24, 2011, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Health, Provincial-Territorial, Ministers

“Ministers also discussed the importance of addressing mental health, an issue that touches all families and the need to integrate services across government departments and agencies to improve mental wellness and illness prevention. Manitoba Healthy Living Minister Jim Rondeau confirmed that the national Mental Health Summit will be held in February 15-16, 2012 and looks forward to welcoming colleagues from all provinces and territories to work together on improving mental health.”

I wonder if the Alberta Health Minister will be attending???

FAMOUS PEOPLE WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Actors & Actresses

Ned Beatty

Maurice Bernard, soap opera

Jeremy Brett

Jim Carey

Lisa Nicole Carson

Rosemary Clooney, singer

Lindsay Crosby

Eric Douglas

Robert Downey Jr.

Patty Duke

Carrie Fisher

Connie Francis, singer and actress

Shecky Greene, comedian

Linda Hamilton

Linda Hamilton

Moss Hart, actor, director, playright

Mariette Hartley

Margot Kidder

Vivien Leigh

Kevin McDonald, comedian

Kristy McNichols

Burgess Meredith, actor, director

Spike Milligan, actor, writer

Spike Mulligan, comic actor and writer

Nicola Pagett

Ben Stiller, actor, director, writer

David Strickland

Lili Taylor

Vivien Leigh

Tracy Ullman

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Robin Williams

Jonathon Winters, comedian

Artists

Alvin Alley, dancer, choreogapher

Ludwig Von Beethoven

Tim Burton, artist, director

Francis Ford Coppola, director

George Fredrick Handel, composer

Bill Lichtenstein, producer

Joshua Logan, broadway director, producer

Vincent Van Gogh, painter

Richard Dreyfuss

Gustav Mahier, composer

Francesco Scavullo, artist, photographer

Robert Schumann, composer

Don Simpson, movie producer

Norman Wexler, screenwriter, playwright

Entrepreneurs

Robert Campeau

Pierre Peladeau

Heinz C. Prechter

Ted Turner, media giant

Financiers

John Mulheren

Russell Brand

Murray Pezim

Miscellaneous

Buzz Aldrin, astronaut

Clifford Beers, humanitarian

Garnet Coleman, legislator (Texas)

Larry Flynt, publisher and activist

Kit Gingrich, Newt's mom

Phil Graham, owner of Washington Post

Peter Gregg, team owner and manager, race car driver

Susan Panico (Susan Dime-Meenan), business executive

Sol Wachtier, former New York State Chief Judge

Musicians

Ludwig van Beethoven, composer

Alohe Jean Burke, musician, vocalist

Kurt Cobain 

Rosemary Clooney, singer

DMX Earl Simmons, rapper and actor

Ray Davies

Lenny Dee

Gaetano Donizetti, opera singer

Peter Gabriel

Jimi Hendrix

Kristen Hersh (Throwing Muses)

Phyllis Hyman

Jack Irons

Daniel Johnston

Otto Klemperer, musician, conductor

Oscar Levant, pianist, composer, television

Phil Ochs, musician, political activist, poet

Axl Rose

John Ogden, composer, musician

Jaco Pastorius

Charley Pride

Mac Rebennack (Dr. John)

Jeannie C. Riley

Alys Robi, vocalist in Canada

Axl Rose

Nick Traina

Del Shannon

Phil Spector, musician and producer

Sting, Gordon Sumner, musician, composer

Tom Waits, musician, composer

Brian Wilson, musician, composer, arranger

Townes Van Zandt, musician, composer

Sylvia Plath

Poets

John Berryman

C.E. Chaffin, writer, poet

Hart Crane

Randall Jarrell

Jane Kenyon

Robert Lowell

Sylvia Plath

Robert Schumann

Delmore Schwartz

Political

Robert Boorstin, special assistant to President Clinton

L. Brent Bozell, political scientist, attorney, writer

Bob Bullock, ex secretary of state, state comptroller and lieutenant governor

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill

Kitty Dukasis, former First Lady of Massachusetts

Thomas Eagleton, lawyer, former U.S. Senator

Lynne Rivers, U.S. Congress

Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States

Scholars

John Strugnell, biblical scholar

Scientists

Karl Paul Link, chemist

Dimitri Mihalas

Sports

Darryl Strawberry

Shelley Beattie, bodybuilding, sailing

John Daly, golf

Muffin Spencer-Devlin, pro golf

Ilie Nastase, tennis

Jimmy Piersail, baseball player, Boston Red Sox, sports announcer

Barret Robbins, football

Wyatt Sexton, football

Alonzo Spellman, football

Darryl Strawberry, baseball

Dimitrius Underwood, football

Luther Wright, basketball

Bert Yancey, athlete

TV & Radio

Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett

Jay Marvin, radio, writer

Jane Pauley

Writers

Louis Althusser, philosopher, writer

Honors de Balzac

Art Buchwald, writer, humorist

Neal Cassady

Patricia Cornwell

Margot  Early

Kaye Gibbons

Edgar Allan Poe

Johann Goethe

Graham Greene

Abbie Hoffman, writer, political activist

Kay Redfield Jamison, writer, psychologist

Peter Nolan Lawrence

Frances Lear, writer, editor, women's rights activist

Rika Lesser, writer, translator

Kate Millet

Robert Munsch

Margo Orum

Edgar Allan Poe

Theodore Roethke

Lori Schiller, writer, educator

Frances Sherwood

Virginia Woolf

Scott Simmie, writer, journalist

August Strindberg

Mark Twain

Joseph Vasquez, writer, movie director

Mark Vonnegut, doctor, writer

Sol Wachtler, writer, judge

Mary Jane Ward

Virginia Woolf

***If I missed someone, please let me know. I would prefer this to be a globally diverse list.....

***List from http://www.mental-health-today.com/bp/famous_people.htm

Thanks for reading – I hope you found something interesting to take away…

Talk to y’all tomorrow…

Treatment #12 – countdown to a hopeful change in 3 sleeps…..

I really have nothing to write, which for some may be a good thing and hopefully for others not so much J

My treatment went well, I have started (well last week) taking the stairs at my pdocs office (instead of the elevator) – I realize it isn’t huge (he is only on the 3^rd floor), but it’s something. Yesterday I revamped a Mood Chart for the clinic (although I told them no pressure, if they don’t like it, they shouldn’t feel obligated to use it). I feel bad, because I sometimes feel a little ownership of their rTMS Clinic, and perhaps give more advice and help then may be wanted…

I would like to thank people for taking the time to check out my posts.

I personally hate journaling. It always makes me feel worse. I would be super depressed, and think OK I should do some journaling, as it is supposed to be ‘helpful’. All the professionals say so…. Then after a page or so, I had gone from depressed, to crying my eyes out, to planning my suicide. So I just say NO to journaling.

But then I started this blog, and it strangely feels liberating instead of depressing. I am wondering if it is because people are reading it, and when I finish writing and push the ‘post button’, I hope that not only do people enjoy it, but that it will maybe help someone.

It has been so amazing that so many people have read these pieces of my ‘life’. The blog has been read in Canada, United States, Russia, Germany, United Kingdom, Australia, Czech Republic, Malaysia, Cambodia, and Mexico. I am amazed, and humbled.

I strive to keep this blog consistent, interesting, and perhaps a little helpful…. Oh and entertaining J

More art by Dan (me)

Tune in tomorrow, perhaps I will have something juicy to share……..

Talk to y’all tomorrow!!!

Week 3, Treatment #11 - Hopefully some happy soon…

The treatment went well, at least nothing bad to report. I made an appointment with my family doctor for next week – to try and figure out that whole high blood pressure thing, hmmm...

Talking to my son today got me thinking. He has some friends dealing with mental health issues, and although there is the hospital, Woods, and ADTP in Calgary there seems to be nothing that really addresses Bipolar Disorder in teens and children. I realize that there is a lot of debate on diagnosing Bipolar in youth and kids, but there have been some promising studies that will hopefully open the door to better understanding.

Picture courtesy of sodahead.com

As someone who has suffered with Bipolar since forever, I would love to help all of the mental health professionals out there see that it is REAL!!!! They need to be more diligent about helping these children and youth, as this disease is so debilitating. Going through adolescence is hard enough for healthy kids, but when you add Bipolar to the mix that child is walking a tightrope without a net. Their chance at a ‘normal’ life, of fun and games, friendships, education and hopes, is impossible. They can’t think like normal kids, they cannot see the good behind anything. A simple game becomes a testament to their failings. They want to be out playing with friends, but instead their mind tells them to hide in solitude. They have dark thoughts that even an adult would have trouble coping with.  They think that death is the only answer to their pain.

Here is an interesting website on children and adolescence mental illness:

http://www.thebalancedmind.org/

A great service on the above website:

Flipswitch is dedicated to helping teens & 20s understand depression and bipolar disorder

http://www.thebalancedmind.org/flipswitch

There are podcasts and resources by adolescence for adolescence...

Sorry if I am repeating myself; but when I was around the ages of 10, 11, or 12 I would hide when I was at family functions (birthdays, Christmas, etc). I would find a room (bedroom, bathroom) where I could be hidden, but still hear my family. I would imagine I was dead, and I believed my death wouldn’t matter as I could hear they were still having fun or doing whatever even though I wasn’t there. I thought that because things didn’t change when I was hidden, they were obviously OK without me. In fact, better off without me. That is the mind of a child with Bipolar.

Anyone that says children cannot have Bipolar, needs to give their head a shake and give me a call….. I would be happy to help enlighten them!

Some other Bipolar Resources for adults sufferers:
Here is an interesting document for those struggling with Bipolar, but probably also helpful for people that know someone with the illness:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/support-files/bipolartoolkit.pdf

Another interesting mental health website:

http://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/healthprofessionals/index.cfm

Talk to y’all tomorrow…. 

Break 2, End of Week 2 – What might week 3 hold for the wearied traveler – wait I mean me

Well my day off wasn’t a complete waste. Although I slept in (meaning laid in bed tossing and turning past when I should have gotten up)… I went out and got a couple of errands done – prescription filled for my son, and the purchase and replacement of a windshield wiper. I know what you’re thinking, ‘wow’ ‘amazing’ ‘incredible’ – get off me (as my son would say) small things to you are HUGE things to me J

Me and my Grandma (and Chico the dog)

But to make the day actually have some true worth, I was able to help a friend out today (in a very small way, but still it is nice to help people). Then I cooked a boring supper, did some laundry, called my father, watered the plants, and am now wondering what the heck happened to me… kidding  Thank goodness for auto-pilot. I wouldn’t get anything done if it wasn’t for turning off the grey matter, and just going through the motions.

Anyway, things were accomplished and I am hopefully ready for a new week… this is potentially the last weekend of ‘unhealthy Dan’s’ existence. I am sorry.  I am not sure if you noticed, but I am extremely sentimental. I dread and hate the end of things. Parties, holidays, people, special events - the anxiety, and the excitement build leading up to whatever it is, and then the thing happens, and when it is over I am so lost. I am strangely feeling that now, with the lasts of this and that for ‘unhealthy’ but familiar ‘Dan’. Although I should be overjoyed about the end of ‘unhealthy Dan’, I still have the fear of loss, and I guess I am also afraid of whom ‘healthy Dan’ might be.

I only had the pleasure of being ‘healthy Dan’ for less than a week, over a year ago.  I don’t know him, or how to be him. What if he is a complete dink? Hell more importantly what if he doesn’t show up?

I have zillions of years practice, and acquaintance with ‘unhealthy Dan’; even IF this treatment works, I have a lot of work to do to put my life back in order. I realize this is something I should not even be pondering, as obviously my thoughts and beliefs are still tainted by my messed up brain. My mind is just on overdrive, bouncing from this to that. I wish I could shut it off for a little while, and just veg. 

The Rocky Mountains less than an hour west of where I live

So…… let’s say this treatment does work – yes let’s try and stay in the positive (I will pretend it is a narrative and not me). So the treatment works for ‘Dan’, I think he should have a small social gathering to celebrate – what do you think? Nothing big or fancy (frankly this Dan or narrative Dan have NO money), but some little function with cake J You just have to have cake at a celebration… Well let’s put that on the back burner, and get through this week shall we……………….

Tomorrow is another day, ugh… one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and all those other annoying things people say to you when life is sucking!!!!!

Bow Valley Provincial Park, Many Springs Trail

Talk to y’all tomorrow!

Treatment #10 – half way!!!!!! Plus my Ketamine experience……..

Had the rTMS treatment at 9 am this morning, it went very well. (Blood pressure still high, ugh.)

I came home, had a coffee and a waffle. Sat down and thought, ‘hmmm what to do???’ I came up with lots of stuff I needed to do, so I went back to bed instead – I’m glad I did. When I finally climbed out of bed, I didn’t feel as drained as these past days when I did stuff after the treatment.

What did we learn kids, rest after treatments!!!

I realize this is the worst post in the history of posts – for this I apologize!

Maybe this would be a good time to tell you about my Ketamine Drug trial at NIH.

Art Therapy 'Clay Dan' NIH 2009

I remember the night before, I never slept a wink. I was scared to death, about what was about to happen and whether it would work. At the time we do not know if we are going to get the Ketamine or a placebo.  The trial includes two injections two or so weeks apart, one a placebo the other the real deal. The morning of the first injection is kind of just fragments of memories. I remember being terrified, but I don’t remember how I got from the unit to the hospital ward area.

My Ketamine Study Calendar

The place where the drug was administered looked like any other ‘recovery room-esk’, a bunch of gurneys separated by curtains.  I was laying on a gurney, surrounded by my nurse, my NIH Psychiatrist, and another wonderful doctor that was present at all of the treatments (sadly her name escapes me). I was hooked up to an IV (although I think the IV was started in my room back in the unit, but I am not sure ugh). They hooked me up to a heart, oxygen, and blood pressure monitor. Then they explained what was going to happen. ‘Someone would be bringing in the unmarked medication, they didn’t know if it was the Ketamine or not, the medication would be injected slowly over a (?10 or so minute) period’. I think they mentioned all the possible side effects again. My new American friends at NIH that had already had the real thing, told me about their reactions, so I had some idea of what to expect. 

So there I am laying there freaking out inside, trying to be all cool. Of course I couldn’t fool the heart monitor, so they knew I was stressed (PS remember this is Dan – without any medications, 100% zero)

They start to administer the medication… nothing at first.  Then I start to feel a little weird, and my chest feels tight, and I feel like I am not able to breathe. I mentioned my concern to the doctors, and they assure me that my oxygen and heart rate are good. Still freaking out I feel like there is a great weight on my chest.  Strangely as the weight on my chest increases, my body starts to feel really light. I feel like I am starting to float up off of the bed. Sadly that was the extent of the ‘cool’ feelings from the Ketamine – floating… hmmmm rip off. Thankfully the side effects are very short lived with the Ketamine (about 10 minutes after the injection). With the effects gone, including the scary ones, I CRASH.

The sadness was more powerful than anything I have ever experienced, and as you have read in previous posts depression has been a huge part of my life. It was immediate and powerful! I couldn’t stop crying. The nurse and doctors were pretty freaked out, as they tried their best to calm me down.

They could not…

I was super exhausted after that, and they took me back to my room to sleep. The days that followed were terrifying.  I could not get out of the deep black hole, suicidal thoughts increased and intensified. I finally had to drop out of the study before I killed myself. I would have had to stay off meds for another 4 plus weeks if I wanted to stay in the study, and I knew the next drug I was going to get was the placebo. Yeah no way could I last any longer. They got me on meds right away, and kept a very close eye on me.

Well that is the tale of the Ketamine injection…….. I still have a few more stories from NIH, but we will save those for another time.

My NIH Lab Mouse....

Talk to y’all tomorrow!!!!

Treatment #9 – Nothing Exciting to Report - hmmm

Well the treatment went as it has the last 8 times. However, my blood pressure is way too high. I have never had a problem with high blood pressure, in fact last time I had it checked (April, May, or June) it was perfect, now not so much. When they checked it the day before my first treatment it was high, and is not getting better in fact perhaps worse….

It has been like 138, 140, and today 144 over 85 to 90something….

This would be the perfect Dan moment – we get the bipolar symptoms under control only to die shortly after of heart disease…. Ugh

A hummingbird out at the Ponoka cottage 2011

I have been feeling strange, not really a headache but lots of pressure, and this evening it has gotten a little worse with an added bonus of feeling lightheaded. The room seems to spin a little, not too bad -much…. I will call my family doctor on Monday, to see if I can get in to see him before he retires.

My sister told me (via Facebook) today that our GP is retiring in August of this year. I have been going to him since the 80’s. In fact I have only had two family doctors in my whole life. The doctor that delivered me, and my current doctor…. wow

I am not a big fan of change……. The anxiety of it is stressful, debilitating and a bit painful.

A pretty bird out at the Ponoka cottage 2011

The rTMS nurse and I were chatting yesterday, and it gave me a great idea for a terrible short film (very short, maybe very terrible J). If all goes well, and I can get my shit together I will write it and post it over the next couple of days.

I have to be at my pdoc’s tomorrow at 9am (he is super nicely going in on his day off to give me a treatment – how did I get so lucky), so I should try and get some sleep (ha ha ha)…

A new art medium I am trying - a Dan original

Anyway, sorry for the short post, I will try and do better tomorrow. 

Treatment #8 - deserves a short scene out of the Life Script of 'healthy Dan'

Below is a scene out of the future 'healthy Dan's' life script - a lot of dreams and make-believe - perhaps a little giggle, as I have nothing new to report; everything is the same, the treatment went fine, etc, etc....

I hope you enjoy: 'healthy Dan' - A Day in the Life

INT. BEDROOM -- MORNING

We open with blurred darkness.  There is a faint light across the room.  As the light becomes brighter, the picture comes into focus.  We can now see we are in a bedroom, and the ever brightening light is a window.  The sun is rising at the start of a new day.  We see a small movement in the bed, below the window, still in an ever fading shadow.  As the light brightens, and the shadows slink away, we see the person sleeping in the bed is a man.  We are just about to see his face, when the silence is shattered by an alarm clock with a loud BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- MOMENTS LATER

The man, a handsome 42 year old that looks 26, walks into the kitchen.  His hair tousled, wearing his Pjs and a house coat.  He obviously just woke up, but looks refreshed.  He makes himself a cup of coffee, and a bowl of cereal.  He takes his breakfast to the table, turns on his laptop and checks his email and the news of the day.  He seems cheerful, and ready to face the day.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. HALLWAY -- LATER

The man exits the bathroom, he has obviously showered and dressed.  He is wide awake, rested, charged, and ready for anything.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM -- CONTINUOUS

The man sits down at the table again in from of his laptop, he arranges some papers, and opens his screen writing program.  He mumbles a little as he reads some of his last entries.

HEALTHY DAN

(mumbling under his breath)

He glances out the large sun drenched windows, and starts adding more of his brilliance to what is surely an Oscar winning script.  Lying next to his computer slightly askew are several letters from well known producers and US studios, asking to read his next master piece.  He is enthralled in his own imagination when the phone rings.

PHONE

Ring, ring... ring, ring... ring, ring...

Healthy Dan is so fixated on his creation he doesn't even hear the telephone.  There is a shout from the basement.

SON

(yelling from the basement)

                                                       Dad are you going to get the stupid phone, 

                                                       I am trying to play my game!!!

Healthy Dan is nudged out of his creative trance by his yelling child.  He gets up and walks to the phone.

HEALTHY DAN

(in his charming, smooth phone voice)

                                                        Hello.

There is silence as the person on the other end of the phone speaks.

HEALTHY DAN

(nodding his head)

                                                         Yes this is he.

Again a brief pause as the caller speaks.

HEALTHY DAN

(in a calm and quiet tone)

                                                         Yeah, I guess I could.  I am a little busy right
                                                         now, but I guess if Steven needs to figure that
                                                         out now I can spare a few minutes.  But can
                                                         you interrupt the call if I can't get him off the
                                                         phone in about 10 minutes.  As you know Spielberg
                                                         can go on when he talks.

(pause)

                                                         Cool thanks.

There is a brief pause as Healthy Dan is transferred to Steven Spielberg.

HEALTHY DAN

(with a shake of his head, and a roll of his eyes)

                                                         Hey Steven how goes it?

(without waiting for an answer Healthy Dan speaks again)

                                                         Yeah so Steven I only have a couple of
                                                         minutes, what do you need?

There is a pause as Steven speaks.

HEALTHY DAN

(nodding)

                                                          Yes, I promised you the first read.  Don't
                                                          listen to Scorsese, he is playing with you.
                                                          You have first dibs on this one.  K, I gotta
                                                          go so I will talk to you  tomorrow or next Tuesday.

(pause)

                                                          What no , I am not... Dude seriously, I will.
                                                          Ok gotta run say hi to Max for me.

(brief pause)

                                                          Yep got to go, K bye.

Healthy Dan hangs up the phone.  Shaking his head he makes his way back to his computer.  Sitting down to get back to his writing, Healthy Dan giggles out loud.

HEALTHY DAN

(giggling to himself)

                                                           Steven would shite himself if he knew Lucas
                                                           was coming over later....

FADE OUT: