It’s morning. I know
this because the sun is trying, with all its might, to cast its cheery glow through
the curtains in my room… It’s been a night like every night. I fell asleep,
probably, around 3 or 4am. I woke at 5 or 5:30am, slept again till 6 or so,
and didn’t doze again until 7am. I maybe slept until 7:45 or 8am, and so it
goes. I fight to sleep off and on, and off some more – but I can’t get out of
bed, I am so tired, and really what’s the point. I have nothing to do, nowhere
to be, no reason to get up, or get dressed, or anything. I try to block out the
world by hiding under my pillows and comforter.
I try and hide from the sunlight and my thoughts – my mind loves to race
with stupid sad ugly thoughts – on and on and on and on. Tired of tossing and
turning, and because our dog needs to pee (me too), I drag my sorry ass out of
bed – sometimes around 11, or 12, or 1 or 2 or………………
Up – now what? Have a coffee? Sure. Have a piece of toast?
Why not? Then what?
Check Facebook, check email, check Twitter, ugh…
Sometimes, thanks to my son, I may have to drag my butt out
of the house, to take him here or there. Having him here full-time also forces
me off the couch to cook a meal (if one can call my culinary attempts, meals)…
Hide in TV-land, its safe and easy – and the way I spend most of my days. My preference is to just sit on the couch and get
lost in a movie, or one of the hundreds of TV shows I watch weekly. It just
seems better to live life through the characters…
Finally it’s midnight – nothing accomplished and another day
lost…
When I look out at the darkness I long for the sunshine, and
when the sun shines I feel sadness for missing out, for not going out and
enjoying it…….
Tonight is the first night without sleeping medication. I
have been decreasing the dosage for the past 3 weeks, so hopefully it won’t be
too painful. Tomorrow is the scheduling and preparation appointment with my
psychiatrist – excited terror is what I am feeling – but hopefully soon all of
this suffering and darkness will all be but a faded memory-------
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