The ‘S’ word, something not many people want to talk about, or
hear someone talk about, but it’s something that is a huge part of my daily
life.
First I have to say – when you hear someone mention thoughts
of suicide, or that they attempted suicide, or you hear about someone committing
suicide… Please, Please remember this (if you remember nothing else of my
writings) it is NOT the ‘easy way out’! Don’t roll your eyes, or shake your
head – it really isn’t that EASY of a decision.
When the plague of suicidal feelings attack my thoughts, I
am not thinking, “Oh screw this. I’ll just take my life, it will be easier”.
The rationale my demented BP brain uses is; people will be better off if I am
dead, I have no future, no hope, no chance for success, I will always be alone,
I am bringing my family down, holding my family back…. There is nothing easy
about it. Once the thought is embedded (always out of my control, and on its
own schedule) the seemingly endless tears, violent sobs, uncontainable fear, uncontrollable
shaking, and complete darkness takeover. There is no managing these thoughts,
they (whether believable or not) takeover my body and mind. It’s like I am nothing,
but an observer. I feel helpless, bound
and gagged, as my future is decided for me.
These thoughts, these events, happen daily. I cannot tell
you (not because I don’t want to talk about it, but because it has happened so
often I have lost count) how many times I have written a suicide note, planned,
thought of, almost implemented my suicide. I will be going through files, or journals,
or drawers, and surprise I find a suicide note I had written in the past; maybe
from a week ago, or a month, or a year. These notes are sad pleas for escape
from a tragic pain that plagues my every fiber. The notes are always the same;
sorrys, thank yous, I love yous, wish I did more, wish I said more…. I always
thank those that I love, and tell them how sorry I am for ruining their lives. It’s a part of this illness that I am not
proud of, but I hope and pray that those are the thoughts of a different Dan, “unhealthy
Dan”.
I don’t wish harm to “unhealthy Dan”, but I sure wouldn’t be
sad if he took a permanent vacation far, far away!!!
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