So I received a call from psychiatrist today (yes it's
Saturday - apparently he is now getting very excited about my treatments too).
He reminded me that I need to be off my sleeping medication before the first
day of treatment (ugh)... He also asked if I would come early for my
appointment on Monday, so we can; do the land-marking (they have to take
measurements of your head to figure out where the proper spot is for the
treatment - instead of having you shave your head and write all over your
scalp, they use "caps" - some doctors use swim caps, others like
Ponoka use the same caps hairdressers use to do highlights - either way you
wouldn't want photos of yourself wearing one, leaked on the internet), we will
also be doing my motor threshold (using the rTMS machine they do single
zaps on a place near the treatment spot to determine how strong they
should set the machine for the actual treatments - the area they zap makes the
thumb of your right hand twitch when the setting is correct, basically
they turn it up until they see the movement - I know totally strange, but it
works), and I need to fill out some paperwork (mood evaluation
and consent forms, etc). He also said we will hopefully be able to
start the treatments either Tuesday, or Wednesday at the latest.
I am freaking out, the time is so close - but will it work again?
- a machine within 10 minutes of my house, not the 2+ hours like before - but
will it work again? - I have so much riding on this, all my eggs in one basket,
and you know what they say about that - but will it work again?
What if it doesn't work again!!?
Then what?
One would think that only the feelings of excitement would come
with the success of making this happen - getting my doctor to invest time and
money to get the machine in Calgary, hell getting myself to remain alive this
long - but my son would say that my judgment is clouded by "Bipolar
Logic", which is no logic at all...
So, what if it doesn't work?
Is there something else out there that I haven't tried? There are
two treatments that I know of (at the time I am writing this entry); ECT (good
old Electro Shock Therapy), and DBS (Deep Brain Stimulation). DBS is a
treatment whereby they open your skull and insert an electrode, which is
connected to a device similar to a pacemaker that constantly, zaps
your brain (it is still experimental for the treatment of Bipolar
Disorder).
When is enough, enough? I know I'm getting ahead of myself. You
don't have to tell me - that my friends is the way my awesome messed up brain
works. You see the glass half full. I see the glass as a possible tool for
suicide - extreme maybe, but eerily close to the truth.
This has been such a crazy, tumultuous ride - a roller-coaster
doesn't even come close as a comparison, unless you were riding said roller-coaster
without the benefit of a safety harness.
I want to say it's going to be OK, but that would be just a lie,
because while I am writing this it feels far from OK - it feels like I can't breathe
that I am not destined to finish this journey - but two or three fricken
sleepless sleeps to the start of this next chapter, one would think a person
could hold on for that - so I shall attempt to do just that. I pledge on this
blog (remembering one day at a time) that I will NOT harm myself for at least
that many days (I may need some help, support, etc) - but, I will endeavor to
get the ball rolling, and - well let's leave it at that for now...
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