I just need to talk about some of my ‘seemingly irrational’
feelings/emotions/thoughts…
A little me.
I have a few of them, they are not in any particular order……..
Worthlessness – Not much to explain with this one. I am sure
I have mentioned it in a previous post – I am a useless, horrible, waist of a
person. That is how I feel, and I know that is what people see. How could they
see anything else, I am what I am. I don’t deserve anything good. And people
that are stuck with me do not deserve to be stuck with me…….
Guilt – It is a part of every minute of every day. I feel
guilty that I did or didn’t do this or that in the past. I feel guilty I don’t
contribute more to society. I feel guilty that I am not a better son. I feel
guilty that I am not a better parent. I feel guilty I am not a better person. I
feel guilty that people have had to help me. I feel guilty that I am not paying
for the treatments. I feel guilty. I feel guilty.
Tears – I have heard from some people that tears/crying, can
be cleansing or healing. I personally do not have that belief. I am deeply
afraid of crying. Since I can remember from 12ish years old, crying has led to
nothing but suicidal thoughts. When I am in that dark place, the tears start
and won’t stop. The sadness mutates to the helpless thoughts of dying. I try very
hard not to cry, to not have that feeling of loss of control. But my BP brain has
its own thoughts on tears, I can be watching a show, movie, commercial or even listening
to a heartwarming story on the news, and I have to fight back tears. I literally
have to look away, think of something else, or if someone is in the room I have
to hide my eyes. I do not have an issue with someone seeing me cry, because I am
a man and therefore shouldn’t be showing emotions, my concern or fear is having
someone see me so emotional over nothing, for no real reason. Seeing how truly pathetic I am…
Fear - Perhaps reading this blog you wouldn’t know that I
have a very hard time talking to people about me, my illness, my feelings, my
emotions, my struggles, and my successes (successes ha, ha what successes).
Well I do. I have a lot of FEAR/ANXIETY – I am afraid of annoying people. I am
afraid of boring people. I am afraid of putting people off. I am afraid of
letting people in. I am afraid of people finding out how strange I am. I am
afraid of people finding out how stupid I am. I am afraid of people finding out
how uninteresting I am.
A glimpse of Alberta, maybe an hour from my home.
Wow another look in to the not too deep, but dark soul of
Dan…. Sorry.
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