Well then – Treatment # 16 and here I am

So I was hoping to include some links to rTMS patient videos on YouTube, but I couldn’t find any. There are lots of commercials for hospitals, clinics, and such from the US; but I could only find one patient speaking on her success with rTMS and she was kind of boring… so I guess when the treatments work, and I am all happy and then I lose 200lbs perhaps I will put a video testimonial on YouTube.

I am still feeling strange, this up and down…

Again the up is never really up (happy), but at least it’s a break from the bottomless black abyss of ‘unhealthy Dan’. I am not going to panic (yet), as I am pretty sure I didn’t feel the ‘good’ effects of the rTMS treatment – when it worked in the past- until the 19 or 20 treatment – so…….

I am thinking some of my struggle is a loss of patience, and some is out of frustration as I really want to be doing things, but there is this wall/block/something that just won’t let me. Again I do believe the amazing feeling of motivation and drive also came to me on the 19^th or 20^th treatment.

In the meantime I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hoping that this works………….

I am getting nervous that the change that has happened so far is ALL that I am going to get out of this. I am freaked out that, yeah the suicidal thoughts have decreased, but then my life will still be crappy and I will be even more stuck because suicide is less attractive. Ugh Oh ‘unhealthy Dan’ I do love how your mind works – not!

“unhealthy Dan’ needs an extended vacation out of my head, of course ‘healthy Dan’ once in place needs an extended vacation on a tropical island – so there, either way Dan needs a vacation J

I WANT TO WRITE!!!! I would like to get busy on one of my many scripts. I wish I could describe to you the conflict I feel. I have this tightness in my neck, stomach, and jaw. It all clenches and hurts, when I think of writing. Yet at the same time I get this butterfly like feeling in my stomach, and a chill down my spine with anticipation of the writing and the incredible good feeling I get when I am writing. It is such a strange quandary, and perhaps more dramatic now with the rTMS treatments.

Oh well, I will try and distract myself with TV or something… I have my appointment with my family doctor tomorrow, regarding my high blood pressure maybe that will be enough drama to distract me. If not, tomorrow my son starts back at school full time that should fill some time.

Talk to y’all tomorrow….