Week 2 – Treatment 5 – The Wrath of Khan, I mean Bipolar…

Hi all...

Sorry I had planned this post to be part III of my NIH saga, but I had a really crappy night last night.  The negative feelings were in complete control. I started freaking out that maybe this treatment wouldn’t work and what would I do, and that went to money problems, and then that went to all the other usual stuff. I stared at a pad of paper, to start ‘the note’ and devise ‘the plan’. With no sleeping pills to stop my mind, I tried racking my brain for distractions. With no luck I thought of waking my son to talk, or call someone in the middle of the night. I couldn’t even take watching anymore TV, but I promised a friend that I would help her in the morning and she was counting on me, “so tonight couldn’t be the night”, but so close… I hoped things would seem less bleak in the sun light - if nothing else, more distractions.

A pic I took at a cabin near Ponoka March 2011

I barely got any sleep, maybe 2 hours of 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there.  It was worse last night, as I didn’t take my Seroquel. I decided not to take it to see if my blood pressure would decrease, but it did not. I will have to book an appointment with my family doctor, to see what’s going on – it could be the fact I should probably lose 500lbs (slight exaggeration – slight)…

I crawled out of bed before the alarm went off, and as I had hoped the day was filled with distraction.  Following the treatment I was again bagged, but try as I might I couldn’t sleep. I sit here now looking forward to sleep, and another day of distraction tomorrow.

Here are a couple of interesting websites:

A great link to help with understanding Bipolar

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/complete-index.shtml

An interesting (but dry article on TMS)

http://www.intechopen.com/source/pdfs/11521/InTech-Exploring_brain_circuitry_simultaneous_application_of_transcranial_magnetic_stimulation_and_functional_magnetic_resonance_imaging.pdf

I will leave you with this:

A Crappy Little Poem I Wrote...  (my brain with a hint of Dr Seuss)

To wake up or not,

is the question to start?

Whether up or down,

mind breaking apart.

Thinking this and that,

and nothing at all.

Wanting something,

and nothing, and a tiny bit more.

Feeling sadness, and gloom,

and darkness and poor.

Looking for happiness,

hope and some bliss.

With the sun on its journey,

to bed and to hide.

We’re left with the question,

that we set aside.

Did I wake,

          or did I not….