Had the rTMS treatment at 9 am this morning, it went very
well. (Blood pressure still high, ugh.)
I came home, had a coffee and a waffle. Sat down and thought,
‘hmmm what to do???’ I came up with lots of stuff I needed to do, so I went
back to bed instead – I’m glad I did. When I finally climbed out of bed, I didn’t
feel as drained as these past days when I did stuff after the treatment.
What did we learn kids, rest after treatments!!!
I realize this is the worst post in the history of posts –
for this I apologize!
Maybe this would be a good time to tell you about my
Ketamine Drug trial at NIH.
Art Therapy 'Clay Dan' NIH 2009
I remember the night before, I never slept a wink. I was
scared to death, about what was about to happen and whether it would work. At
the time we do not know if we are going to get the Ketamine or a placebo. The trial includes two injections two or so weeks
apart, one a placebo the other the real deal. The morning of the first
injection is kind of just fragments of memories. I remember being terrified,
but I don’t remember how I got from the unit to the hospital ward area.
My Ketamine Study Calendar
The place where the drug was administered looked like any
other ‘recovery room-esk’, a bunch of gurneys separated by curtains. I was laying on a gurney, surrounded by my
nurse, my NIH Psychiatrist, and another wonderful doctor that was present at
all of the treatments (sadly her name escapes me). I was hooked up to an IV
(although I think the IV was started in my room back in the unit, but I am not
sure ugh). They hooked me up to a heart, oxygen, and blood pressure monitor.
Then they explained what was going to happen. ‘Someone would be bringing in the
unmarked medication, they didn’t know if it was the Ketamine or not, the
medication would be injected slowly over a (?10 or so minute) period’. I think
they mentioned all the possible side effects again. My new American friends at
NIH that had already had the real thing, told me about their reactions, so I
had some idea of what to expect.
So there I am laying there freaking out inside, trying to be
all cool. Of course I couldn’t fool the heart monitor, so they knew I was
stressed (PS remember this is Dan – without any medications, 100% zero)
They start to administer the medication… nothing at
first. Then I start to feel a little
weird, and my chest feels tight, and I feel like I am not able to breathe. I
mentioned my concern to the doctors, and they assure me that my oxygen and
heart rate are good. Still freaking out I feel like there is a great weight on
my chest. Strangely as the weight on my
chest increases, my body starts to feel really light. I feel like I am starting
to float up off of the bed. Sadly that was the extent of the ‘cool’ feelings
from the Ketamine – floating… hmmmm rip off. Thankfully the side effects are
very short lived with the Ketamine (about 10 minutes after the injection). With
the effects gone, including the scary ones, I CRASH.
The sadness was more powerful than anything I have ever
experienced, and as you have read in previous posts depression has been a huge
part of my life. It was immediate and powerful! I couldn’t stop crying. The
nurse and doctors were pretty freaked out, as they tried their best to calm me
down.
They could not…
I was super exhausted after that, and they took me back to
my room to sleep. The days that followed were terrifying. I could not get out of the deep black hole,
suicidal thoughts increased and intensified. I finally had to drop out of the
study before I killed myself. I would have had to stay off meds for another 4 plus
weeks if I wanted to stay in the study, and I knew the next drug I was going to
get was the placebo. Yeah no way could I last any longer. They got me on meds
right away, and kept a very close eye on me.
Well that is the tale of the Ketamine injection…….. I still
have a few more stories from NIH, but we will save those for another time.
My NIH Lab Mouse....
Talk to y’all tomorrow!!!!
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