Seclusion, Distraction, and Genetics - Day Three of 2012

Seclusion: One of my many unhealthy tools for coping. Just hide away in my home, safe from ridicule, condemnation, and pity. I don't just hide away physically, but I have also taught myself to hide my emotions. I forbade myself to show people my pain and sadness. I put on a mask if I have to leave the house, a face that challenges the reader to see the truth behind the façade. I do all I can to stay shut in, protected by four walls and sometimes darkness waiting for time to fly past me. Which leads me to distraction.

Distraction: I use several means of distraction, but a couple of good old standbys are TV and Movies. I get lost in the stories, building imaginary relationships with imaginary people. Today I was afforded a new distraction thanks to my Landlord/ friend. I am still not sure if the distraction of helping him remove tape from him painting lines on a gym floor was to help me or destroy me :) that is some hard work (at least for an old, out of shape man, like my friend lol).  It is nice to leave some real or imagined reality at home for awhile. This brings me to genetics.

Genetics: My son came to help remove tape, and was struck by his depression and anxiety in a big way. As a parent I want the best for my kids, I would give them the world if I could. One thing I didn't want to give is my crappy genes. My poor son, got all of my bad genetics. My mental illness, my stomach troubles, and my bas sense of humour. All horrible things to be saddled with on their own let alone all together. I want to make it better, to somehow take the traits back, and give him some issue free ones, but I cannot.. I can however, hopefully learn from my struggles and try and find treatments that can help him lead a struggle free, secure, and successful future.

I have reduced my sleeping medication from 2 pills down to 1/2 of a pill tonight, in anticipation of my treatments that hopefully start next week, I only hope I can get some sleep. It is going to be hard to be off sleeping meds completely, but we will see.  I do enjoy a little sleep, even only the 4 hours a night I got with the sleeping meds,was better than nothing. I can sadly stay a wake for days without sleeping pills. Oh sleep how I miss you!!!

Well good night world... happy dreams.