Day 2 of 2012.... Memory

I would like to take a second to talk about memory.

I am not sure if it is the illness, or the current medications, or ALL of the hundreds of medications I have been on since I was 18, or a combination of all of the above??? but my memory is horrible. I have maybe 2 or 3 bits of memories of my childhood, before I was 10. I have only a few memories of my daughter and my son growing up. And to make matters worse I have a really hard time remembering things that happened last week, yesterday, and sometimes even something that happened the day of......

The reason I want to talk about memory, is not about lost cherished moments (which I do find so sad, painful, and frustrating), but because I really let a friend and her husband down today, thanks to my inability to remember things. I always enter appointments and important events in my phone, but this time for whatever reason the alarm did not go off. They were counting on me in their time of need, and I let them down. I honestly hate myself for this failure. When I got the message asking where I was, I could not stop crying (pathetic I know), for letting them down. They are amazing people and deserve better treatment/support.  There are a couple of more crucial events happening in their lives over the next couple of months, and I don't want to fail them. I just hope they still trust me to help them???

I am afraid to call my friend and apologize. I sent her a text and an email, with the hopes of calling her tomorrow, but I am afraid of the disappointment I will hear in her voice. Between the Anxiety and Bipolar Disorders, mole hills become mountains, a sliver becomes an impaling spike, light becomes dark!!!

Tragedies take many forms, but in this hazy Bipolar world I live in there is NO such thing as a small isolated incident, there are only life ending super screw ups that only Dan would/could make. I wake up in the morning prepared to disappoint the world, and go to bed knowing I have. I am a huge disappointment to my family, to society, and to me. But I digress... Time for sleep, for tomorrow will provide me another opportunity to screw up.

Ahhh memory, seems like the only memories easy to hold onto are the bad ones.......