Another day of nothing......... and even less.

So I did nothing today - NOTHING... A beautiful spring day and I sat in the house lost in the 'safe' world of television. If I was anymore pathetic, well I have no idea how I could be anymore pathetic...

My mood - started off OK... Although when I woke for the hundredth time, at 7:30AM, I decided to take another sleeping pill (prob not the best idea) - I didn't get out of bed until 1:00PM. I was very groggy, but I at least got some serious sleep. However, getting out of bed that late encouraged some feelings of guilt that were followed by some feelings of worthlessness. I figured maybe I could save the day and invite someone over to watch a movie, but then I got pretty anxious about having no one to ask or the other evil truth 'people would say no' or just as scary they would say yes...

I don't really have much to share, as I am sure you are all getting bored of me singing the same song. 'Just waiting for that something'... it should be sung to a country tune.

WHY CAN'T HE JUST GET OFF HIS ASS! I hear you scream. He, meaning I, ask myself the same question every day. I, me, he has no answer. I just feel stuck! Lost! The more I think about it the more stuck I become, like struggling while in the grip of quicksand.

I know one thing for sure... that I need to get out of the house more. I just don't know how. Every time someone invites me out I am too afraid to go. Before writing this blog I didn't realize how bad my anxiety is. I have so many fears of so many things, no wonder I shutdown. I want to be with people and do things, yet I am afraid to be with people and scared to do anything. Yippy go Dan!!!

Like I said in the beginning of this post I am PATHETIC!

Anyway, another beautiful Saturday gone, and another day spent alone.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

I guess not all is lost...... Yet.

I had another rTMS treatment today at 1:00PM, and around 3:00PM I felt a little lighter, the sun shone a bit brighter, and I even picked up my Zombie Movie script and did some editing. I can't say I feel 100% or even 75%, but compared to yesterday and even this morning I feel considerably better. Even my son noticed a difference...

I still feel a little lost, and a touch of that suicidal stuff keeps hovering in the shadows (something I haven't experienced before). It's there but not there, totally goes away and then it's back but just at a distance. It's very strange and quite frustrating, because when it comes back it brings dark thoughts that flat line my mood, and waste time and energy.

So here I sit trying to hold on to some 'hope', (that I want to think is not futile), that rTMS can still be my savior. However, I truly don't think once a week is going to cut it. I know, I should hold off on worrying about that until next week, which is when my pdoc wants me to decrease to once per week; although, really 'unofficially' I have been doing that for the past three weeks (sans the one week while they were at Harvard)... and the results of that reduction of treatments, not great. Next week I will have a treatment on Tuesday and then nothing until the following Tuesday, etc, etc... Am I worried - hell n... yes of course I am. This up and down is ridiculous especially since the ups are not all that up!!!!

I suppose if it worked too well life would be too boring - nope now it is boring, I have HUGE plans for if I ever get my shit together...

The sun is going down (finally finished post the sun has gone down)  J  and the wind has slowed to almost nothing and it is still 9c... I shall upon finishing this post step out onto the balcony and get some fresh (polluted) air.

I am dreading that this reprieve will be short lived, thank goodness the next treatment is only 4 sleeps away...

Talk to y'all tomorrow... 

No religion, politics, or anything else controversial, just me and my pathetic ramblings..........

Still low - still the occasional suicidal ideation - still wondering why, why, and more why???

I once again had a horrible time getting my butt out of bed. I would wake up look at the clock and think why get up what is the point. I would then dose off, and do it all over again - over and over again. Once I finally got up - I just felt lost. I keep looking at my computer and feeling the need, desire to write, but then shutdown and just want to hide. It's driving me crazy. It's all driving me crazy. The sadness, the suicidal thoughts, the fear, the feeling lost, the feeling like a total loser it's frustrating the BEEP out of me. The more I think about it the crazier it makes me. It actually makes me want to puke.

Tomorrow is another treatment, another opportunity for me to tell them I am feeling super low - to show my daily mood diary that proclaims my misery. Will they care or will they just feel as frustrated as I do??? I really think I have had enough. My son asked me so what's next, what was I going to do. I said there is nothing left to do, if I can't get rTMS to pull me out of the darkness I got nothing... I told him there is still Deep Brain Stimulation, if I could find a clinical trial somewhere. When I explained that DBS requires brain surgery he told me that wasn't an option... J It sucks because we know rTMS works, but it's the finding the right number and frequency of treatments that is proving to be impossible.

I am not sure what to do - people have been trying to help me get out of the house and I just shutdown. The fear of leaving the house overwhelms me. The feelings of worthlessness just close me off. If I can't stand myself, how can anyone possibly want to spend time with me?

I just want to SHUT OFF.  

Enough is enough is enough... Perhaps the treatment tomorrow will give me a lift. I am not holding my breath. If it doesn't I just don't know???

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Helllllooooo allllllll... WTF???

Had a shitty start to the day - I just couldn't drag my ass out of bed... I eventually did and moped around the house.

Again the park by my house
but it won't look like this for
another couple of months

I did have a pleasant afternoon - with a short walk with my mom in the park (by short I mean very short), and then we (my mom, me, and my son) had leftovers for supper. Now here I sit with a back that is progressively getting sorer. I must note my evil landlord did invite me out for supper and a movie, but there is no way my back would have allowed that (which sucks cause it would have been nice to hang out and watch a movie (oh and eat popcorn). J

Now here I am - my son is downstairs playing drums and I am back to my brooding. I just can't seem to get out of this funk - and I suppose it wouldn't be so bad except that with this funk is coming suicidal ideations...  

Is this it folks - has it all failed?

I feel too guilty about my pdoc giving me the treatments for free, to pressure him to increase the number of treatments to see if we can regain some ground - not to mention if the reality is I need numerous treatments constantly, I am sure his generosity would soon run out. Perhaps after my treatment on Friday there may be a change. I, at writing this, am very doubtful there will be a transformation.

As my son has noted I am doing nothing but whining - I feel ashamed for that, and I am very tired of doing so. I am not sure if I should therefore stop writing this blog, or just falsify my writings to reflect some positive drivel...

Talk to y'all tomorrow... - perhaps

Time feels like it is slipping away....

So today like yesterday, and the day before has been filled with pain.

My son and I went to the dentist (yes I probably should have cancelled, but I didn't). The Hygienist was very careful, but the dentist not so much (although he didn't know about my back). The time spent in the waiting room and the drive back and forth were the most painful... But enough of that!

I am feeling so very low today.

The brain scan of the hypomanic and depressed phase

I feel worthless.

I feel useless.

I feel bleak.

I feel exhausted.

I feel frustrated.

I feel like enough is enough.

I feel like I am not supposed to be here.

Sadly the treatment yesterday did not give me the lift I was hoping for.  I only hope the second one on Friday does. I can't let this darkness over come me, but it seems to have the upper hand today.  I was in that dark place; making plans - figuring why I should, and why I shouldn't - the pros and cons of living list. The why I should end it list was a lot longer today. The suicidal ideation has pretty much past, but I will admit not completely. I am trying to concentrate on something some if not all reading this will think stupid, but it is something that being the warm weather promised tomorrow. I plan, pain or no pain, to take a little walk in the park - even if only for a few minutes. Maybe I should see if my mom wants to join me???????? I am sure the kid would rather not, but it would be nice to have someone there to talk to and to help me if I fall J

This is the park by my house,
but it won't look like this for a month or more

Hopefully when I write my post tomorrow I will be able to include some happy moments from a nice walk.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

A day full of doctors and back pain...

I started the day in moderate pain. Slowly dragging my ass out of bed later than planned, but I kept thinking what is the point of getting out of bed when I will just go from laying in bed to laying on the couch (laying down is the only way to relieve the pain)... But I did it, I got up and called my pdoc's office to see if I could book a treatment for tomorrow.  I had to leave a message and wait. I tried to decide if I should shower now or later or never... While planning I received a call back from the doctor/nurse that normally gives the treatments, she was wondering if I could come in today. I told her I couldn't as I had a family doctor appointment. Then as we were speaking, and tomorrow wasn't looking good for them, I said well if I get ready quickly perhaps I could do both (it was 12:30pm and my fam doc appointment was at 2pm)... I hauled butt, got ready and headed to my pdoc, (it's been a week since my last treatment).

I got the treatment, with the new parameters, which feels so strange. Had a little chat with my pdoc - bringing him up to date on my back situation, and use of painkillers. We also discussed the change to once per week treatments, I was able to convince him to give me two this week and then shift to once per week next week. I just wanted to try two treatments at the new parameters... With that done I dragged my sore back to my next appointment.

I was barely able to get out of the treatment chair at my pdocs, and then almost couldn't get into my car.

I arrived on time to the fam doc, but then had to get out of my car - it was close to not happening, but I did it... then I got to wait - there was only two of us in the waiting room, but still I had to wait and wait and wait. My back screamed at me to lie down, but I waited. When I did see the doc filling in for my soon to be former family doctor he was very helpful. He put the request in for an MRI. He also was going to send in a referral letter to my surgeon. I am not sure the wait time for either, but at least the process has begun. He also gave me some anti-inflammatory medication samples to tide me over until AISH can decide if they will cover that medication. He also filled out a form for me to apply for a temporary Disabled Parking Permit. I left there somewhat satisfied, and barely able to walk.

 

I then struggled into my car, and headed to get some much needed gas. I usually pay by debit when buying gas, but chose to pay by credit card so as not to have to get out of the car. Then I headed to the AMA to get my parking permit. After a lengthy struggle to free myself from my car, a long painful walk and short painful wait in line, followed by the payment of 9 dollars found me heading back to my car permit in hand. Again I struggled to get in my car with even more difficulty. I am not sure if it was the pain or the rTMS treatment but I felt very dizzy and a little nauseous (which I noticed started while I was waiting to see my family doctor). I drove home way too fast, but the pain was insane. I made it home, and struggled out of the car, and took a very slow painful walk to the door. I went directly to lie down!!!

 

I really am done with this pain thing, but I know the wait will be a long one - lucky for me we don't have a two tier medical system. Oh wait we do, if I had $800 I could get an MRI tomorrow - just saying...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

He's baaack...... and it hurts!

So sorry for the break, as mentioned I have been having some major back issues. Tonight I made my first solo trip in my own car - I survived (in case you didn't get that from my writing the blog I figured I should mention it). Anyway, yes I survived the getting in and out of my vehicle. I was able to sit through a nice supper and return home with moderate but survivable pain. I have a family doctor appointment tomorrow at which I will be instructing the doctor to book me an MRI - at which point he will probably tell me to take painkillers and chill... I am trying not to hate the medical system - as I know how lucky we are, but I am a little P O'd.

My mood has been holding relatively steady at a moderate to mild depression. I was afraid the pain meds would push me into a deep depression, but I hopefully stopped them early enough to prevent that from happening. I have had a few suicidal moments, but for the most part they passed relatively fast. I did have one that was very worrisome. The pain was getting to me, and the pain meds were bringing me down and I just couldn't get it out of my mind what a horrible place I find myself in. I only got into the planning stage, but it too eventually passed. 

I am hoping to get a couple of rTMS treatments this week if I can talk my pdoc into it. I would like to try a couple with the new settings, to see if we can elevate my mood to the next level. Get my brain and my motivation working... I have posted so much about my lack of motivation - yet I feel I just can't explain it to people. It's like the suicidal thoughts - I am not sure people get that they are like a foreign thought in my head. When the treatments are working the thoughts aren't there, no treatments boom suicidal thoughts return. It's not like I am having a bad day or horrible moment and think there is no reason to live. They are their own entity, they come around whenever they want - and can happen for no reason. Without treatment, or when the treatment isn't working, I could be laughing and enjoying a show on television and suddenly be thinking I need to kill myself. It happens that suddenly, and thankfully with the rTMS treatments it goes away just as quickly. My point, yes I think I have one, is that my motivation is the same - I see it (perhaps wrongly) as this separate entity that is being controlled like the suicidal thoughts somewhere out of my reach. When I was in a good, really good place (possibly a manic episode - of which I am hoping that isn't true) I felt charged and interested and had a desire to do things. And yes like I said there is debate on whether it was 'happy' or 'manic' - let's for the benefit of my hope for a better future call it 'happy' J

Motivation, the desire to be with people, the desire to enjoy life, the ability to have fun... All things I want RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

The Airwaves remain silent....

Sorry ALL..... My back is still preventing me from sitting long enough to write my blog. Hopefully that will change sooner than later, keep watching for updates!!!!!!

I wish painkillers were my friend!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Not going to be a long post.... damn back!

Still struggling, walking with a cane, can't bend, can't sit for long, the only relief comes with lying down. Can't cook, can't do laundry, can't grocery shop.....aaaahhhhhh ugh

I have been taking Ibuprofen with meals to save my stomach (so far so good). I have stayed away from Percocet, but I may have to give in, as the ache is unbearable... Only problem is of course the havoc that drug plays with my mood.

So far my mood is holding at fair - I missed yesterday's rTMS treatment which sucks butt - I so hope I can be well enough to get one either Monday or Tuesday. I already have a doctor appointment for Monday with my family doctor, and Tuesday my son and I are supposed to go to the dentist, but I am thinking I might not be able to handle the dentist chair........ I will figure that out Monday.

Sorry folks I just can't sit here any longer.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Really Sorry

Hi ALL...

Very sorry but still out of commission. I spent 4 hours at the emergency department, only to be sent home after an injection of morphine and a hand full of Percocet.

Because of my meds I am not suppose to take any of the above, but seriously the pain is way too bad. However, the pain although a little dulled is still there aaaahhhhhh.

The first Emerg Doctor I saw said she was going to get me a CAT Scan and consult with spine doc, but she was a student, so when the real doc got involved he decided that I should just take painkillers and see my family doctor and have the fam doc book an MRI...  Not sure how long the wait list is now, but this time last year the Alberta Wait Times website says about 16 to 18 weeks... Hellz!!!

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Sorry No Blog Tonight

My back seized up today, I can barely walk, and unable to sit very long... I was going to go to the emergency tonight, in the early hours of the morning, but I can't get into my car, and pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get out if I did....

I will keep you posted.

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

As GLC says, "Guns don't kill people rappers do"...

So I had my rTMS treatment finally after 12 days. My pdoc and his associate learned a lot at their Harvard course, including a different protocol. Harvard used a faster pulse rate, with less trains but equals more pulses. It felt so strange. Generally when I get the treatment my left eyebrow twitches with each pulse, now with the pulses going so quickly the entire left side of my face pulled up for the full duration of the train. Like I said it was such a strange feeling. I haven't noticed any lift to my darkness, but I am extremely tired. I go back on Thursday, at which time my pdoc said we will see how I made out from this treatment to determine if he will give me another one on Thursday or get me to wait until Monday... I vote for treatments on both days, but I guess I am getting greedy.

My son and I had a wonderful dinner with some very caring family members this evening. There was great food, great conversation, and some pint size entertainment. It was so nice to get out of the house, and do something different. It was also very nice to reconnect with people that I just haven't connected with for a very long time, and we had them all to ourselves. There is so much love out there, I really need to work on my ability to embrace it!!!

In answer to Debbie's Comment of yesterday (sorry for the delay): If only Alberta Health provided coverage for therapy....... or I was rich, or my one stop clinic was real... I contacted Alberta Mental Health and was told the same old story - their answer for free or low cost therapy is Calgary Counseling or the Bipolar Clinic. As you may know Calgary Counseling only provides student therapists whom of which are temporary, and still 'learning'. I have tried them, not very impressive and it's downtown. The Bipolar Clinic is run by an idiot, and I went through their program when it was called the Mood Clinic. So ya... I know you mentioned the place you went, but I think you said you need to use their shrink - and for many obvious reasons I am not planning a shrink change anytime soon... But yes I agree therapy would be a nice and necessary add-on...  

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Silicone Breasts...

Another low day, perhaps even lower than yesterday, thankfully no suicidal ideation - but darkness none the less.

I find myself in a troubling place - many people counting on me, and me being less then reliable to them and me. Between my back and my brain I feel like a feeble excuse for a human. My heart is huge (and not in a bad way), my desire to help immense, my want to achieve greatness is ever present, but the doubt, the lack of motivation, that missing spark are killing me and my spirit. I have always wanted and expected so much of myself, from even an early age, but have always been unsuccessful in that quest. When I was younger I didn't know why I could see the finish line but never reach it. I guess knowing doesn't make it better, as even now that I know what is holding me back I still can't move forward - the frustration is beyond belief!

I keep wondering if this fight is worth fighting... Again I do not argue the rTMS treatments have helped greatly, and the new medication was able to extend those changes - but is this it? Is this as good as it gets?  Me sitting here day in and day out struggling with this and that, beholden to people that I will probably never be able to repay, never achieving any success, just being idle. Is this what the rest of my life is to be? Hells no - that is not what I signed up for! Fine I know Bipolar isn't curable, and fine I have been saddled with the variety that is hard to manage with regular medications, but seriously there has to be more to this 'recovery' than I just don't want to kill myself. Is the benefit from the treatments that I have just extended my hell...? I am not sure that I would be thrilled to have that as the outcome.

I can definitely tell that for the past few days the rTMS treatments positive effects have been wearing off, perhaps you have noticed in my writings. I keep a very brief Mood Diary as well, and the decline is very obvious. I am of course going for a treatment tomorrow. I just hope it hasn't been too long in between. In the past when I received the treatments in a less than regular schedule they didn't work. I will keep my fingers crossed that this time will be different, and that the top up tomorrow will bring me out of this slump. So I can live this hell more cheerfully...

Talk to y'all tomorrow... 

Ladies and gentlemen, the one the only.... My blog!

Good evening fair people of Internetland - I haven't had a completely shitty day, but it wasn't the greatest either.

I am way lower than I have been this past couple of weeks. Really dragging my ass today, and even more lost than usual. My dog and I sat in silence for several hours, while my son was out (great thing about that sentence, my son was out with a friend). I couldn't even turn on the TV. I just laid there thinking there was something I should be doing, or someplace I should go. I just didn't want to be here alone, but here alone I sat. It is a very icky feeling, this lost place I keep finding myself in. Having no motivation is one thing, having no motivation and no direction is complete hell.

I did try at one point to sit at my computer to review my zombie script, but the program will not work on my new computer so I gave up... I have since printed a copy of what I have written so far, so I can reread it and continue the amazing story. J I also thought of a couple of scenes that I would like to incorporate. I have 43 pages written, so I have something like 77 pages to go... but no drive, no motivation to continue.

It sucks SOOOO bad to know what you want to do, but feel cemented in place. So stuck that all you do is shutdown. I am sure I am not alone in this regard. Does that make it easier? No. Does it make me feel less stupid? No. I have a dream, and to act on it, I believe would make me 'happy'. So why the hell can I not just DO IT... I have several scripts in the works, and many more script ideas. I have two book ideas that are very doable, but here I sit growing fat and stupid.  Get out of the house - I figured was a good mantra, but if I want to write going and doing things for, or with people is not conducive to writing. I need this f'ing thing called motivation... Why is it so elusive?

Being alone sucks - yes I have my son, but we all know that is not the same thing. I don't think I really want a romantic "relationship", but I guess it would be nice to forge stronger relationships. People to hang out with, to talk about shit that probably bores them, like my awesome writing and beautiful hair - shit like that. J I guess one of my biggest issues with relationships, is my limited interests. The rest of the world (males especially) have sports, or current affairs, fashion, entertainment, hobbies, etc... I don't really have anything. I have some interests, but there is no depth to them. I love to write, but I have no knowledge of great writers, or have the memory to even share my favorite films. I seem to really know nothing, about nothing. I don't say this to be mean to myself, I say this quite pointedly, because it's true. I have stored nothing... 

Wow. To put this realization to print, to give it substance, is both painful and liberating. I have spent so long in a deep well of sadness, and death that I have not taken anything in. I have not stored any interesting or relative trivia, or knowledge. I am not a stupid guy, but I have nothing. How could I possibly hold conversations with people? I can't, hence all the alone time. Perhaps next time you are with me, and we are conversing, you may now notice how you do most of the talking and my answers are both limited in words and depth. Hmmm, I am not sure how I really feel about this revelation, let alone sharing it with the world. It kind of makes me just want to crawl in a deeper hole, and never come out...

Lost To Find My Lot

By Olivia Braun

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,

Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,

Lost as a kid, lost as an adult

I feel everything is falling apart and it's my fault

Lost as a person, can't find my way

Lost in life every day, Lost in worry

Who am I?

I’ve lived a Lie

Lost to Kindness,

Lost to Love

Lost in the sky,

Like a lonely dove

Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do

It Winds me up,

I can’t get through

Lost to comfort all kind words

Lost to advice that isn’t heard

Lost to those who really care?

All these people always there

Lost in Me, I need a break

Lost in wonder which road should I take?

Lost in a place I don’t know well

Where are you now? There’s no one to tell

Lost here all alone To break these walls

Lost in mind

Lost in soul

Lost memories, there just a hole

Lost family, lost my place

Still yet I’m full of hate

Lost in boredom think I’ll leave

There’s a lot in life I need to achieve

Talk to y'all tomorrow...

Through the blackness glows the evil red ember of pain...

Helped the evil landlord again today (by helped I mean barely did anything), but haven't quite recovered from his tortures of yesterday. J

Feeling a bit low today - even struck by the evil suicidal ideation, actually more than once. Even at writing this I feel the pangs of the evil desperation. Like always there is no reason for it to be happening, it's just how my malfunctioning brain works. I have been very fortunate that the new pills have been extending the benefits of my March 8 rTMS treatment. I am impatiently waiting for the next one on March 20 - both the treatment and the chance to talk with my pdoc. I am also looking forward to hearing what they garnered from their Harvard course. Also hopeful that I get the information from them to finish my letters - and in turn draft something that perhaps you the reader may want to send in to help get rTMS covered by Alberta Health Care. I hope.

The other thing I would love to do, as I have mentioned before, is set up a one stop Mood Disorder Clinic. With psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, therapy groups, pharmacists, specialised treatments, and occupational therapists, everything you need to get 'healthier'... We have various "clinics", (Mood and Anxiety Clinic (for children and adolescence only and only provides short term assistance), Bipolar Clinic (which I only learned of this year - and discovered it is ran by a pdoc I saw years ago that didn't know anything about bipolar and now runs a bipolar clinic hmmm)), in Calgary, but they are scattered and primarily ran by one pdoc. It is also not only a chore to access them, but to also just find them or their existence, and then you have to find and access other support services. So many people need these services, and don't know how to find them or have the means to access them. This needs to change!!!!

Oh well, enough ranting I think I would like to watch a movie or something????/????

Talk to y'all tomorrow...