How do we ignore the negative and embrace the positive???

It's true in everyone's life there are negatives. Job loss, the loss of a loved one, money troubles, relationship troubles, bad kids, sick kids, illness; hell the list is endless... We are faced with all or some of these things over the years, and yet people still move forward. You still persevere. I often ask myself how people manage to do that. How do you overlook, put on hold, ignore the problem(s) long enough to live? People can be faced with what I see as life halting moments, and yet they may take a moment to smile at someone, laugh at a joke, go to work, be normal. How do you reaffirm that life must go on, so go on I must? Where do people find that strength to push on?  There is so much tragedy, so much anguish but people still move forward. How? I can fold up and want to hide, just shutdown for the smallest thing - a sad commercial, a temporary money problem. My go to place, life is unbearable now I must die. Yet I witness someone with a sick infant, a dying spouse and they still laugh, they still live. Sure they cry and they suffer greatly, but they still live. What makes you live? What is that self preservation that allows someone that just lost their child to suicide still live? Is it something magic that I just don't know the trick, or is it some great secret for which the answer has been handed down to only a select few for which I am not included.

Fill your heart with positives - is that real? Is that what you do? Do you have a check list with negatives in one column, and positives in another? A pros and cons type of list where one can outweigh the other. How do you acknowledge the positives without feeling smug, or like your flipping fate the finger? Are you allowed to feel that secure? Are we allowed to feel happy? Time will tell, put positive out there and it will come back to you, Karma, do onto others, etc... Is any of it real?

One minute I think maybe I am starting to feel 'happy', and then I think nope you're not allowed to say it, or think it, or be it... don't jinx a good thing. Or I will question whether I deserve 'happy'??? Do I? What have I done for anyone? Nothing really, I haven't aided humanity, I haven't contributed to the greater good, hell I know I have used up more grace then I have ever given.

We people are a strange, complex, and in some cases fascinating creature. I just wish I was able to understand my mind. I want to know what is happening up there, and I don't mean physiologically (although that is intriguing as well), I mean I wish I could understand what and how I am thinking. Wow that makes little to no sense. My mind in a word? Chaotic. There is no defined reasoning, and I see this more and more as I get 'healthier'... I am not living in some false hope, I know this is as good as it's going to get - and for the record it is a hell of a lot better than it was! But it is far from 'normal'... I am stuck in a strange land now. A place between 'unhealthy' and 'healthy'... We are all different, so I understand there is no map to the promise land, but it seems like time is running out. I don't know if it is, or if it is something I am creating, but I feel the clock ticking... 

Whoa deep well tonight...

I will leave you with this:

Time in Hell 

I float in time with open mind...

A quest; a chance of riddled thought:

Infinity squared, then seek to find

An answer; pained and overwrought,

I dodder with an addled head;

Befuddled, merging with a haze of

Mysticism, then to tread

A metaphoric swamp – a maze

Of existentialism…

But now for time to tick in rhyme

With ‘tock’ – a clock to tell thro’ chime

Precisely on the knell

That as I dared to understand,

I must be deep in Hell…

Copyright © Mark R Slaughter 2010

Talk to y'all tomorrow...