Ladies and gentlemen, the one the only.... My blog!

Good evening fair people of Internetland - I haven't had a completely shitty day, but it wasn't the greatest either.

I am way lower than I have been this past couple of weeks. Really dragging my ass today, and even more lost than usual. My dog and I sat in silence for several hours, while my son was out (great thing about that sentence, my son was out with a friend). I couldn't even turn on the TV. I just laid there thinking there was something I should be doing, or someplace I should go. I just didn't want to be here alone, but here alone I sat. It is a very icky feeling, this lost place I keep finding myself in. Having no motivation is one thing, having no motivation and no direction is complete hell.

I did try at one point to sit at my computer to review my zombie script, but the program will not work on my new computer so I gave up... I have since printed a copy of what I have written so far, so I can reread it and continue the amazing story. J I also thought of a couple of scenes that I would like to incorporate. I have 43 pages written, so I have something like 77 pages to go... but no drive, no motivation to continue.

It sucks SOOOO bad to know what you want to do, but feel cemented in place. So stuck that all you do is shutdown. I am sure I am not alone in this regard. Does that make it easier? No. Does it make me feel less stupid? No. I have a dream, and to act on it, I believe would make me 'happy'. So why the hell can I not just DO IT... I have several scripts in the works, and many more script ideas. I have two book ideas that are very doable, but here I sit growing fat and stupid.  Get out of the house - I figured was a good mantra, but if I want to write going and doing things for, or with people is not conducive to writing. I need this f'ing thing called motivation... Why is it so elusive?

Being alone sucks - yes I have my son, but we all know that is not the same thing. I don't think I really want a romantic "relationship", but I guess it would be nice to forge stronger relationships. People to hang out with, to talk about shit that probably bores them, like my awesome writing and beautiful hair - shit like that. J I guess one of my biggest issues with relationships, is my limited interests. The rest of the world (males especially) have sports, or current affairs, fashion, entertainment, hobbies, etc... I don't really have anything. I have some interests, but there is no depth to them. I love to write, but I have no knowledge of great writers, or have the memory to even share my favorite films. I seem to really know nothing, about nothing. I don't say this to be mean to myself, I say this quite pointedly, because it's true. I have stored nothing... 

Wow. To put this realization to print, to give it substance, is both painful and liberating. I have spent so long in a deep well of sadness, and death that I have not taken anything in. I have not stored any interesting or relative trivia, or knowledge. I am not a stupid guy, but I have nothing. How could I possibly hold conversations with people? I can't, hence all the alone time. Perhaps next time you are with me, and we are conversing, you may now notice how you do most of the talking and my answers are both limited in words and depth. Hmmm, I am not sure how I really feel about this revelation, let alone sharing it with the world. It kind of makes me just want to crawl in a deeper hole, and never come out...

Lost To Find My Lot

By Olivia Braun

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,

Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,

Lost as a kid, lost as an adult

I feel everything is falling apart and it's my fault

Lost as a person, can't find my way

Lost in life every day, Lost in worry

Who am I?

I’ve lived a Lie

Lost to Kindness,

Lost to Love

Lost in the sky,

Like a lonely dove

Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do

It Winds me up,

I can’t get through

Lost to comfort all kind words

Lost to advice that isn’t heard

Lost to those who really care?

All these people always there

Lost in Me, I need a break

Lost in wonder which road should I take?

Lost in a place I don’t know well

Where are you now? There’s no one to tell

Lost here all alone To break these walls

Lost in mind

Lost in soul

Lost memories, there just a hole

Lost family, lost my place

Still yet I’m full of hate

Lost in boredom think I’ll leave

There’s a lot in life I need to achieve

Talk to y'all tomorrow...