I guess not all is lost...... Yet.

I had another rTMS treatment today at 1:00PM, and around 3:00PM I felt a little lighter, the sun shone a bit brighter, and I even picked up my Zombie Movie script and did some editing. I can't say I feel 100% or even 75%, but compared to yesterday and even this morning I feel considerably better. Even my son noticed a difference...

I still feel a little lost, and a touch of that suicidal stuff keeps hovering in the shadows (something I haven't experienced before). It's there but not there, totally goes away and then it's back but just at a distance. It's very strange and quite frustrating, because when it comes back it brings dark thoughts that flat line my mood, and waste time and energy.

So here I sit trying to hold on to some 'hope', (that I want to think is not futile), that rTMS can still be my savior. However, I truly don't think once a week is going to cut it. I know, I should hold off on worrying about that until next week, which is when my pdoc wants me to decrease to once per week; although, really 'unofficially' I have been doing that for the past three weeks (sans the one week while they were at Harvard)... and the results of that reduction of treatments, not great. Next week I will have a treatment on Tuesday and then nothing until the following Tuesday, etc, etc... Am I worried - hell n... yes of course I am. This up and down is ridiculous especially since the ups are not all that up!!!!

I suppose if it worked too well life would be too boring - nope now it is boring, I have HUGE plans for if I ever get my shit together...

The sun is going down (finally finished post the sun has gone down)  J  and the wind has slowed to almost nothing and it is still 9c... I shall upon finishing this post step out onto the balcony and get some fresh (polluted) air.

I am dreading that this reprieve will be short lived, thank goodness the next treatment is only 4 sleeps away...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...