So sorry for the break, as mentioned I have been having some
major back issues. Tonight I made my first solo trip in my own car - I survived
(in case you didn't get that from my writing the blog I figured I should
mention it). Anyway, yes I survived the getting in and out of my vehicle. I was
able to sit through a nice supper and return home with moderate but survivable
pain. I have a family doctor appointment tomorrow at which I will be
instructing the doctor to book me an MRI - at which point he will probably tell
me to take painkillers and chill... I am trying not to hate the medical system
- as I know how lucky we are, but I am a little P O'd.
My mood has been holding relatively steady at a moderate to
mild depression. I was afraid the pain meds would push me into a deep depression,
but I hopefully stopped them early enough to prevent that from happening. I
have had a few suicidal moments, but for the most part they passed relatively
fast. I did have one that was very worrisome. The pain was getting to me, and
the pain meds were bringing me down and I just couldn't get it out of my mind
what a horrible place I find myself in. I only got into the planning stage, but
it too eventually passed.
I am hoping to get a couple of rTMS treatments this week if
I can talk my pdoc into it. I would like to try a couple with the new settings,
to see if we can elevate my mood to the next level. Get my brain and my
motivation working... I have posted so much about my lack of motivation - yet I
feel I just can't explain it to people. It's like the suicidal thoughts - I am
not sure people get that they are like a foreign thought in my head. When the
treatments are working the thoughts aren't there, no treatments boom suicidal
thoughts return. It's not like I am having a bad day or horrible moment and
think there is no reason to live. They are their own entity, they come around
whenever they want - and can happen for no reason. Without treatment, or when
the treatment isn't working, I could be laughing and enjoying a show on
television and suddenly be thinking I need to kill myself. It happens that
suddenly, and thankfully with the rTMS treatments it goes away just as quickly.
My point, yes I think I have one, is that my motivation is the same - I see it
(perhaps wrongly) as this separate entity that is being controlled like the
suicidal thoughts somewhere out of my reach. When I was in a good, really good
place (possibly a manic episode - of which I am hoping that isn't true) I felt
charged and interested and had a desire to do things. And yes like I said there
is debate on whether it was 'happy' or 'manic' - let's for the benefit of my
hope for a better future call it 'happy' J
Motivation, the desire to be with people, the desire to
enjoy life, the ability to have fun... All things I want RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
Talk to y'all tomorrow...
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