Silicone Breasts...

Another low day, perhaps even lower than yesterday, thankfully no suicidal ideation - but darkness none the less.

I find myself in a troubling place - many people counting on me, and me being less then reliable to them and me. Between my back and my brain I feel like a feeble excuse for a human. My heart is huge (and not in a bad way), my desire to help immense, my want to achieve greatness is ever present, but the doubt, the lack of motivation, that missing spark are killing me and my spirit. I have always wanted and expected so much of myself, from even an early age, but have always been unsuccessful in that quest. When I was younger I didn't know why I could see the finish line but never reach it. I guess knowing doesn't make it better, as even now that I know what is holding me back I still can't move forward - the frustration is beyond belief!

I keep wondering if this fight is worth fighting... Again I do not argue the rTMS treatments have helped greatly, and the new medication was able to extend those changes - but is this it? Is this as good as it gets?  Me sitting here day in and day out struggling with this and that, beholden to people that I will probably never be able to repay, never achieving any success, just being idle. Is this what the rest of my life is to be? Hells no - that is not what I signed up for! Fine I know Bipolar isn't curable, and fine I have been saddled with the variety that is hard to manage with regular medications, but seriously there has to be more to this 'recovery' than I just don't want to kill myself. Is the benefit from the treatments that I have just extended my hell...? I am not sure that I would be thrilled to have that as the outcome.

I can definitely tell that for the past few days the rTMS treatments positive effects have been wearing off, perhaps you have noticed in my writings. I keep a very brief Mood Diary as well, and the decline is very obvious. I am of course going for a treatment tomorrow. I just hope it hasn't been too long in between. In the past when I received the treatments in a less than regular schedule they didn't work. I will keep my fingers crossed that this time will be different, and that the top up tomorrow will bring me out of this slump. So I can live this hell more cheerfully...

Talk to y'all tomorrow...